143 – Intentional Dependence

This post was made awhile ago. i woke up today to find it in my “drafts” instead of the “posts”. So…. one more technical problem. Sorry! But now that it has happened twice, i know what the problem is… i just have to determine how to fix it.


The last post (#142 Toughest Part) ended with me posing this question, also from a reader who emailed me…….

Why would i want to be dependent on my husband and how does he take on this responsibility without effectively having to become my parent?

This is a great question. It happens to be two questions wrapped into one. i think the first part (why would i want to be [that] dependent on my husband) is about me, but the second part (Responsibility….Without him having to become my parent) is about him.

The first part…. about ME.

(i like talking about ME! But don’t think i am that arrogant. It’s mostly because i know who i am. Whereas when i talk about others, i have to speculate about their intentions or thoughts. So it’s just easier to talk about me!)

Dependent upon my husband….. i happen to think every good marriage should be this way! Dependent upon one another. D/s or not!

If you don’t depend on one another, you don’t meld and bond. Like how a welder makes two things become one. The bond is stronger after he/she welds them together.

My nephew took a welding class in high school as an elective. When they had a project, the pass/fail test was to drop the “thing” on the floor. If it broke apart, it didn’t result in a good grade. If it stayed together, it was a passing grade. And how well it stayed together, fully or partially, determined how good the grade ultimately was.

Isn’t a marriage that way? If it falls and breaks, it is bound to fail. But if it falls, but holds together, that’s a sign of success! The key though isn’t to focus on the falling part, but the bond that holds it together in the first place. The stronger the bond, the stronger the two pieces welded together…. and a marriage too.

Which ultimately means…… when the two things depend upon one another they form a bond that is actually stronger together than apart. So from a submissive standpoint, i’d actually say being dependent upon my husband is critical and vice versa too.

Now that’s the result of being dependent… a stronger bond. But what dependence means is giving up control. Giving up the ability to say what i want, when i want, to whom i want. And not just speaking, but doing also.

It does NOT mean though that i am some robot and my remote control is in his hands. i still very much think on my own and make decisions! It just means i gain approval and authority for “big stuff” (or anything we previously agreed would be in his purview) before moving forward with my plan.

For example, i know that David loves to cook and he loves me to be home by 6 for dinner. If i want to go out to happy hour/dinner with friends, i have to ask first. But it’s not like he will (probably) say no. i mostly ask out of courtesy and respect. What if he already planned dinner, went to the store for the necessities, and had it half cooked when i just “announced” i wasn’t going to be home for dinner at all? That’s just rude. And inconsiderate. So…. i ask permission first rather than telling him. And when i ask, i am fully aware the answer may be “no.” And if it is no, i tell my co-workers that i’m not able to attend. i don’t have to give an explanation as to “why”, but if i do say why, it’s never derogatory about or towards David. i never say things like, “He won’t allow me to go.”

So ultimately why i want to be dependent upon him, is because i want to meld together with my husband that ultimately builds a stronger bond.

Which makes ME think the opposite… why wouldnt you want to be dependent upon your spouse?

And that brings me to the second part…. how does he take on this responsibility without effectively having to become my parent?

We are each our own person. He is not “responsible” for me, i am! i am still responsible to dress, eat, work, abide by laws, and … well…. be responsible for me.

He is, however, the guiding light. He is the one to make final decisions. He is the one who should be in charge.

So he is not my parent, but rather the “head of household”. Just like there is one chief of the Indians, one Queen of the Royal Family, one President of the United States, and so on… there is but one Head of Household. And that’s not me. And i readily accepted my “second” in command as Vice President or Second in command.

We work best when only one of us are making decisions, and the other is following.

So ultimately he is not a parent to me anymore than the President is my parent. And yet, the President makes decisions and signs into law things that i abide by.

The difference between David and the President is David makes decisions that have a direct, literal, and VERY close-to-my-heart impact.

Now all that said, David does sometimes slip, not lead, or not be responsible. Because he’s sick, tired, worn out, or… stressed and depressed. No one acts the exact same way every day. And…. it’s ok.

But admittedly those are the times when our house doesn’t run as smoothly. We tend to have more troubles in our marriage and life when he is “off” than when he is “on.”

But…. that’s when we have to communicate even more, i have to try even more to be the best submissive i can be, and to be patient to get through those times as smoothly as possible.

And trust in our melded …. and welded…. marriage and lifestyle.




  1. This is such a great post! I always say that my husband and I have a “healthy co-dependency!” I do depend on him and my submission to him to keep me in line with the values I hold dear, and he depends on me to lift him up as a leader.

  2. I do love analogies!

    I suppose we could be seeing this the same way, but expressing it differently, but I do not see myself as dependent on my husband. I mean anymore than any other partnership is reliant on their partner. I will say that I am dependent on my dynamic, which includes active involvement from my husband/Dominant.

    I think when many ( who do not live this or are newer to this dynamic) ask the questions that include some version of being ‘dependent’ on their Dominant it comes from a place of not quite understanding, and placing a negative connotation on the meaning of the word.

    I am, as I said, dependent on this dynamic. It helps me keep my mind and heartset where I need them to be. Our dynamic was never really about accountability. It has been based on cultivating an environment where I feel safe and secure in being my authentic self. The D/s dynamic provides tools ( expectations, rules, exercises etc…) to exchange power and by doing so I remain unguarded ( on a good day LOL) and free. So in that sense I depend on my husband to be an active Dominant, not a service or passive Dominant. But as you and Valerie have said, he depends on me as well, because without an active submissive, there truly is no Dominant.

    I view our roles as more symbiotic than dependent if the true be told.

    As far as being treated like a child?- Children obey or face consequences, and of that they have no choice in the matter. We submit and do so of our own free will. So while I can appreciate how some would confuse the same action ( say writing lines) as the same overall vibe, it truly isn’t. Rules and expectations I follow of B’s are a promise I have made. If I break that promise, there are consequences. I am an adult with the knowledge of this before hand ( just sometimes flies out the window when I’m hurt/angry/frustrated). To me it isn’t much different than getting a ticket for breaking the law, except I’m not just embarrassed (not that I’ve actually had a ticket) I feel remorse because I have broken a promise to someone I respect and love.

    • Love all your thoughts. I contemplated your words of dependent upon the dynamic. I suppose that is true for me as well, but for me, I am ultimately still dependent upon my husband too. (Otherwise, I think I could have this dynamic with anyone, but it is my husband who gets me to the best submissive place and where I want to submit to him too)


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