106 – Sometimes Submission Hurts.

More backstory…..About the Worst Spanking Everrrrr.

i heard your concern. And i truly love all of you for feeling comfortable enough to express yourself.

But i think maybe i need to share more with you about what led up to The Worst Spanking Everrrr too. Because context is everything and frankly, i just am not sure i have given you enough.

i always debate how much backstory to give, how much is enough or not enough. i always worry i will bore you (and me too!!) with all these unnecessary tedious details. So sometimes, and this may have been one of those times, some of the details are NOT unnecessary and NOT tedious …. so here goes…..

Did you happen to notice i didn’t give you a lot of info about our vacation? YES it went well. YES what i said was true. i just didn’t go into a lot of detail either……until now…..

Soooo while we stayed in someone else’s house and with our son there too, we knew the discipline would be nonexistent. And i also knew from prior experiences that while David TALKS a lot about keeping a list, tracking the transgressions, making amends upon return…. he almost never follows through.

And i knew it. So every time something happened on vacation that i didn’t like or agree with, i told him. Quite plainly. Quite intentionally. Quite literally….. to test him.

Ok, so that last bit….. testing him….. that was raw and it hurt to type it. i wish i hadn’t said some of the things i did while on vacation. And i was MUCH more bold at the start than at the end. But what’s done is done!

At the start of the week, i was bold and proud and stated what i wanted to in any way i wanted! And he would say, “watch it” and i said “ok”. And he’d say, “I mean it!” And i’d say, “Yes Sir.” But it didn’t deter me. Not really anyway.

This pattern of “edgy – not-so-submissive” attitude and behavior continued. i knew i was playing with fire, but like a fire…. i expected it would eventually flame out and by the time we were home, it would be nothing more than ash.

Since i haven’t given you even one example of what i’m talking about, let me give you one now….

And i was reminded of this particular one because of the word “fire”…….

The people’s home that we stayed in had an outdoor hot tub and fire pit next to one another. We went and got stuff to make s’mores. And i asked David to find out about how to start the fire pit (gas, logs, etc). But he didn’t. And the next day, i said, “we want to do this and you should see about asking today!” He (again) warned me to watch the tone. And i said, “ok.”

Later that day, he started the fire and told us. But our son and i were playing a board game at the time (that easily could have been paused!) and i just said, “ok, we will finish this first.”

And he said, “The fire will go out soon if you don’t get out here and do this.”

i responded, “well fine then!” (In a sarcastic tone). And we went outside.

Then after s’mores, he cleaned up all the remnants (wrappers, extra supplies), and put out the fire while we got in the hot tub. i don’t remember even thanking him, and being honest, i was wondering why he was taking the time to get water and douse the fire logs to put out the fire (100%). i thought it unnecessary since the fire pit was a brick/stand alone put and it seemed a waste of time. ………. (Never mind the fact that “IF” it was needed and NOT done, the whole house could’ve burned down! So the real risk was NOT putting out the entire fire, compared to taking a few trips to get cups of water to fully extinguish the flames.)

Just to put a bit of “good” in this post…. here’s a picture of the sunset view we had that night…. from the hot tub…… (isn’t it absolutely beautiful????)

Now i know that wasn’t such a “terrible” situation but it wasn’t anywhere near “great” either. i was sassy and showed no respect for David. Equally, i also didn’t even appreciate the fact that he not only asked (the homeowners) about the fire …. but he actually went and started it too! And then put it out. And then allowed me and our son to sit and relax in the hot tub too.

And after that attitude and behavior are repeated over and over …. all week long…… it adds up.

And again, i was more or less … testing him. But again, i didn’t figure the Fire would be even be a lit when we were home, so i gave no concern!

Like before, with my previous Post, i guess i haven’t still given you a bunch of examples or specifics. But like before too, i don’t know if all that is necessary or not. If you think it IS necessary to have those details, go ahead and ask!

Then when we were leaving the airport to head home in our vehicle, it seemed David was driving unnecessarily aggressive. i think he was just ready to be home. So i said, “we aren’t in a rush. You need to slow down. This is aggressive driving and not necessary.”

He just glared at me at me and said, “quite enough!”

So i didn’t exactly slip back to submissive ways upon arriving back home! And while what i observed about his driving was indeed true, i didn’t say it at all kind! And our son heard it too. So i didn’t set any sort of positive/good example either!

And just like that… We were home….. and no punishment happened.

It seemed i was right…. the fire had died and only the ash remained. As usual. Per always. No big deal.

There’s NO burn from just ash!

Except it was….. A big deal…..To Me! i didn’t think that’s how it should go. If he isn’t going to follow through, then why waste the breath to say the words? Why even start the fire?? And if you are, then just use that breath to blow it out right then and there!?!

Then you come to yesterday…….

i have told David in (a few) words here and there that i don’t want all the golf lessons. But not very directly or clearly.

i went out to the course with an attitude. i knew it when i got in the car! And it showed itself when i was warming up. And he warned me then.

If you remember, that was when he said he’d take me to the woods and spank me then and there. And i called his bluff. i knew he wouldn’t do it! And i told him so!

So when i blamed him on the course for me having a bad putt…. and he KNEW that i knew to watch the tone and attitude and he had ALREADY WARNED ME!

THAT was when he got angry. And THAT was when he took action. And THAT was when he told me to walk home.

Now ….. i feel like you need a bit of my backstory/thoughts on this too……

We have a LONG history of getting mad at one another and leaving/walking away. Instead of me just doing it (or him just doing it), this time he tested me. i had tested him for over a week and now he was testing me.

He wanted to see how stubborn i was going to be. OR would i submit. Would i actually listen!?!

Additionally, i asked him to help me get into shape and Exercise. And what he didn’t tell me was that he planned all along to quit playing golf longgggg before i was home and to pick me up. Because he wasn’t having any fun at that point either. But he didn’t tell me that…. because again, it was a test. For me. To see what level of difficulty or attitude he was really dealing with. But in the meantime, i would walk (a bit!) and get the exercise i would get anyway.

And when he picked me up, the part i didn’t tell you before…. because i truly never know what detail(s) are enough, too much, just right……

i didn’t jump in the car immediately. He drove beside me and stopped. And i kept walking. He moved up and stopped. And that’s when he said, “Are you getting in?”

And i gave the biggest smart ass answer of all. i said, “i dunno. You haven’t given me permission to get in!”

That’s when he got Reallyyyyy angry. He said, “get in the car now or you will be walking all the way home!”

But it took my own self-talk of, “don’t be stubborn. Just get in the damn car!” To actually get me in the car. So i did.

By the time we got home…. ALL of these things had piled up between us. And neither of us had to speak because we both were angry. We both knew that the way i have been acting is inappropriate.

The fire was NOT just ash… it was flaming high! And my bottom was about to touch it!

He has NO problem listening to me speak …. when i do it in the right way. But the way i’ve been doing it poorly for 10-days now. Even i know, it wasn’t respectful or kind….. and most definitely not submissive!

So maybe that helps you to understand WHY i never saw any of this as extreme. It was overdue actually. It was necessary actions by him that were brought on by me.

SOMETIMES SUBMISSION HURTS.

Sometimes it is not so glamorous. And the pain is real. But submissiveness, in our house, isn’t JUST erotic and sexy. Sometimes it is, but sometimes… it’s not. And it isn’t just INSIDE our house either. But that’s how i’ve acted about it. That’s how i’ve treated it lately especially.

So sometimes, my mind needs a reset by causing my ass to be sore.

And that’s when submission can truly hurt! My ass is still sore but my attitude is infinitely better!

Even so…. i am OK! In fact, i’m better than ok!

And when i played with the Fire…. i got burned. A real butt-burner indeed!

Hugs,

Marie

7 comments

  1. Thank you for the back story. ♥ I know my approval is totally unnecessary, but this helps me see the full picture and understand WHY this would be acceptable to you… and him.

    The more I read your blog, Marie, the more I see you have a tendency to brat. At least it looks that way from the outside I do, too!!!! Bratting isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Daddy happens to love it about me. I test the limits and see how far I can push. It’s part of how we related to one another in our D/s dynamic. I had another dom before Daddy that would get REALLY frustrated and angry at me for the exact same behavior. Bratting for many is to get the punishment and see what point the Dom will actually enforce the rules. 🙂 Punishment in any form is totally ineffective with me, so I don’t push to that point… but so many do. I might suggest that you really look into the bratting dynamic and see if it fits for you. Knowing your submissive style is really important. If you do see bratting as part of your style that’s a great conversation to have with David. Training or punishing the brat out of a submissive isn’t effective. It’s killing a part of your personality and how one relates to another. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Succulent – Thank you for your comment here. Believe it or not, I do like and appreciate having your approval.

      I’ve never thought much about being a brat. I understand it in theory, but not in detail. I suppose I need to take the time now to investigate and learn more.

      Thank you for your words and comments. ❤️
      Marie

      Liked by 2 people

      • You’re ever so welcome, dear!!!! ♥ I wish I had a really good resource to send you to. I learned more about brats simply by being one and having others identify it for me. Fetlife is a good resource. The forums are pretty good most of the time. Talk to others, ask questions. For me, bratting is about teasing and having fun. Just how many times can I tickle that spot he hates before he makes me stop? I don’t like punishment, so I don’t push for those particular boundaries. Bratting is also a test of boundaries, knowing that I’m cared about no matter what and that I can only go so far. I’m not mean spirited in bratting. There’s a line between bratting, being manipulative and topping from the bottom. I think it’s mostly in the intentions behind the actions. Happy exploring!! ♥

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I just came across your blog today and I have to be honest, it made me giggle.
    You remind me of me, I would do exactly the same.
    Now I’m submissive to 3 Dom’s, Master, Miss Adira and my Daddy.
    Master sounds like your hubby, he may threaten but rarely follows through.
    Daddy is 50/50, sometimes he will remember.
    Miss Adira however, remembers everything, you cannot get away with anything.
    Plus I certainly watch how I speak to her, compared to how I speak to the boys.
    Now I’m a bit of a spanko detail kinda girl, so would love to know what the punishment was, what he used, and how it felt.
    But only if you don’t mind sharing x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Dayliacatt. Thanks for your comments. That’s a lot of submission to 3 dominants! I have to wonder how you manage with that. And I have a lot of questions too, mostly, how do you have enough time in the day to serve so many (well)? 😊
      David does follow through with discipline, especially after i send him over the edge. That “ok, That’s it!” moment that you then think, “ut oh… I’ve done it now!”. That’s when he definitely does.
      Almost always my discipline spankings come via the paddle. While we have other implements, David prefers the paddle.
      Thanks! Marie

      Like

  3. Do you think it’s necessary or helpful for others to label or categorize your behavior? I don’t think that it is. In fact, I hate when anyone other than my Sir does that. Actually, it doesn’t go well when he does it either. It has seemed obvious that people that have decided to label my behavior are doing it to imply that I am a terrible sub and that messes with my self esteem.

    I don’t have the courage to keep testing and so threats from my Sir often work, I see that threats don’t work on you very well. It’s understandable if they often don’t become reality. I was kind of hoping that he’d rise up to the challenge, because I saw those behaviors as blatant challenges. 😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Agree. 100%. I like the label suggestions… as it gives me more to think about. But sometimes it can serve to make me think my submission is somehow “less”. That’s when I hear the label, research, decide to keep or discard…. and move on, 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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