117 – Second guessing

Why do we do it? Why do we second guess everything we say… we do… we think…. everything?

Our son took a speech class where the teacher told them, “you are not the star of the show.” Meaning….. if you say something stupid, or fall down the stairs, or walk around with the back of your dress stuck in your panties, it is most definitely embarrassing…….But… when you are NOT the star of the show, no one remembers you nor what happened or what was said. Oh sure, they will laugh for a minute, but 5-minutes after that…. you are a distant memory!

So why do we second guess ourselves if 5-minutes after it happens, no one remembers?

i say it is because we want to be liked… or dare i say …. LOVED! We want people to like us, and we get nervous about messing it up to give that person a reason to not like us.

But it can backfire too!

We are trying to hire some people at work right now and one lady we interviewed this week wouldn’t stop smiling and nodding her head. She was going for the, “yes, I’m very interested and engaged” (and I hope you like me) look. But it came off creepy and weird instead. If only she’d been herself, she’d probably have been better off. But as it is, we don’t know the “real” her and have zero knowledge if we should consider her as a good candidate to hire now.

Why am i talking about all this exactly? Well…. our date went well. But we were second-guessing ourselves along the way too.

Dating can be especially hard then when you are swingers. Now there are 4-people, instead of the usual 2, who all have equal opportunity to second guess! And to worry. And to not feel confident. Why? Because we want to make a good impression and for them to like us. All 4-of us!

Just so it doesn’t get confusing, his initial is B and hers is J…. so they are “BJ” together. How wonderful is that??

So J thought she might’ve talked to much. B was concerned that David wasn’t engaged (and therefore) uninterested. i worried about quiet a few things actually….. first about what to wear (too sexy, not enough), then about our D/s with DD dynamic coming off as “too much” to them, and finally when i knew they were worried, i worried about them worrying! And David … well…. i don’t think he had any concern. Lol

Why were they concerned? Mostly it was over David. In their mind, he wasn’t participating, having fun, or otherwise seeming interested. And yet…. he was. But he’s being himself too. He’s not trying to play the part of the star of the show.

David is a naturally quiet, laid-back, go with the flow, kind of guy. And when he has something to say, he does. But at the minute he’s not having fun, doesn’t want to be there, or otherwise (truly) not engaged…. he’s out. He’s done. And we leave. If David didn’t like them, we would not have even gone to dinner with them a second time. And if at any point during the dinner, if he was out then even, we would’ve up and left. Instead, we were there for 3-hours while the wait staff was hoping we’d leave and they could reseat and flip the table for the night too. Yet, we were there using our squatters rights to hold the table from the next diners while talking and having a great time. All while the other 3 of us were busy second-guessing ourselves.

So i’d dare to say that of all 4 of us… David probably had the best time! Because he wasn’t busy second-guessing, worrying, trying to impress, or …. trying to be the star of the show. Now what i will say is he’s been having a lot of sinus problems lately and even went to the doctor this week. The doc thinks he’s allergic to something but we don’t know what. So if David was unengaged at all, it was because he was in his mind thinking about whether he’s allergic to food/drinks, something in the air/outside….. and how can he work towards getting all the sinus drainage to stop.

So when we left there, i still think they had the feeling of a little uncertainty, and yet David talked in the car ride home all about “the next date needs to be at a place we can all get naked!” Of course, i am privy to all this insight because i am a naturally observant person and picked up on the sentences here and there like, “I think I’m talking too much,” and “Is David all good?” So i’m not sure if any of them know that i know this was the ultimate vibe or not.

After setting aside all this second-guessing and uncertainty, i dare say we all love each other! Oh i know it is way early to say that out loud even to ourselves really … but we are all having so much fun and enjoying things together when we are NOT worrying, that this could truly lead to a long term thing! We talk about everything and the topics just flow from cooking to sex to tv shows to kids to favorite restaurants and then bringing us full circle of what to cook again. And everything in between too!

Yes, we have talked a lot about sex too. They know David and my dynamic. They even saw a slight bit of it in action last night. J was about to say something, but i wanted to speak too. And i it my hand up and said, “wait J, i want to first say….” and it cut her off mid-sentence. David then cut me off and said in a very dominant/strong voice to me with direct eye contact, “that was rude and way too aggressive.”

i immediately stopped speaking, looked at J and said, “i am sorry. David is right. Please continue.” i think both BJ were a bit surprised, but laughed it off, and she said, “oh no, you can go ahead.”

i wasn’t sure what to do though because i wanted to follow David’s clear direction, but i also had been yielded the floor and didn’t want it to suddenly get awkward. And at this moment typing this to you, even i don’t really remember what happened next. (See.. 5-minutes later, no one remembers!). i think i then kept talking though.

So ironically, our second-guessing personal issues went head to head at that moment. i was concerned about our dynamic and their response, she was concerned about talking too much, and even B’s concern about David not engaging was at stake too. David did engage (by telling me to slow down), they did respond perfectly well to my submissiveness (didn’t skip a beat even!), and she yielded the floor to me (to not find herself talking too much). None of us realized any of that at the time though.

So in reality, we are all perfect. And are worrying wayyyyyy too much. Even now as i type all this, i can’t think of a single moment or instance that i thought J was truly talking too much or when David wasn’t engaged or when B seemed overly concerned about any of it either. Which tells me that our son’s speech teacher is right… we aren’t the star of the show and people don’t remember the single moments of mishap. And unlike my interview this week, when you show your self-confident, natural “you”, that ultimately sends the message you both need.

And yet…. we still second guess ourselves.

And that’s ultimately just because we really want each other to like each other! In an interview or on a date. Because we care and we (all) want this to work. To which for us and BJ, i am absolutely confident that it is!

Now i just have to make sure they know it is too!!

[And in case you want to know….. although i wasn’t sure at the time, David did not take the paddle with us. So i did not get spanked at the table or in the parking lot. So i did not have to spend the night in the pokey! Nor did we do maintenance when we got home either. Sometimes David declares it unnecessary, and he did that yesterday. So i suppose i was deemed to be on my best behavior too!]

Now to plan the next date…. to get naked!

i give this show 4-stars… get it, there’s 4 of us and we are not the stars of the show… but it is a “4-star show” in the end…. 😉

Have an amazing weekend my friend!




  1. I think it’s only natural to second guess ourselves, especially in the beginning of a new relationship when everyone is still getting to know one another.
    ~ Marie

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