150 – Sometimes… it doesn’t work

Disclaimer… i started this post almost a week ago…. so the “tonight” was 5-days ago now…..

Like house smoked brisket green chile pizza with smoked paprika on it. (who does that really?)

But the other thing that doesn’t work… sometimes…. is D/s or DD. Sometimes, it just doesn’t.

i usually praise it. At how well it works. And it does. Until it doesn’t.

So i like to tell you about the times it works. That is positive, fun to talk about, and it creates an “all warm and fuzzy inside,” kind of feeling.

But that’s not real life, at least not 100% of the time anyway. So this post is going to be “real life” with you and tell you about how the lifestyle we have just doesn’t ALWAYS work. (But let’s be real, nothing in life “always” works, right?)

So now i’ll tell you about our night tonight… and tell you how our lifestyle hasn’t made things “all good” for us tonight.

In fact, as i write this, we are still officially in a fight. And i am about to head to sleep, in the guest room. i’d like to tell you i’m sad about this, but right now, i am still so mad i just can’t be sad. After i calm down, i will likely be in tears and be sad, because that’s what i do. But at this moment, i am honestly…. just mad… still.

So what happened anyway? And will this be ok?

i’ll answer the second one first… yes, this will be ok. In fact, it will be fine by tomorrow after we both calm down.

Back to the first question now…..

So David set up a date with a new couple. A first date. i wasn’t too crazy about going, mostly because i don’t do well on Friday nights. i am tired from a long week of work and after getting up early every day, i am mentally and physically just tired. So on Friday’s, i am ready to do “nothing at all.” Or something with “just” my family, where i put on NO airs whatsoever.

But i didn’t argue or disagree. i just got ready and we went. This was probably the first mistake though. i should’ve just said i didn’t want to go. But it felt like a party-pooper kinda thing to say or do, so i didn’t.

We went to a restaurant that i have never been to. The weather was nice, and we sat outside. Perfect. And it really was at this point. i tried to tell myself to just enjoy the evening. But i could tell i wasn’t in the right frame of mind. So i smiled and was just (relatively) quiet and let the others talk.

i was looking at the menu and everything from the drinks to the food was filled with descriptions that when i was done reading it, i felt like i had no “real” certainty of what anything would actually taste like. It was not a fancy place at all really, but let’s just say the menu-designer (or chef) used a lot of 50 cent words to make it fancier than was necessary.

Here’s an example: Green Chile Smoked Brisket oven fired pizza. Here’s what the menu says about it, “smoked house brisket | poblano salsa | goat cheese | roasted corn | smoked paprika.”

That’s a pizza! Who smokes paprika? And then puts it on a pizza? Where is the basic marguerita or pepperoni with mozzarella?

i don’t especially like to go “exotic” when it comes to my meals. i mean, i will try new stuff, but i have to have some confidence that i will end up with something i will want to eat and pay for too.

So now my sour puss mood got even more sour! Because i just wasn’t in the mood for all this “new stuff”.

The entire evening went like this. And as i listened to David tell them things that made us sound rich, famous, jet setting, trendy people, the more annoyed i became.

i felt like he was exaggerating for NO reason, except to either show off or want to be liked. Neither of which do i find attractive qualities in anyone. And so i continued to get even more annoyed.

At the end of the dinner, we parted ways, and the very minute we were in the car, David said, “what’s going on with you? You barely spoke.”

And i said, “well, sometimes you say things that i wonder about, and you said a lot of those things tonight.”

He said, “like what?”

So i told him, “sometimes i think maybe you say things that lead people to believe one way and it’s not exactly the truth and it bothers me.” And he said, “you need to stop now. I’m already getting irritated. I never lied about anything tonight. So just stop!”

i did. i stopped. But if truth be told, i think he got irritated because i think he didn’t like me calling him out on his behavior. And as i have told you before, most of the time… if it just doesn’t matter, its often better to keep your mouth closed. While i did stop, the proverbial cat was out of the bag.

As we approached the house, after sitting in silence for much of the ride home, he said, “is it time for a spanking?”

And i said, “No.”

He said, “Since when do you get to decide??”

i said, “since you ASKED, and i answered.”

And we proceeded to get into a yelling match from there. Because my tone was NOT submissive in ANY way. (At one point i yelled, “Don’t ASK if you don’t want an answer given! And while i will accept it, i will never volunteer for a spanking!”)

And i am STILL mad. But at least now we went from yelling to silent treatment. And i am ok with that!

Now this is where our dynamic has failed us tonight. Most of the time, we don’t fight. We talk rationally. And when that fails, i do get spanked – mostly for failure to yield.

But when we are both SO angry, like we are tonight, it is NOT a good time to spank. i probably wouldn’t accept it anyway, not with the right heart anyway. And he might not deliver it well either, and probably not with the right intention or leadership also.

This is where, had he indeed spanked me, i think we both would look back later and think it was unjust, improper, and (possibly) abusive.

Instead, i picked up my pillow and moved to the guest room……..With my iPad to be able to tell you all about it.

Disclaimer number two……Here is where i will finish this post “tonight,” in real time…..

i didn’t end up finishing that post because when i got that far, about 20-minutes into being in the guest room, David texted me and said, “I think you need to come back to our bed to sleep here with me.”

It was a test. And we both knew it.

i didn’t want to! i wanted to be mad. But i also knew i wouldn’t be mad forever, and why be stubborn just for the sake of it too??

So i texted back and said, “Yes Sir.”

And picked up my pillow and went back to our room. i got in bed and he said, “Good night. I love you.” And i said the same. That was all the words we spoke.

So with that, a truce and cease fire had been issued.

The next morning, we didn’t really say much. We said some, but really it was over and done.

In thinking about it now though….. in some ways, maybe our lifestyle dynamic did NOT fail us. While the “normal way” we do things didn’t go as usual, in the end, he was my Dom and told me to come to bed, and i was his submissive and complied.

So while he didn’t use force of the paddle, he did use his power of words. And i exercised my right to submit. It is a right and i do have a decision to make. And i still choose David as my Head or Household, dominant, Sir and husband.

So this week has been dull compared to this past weekend. And i am only now deciding this was “blog post worthy.” It took me several days of debating if i was going to broadcast that our dynamic failed us, we got into a huge fight, and i was doubting things for a hot minute there.

But in the end, our dynamic really has worked… just in an unexpected way.

And Friday maintenance is upcoming and eminent too! So maybe the paddle will collide with my rear soon enough!




  1. First off, I am sending you a big high five for keeping it real, my friend! It’s hard to write about one’s dynamic when things aren’t going great. I really admire you being your authentic self. Second, as you pointed out toward the end of this post, your dynamic did come through in the end…and you slept in bed, next to your HOH, as it should be. Try to be gentle with yourself…things won’t always be perfect one hundred percent of the time…sometimes you will mess up, sometimes he will… but the important thing is that you both just get right back on the D/s train and keep trying. Your desire to submit to your husband comes across so clearly in your blog…even if it doesn’t feel like it, you are doing great. Lastly…talk to your husband about Friday nights. This is clearly not a recipe for success for you after a long week. Perhaps date night with other couples should only happen on Saturdays…seems like a pretty easy compromise. Sending you hugs, my friend <3

    • Nora –
      Thank you for all your kind comments. I’ll probably talk to David about Friday’s, but I think he probably got the idea by the time we were done yelling at one another ….. I “mentioned” it then already. Ha!
      I hope all is well with you also!!

      • Marie,
        It still might be a good idea to talk about it when you are both calm. That way, if you need to refer back to it, you don’t say something like, “remember? I told you when we were fighting”. Again, I really do applaud you for this post. To me, the only way all this blogging stuff is meaningful is if it is authentic. I’ve noticed that the blogs that I tend to become invested in are those where the writers share the good, the bad, and the ugly. I hope you know how very much I admire you and David’s dynamic. Take good care of yourself, my friend <3 XOXO, Nora

    • The entire menu was just “too much” for me…. but the pizzas especially struck a cord with me. Would you have ordered that smoked brisket pizza?! Just curious. (I thought about asking the waitress, “how popular are these pizzas anyway?!?” But I didn’t)

      Hugs! Marie

      • LOL…yes, my hubby and I do enjoy gourmet foods and pizzas… and smoked brisket is absolutely delicious. But, there are times when I just want a good old American-style pizza too, nothing too fancy smancy 🙂

  2. I agree with Nora about keeping it real. This isn’t always easy to do but so many blogs give a false impression which sets a ridiculous standard. Things will never go right all of the time and sometimes the ways you would usually deal with things just aren’t appropriate.

    In terms of managing this and communicating I think that generally people are more comfortable with sharing when they are struggling with the play side rather than the lifestyle part but really it should be the same. I rarely safeword for either but we use the green, yellow, red system and I will use yellow to say that I need the space to slow down and talk about what is happening. I wonder if this might have worked? For us it means that we can still communicate and take a little time out rather than it be the all or nothing. Often this is required for reflection (and like you I do that through writing) and then we are able to talk, followed by some sort of reset which allows us to reconnect properly as D and s. There will always times that you can submit physically or emotionally or intellectually etc but that doesn’t mean you want to throw the whole dynamic out or see it as failing.

    It sounds like you both found a way of sorting it out. He knew when to try again and you knew when to go to him. It is good to hear of these learning experiences and to see others in a real way as I think it is far more helpful that we don’t just see the good or easy bits and the parts where it all works out. I love these parts but always learn more about me and about us from the times we have to work at it. I am glad things worked out and pleased that you shared. Missy x

    • Missy – we use the red light system too, but only in sexy/hot scenes or discipline. I’ve never thought about using it in a “real life” way. But this is a truly great idea and I am going to implement it for sure! I can’t believe how obvious that sounds and yet it never occurred to me. Thank you. Many hugs to you across the pond! Marie

      • I want to comment on this as well. While my Daddy and I have never used a safeword for emotional topics or during challenging conversations (and we probably should be…definitely something to discuss), when I was submitting to Implacable, it was one of the first things he implemented. He wanted me to have a way to feel safe in stopping a conversation if it was just getting to be too much, or if I needed time to think through my feelings or what I wanted to say. I think that this is a very good idea in D/s as it isn’t just during a sexy scene, or during discipline, that we might need a way to pause things for a moment. Great job bringing up such an important topic, Missy!

      • I am really pleased it seems a good idea. It took me a while to see the connection too. It’s about staying in the dynamic isn’t it? You don’t want to red and come out completely but sometimes we need a little space to reset. Hugs back. Missy x

  3. Sometimes a blog post is truly resonant with the realities of the lifestyle and also pretty good on the fun creative writing front! As Dd couples we are all work in progress, finding the balance in the face of real life’s challenges. Although the precious secret that we share (Dd works) must always be at the forefront of our mind guiding our behavior, perhaps a little fail on both sides is understandable. Carefully crafted pieces like this mean a lot. I too hate bs flowery menus. As for Friday maintenance, as a Dom, I might assert myself just a little bit more, this week. Just to keep things on an even keel, you understand!

    • Harry –
      Thanks for commenting and I like your words. And yes, I suspect (and will understand) of Maintenance is a bit “more” this week. 😉

  4. I know I’m late to the party, but I will say congrats to figuring it all out. I won’t repeat what others said, I will just add a cautionary tale ( in hopes that I don’t seem like a Debbie Downer in the process).

    D/s does work, until it doesn’t, then it does again. Often it trains us to see ourselves and who we were in the past, how we worked (or didn’t work) things out before. That is when it works! Unfortunately there are these nasty things called emotions that can cloud everything! I often see subs (including myself) stuff things down because perhaps it isn’t worth it to mention, or we believe it is the correct behaviour to have, to just follow, or even that our Doms will pick up on it through our demeanor. Sometimes it is important to let things play out and not have a comment on everything- especially when this dynamic is new. But as time goes on, I discovered that it is equally as important for me to discuss things that pop into my head when I know it is bothering me ( finding a real and sincere balance between the two is such a challenge of mine- even years in- or probably because we are years in…expectations can become far greater as can disappointments). I have personally found that sharing that initial burst of emotions out in a more controlled environment versus after allowing it to brew or fester results in a better outcome- a messy journey but better result with quicker resolution.

    I usually use the analogy of a pimple- gross but effective. If tended to and allowed to open gently, say via a hot wash cloth versus popping it when it is a huge white head, there is far less pain and less chance of scarring. You see I’ve also discovered that my outbursts come back to haunt our dynamic even years later- B may second guess a judgment or reaction leading to inaction due to a situation I thought had a positive outcome in the end. They too go through some processes and at times don’t see the same positives in the long run ( or as I like to dismissively refer to it as ‘rewriting history’ LOL).

    Anyway I wanted you to know that regardless of how many years, a couple has been doing this thing we do, we all end up where you were from time to time. As I said earlier, expectations of behaviour tend to become greater, both in each other and also in ourselves. Often the thinner our walls become the more hair trigger our emotions become as well. Don’t get me wrong, D/s for us was the right choice, though often over the years I have had moments of doubt, but it isn’t an easy or clear path once stepped on. That doesn’t however mean that we don’t have bad days, weeks, or yes even months in some cases. Some days one foot in front of the other is the best a couple can do, and that is okay. So if you find yourself here again, please remember that. And if you find yourself here again and it ends differently, try to remember it is a process and a long one at that.

    But today we do celebrate that it worked out! And next time maybe you’ll avoid some of the messiness by feeling comfortable to mention to David that you don’t feel up to doing something and give him the reasons why. Not to change his mind but so he can understand your demeanor during the evening. Maybe he would have given you something else to focus on while you were out- like a sore ass. LOL..


    • Willie – your wisdom is appreciated. Saying “Ds does work, until it doesn’t, then It does again” is the best. And words to remember. And exactly how it’s going with us. I didn’t mean to wait to respond, but I needed to focus elsewhere and now I can see how wise your advice has been. Thank you!

Leave a Reply