230 – Sir. SIR. SIR! And….. S-I-R!

Sometimes rules must be tailored to be a good fit for our relationship. Sometimes the fit is just perfect, but needs to be refreshed.

Saying “Sir” is one of those things for us! It is absolutely something that fits, but it is in need of refreshment.

Yet, somehow, over the years i have not always said it, nor has David always expected it. Or maybe he has always expected it, but never enforced it. i’m not entirely sure which.

Let me go back a minute and remind you (and myself) why i say Sir at all anyway…..

When i decided to look up the word’s definition, i found this:

Do you see the first sentence there? Used as a “respectful way of addressing a man, especially one in a position of authority.”

Sir is a term used a fair bit in the bdsm and d/s lifestyles and is used to refer to one’s dominant. The term is used to reference the power exchange, or imbalance as some would say, and it is there as well to denote a level of respect.

David is absolutely in a position of authority in my life. And he has every bit of power in our relationship. As well, i have said before there are times where i need to have a physical or tangible reminder of my submission (and his dominance). When i speak the word “Sir” it is a verbal word that also serves as a reminder for myself. So it seems that the word SIR is applicable in every way!

Me saying Sir has not been a new thing for us either. Saying Sir has been a thing for a longggggg time now. It was one of the first things we negotiated and one of the first things i ever wrote about.

Unfortunately though, when something isn’t spoken aloud (or enforced), it’s hard to know if the other even cares about it. And if it doesn’t seem important, pretty soon the habit is dropped. And pretty soon after that, it becomes a non-event altogether. i’d say this is true of anything in life really.

Anytime something isn’t practiced, it’s forgotten, which is pretty much the source of the phrase “use it or lose it.” You could pretty much say i lost it…. The muscle memory to say “Sir” has not been too much of a thing for us as of late.

Oh i have said it. Just not frequently. i have said it when i felt like it, but i wouldn’t say it was altogether frequently either. i have used it more like a treat or an extra special event. He hasn’t brought attention to its use or rather i should say lack of it’s use is more like it!

But that is changing now. The last couple of days, he has absolutely let me know in a passive-aggressive way but meant to make an impression all the same too, that saying SIR is something i should be doing far more than ithat have been.

Like today, he asked me a question and i just said, “no”. To which he said, “No….. what?!” and of course i knew he wanted the “Sir” and i spoke it aloud immediately.

And yesterday after i thanked him for helping me with something, he said, “want to say that properly?”

So i said, “thank you Sir.”

While he hasn’t exactly said that what i say (without Sir) was wrong, through that passive-aggressive way he’s now used, i know he thinks it is an incomplete response too.

The opposite has been true though too. When i get it right (and use the word Sir), he has made no comment about it, doesn’t praise it, or otherwise really make mention of it.

i think that’s because it is expected. Like anything expected, it doesn’t give rise to an occasion worthy of mention. For example, taking a shower or getting dressed or going to work or cooking dinner. Those are all normal activities. Those activities aren’t things that are specifically talked about or praised. Can you imagine saying, “oh good girl! You went to work today!” ? Uhm… no.

Using the same thought process, Sir has not said anything like, “oh wonderful Marie, you used the word Sir.” it just hasn’t been talked about.

Unfortunately i mistakenly assumed his lack of discussion about it as indication that it did not matter to him. Of course, his lack of punishment for NOT using it seemed to also give indication that he didn’t care about its use either. But again, i mistakenly assumed he did not care.

Today though, when he corrected me, i decided to ask about it. i told him much of what I have said here. i specifically said that i didn’t think he cared (anymore) about it as he hadn’t said anything about it until (of course) the most recent days.

To which he responded with one sentence, “The next time I have to correct you, your butt will feel it.”

“Yes SIR. Understood SIR.”

So while it may have been along time ago now that he first told me to use it, the applicability is still very much appropriate!

And because I never took exception to it in the first place, but rather simply grew lazy about it, i will use it frequently again as i have NO desire to feel the cane anytime too soon… or even later!

Of course, easier said than done. As even this first day has moved onward, David asked me to help in the kitchen and i said, “ok” and forgot the word S-I-R. i am fairly sure he didn’t hear me respond though, so i was “safe” for now. But i really have to stay in the moment for awhile and be intentional about this… at least until it becomes a regular thing again and the muscle memory is committed to memory again!




  1. I know what you mean in terms of things not being reinforced and becoming expectations and I find myself feeling like doing them less too if that happens. It is good that you had the discussion and that your focus is not back on using the appropriate term. Missy x

    • Missy – I always value your comments as I see you as a mentor! (So thank you!). I am also glad I spoke up and asked David about it before it got out of hand and/or landed me in (unknowing) trouble. Marie

  2. I guess I am like David in a way. I told my wife she is required to address me as sir a long long time ago but she is terribly inconsistent. Maybe (no, definitely) I need to address this issue with her over my lap.
    BTW it sounds like that caning the other day instilled considerable confirmation in you that David has the authority in your home and you are both willing and expected.to respond to that authority as he requires.
    Hmmmmmmm maybe my wife would learn appropriate response to authority if a cane was applied to her deserving bottom.
    A Very Good Post. Thank you for sharing. I love your insights and instructional anecdotes. Thanx again!

    • Jerry – thank you for the comments. I agree with everything you said, except for the “as he requires” part. While he does have the authority, he makes a point to ensure that I do it willingly and not that I am required to submit. He’s big on consent. :).

      I wonder if now you’ve caned your wife and-or talked about “Sir” also!

      • Consent is important and I didn’t word that very well.

        Wife is out of town this week but we discussed the Sir issue by phone . She had agreed to use the title Sir long ago andhas renewed that commitment numerous times.but had become very inconsistent. I think it’s time she live up to her promise. The promise of a caning got her attention and I think she will follow through at least for a while before I have to cane her.

        Thanx again for the post and reply

  3. Honorifics like “sir” or “ma’am” seem SOOOOO dreadfully important early on and seem so unnecessary after doing this for a decade or two. If it’s important to you now, do it. If it’s not, don’t sweat it. The dynamic is more important than the little stuff that decorates it. And to me, “sir” or “ma’am” seems way more evocative of scene-related BDSM-play than real life DD.

    • Not for me KD, I think that it is just a reinforcement of both parties place in the relationship. I like to call my wife Ma’am or Mistress when possible and I believe that she likes to hear it. It is just another way of confirming who is the boss (either at an instant in time or more generally).

      • That’s cool if you both like it, but I am curious as to how long you’ve been using the term? Like in years? Also where do you use it and where do you not use it? Like do you have kids and say it in front of them? Do you say it at family gatherings?

        I mean I’ll say it occasionally too, but at this point for us it’s almost more of a joke than serious. However, our dynamic is pretty well understood and taken seriously and we’ve been at this for well over a decade now. And as for living the lifestyle itself? I’ve been at that for over 40 years. Superfluous stuff that seemed SO important when I was starting out just doesn’t matter that much nowadays.

        I guess for me it’s like when kinky people like to dress up for punishment sessions. OK if that’s your thing, but certainly more evocative of roleplay than an actual fluid dynamic with an inherent power imbalance for me. But if there’s anything that’s certain, it’s that the couples living this way are all different in some ways. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

      • KD – I can’t answer for Jerry or Merk with regards to what settings they use it, but I can answer for me. 🙂 lol.

        Living in Texas, it’s fairly common to hear the word Sir or Ma’am in every day life. I’ve heard it said to me in the grocery store, at work, or in family settings. And I’ve used it the same too.
        Here’s a real life example of when it was said to me recently … I was in a meeting with a client at work. He is about 70-years old and I’m 50, so I’m younger than he is. (Pointing out age because it wasn’t said to me as a sign of my age). I answered his questions and he was grateful. As we were ending the meeting, he stood and shook my hand and said, “Thank you Ma’am for all your help.”

        So it’s a common word heard when respect (and thanks) are expressed from the lesser to the more in control/authority person in my area.

        Growing up, I was told to say it in “any response to someone older than me.” So I was to say it a LOT to aunts/uncles/ grandparents, teachers, my parent’s and their friends. But until this dynamic with David, I never said it to someone my age or younger.

        So …. I have used the word Sir in everyday life for 3-years now in this dynamic with David. I’ve said it around our son, our extended family, in a store/restaurant, etc. Won’t lie that on occasion, and if someone were to really notice/pay attention, they may see I use it more than just “showing occasional respect.” And of course now that David has made it clear he wants to hear it more, I’ll be saying it a lot more for sure too. :).

        But I do still agree with what you said before too, that the dynamic is what ultimately matters. But in my dynamic with David, it’s his desire and I,portent to him… so.. it’s important to me now too. 🙂 Marie

    • I can agree with this. I will say, that it seems to be quite important to David, so now it will be more important to me too. :). But in the end, the dynamic is indeed what matters most! Marie

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