Change is hard. No one likes it. It is a big, mean, scary monster that rears its ugly head every so often and we don’t like it.
But what if you heard the words, “Process Improvement,”……….. would that make it less big, mean, or scary? Would you be able to embrace it better?
Think about it, no one C-H-A-N-G-E-S anything for the express purpose of making it worse. We make changes trying to make things better. While the old adage of, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” is generally true….. sometimes it can still be improved. Maybe a fix isn’t what is needed, but improvement might be.
THIS is what i would say is happening in my marriage right now. We are doing “Process Improvement.” Nothing too major, and we aren’t fixing what ain’t broke, but we are tweaking things. We are improving things.
So we aren’t abandoning any of our old ways, lifestyle, or DD. We are just improving it.
i told you that November is historically a bad month for us. We fight in November probably more than all the other months combined! i don’t even think David realizes that the month on the calendar ….. November …. is the common denominator. But i do.
This past week, i set out to C-H-A-N-G-E things. Or … said in a nicer, more palatable way…. to IMPROVE things.
One thing i realized was that we were both feeling under-appreciated. And as such, we wanted the other to DO something to or for the other to make it better. (We both wanted the other to C-H-A-N-G-E!)
i decided to stop waiting to be the one to receive it, and to be the one to give it. (Tis better to give than to receive… right?… okay, that’s the saying for December, and we are still in THANKFUL November… so back to NOVEMBER…)
Ya know though, the funny thing about giving is that typically you do indeed end up receiving. What goes around, comes around. Give out the good and the good comes back to you.
It started with me making a spontaneous breakfast for both David and i on Thursday. On Friday, i texted him saying, “I was just thinking about you. I hope your day is good. I love you.” Nothing big at all, and certainly not expensive, but still meaningful.
And on Saturday, he asked me to go out and play golf with him. Now this may sound minor, it was actually HUGE….. because he plays EVERY Saturday with the guy friends and he/i play on (some) Sunday afternoons.
i said, “Aren’t you playing with the guys?”
And he said, “The weather is going to be perfect and I thought it would be nice to play with you.”
He chose me over all the other men on a Saturday.
There was NO way i was saying no! So we went to play. And the weather was amazing and we enjoyed the day together. And we both played good too (an added bonus!)
And when we got home he said, “We haven’t done maintenance in several weeks. Don’t you think it’s needed?”
Now i know maintenance spankings work. And i know it probably was needed. But i don’t actually like being spanked. i like giving up control, knowing i submit to my husband, and knowing how well it works. But i don’t like the actual spanking itself.
So i was immediately annoyed.
i was thinking, “why ruin a perfectly good day with that? Besides, i am in the middle of doing something else now too.”
i was thinking of the loophole here too.
He didn’t say we had to do it right NOW. In fact, he asked me about it. He didn’t tell me to go assume the position even!?!?
He saw me roll my eyes and asked about it. He said, “what are you thinking?” i spoke my mind and told him all the things in my head.
He tilted his head and said, “You know what I meant.” And i did. He was right. i just didn’t like or want it at that moment.
So i got up and went to the bedroom. He followed me. He got out the paddle and stood at the end of the bed.
And he watched me undress. While i have undressed and/or been naked in front of him 1,000+ times in our marriage, when you do it while someone is staring at you, with a paddle in their hand, waiting on you…. it’s a bit humiliating and intimidating.
And maybe it is supposed to be that way.
Because in that fine razor point moment, i dropped the attitude and showed the submissive heart that i needed (and ultimately wanted) to too.
And i was spanked. For the first time in several weeks…. maybe in all of November even.
Afterward, we sat and talked a bit about all the fighting and even the bickering we had had lately. (And it hurt to sit on my red bottom then!). We talked about ways to avoid the fights in the future.
At Missy’s advice, i suggested we implement the red light system for fights in the same way we have it for discipline. Green is all good to go, yellow is slow it down as this is not going in the right direction, and red is stop right now. This system can, and hopefully will, be used by both of us to not have disagreements escalate in the first place.
But we also talked about times when we get mad anyway. When he is getting mad at me because of things i am saying (or yelling) what to do then. Because he doesn’t want to ever spank when he’s mad (because he may lose control at that point), we agreed he would tell me to go stand in the corner until i calm down enough to speak my words without the negative tone. Or he will tell me to write out what i have to say on paper, where he will read it and determine a response. Both of these cause me to take a pause and to reflect further before spewing anger everywhere.
And if i am just so mad (and stubborn) that i refuse to do these things, then he will flat out ignore me until i calm down. At which time, i will go assume the spanking position and prepare for a bad punishment. i will not be punished for what i wanted or was trying to say (aka: what i was mad about), but rather for failure to submit to the directive of standing in the corner or writing it out calmly. And then after that, we will also deal with “the issue” at hand causing the anger in the first place.
He agreed these were all smarter ways to deal with our anger than what we have been doing in the month of November.
So…. we are tweaking things. Making changes… or rather… Process Improvements!
i am encouraged… and THANKFUL…. For so many wonderful, things in my life…. including my best friend, head of house, and dominant husband to whom i submit to.
Next time you think about C-H-A-N-G-E, think about it positively with the notion that things are just I-M-P-R-O-V-I-N-G… and embrace it! It just might come full circle where the good you put out, comes back to you 10-fold greater!