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Author: Marie

Day 19: My submissiveness

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DAY 19: LIFE CHANGING…Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?

This is going to sound crazy, but our sex life is 1,000% better than it was before we implemented our D/s, DD relationship.

We simply had grown boring and basically stopped having sex. i’d tell David we were roommates with the same last name.

Now… we have some sort of sexual-activity pretty much daily. It may be as little as a text (or “sext”!) or as much as the full blown intercourse. But no matter, the sexual energy is alive and well again. And it was dead and gone before.

i think this may be in part because my submission to David has built up his ego and confidence, and the respect he deserved. So by me giving him that mental boost, it has become a huge turn on … for us both!

And while my goal at the onset and what i hoped for with this dynamic was for us to fight less, it has actually become more than that even! Besides less fighting and more sex, it also improved our communications too.

David no longer says things like, “I think maybe you should consider blah, blah, blah.” I always found all those qualifiers to just be confusing. Does that mean i definitely should or that you definitely think i might should or that you might think i definitely should?? Even that sentence is confusing! Right?

While those sentences do sometimes still happen, more often than not now, he says, “you need to xyz” or just “go do xyz” works too. Much more direct and straightforward. And when those confusing sentences come, now i just say, “i’m unclear about your intention Sir. Can you speak more directly please?”

So our conversations are more direct. And ultimately more clear.

So yes, there’s been several improvements in our marriage that while on this side it seems obvious (a “duh” moment), i didn’t necessarily expect many of these things at the outset either.

What changed in your world by implementing the dynamic you have?

Hugs,

Marie

Day 18: My Submissiveness

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DAY 18: PET HATES…Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? Any thing you particularly dislike or that annoys you? If so, what are they?

So i have been thinking about this one….. and i can’t think of a thing! Strange that i have NOTHING to say. 😜

Maybe i just forgot about …… (blank). What would you say i forgot? What is YOUR pet peeve/hate?

If i think of something, i’ll do an update. But i guess it’s good that i can’t think of anything! Right??

PS…. i have plenty of pet peeves in life in general, just nothing i can think of in the kinky/sexy arena. And since you asked what those might be: 1) in driving…. why do people drive side by side, taking up every lane on the road, for MILES at a time? Pass, move over, let the next person get by already! 2) know-it-alls. You do not know everything about everything. So why not quit acting like it?! Even if you think you know everything, there’s at least one perspective or angle that maybe you haven’t considered and when it is presented, you should be willing/open enough to consider you might be have been wrong from the start. 3) confrontation-avoidance. The problem doesn’t just go away by ignoring it. In fact, it may get bigger or worse. So be an adult…. address it, get past it, and move on. It may be that you have to agree to disagree, but then do it and move on. But avoiding it doesn’t typically make it go away either.

Okay, enough complaints for one Wednesday. Go enjoy hump day everyone!

Hugs,

Marie

119 – Are all subs “little”? Or middle?

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In thinking about and researching on submissive labels, i’ve read a lot about “littles.” And middles and older littles and younger littles and well…. all littles. i don’t know that i understood before, what it all is or means. Admittedly, i’m still not entirely sure i completely understand now even, but i suppose maybe that’s what this post is ultimately about then too.

For sake of this discussion, i’m going to just use “little” in the entire general sense… meaning all the people who think or act younger than their actual age are all “little” here. It’s just easier to use one word than every possible combination thereof. Now i know people in this space are likely cringing right now, but bear with me for just a few more minutes and hear me out. And see what ya think.

All this research of these submissive types has me wondering……

ARE ALL SUBMISSIVES LITTLE? (Again, common term “little” being used here)

As i understand it, the “little” person wants (needs!) to act in a way that is younger than their actual age, be cared for, give up control, follow directions (orders), and is typically (although not always) the sub in the relationship.

Now it made me wonder, “isn’t that a good way to describe ALL submissives?” As my Sir’s submissive wife, and all subs really do, i give up control, follow orders, and love being cared for.

Minus that part of the definition, what’s left is the “acts at an age younger than their actual” age part, which admittedly is probably THE biggest part of a little being a little. So that may be the deal breaker in my argument that ALL subs are littles. But i’d like to put forth a thought about that too, that maybe it isn’t even really an exception at all and this applies to all submissives too.

i think all submissives act a little younger than their actual age at some point, knowingly or not. Intentionally or not. What do i mean?

Well…. i give up control that i rightfully have, as the adult that i am. i give up control to make decisions, i defer to him for the rules, and i wait to be told things. i let him set the rules and tell me frequently what i can and can’t do. i do all this even though i don’t have to, but instead because i want to.

Ok, so isn’t that also what happened when you lived under the roof of your parents….when you were younger? They made the decisions and set the rules…. when to go to bed, what was for dinner, when to eat, what chores to do, approved if you went out and with whom and when to be home…. and…. they ultimately decided when you were rewarded or punished. So you were at least a little submissive (of some sort) when you were literally a little. And if it’s also now (effectively) the same thing that adults who are submissive are doing… doesn’t that seem to say all subs are littles too? (Like if A= B, and B= C, then A=C….. ??)

At the very least, aren’t all submissives “young’ish” at heart in the way we give up control to our Dom in a similar way to what we did when we lived under our parent’s roof?

Now i know much of the sub world doesn’t explore this dynamic the way some do. Ironically the ones who claim this in their world seem to me to be the adult-grown-up ones. Why do i say that? Well, you have to be mature enough to recognize it about yourself and that this is what you want… and then to also be mentally mature enough to go to that space and to make it work. That seems more intentional, and adult-like than the unaware sub. Oh i’m not saying the intentional littles are not littles (and definitely it criticizing their ability to do it), in fact, really the opposite actually. If they are alert enough to recognize this about themselves and to take action to have it in their relationship too, and to get to that mental space they need, they are really smart and i admire them for it!

i’m not sure what age that makes me really… but giving up the control that i do officially have the right to have (as an adult), kinda makes me feel little-r than i actually am.

Alright… but if that’s all i got that would make me think this label might apply to me ….. i will admit, this label doesn’t really seem to fit me much at all. (See how i experimented with the label, tried it on for size, and decided it really isn’t me at all.). So only in just the VERY loosest way, i’ll claim it… but barely.

i bet there are real “true” littles and middles of all ages who i really did make cringe a LOT now and are probably dying to set me straight. Okay, i’ll let you. 😊

Hugs,

Marie

118 – Labels… of the submissive type

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i have been exploring the idea of putting a “label” on my submission. i don’t know why exactly, but i think it’s because when you label something or someone, it makes it become more real to you. Like, when i say i have a red car…. you now know i drive a CAR (not a SUV, truck or minivan) and it is red. Now you can see it in your mind, and this is why they say a picture is worth a thousand words.

But since i can’t do research of what a specific submissive label LOOKS like, i’ve instead done research of what it SOUNDS like and am going to try it on for size to see if it FEELS like me. In doing all this research, i’ve come to realize just how many labels there are. Here i thought “submissive” was a label, and while it technically is… it’s apparently just a quite generic type of label too.

Like what do i mean? Well… there is the bratty submissive (which i did label myself already), the experimentalist submissive, the baby girl or middle submissive, exhibitionist submissive (which i realized i kinda already claimed also!), rope bunny submissive, non-monogamist submissive, the masochist submissive,… etc.

(“Well Forrest……. like I was sayin’, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey’s uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried.”)

So i’d have to say i could probably put ALL those (listed above) particular submissive labels onto myself! But maybe a few just in a strangely defined way. (Stay tuned). But if i had to pick one…. uhm…. ok, time out….. WHY exactly do i need to pick just ONE?? i’m not sure that i can. And you can’t make me!

Seriously though…..since i already DID pick just one, the BRATTY SUBMISSIVE, i suppose that’s the one that i most associate with. But i’m not entirely sure that’s true either.

Before all this research, i’d tell you i was the Experimentalist Submissive (ES). One site describes the ES as:

“Experimentalists want to have tried it all. An open mind and an insatiable curiosity are their key features, and they will rarely form an opinion before they have gathered first hand experience. They often have plenty of fantasies and will actively pursue to try them out.”

Uh yeah… that definitely sounds like me….. in life AND in the bedroom too!

My mom used to tell me, “you know…. Curiosity killed the Cat.” In fact, i heard it so much that i began to respond back with, “well, its a good thing the cat has 9-lives then!”

And did you know that “Curiosity killed the Cat is only half of the saying?” The whole saying is: Curiosity killed the Cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

According to Wikipedia, “Although the original version was used to warn of the dangers of unnecessary investigation or experimentation, the addition of the rejoinder indicates that the risk would lead to resurrection because of the satisfaction felt after finding out. The resurrection element may be a reference to the multiple lives of a cat.”

Ok…. now we are getting somewhere! It all comes full circle!

i have always said (even on this site a time or two!), that people should have an open mind and be willing to try new things. How do you KNOW you don’t like something if you’ve never tried it?

We probably all heard as a kid when the peas were set out in front of us, “how do you know you don’t like it? You haven’t even tried it.” And i’m guilty of saying it to my kid a time or two too!

Well….. i have tried it. And peas are gross. Their consistency is as gross as their flavor, especially that inside. As soon as you bite into it, you have this squishy, mealy, pasty inside stuff on your tongue! Ugh…. blah… gag! Gross! Just gross!

But if you’ve never tried it, you wouldn’t know it from simply looking at them. Because their outside covering shows them as a simple, small, innocent-looking, solid round ball that just roll around on your plate.

Soooooo i try new things. While i have rode in a hot air balloon, i don’t just try exciting, thriller type things, but everyday things too…. like peas.

So much so my life-motto used to be, “i’ll try anything once.” But after awhile, i even knew that “once” may not be enough to try new things either! Maybe that one time was a bad experience. How would you know that unless you tried it again to compare?

Maybe the peas were overcooked and if they hadn’t been, their inside consistency would be different? So i know i didn’t like them the first time, but cooked differently i would have. (And i did… and peas are still gross!)

So now my motto is, “i try things at least twice, to confirm the first opinion was accurate.”

Experimentalist through and through! In everything!

So sure when i asked for D/s, i didn’t KNOW what i was getting into exactly. But i did know, i wanted to try it. i wanted to experiment!

i knew it wouldn’t hurt to try it (ok, so it DOES hurt but who knew!). and what we were doing at the time wasn’t working either. So what did i have to lose?!

And now, i try all sorts of things in the bedroom ….. no panties, no bra, corsets, chastity, anal plugs and anal sex ……… i bet you don’t have as much experience as me!

Now where a ES can get into trouble here is when he/she “tells” their Dom about all these things they want to try. The ES is merely trying to convey their fantasies and desires to experiment, but the Dom may just decide the ES isn’t “S” – submissive – at all. And trying to tell the Dom how do their part…. or… topping from the bottom!

It seems like the best thing for a ES would be a ED (Experimentalist Dom …..NO, i did not mean Erectile dysfunction — get your mind outta the gutter. Lol.).

But stop and ask yourself….. Have you even tried half of the things you say are awful or terrible? Next time you find yourself saying, “That’s bad” or otherwise having predetermined it’s not for you….. including the peas…. maybe you should stop and ask yourself, “have I even tried it at all…. Or twice to confirm?”

And if not….. try it!! Because you just might like it…. the way i like being submissive and i dare say… spanked too!

Hugs,

Marie

117 – Second guessing

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Why do we do it? Why do we second guess everything we say… we do… we think…. everything?

Our son took a speech class where the teacher told them, “you are not the star of the show.” Meaning….. if you say something stupid, or fall down the stairs, or walk around with the back of your dress stuck in your panties, it is most definitely embarrassing…….But… when you are NOT the star of the show, no one remembers you nor what happened or what was said. Oh sure, they will laugh for a minute, but 5-minutes after that…. you are a distant memory!

So why do we second guess ourselves if 5-minutes after it happens, no one remembers?

i say it is because we want to be liked… or dare i say …. LOVED! We want people to like us, and we get nervous about messing it up to give that person a reason to not like us.

But it can backfire too!

We are trying to hire some people at work right now and one lady we interviewed this week wouldn’t stop smiling and nodding her head. She was going for the, “yes, I’m very interested and engaged” (and I hope you like me) look. But it came off creepy and weird instead. If only she’d been herself, she’d probably have been better off. But as it is, we don’t know the “real” her and have zero knowledge if we should consider her as a good candidate to hire now.

Why am i talking about all this exactly? Well…. our date went well. But we were second-guessing ourselves along the way too.

Dating can be especially hard then when you are swingers. Now there are 4-people, instead of the usual 2, who all have equal opportunity to second guess! And to worry. And to not feel confident. Why? Because we want to make a good impression and for them to like us. All 4-of us!

Just so it doesn’t get confusing, his initial is B and hers is J…. so they are “BJ” together. How wonderful is that??

So J thought she might’ve talked to much. B was concerned that David wasn’t engaged (and therefore) uninterested. i worried about quiet a few things actually….. first about what to wear (too sexy, not enough), then about our D/s with DD dynamic coming off as “too much” to them, and finally when i knew they were worried, i worried about them worrying! And David … well…. i don’t think he had any concern. Lol

Why were they concerned? Mostly it was over David. In their mind, he wasn’t participating, having fun, or otherwise seeming interested. And yet…. he was. But he’s being himself too. He’s not trying to play the part of the star of the show.

David is a naturally quiet, laid-back, go with the flow, kind of guy. And when he has something to say, he does. But at the minute he’s not having fun, doesn’t want to be there, or otherwise (truly) not engaged…. he’s out. He’s done. And we leave. If David didn’t like them, we would not have even gone to dinner with them a second time. And if at any point during the dinner, if he was out then even, we would’ve up and left. Instead, we were there for 3-hours while the wait staff was hoping we’d leave and they could reseat and flip the table for the night too. Yet, we were there using our squatters rights to hold the table from the next diners while talking and having a great time. All while the other 3 of us were busy second-guessing ourselves.

So i’d dare to say that of all 4 of us… David probably had the best time! Because he wasn’t busy second-guessing, worrying, trying to impress, or …. trying to be the star of the show. Now what i will say is he’s been having a lot of sinus problems lately and even went to the doctor this week. The doc thinks he’s allergic to something but we don’t know what. So if David was unengaged at all, it was because he was in his mind thinking about whether he’s allergic to food/drinks, something in the air/outside….. and how can he work towards getting all the sinus drainage to stop.

So when we left there, i still think they had the feeling of a little uncertainty, and yet David talked in the car ride home all about “the next date needs to be at a place we can all get naked!” Of course, i am privy to all this insight because i am a naturally observant person and picked up on the sentences here and there like, “I think I’m talking too much,” and “Is David all good?” So i’m not sure if any of them know that i know this was the ultimate vibe or not.

After setting aside all this second-guessing and uncertainty, i dare say we all love each other! Oh i know it is way early to say that out loud even to ourselves really … but we are all having so much fun and enjoying things together when we are NOT worrying, that this could truly lead to a long term thing! We talk about everything and the topics just flow from cooking to sex to tv shows to kids to favorite restaurants and then bringing us full circle of what to cook again. And everything in between too!

Yes, we have talked a lot about sex too. They know David and my dynamic. They even saw a slight bit of it in action last night. J was about to say something, but i wanted to speak too. And i it my hand up and said, “wait J, i want to first say….” and it cut her off mid-sentence. David then cut me off and said in a very dominant/strong voice to me with direct eye contact, “that was rude and way too aggressive.”

i immediately stopped speaking, looked at J and said, “i am sorry. David is right. Please continue.” i think both BJ were a bit surprised, but laughed it off, and she said, “oh no, you can go ahead.”

i wasn’t sure what to do though because i wanted to follow David’s clear direction, but i also had been yielded the floor and didn’t want it to suddenly get awkward. And at this moment typing this to you, even i don’t really remember what happened next. (See.. 5-minutes later, no one remembers!). i think i then kept talking though.

So ironically, our second-guessing personal issues went head to head at that moment. i was concerned about our dynamic and their response, she was concerned about talking too much, and even B’s concern about David not engaging was at stake too. David did engage (by telling me to slow down), they did respond perfectly well to my submissiveness (didn’t skip a beat even!), and she yielded the floor to me (to not find herself talking too much). None of us realized any of that at the time though.

So in reality, we are all perfect. And are worrying wayyyyyy too much. Even now as i type all this, i can’t think of a single moment or instance that i thought J was truly talking too much or when David wasn’t engaged or when B seemed overly concerned about any of it either. Which tells me that our son’s speech teacher is right… we aren’t the star of the show and people don’t remember the single moments of mishap. And unlike my interview this week, when you show your self-confident, natural “you”, that ultimately sends the message you both need.

And yet…. we still second guess ourselves.

And that’s ultimately just because we really want each other to like each other! In an interview or on a date. Because we care and we (all) want this to work. To which for us and BJ, i am absolutely confident that it is!

Now i just have to make sure they know it is too!!

[And in case you want to know….. although i wasn’t sure at the time, David did not take the paddle with us. So i did not get spanked at the table or in the parking lot. So i did not have to spend the night in the pokey! Nor did we do maintenance when we got home either. Sometimes David declares it unnecessary, and he did that yesterday. So i suppose i was deemed to be on my best behavior too!]

Now to plan the next date…. to get naked!

i give this show 4-stars… get it, there’s 4 of us and we are not the stars of the show… but it is a “4-star show” in the end…. 😉

Have an amazing weekend my friend!

Hugs,

Marie