Sometimes you learn exactly what you are, and exactly how to act, and exactly why you do what you do. And sometimes that happens all on your own.
That’s what’s happened to me.
While i have been incredibly happy to submit, for years now, i know that David has not always been so receptive. In fact, sometimes if it weren’t for me FORCING our relationship into the box i wanted it to be (one of D/s or DD), D/s wouldn’t be a thing for us.
Don’t misunderstand, he has loved my submissiveness. He just hasn’t always liked the Dominant role i thrust him into.
In times where i have been absent from this blog is primarily the same times that i have given up on the whole idea and thought, “This is dumb!” The “Whole idea” being both about D/s AND this blog.
In times where we have been spot-on and doing/living the D/s dynamic, we are great. We are alive with newness and excitement, and we never fight. Because we don’t need to fight. Because we are exactly aligned. Which is exactly why i love the dynamic and living it too.
But if it’s forced, it’s not good.
i decided with the new year for 2022, i just wouldn’t. i wouldn’t fight for it or force it or try to make it to happen in any way. i haven’t pressured David to do what HE doesn’t want to, or that HE didn’t initiate.
While we’ve had a good 2022 in these many months, it’s been almost exclusively with a vanilla/normal relationship. It was as if the D/s dynamic just faded away until its just nothing more than a memory to talk about in a nostalgic way… like “remember when we used to….” type way.
The fact he doesn’t ever bring it up or talk about it, let alone act on it, and has told me that he’s just not that into it. So i have let it drop. Mostly.
It saddens me to NOT have it, but it is what it is. i can’t be submissive and force him to be a Dominate at the same time. He isn’t a puppet to just merely act the part that i have written the script for.
But i know who i am. And i am submissive.
i have tried to pretend its not me, that it’s not who i am. i have tried to forget about it too, and act “normal”. But. i can’t. i can’t forget. And i realize MY normal is being a submissive.
i have come to realize all this all on my own. i can’t change him into what i want. He has to want it. But likewise, he can’t change me into what he wants me to be either.
What i know without a doubt = i am His submissive.
And i have decided to start acting it more than talking about it. i have also decided to stop trying to force him to act like he’s my Dom too. If or when he wants to, he will have an open door.
i decided to tell him all this today, much in the same way i just told you. i think it surprised him as i think he has assumed i was over it. i think he thought it was a fad for me. And now that we haven’t done it (lived or forced it to happen) for many months now, it was a long-ago-forgotten memory.
i don’t know what this means or how it will play out exactly. But what i do know is that he’s always been and always will be my Sir. And i will acknowledge and show him the respect that entails for as long as i live.
Maybe one day he will want to be my Dom all on his own too. In the meantime, i won’t force it, demand it, or try to just get it to happen. i will be the submissive wife i have proclaimed to be. And let the rest all be what it will be.
i don’t know what that means for this blog either. i will probably be here telling you about me and my side of the story, but … that’s pretty much what i have already done for more than 2-years too! So … probably no real changes there. Ha!
For the first time ever though, i am going to absolutely refuse to top-from-the-bottom now…. i always knew i was kind of doing this, but now i know it’s not ok.
i will say prayers that David decides to be my Dominant Husband, and not just my Vanilla Husband. But either way, i will be his submissive.