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Tag: married life

143 – Intentional Dependence

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This post was made awhile ago. i woke up today to find it in my “drafts” instead of the “posts”. So…. one more technical problem. Sorry! But now that it has happened twice, i know what the problem is… i just have to determine how to fix it.

SO IF YOU READ THIS BEFORE, YOU CAN STOP NOW. OR… RE-READ FOR A REFRESHER. YOUR CHOICE…..

The last post (#142 Toughest Part) ended with me posing this question, also from a reader who emailed me…….

Why would i want to be dependent on my husband and how does he take on this responsibility without effectively having to become my parent?

This is a great question. It happens to be two questions wrapped into one. i think the first part (why would i want to be [that] dependent on my husband) is about me, but the second part (Responsibility….Without him having to become my parent) is about him.

The first part…. about ME.

(i like talking about ME! But don’t think i am that arrogant. It’s mostly because i know who i am. Whereas when i talk about others, i have to speculate about their intentions or thoughts. So it’s just easier to talk about me!)

Dependent upon my husband….. i happen to think every good marriage should be this way! Dependent upon one another. D/s or not!

If you don’t depend on one another, you don’t meld and bond. Like how a welder makes two things become one. The bond is stronger after he/she welds them together.

My nephew took a welding class in high school as an elective. When they had a project, the pass/fail test was to drop the “thing” on the floor. If it broke apart, it didn’t result in a good grade. If it stayed together, it was a passing grade. And how well it stayed together, fully or partially, determined how good the grade ultimately was.

Isn’t a marriage that way? If it falls and breaks, it is bound to fail. But if it falls, but holds together, that’s a sign of success! The key though isn’t to focus on the falling part, but the bond that holds it together in the first place. The stronger the bond, the stronger the two pieces welded together…. and a marriage too.

Which ultimately means…… when the two things depend upon one another they form a bond that is actually stronger together than apart. So from a submissive standpoint, i’d actually say being dependent upon my husband is critical and vice versa too.

Now that’s the result of being dependent… a stronger bond. But what dependence means is giving up control. Giving up the ability to say what i want, when i want, to whom i want. And not just speaking, but doing also.

It does NOT mean though that i am some robot and my remote control is in his hands. i still very much think on my own and make decisions! It just means i gain approval and authority for “big stuff” (or anything we previously agreed would be in his purview) before moving forward with my plan.

For example, i know that David loves to cook and he loves me to be home by 6 for dinner. If i want to go out to happy hour/dinner with friends, i have to ask first. But it’s not like he will (probably) say no. i mostly ask out of courtesy and respect. What if he already planned dinner, went to the store for the necessities, and had it half cooked when i just “announced” i wasn’t going to be home for dinner at all? That’s just rude. And inconsiderate. So…. i ask permission first rather than telling him. And when i ask, i am fully aware the answer may be “no.” And if it is no, i tell my co-workers that i’m not able to attend. i don’t have to give an explanation as to “why”, but if i do say why, it’s never derogatory about or towards David. i never say things like, “He won’t allow me to go.”

So ultimately why i want to be dependent upon him, is because i want to meld together with my husband that ultimately builds a stronger bond.

Which makes ME think the opposite… why wouldn’t you want to be dependent upon your spouse?

And that brings me to the second part…. how does he take on this responsibility without effectively having to become my parent?

We are each our own person. He is not “responsible” for me, i am! i am still responsible to dress, eat, work, abide by laws, and … well…. be responsible for me.

He is, however, the guiding light. He is the one to make final decisions. He is the one who should be in charge.

So he is not my parent, but rather the “head of household”. Just like there is one chief of the Indians, one Queen of the Royal Family, one President of the United States, and so on… there is but one Head of Household. And that’s not me. And i readily accepted my “second” in command as Vice President or Second in command.

We work best when only one of us are making decisions, and the other is following.

So ultimately he is not a parent to me anymore than the President is my parent. And yet, the President makes decisions and signs into law things that i abide by.

The difference between David and the President is David makes decisions that have a direct, literal, and VERY close-to-my-heart impact.

Now all that said, David does sometimes slip, not lead, or not be responsible. Because he’s sick, tired, worn out, or… stressed and depressed. No one acts the exact same way every day. And…. it’s ok.

But admittedly those are the times when our house doesn’t run as smoothly. We tend to have more troubles in our marriage and life when he is “off” than when he is “on.”

But…. that’s when we have to communicate even more, i have to try even more to be the best submissive i can be, and to be patient to get through those times as smoothly as possible.

And trust in our melded …. and welded…. marriage and lifestyle.

Hugs,

Marie

154 – Winter is hard

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Winter is Hard….. to feel sexy…. for SO many reasons.

1) Darkness. Whoever invented Day Light Savings (DST) Time was a genius. (DST is the time we have during the summer… when we “fall back” we go back to “Standard time” (ST)). But the person who thought switching it back to ST was idiotic.

It gets too dark too quick. i get nothing done after work. i feel like all i do is work. It gets light about the time to go to work, and dark shortly after getting home.

i read an interesting article from the Farmer’s Almanac dispelling the myth that Farmers started it all! They actually are the biggest opponents to it and argue against it as much as possible! They say the sun dictates their day, not the hour on the clock. The sun tells the crops when to grow and the animals when to wake and eat.

So of course when all i do is “work,” i feel tired and ready for bed. Which means… i am NOT ready for ANY sexual activity.

i would vote in favor of DST year round! Just saying!

2) Holidays galore. i LOVE Halloween and Thanksgiving, but especially Christmas. It is the only holiday that we all decorate our houses inside and out, we greet one another with something other than “hello” and “goodbye” (typically Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays), and everyone gets a gift . And let’s not forget the parties or special events (concerts, theater productions, etc) that are themed and timed all around these particular dates.

Now don’t get onto me about the words “all” and “everyone”, because i recognize not all decorate or that not everyone gets a gift. But… more do than don’t. So meaning, there is no other holiday where even half the people on any given street would decorate the outside of their house, and especially no other holiday with lights too. And no other holiday where we all get gifts, unlike your birthday where it’s just you, or mother’s/Father’s Day where it is just that sex. So it becomes a festive and (literally) bright holiday.

But…. all these festivities require more things be added to the to-do list too. And that means more “work” has to be done to prepare for all this fun and festivity. So we already have fewer daylight hours and now we have more to do in them!

3) allergies and head colds set in. i have been battling this for a week now. My head hurts all the time from a too-stopped-up or a won’t-stop-running nose. That is wearing me down for sure.

But… it gets dark early, soooooo…. off to bed for me! [ALWAYS ways to find the positive!]

4) But the biggest and most primary reason of all that Winter is Hard to be sexy…..We have SO many clothes on!

i’ve experimented with No Clothes on in the house. It was hard to do in the summer for my own modesty (self consciousness) and our teen son in the house. But NOW… because i would be shivering all day everyday. In fact, i have on more clothes now than i did then.

SO WHAT TO DO?

So how to change these negative trends? How do you combat the “winter blah” and still look, feel, and act sexy… to keep the marriage sparks flaming?!

Good question. Glad you asked. Oh wait.. i asked YOU! i want to know…. what do YOU do to stay sexy in the winter-blah months?

i’ve been absent from here lately (and i know you know and i am grateful to those that have asked me about it …. knowing someone cares is sexy all by itself)…… but….. i think it’s time to come back. To embrace the un-sexy part of winter.

You tell me today what you do… and i will tell you tomorrow what i do! Deal? Ok then… give me a comment below then!

Hugs,

Marie

152 – Change. Or is it Process Improvement ?

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Change is hard. No one likes it. It is a big, mean, scary monster that rears its ugly head every so often and we don’t like it.

But what if you heard the words, “Process Improvement,”……….. would that make it less big, mean, or scary? Would you be able to embrace it better?

Think about it, no one C-H-A-N-G-E-S anything for the express purpose of making it worse. We make changes trying to make things better. While the old adage of, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” is generally true….. sometimes it can still be improved. Maybe a fix isn’t what is needed, but improvement might be.

THIS is what i would say is happening in my marriage right now. We are doing “Process Improvement.” Nothing too major, and we aren’t fixing what ain’t broke, but we are tweaking things. We are improving things.

So we aren’t abandoning any of our old ways, lifestyle, or DD. We are just improving it.

i told you that November is historically a bad month for us. We fight in November probably more than all the other months combined! i don’t even think David realizes that the month on the calendar ….. November …. is the common denominator. But i do.

This past week, i set out to C-H-A-N-G-E things. Or … said in a nicer, more palatable way…. to IMPROVE things.

One thing i realized was that we were both feeling under-appreciated. And as such, we wanted the other to DO something to or for the other to make it better. (We both wanted the other to C-H-A-N-G-E!)

i decided to stop waiting to be the one to receive it, and to be the one to give it. (Tis better to give than to receive… right?… okay, that’s the saying for December, and we are still in THANKFUL November… so back to NOVEMBER…)

Ya know though, the funny thing about giving is that typically you do indeed end up receiving. What goes around, comes around. Give out the good and the good comes back to you.

It started with me making a spontaneous breakfast for both David and i on Thursday. On Friday, i texted him saying, “I was just thinking about you. I hope your day is good. I love you.” Nothing big at all, and certainly not expensive, but still meaningful.

And on Saturday, he asked me to go out and play golf with him. Now this may sound minor, it was actually HUGE….. because he plays EVERY Saturday with the guy friends and he/i play on (some) Sunday afternoons.

i said, “Aren’t you playing with the guys?”

And he said, “The weather is going to be perfect and I thought it would be nice to play with you.”

He chose me over all the other men on a Saturday.

There was NO way i was saying no! So we went to play. And the weather was amazing and we enjoyed the day together. And we both played good too (an added bonus!)

And when we got home he said, “We haven’t done maintenance in several weeks. Don’t you think it’s needed?”

Now i know maintenance spankings work. And i know it probably was needed. But i don’t actually like being spanked. i like giving up control, knowing i submit to my husband, and knowing how well it works. But i don’t like the actual spanking itself.

So i was immediately annoyed.

i was thinking, “why ruin a perfectly good day with that? Besides, i am in the middle of doing something else now too.”

i was thinking of the loophole here too.

He didn’t say we had to do it right NOW. In fact, he asked me about it. He didn’t tell me to go assume the position even!?!?

He saw me roll my eyes and asked about it. He said, “what are you thinking?” i spoke my mind and told him all the things in my head.

He tilted his head and said, “You know what I meant.” And i did. He was right. i just didn’t like or want it at that moment.

So i got up and went to the bedroom. He followed me. He got out the paddle and stood at the end of the bed.

And he watched me undress. While i have undressed and/or been naked in front of him 1,000+ times in our marriage, when you do it while someone is staring at you, with a paddle in their hand, waiting on you…. it’s a bit humiliating and intimidating.

And maybe it is supposed to be that way.

Because in that fine razor point moment, i dropped the attitude and showed the submissive heart that i needed (and ultimately wanted) to too.

And i was spanked. For the first time in several weeks…. maybe in all of November even.

Afterward, we sat and talked a bit about all the fighting and even the bickering we had had lately. (And it hurt to sit on my red bottom then!). We talked about ways to avoid the fights in the future.

At Missy’s advice, i suggested we implement the red light system for fights in the same way we have it for discipline. Green is all good to go, yellow is slow it down as this is not going in the right direction, and red is stop right now. This system can, and hopefully will, be used by both of us to not have disagreements escalate in the first place.

But we also talked about times when we get mad anyway. When he is getting mad at me because of things i am saying (or yelling) what to do then. Because he doesn’t want to ever spank when he’s mad (because he may lose control at that point), we agreed he would tell me to go stand in the corner until i calm down enough to speak my words without the negative tone. Or he will tell me to write out what i have to say on paper, where he will read it and determine a response. Both of these cause me to take a pause and to reflect further before spewing anger everywhere.

And if i am just so mad (and stubborn) that i refuse to do these things, then he will flat out ignore me until i calm down. At which time, i will go assume the spanking position and prepare for a bad punishment. i will not be punished for what i wanted or was trying to say (aka: what i was mad about), but rather for failure to submit to the directive of standing in the corner or writing it out calmly. And then after that, we will also deal with “the issue” at hand causing the anger in the first place.

He agreed these were all smarter ways to deal with our anger than what we have been doing in the month of November.

So…. we are tweaking things. Making changes… or rather… Process Improvements!

i am encouraged… and THANKFUL…. For so many wonderful, things in my life…. including my best friend, head of house, and dominant husband to whom i submit to.

Next time you think about C-H-A-N-G-E, think about it positively with the notion that things are just I-M-P-R-O-V-I-N-G… and embrace it! It just might come full circle where the good you put out, comes back to you 10-fold greater!

Hugs,

Marie

150 – Sometimes… it doesn’t work

Written by Marie on . Posted in Marriage, Submission. No Comments on 150 – Sometimes… it doesn’t work

Disclaimer… i started this post almost a week ago…. so the “tonight” was 5-days ago now…..

Like house smoked brisket green chile pizza with smoked paprika on it. (who does that really?)

But the other thing that doesn’t work… sometimes…. is D/s or DD. Sometimes, it just doesn’t.

i usually praise it. At how well it works. And it does. Until it doesn’t.

So i like to tell you about the times it works. That is positive, fun to talk about, and it creates an “all warm and fuzzy inside,” kind of feeling.

But that’s not real life, at least not 100% of the time anyway. So this post is going to be “real life” with you and tell you about how the lifestyle we have just doesn’t ALWAYS work. (But let’s be real, nothing in life “always” works, right?)

So now i’ll tell you about our night tonight… and tell you how our lifestyle hasn’t made things “all good” for us tonight.

In fact, as i write this, we are still officially in a fight. And i am about to head to sleep, in the guest room. i’d like to tell you i’m sad about this, but right now, i am still so mad i just can’t be sad. After i calm down, i will likely be in tears and be sad, because that’s what i do. But at this moment, i am honestly…. just mad… still.

So what happened anyway? And will this be ok?

i’ll answer the second one first… yes, this will be ok. In fact, it will be fine by tomorrow after we both calm down.

Back to the first question now…..

So David set up a date with a new couple. A first date. i wasn’t too crazy about going, mostly because i don’t do well on Friday nights. i am tired from a long week of work and after getting up early every day, i am mentally and physically just tired. So on Friday’s, i am ready to do “nothing at all.” Or something with “just” my family, where i put on NO airs whatsoever.

But i didn’t argue or disagree. i just got ready and we went. This was probably the first mistake though. i should’ve just said i didn’t want to go. But it felt like a party-pooper kinda thing to say or do, so i didn’t.

We went to a restaurant that i have never been to. The weather was nice, and we sat outside. Perfect. And it really was at this point. i tried to tell myself to just enjoy the evening. But i could tell i wasn’t in the right frame of mind. So i smiled and was just (relatively) quiet and let the others talk.

i was looking at the menu and everything from the drinks to the food was filled with descriptions that when i was done reading it, i felt like i had no “real” certainty of what anything would actually taste like. It was not a fancy place at all really, but let’s just say the menu-designer (or chef) used a lot of 50 cent words to make it fancier than was necessary.

Here’s an example: Green Chile Smoked Brisket oven fired pizza. Here’s what the menu says about it, “smoked house brisket | poblano salsa | goat cheese | roasted corn | smoked paprika.”

That’s a pizza! Who smokes paprika? And then puts it on a pizza? Where is the basic marguerita or pepperoni with mozzarella?

i don’t especially like to go “exotic” when it comes to my meals. i mean, i will try new stuff, but i have to have some confidence that i will end up with something i will want to eat and pay for too.

So now my sour puss mood got even more sour! Because i just wasn’t in the mood for all this “new stuff”.

The entire evening went like this. And as i listened to David tell them things that made us sound rich, famous, jet setting, trendy people, the more annoyed i became.

i felt like he was exaggerating for NO reason, except to either show off or want to be liked. Neither of which do i find attractive qualities in anyone. And so i continued to get even more annoyed.

At the end of the dinner, we parted ways, and the very minute we were in the car, David said, “what’s going on with you? You barely spoke.”

And i said, “well, sometimes you say things that i wonder about, and you said a lot of those things tonight.”

He said, “like what?”

So i told him, “sometimes i think maybe you say things that lead people to believe one way and it’s not exactly the truth and it bothers me.” And he said, “you need to stop now. I’m already getting irritated. I never lied about anything tonight. So just stop!”

i did. i stopped. But if truth be told, i think he got irritated because i think he didn’t like me calling him out on his behavior. And as i have told you before, most of the time… if it just doesn’t matter, its often better to keep your mouth closed. While i did stop, the proverbial cat was out of the bag.

As we approached the house, after sitting in silence for much of the ride home, he said, “is it time for a spanking?”

And i said, “No.”

He said, “Since when do you get to decide??”

i said, “since you ASKED, and i answered.”

And we proceeded to get into a yelling match from there. Because my tone was NOT submissive in ANY way. (At one point i yelled, “Don’t ASK if you don’t want an answer given! And while i will accept it, i will never volunteer for a spanking!”)

And i am STILL mad. But at least now we went from yelling to silent treatment. And i am ok with that!

Now this is where our dynamic has failed us tonight. Most of the time, we don’t fight. We talk rationally. And when that fails, i do get spanked – mostly for failure to yield.

But when we are both SO angry, like we are tonight, it is NOT a good time to spank. i probably wouldn’t accept it anyway, not with the right heart anyway. And he might not deliver it well either, and probably not with the right intention or leadership also.

This is where, had he indeed spanked me, i think we both would look back later and think it was unjust, improper, and (possibly) abusive.

Instead, i picked up my pillow and moved to the guest room……..With my iPad to be able to tell you all about it.

Disclaimer number two……Here is where i will finish this post “tonight,” in real time…..

i didn’t end up finishing that post because when i got that far, about 20-minutes into being in the guest room, David texted me and said, “I think you need to come back to our bed to sleep here with me.”

It was a test. And we both knew it.

i didn’t want to! i wanted to be mad. But i also knew i wouldn’t be mad forever, and why be stubborn just for the sake of it too??

So i texted back and said, “Yes Sir.”

And picked up my pillow and went back to our room. i got in bed and he said, “Good night. I love you.” And i said the same. That was all the words we spoke.

So with that, a truce and cease fire had been issued.

The next morning, we didn’t really say much. We said some, but really it was over and done.

In thinking about it now though….. in some ways, maybe our lifestyle dynamic did NOT fail us. While the “normal way” we do things didn’t go as usual, in the end, he was my Dom and told me to come to bed, and i was his submissive and complied.

So while he didn’t use force of the paddle, he did use his power of words. And i exercised my right to submit. It is a right and i do have a decision to make. And i still choose David as my Head or Household, dominant, Sir and husband.

So this week has been dull compared to this past weekend. And i am only now deciding this was “blog post worthy.” It took me several days of debating if i was going to broadcast that our dynamic failed us, we got into a huge fight, and i was doubting things for a hot minute there.

But in the end, our dynamic really has worked… just in an unexpected way.

And Friday maintenance is upcoming and eminent too! So maybe the paddle will collide with my rear soon enough!

Hugs,

Marie

148 – It takes a Strong Sir

Written by Marie on . Posted in Deep Thoughts, Submission. No Comments on 148 – It takes a Strong Sir

…… to satisfy a needy sub.

Especially one who is having “sub frenzy” moments. (This would be a good time to have a Second Sir or Ma’am in real life!)

It took me a long time to even really understand what this meant or was about. Sub frenzy i mean. And admittedly, i am still not totally sure i get it.

Let me explain first what i think it is and then how i currently feel.

Most people define sub frenzy as (paraphrasing here) being so overzealous to be submissive that you do whatever it takes to get it, even to your own detriment. Most define it as relating to new subs and not experienced ones, because they are so eager to discover how to be submissive that they do everything at once.

i agree with that definition, except i don’t think it just pertains to new submissives but rather all submissives at some point. Kind of how the water ebbs and flows, i think so does this craving to be “more submissive.”

An experienced submissive knows what she likes, what works, what she wants to maintain. So when it’s lost (even in part), she yearns and strives to get it back. So she becomes obsessive about going after it, even (possibly) to her own detriment.

But an experienced submissive does this knowingly, whereas a new submissive does it unintentionally. The eagerness to submit but also the detriment part is what i am speaking of. i know what i am going after and i know the consequences too.

So …… i feel i am come down with a bad case of “sub frenzy.” Probably brought on from having been stressed at work, been “in control” there, and not had time to be the best submissive lately.

Lately, i have felt like i have been less submissive than i need to be or even than i should be. And i feel like David hasn’t held me accountable the way he should. i told you this a few days ago too.

And i told him too. This week. i told him.

After i went to work, i texted him. i find it so much easier to hide behind my phone, and that’s what i did this time too. (Not proud of that, but it is what it is. In some ways, and in my defense, i say, “at least i find a way to tell him in some way.” But yes, i should talk in person too. i tend to get embarrassed though and i sometimes wonder what he may say or how he may react, so it seems easier to do it from afar and via text. That’s probably another post too! Ok but that’s not for this one and now i need to get back to this one…..)

This is what i texted him……

Sir – I think you ought to consider doing a spanking discipline for “additional maintenance” (or reinforcing or reinstalling) every day for awhile.

And I don’t mean “lightly” either. If you decide to do this and at the time you carry it out, I want it to be hard enough that I regret these words.

I think I REALLY need to know & appreciate your power, strength and authority.

And i waited for an answer. He didn’t make me wait for long though.

He responded with two words… and an exclamation point:

I agree!

So that’s when i stared at my phone and thought, “oh geez. What have i gone and done now??!!?!”

i was already regretting these words. And it hadn’t even been 10-minutes!

And yet, i wasn’t! In SO many ways, i was NOT regretting this move and was wishing i had actually said these words in person. If it had been in person, i could’ve gone straight to the bedroom to Assume The Position at that very moment and be spanked right then!

See this is why i think i have a case of “Sub Frenzy.” i have done nothing wrong – officially anyway – that would warrant or deserve this. But i am craving it, needing it, and trying to make it happen. i need to feel his power and authority over me. No, i don’t need to be spanked, what i need is to be made to submit thoroughly. And if that comes best in the form of a spanking, then by all means… let’s do it! i try to be a good submissive wife intentionally anyway, but when i slip from this behavior, i want to to be put back in place. Again, THIS is what i would deem a “sub frenzy” mentality.

Just to be clear though, sub frenzy is NOT about me wanting to get myself hurt or hurting myself intentionally. i am not craving a sore bottom. i am craving his authority, attention, and him taking control.

When i came home and i was changing out of my work clothes, David came to the bedroom and saw me naked. He said, “perfect timing. Assume The Position. NOW.”

And he proceeded to spank my bottom. And while he did, he said things to me like, “Careful what you wish for. But then again, we both wish for you to be a good submissive. And to show more respect to me, your Sir.”

And i couldn’t have been more turned on! It was exactly as i needed! It was the most amazing sexy thing my man could do….. show me who was in control of me!

B-U-T …… then………. it stopped.

i wanted more. And more. And MORE!

THIS is me in sub frenzy. i want to submit so badly that i have to remember that i am NOT in control, by design. And that i have to trust his judgement. He stopped spanking on purpose at that moment. If i had my way, i would’ve (probably) been physically hurt. Which again, is sub frenzy as you strive to achieve the elusive “best submissive ever” title, even to your own detriment.

B-U-T….. tomorrow i’ll get another chance to be submissive …. and maybe to be spanked into it. And maybe not. At some point, the “natural submissive” in me will snap back into its place and this frenzy mentality will cease once again.

Oh – and then – i saw (remembered, noticed) that i had actually sent David TWO back-to-back posts that actually saw at the same time . The one above was the second post. The first one was………

Unless you think these beers in the frig – that have been there since last dec when we had that party are any good still – we should probably consider throwing them away.

(FYI … we buy beer for others, and we rarely drink it ourselves. We typically drink red wine.)

And after he received BOTH texts is when i had actually received the single response of, “I agree!”

So which one did Sir really respond and agree with?!?! 😂🤣🤔🤔🤔

Hugs,

Marie