Skip to main content

Tag: husband in control

156 – The Big NO-NO!

Written by Marie on . Posted in My Dominant Sir. No Comments on 156 – The Big NO-NO!

In DD or D/s relationships, there aren’t many “official” rules…. it’s what you make it. But just like a traditional relationship, there are a few unwritten rules that are generally followed by most people in the practice too.

And if or when you break a Cardinal Rule, and you blog about it, you should fully expect to be called out on it too. (Ok, so maybe the blogging and being called out part is just applicable to me….. and i am A-ok with that!)

What is this big No-No i am speaking specifically about?

TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM. Or said more plainly, telling your Dominant how to be Dominant. Or even just telling your Dom what to do at all.

Submissives are expected to…. well….. submit. We are NOT in charge. So telling my Sir how or when or what to do is…. a BIG NO-NO!

That is THE Cardinal Rule that David & i talked about yesterday. But we decided to change the rules. We have agreed to intentionally break this rule.

i have permission to TOP FROM THE BOTTOM. For awhile. Temporarily. And just exactly how long? i don’t really know. At this point, i am assuming it will be, “Until told otherwise.”

So we have changed our DD or D/s relationship dynamic to refresh, renew, and update it. For awhile anyway.

There are so many questions running through my head, and maybe yours too… like: why, how will that work, are you still the submissive or are you switching, what is the goal, and and and……. ok, slow down. Let’s take these one at a time……

W-H-Y?

Primarily because we have been in a funk. Our DD just hasn’t been working as intended. It needs a tune-up. Just like anything in life, it works …. until it doesn’t. Take your car for example. It runs well when you keep it well oiled, lubed, maintained. (So talking about oiled and lubed gets me all wet down there.. but i digress!). But the minute you don’t do those things, it falls apart and requires a major overhaul.

That’s about where we’ve been, in need of a major overhaul. And this is our immediate solution.

Additionally, David has known for a very long time that my mind is more creative than his. He is a very straightforward and “what you see is what you get” kinda person. NO, he is NOT dumb or a robot or anything that bad …. he does have a brain and he knows how to use it. But he is a very firm and solid Type A person. Whereas i am a mostly Type A, but also have some Type B creativity also.

So because of my creative mind, over the couple of years of doing DD, i have made many suggestions of things we should do or could implement into our dynamic. (i was the one to ask for this dynamic and to be spanked from the start.). And as such, some have told me, that i TOP FROM THE BOTTOM… and frankly, to an extent, i would agree. But now, i have permission to do it intentionally too!

H-O-W WILL THAT WORK?

So i talked to David about this. i told him i struggle with this. That i struggle in my ability to not tell him how to do his job. And sometimes i feel like i fail (to keep my mouth shut) and/or he fails (to Dominate me effectively)…. which then makes me feel like i fail all over again (to submit to his leadership.. even if i think it’s not quite 100%). Ultimately… it mostly leads to me feeling a lot of failure. And i don’t like that feeling.

i have SO many thoughts in my head about how he can be a better Dom, enforce our Dynamic more, and it would keep us from sliding so far away from how we want to be. And if he did these things, i would submit even more and even better… and we would not have failure or backsliding or fights. Or at least not as much.

i literally said, “But i know i am the submissive and telling my Dom what to do is…. A BIG NO-NO.”

He said, “well, I can see why you feel this way, but remember that ultimately I make the rules and I am now telling you that I want to know more of what is in your head … at least for awhile. I want you to tell me, out loud (not in text), at the moment it applies, how you think I should respond to a situation. I may not do exactly what you say or want me too, because I am ultimately in charge.”

He continued, “But never forget that I am ultimately still your Dom and you will always be my submissive. You are not dominating me, and as such you don’t ever get to discipline me. I am still in control. You can tell me what’s in your head about how you think I should treat or say or discipline you. And I want you to tell me what you think at the time you think it… uncensored. I may just implement your words or thoughts, but I may not. You need to respect that.”

Me: Yes Sir.

W-H-O is the DOM now??

He went on a bit further to say, “I expect your thoughts mostly call for me to be stricter with you. So you should prepare yourself for that inevitable end. I fully expect I will likely implement your ideas at that very moment. And you may not like it.”

Me: “It sounds like i will be switching from submissive to dominant… on myself. I will be co-dominating me with you for a bit.”

(Does this make me the little i or now the Big I? Nah… i will always be the little i…. i know i am a submissive at heart. Just helping my Dom know my limits, know how strict is too strict, how strict isn’t enough? But i won’t be the Big I at all.)

Him: “in a sense that is exactly what will happen. But remember that in the end, I am still your ultimate dominant and your ideas – or switching from sub to Dom – is just that…. an idea. Unless I decide it is something to implement now.”

He then said, “but it will help me to better know what you think would be a good solution to a problem or what your limits truly are.“

W-H-A-T is the ultimate goal?

In essence, we will have a lot better communication. If i am more or less required to tell him how i think, at the time i think it, we will have a lot more communication. David will have a much better understanding of what i think is a successful Dom, and what i will respond to best.

If David knows what i respond to best, he will be a better Dom and i would also be a better submissive.

i am a bit worried though…. will i be creating and molding him into what I want or what he wants? Will my switching lead to me being an island of one? Will I just have a split personality and start submitting to myself? Will he become that robot that i push the buttons and he does as i say?

i don’t think so.

i think we will be better than ever… and always together. But time will tell.

Now i am off to find some sexy Non-blanket-Winter covering to wear to bed! (i have Dom ideas of what he should say to me about this too…. next post!)

Hugs,

Marie

155 – Reflections. Resetting. And Communication is Key.

Written by Marie on . Posted in My Dominant Sir. No Comments on 155 – Reflections. Resetting. And Communication is Key.

In the last post that i wrote about Winter being Hard, i more or less told you how i don’t deal well with the cold… mentally and how it is soooo hard for me to not just live under a blanket! (Good thing i live in Texas and not North Dakota! Or Canada! Or Russia!)

At the same time, i woke up (yesterday) to find another glitch of this site had caused my original post about Intentional Dependence was back in draft and not actually posted. Well, in order to post it again (and see if it was complete or not), i re-read much of that post prior to re-posting it.

It was interesting to reflect on that post about dependence because i had talked about being dependent upon David to make decisions and lead our family….. compared to as of late, we are in a funk and not quite our normal selves. And i realized how far i have slipped away from being “intentionally dependent” upon him to lead us.

And yes, when i talk about our “normal” selves, i am referring to our Domestic Discipline (DD) way of doing things. i am well aware that most people, including many of you reading my blog, do not do DD or have it as part of your normal life. But we do. And when it is used correctly, it works very well for us.

DD includes me being spanked. For both discipline and maintenance. The maintenance is preemptive, while the discipline is responsive. Both ultimately serve to reinforce and remind me that i am not in control. And my role in our marriage is NOT to be in control, but instead to follow. To submit. i don’t like being spanked. What i do like is the control that i give up and the power i pass over, and how anyone willing to submit to being spanked is humbled and having a real display of submissiveness. THAT is what i like.

But when we drift away from our normal ways, we struggle. And we get into disagreements and sometimes flat out… fights. Yet, when we are in our normal ways and doing what we know works, we don’t fight. Because it is clear who makes decisions and who submits… always.

So when i re-read that post about being Intentionally Dependent, one that i wrote when we were on solid daily DD ground, i saw how far from our DD ways we have gotten. In a very short time too! Drifting away from our normal ways sometimes happens without us quite realizing it. Kind of like when you drift along in the warm waves of the ocean. You look up and realize you’ve moved down the beach 50 yards from where you started. You can still see your staked out spot on the beach, but you’ve moved a long way from it too. You recognize where you should be, but you also see how far from it you suddenly moved.

And just like the beach, i can see where we moved to and yet, know we have to work extra hard to move back against the waves and the natural flow of the water to get back to where we want to be. Which can be exhausting really, but failure is not an option. We have to get back to normal to get our marriage back on solid ground and not drifting any which way the wind and waves take us. (Is it a surprise that i am talking about the beach when it is Winter? If i think warm thoughts, maybe i will become warm too!)

So how exactly do we do that….. how do i have “Intentional Dependence”, how is he responsible for me, and how do we get it back?

Well first is obviously looking up to see we are off course and being committed to getting it back.

But for me, part of what makes our DD ways work is the reinforcement. Having David do his part to enforce the rules, enforce the spankings, as well as praise for doing well.

i said in that post that i am still fully responsible for myself… and i am. But there’s a certain amount of responsibility that David has assumed as Head of our Household (HoH) and like the President, there are no days off. You don’t get to say, “today I’m not going to be President and I’ll pass that off to someone else today”, so is the same in our house. David doesn’t get to NOT lead us. And even more, the President gets re-elected (or not) every 4-years, whereas we aren’t changing this ….ever. More like a King or Monarchy, i suppose, that sill reign until death! (Will Queen Elizabeth ever die? Or if she does, will it be before or after Prince Charles? One does wonder about these things…)

So while it’s true, Winter is Hard, it’s not impossible. But when we just want a break from leading… or submitting… what do we do? How do we get it back? How do we get back up the beach to the spot we know we need to be at?

The short answer is… very carefully!

But you have to be willing to try. And if you fail, you try again. And if you can’t succeed even then, you talk about it. Communication is the key to solving so many problems. But you have to be willing to try to do that also!

Soooooooooo…………..

i have been trying to since mid-Nov to turn things around with me and David. And while it’s slow (patience is needed!), i see progress in the right direction!

What has happened lately? (Yeah… i know i haven’t been here much “lately”…. i honestly HAD to focus on me and David and well…. draw back on something and blogging was “it”).

i’ve focused really hard on trying to be the best submissive wife i can possibly be! And NO, i have NOT always succeeded! And yet, even without complete success, the fights (and even disagreements), have sincerely subsided.

i intend to share some of my particularly recent successes AND failures in the next few posts. But i will give you one example here….

This morning after leaving for work, i texted David. i told him, “i should talk in person, but i just couldn’t bear to see your face when i asked, “Do you like being in control?”

His response, “W-H-Y are you asking this?”

My answer, “Because maybe we have fallen away from our DD ways because maybe you don’t really want to be in control.”

His answer, “you are over analyzing things and you need to stop.”

i said, “could you please humor me and answer my question?”

And he said, “YES I do like being in control. You will never dominate me.”

And i said, “ok, let’s talk more in person about how i feel that lately i top from the bottom.”

And we did. We talked tonight.

But i will tell you that part tomorrow…. along with answering what i left open-ended in the Winter Is Hard ending also.

Hugs,

Marie

153 – Happy Birthday to me

Written by Marie on . Posted in Uncategorized. No Comments on 153 – Happy Birthday to me

Today is my birthday.

Here is how i define myself:

– mother – of 1 boy, 16-years old. He’s an amazing son and almost always follows the rules. Just like me!

– Texan – my whole life, through and through.

– overall Conservative beliefs, but truly believe “vote the candidate, not the party”.

– believe everyone should be able to live their life with freedoms to do as they think and believe are best….. but that also means you don’t push those beliefs onto someone else, because they too have the ability to live as they believe best, which possibly (probably!) differs from your beliefs in part of full.

– kindness is the best attribute to have.

– love others as Jesus taught us to love: unconditionally. No matter their color, race, sex, or other trait.

– we should always be learning. Things that others are different from me, physical or mental, are simply opportunities for me to learn.

– handouts shouldn’t be given as freely as they are, i’d prefer to teach you to fish for a lifetime than to give you a fish for today’s meal. Again, opportunity to learn.

– but if someone is in truly need, the handout should be available and given freely.

– but assess whether you truly need it, or just want it, being honest with yourself and others.

– i am 49-years old. About to live the last 365-days in the 40’s decade of my life. And i am ok with that!

– i feel “old” some days and “quite young” others.

– age isn’t just a state of mind, because my body has regular aches and pains telling me it is starting to feel the decades roll past. (But key word is “starting”, so i’m not “old” yet either).

– friend to many, but especially to my husband and my sister. My sister has been with me from the start of life and my husband has been with me for half of my life.

– married. In January Sir and i will have been married for 20-years, dated for 5-before that.

– submissive wife. i try my best to be as submissive as possible, but recognizing i am not a slave either. i am his wife, who follows his lead and directive.

– get spanked for discipline and punishment when submissiveness fails, or it’s just a Friday for maintenance.

– recognize that i am not in control of much of anything. God is is in control of everything though.

– and that God gave men the directive to lead and love his wife.

– and God also said the wife is to follow, submit and obey, her husband. So i do.

– Christian. As you can tell from above. i believe that Jesus is my Lord and Savior, and will one day come back to save us all from this failing world.

– a failing world in 2020 is where we are. But i know this is not my (ultimate) home.

– and i have come full circle in that while i want you to believe in Christ also, i won’t force it on you. But should you want to know or learn more, consider emailing me. i try to answer all emails, but sometimes i do miss some.

have a great and amazing day! This is the best Hump day in a long time!

Now go have my cake and eat it too!

Hugs,

Marie

152 – Change. Or is it Process Improvement ?

Written by Marie on . Posted in Uncategorized. No Comments on 152 – Change. Or is it Process Improvement ?

Change is hard. No one likes it. It is a big, mean, scary monster that rears its ugly head every so often and we don’t like it.

But what if you heard the words, “Process Improvement,”……….. would that make it less big, mean, or scary? Would you be able to embrace it better?

Think about it, no one C-H-A-N-G-E-S anything for the express purpose of making it worse. We make changes trying to make things better. While the old adage of, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” is generally true….. sometimes it can still be improved. Maybe a fix isn’t what is needed, but improvement might be.

THIS is what i would say is happening in my marriage right now. We are doing “Process Improvement.” Nothing too major, and we aren’t fixing what ain’t broke, but we are tweaking things. We are improving things.

So we aren’t abandoning any of our old ways, lifestyle, or DD. We are just improving it.

i told you that November is historically a bad month for us. We fight in November probably more than all the other months combined! i don’t even think David realizes that the month on the calendar ….. November …. is the common denominator. But i do.

This past week, i set out to C-H-A-N-G-E things. Or … said in a nicer, more palatable way…. to IMPROVE things.

One thing i realized was that we were both feeling under-appreciated. And as such, we wanted the other to DO something to or for the other to make it better. (We both wanted the other to C-H-A-N-G-E!)

i decided to stop waiting to be the one to receive it, and to be the one to give it. (Tis better to give than to receive… right?… okay, that’s the saying for December, and we are still in THANKFUL November… so back to NOVEMBER…)

Ya know though, the funny thing about giving is that typically you do indeed end up receiving. What goes around, comes around. Give out the good and the good comes back to you.

It started with me making a spontaneous breakfast for both David and i on Thursday. On Friday, i texted him saying, “I was just thinking about you. I hope your day is good. I love you.” Nothing big at all, and certainly not expensive, but still meaningful.

And on Saturday, he asked me to go out and play golf with him. Now this may sound minor, it was actually HUGE….. because he plays EVERY Saturday with the guy friends and he/i play on (some) Sunday afternoons.

i said, “Aren’t you playing with the guys?”

And he said, “The weather is going to be perfect and I thought it would be nice to play with you.”

He chose me over all the other men on a Saturday.

There was NO way i was saying no! So we went to play. And the weather was amazing and we enjoyed the day together. And we both played good too (an added bonus!)

And when we got home he said, “We haven’t done maintenance in several weeks. Don’t you think it’s needed?”

Now i know maintenance spankings work. And i know it probably was needed. But i don’t actually like being spanked. i like giving up control, knowing i submit to my husband, and knowing how well it works. But i don’t like the actual spanking itself.

So i was immediately annoyed.

i was thinking, “why ruin a perfectly good day with that? Besides, i am in the middle of doing something else now too.”

i was thinking of the loophole here too.

He didn’t say we had to do it right NOW. In fact, he asked me about it. He didn’t tell me to go assume the position even!?!?

He saw me roll my eyes and asked about it. He said, “what are you thinking?” i spoke my mind and told him all the things in my head.

He tilted his head and said, “You know what I meant.” And i did. He was right. i just didn’t like or want it at that moment.

So i got up and went to the bedroom. He followed me. He got out the paddle and stood at the end of the bed.

And he watched me undress. While i have undressed and/or been naked in front of him 1,000+ times in our marriage, when you do it while someone is staring at you, with a paddle in their hand, waiting on you…. it’s a bit humiliating and intimidating.

And maybe it is supposed to be that way.

Because in that fine razor point moment, i dropped the attitude and showed the submissive heart that i needed (and ultimately wanted) to too.

And i was spanked. For the first time in several weeks…. maybe in all of November even.

Afterward, we sat and talked a bit about all the fighting and even the bickering we had had lately. (And it hurt to sit on my red bottom then!). We talked about ways to avoid the fights in the future.

At Missy’s advice, i suggested we implement the red light system for fights in the same way we have it for discipline. Green is all good to go, yellow is slow it down as this is not going in the right direction, and red is stop right now. This system can, and hopefully will, be used by both of us to not have disagreements escalate in the first place.

But we also talked about times when we get mad anyway. When he is getting mad at me because of things i am saying (or yelling) what to do then. Because he doesn’t want to ever spank when he’s mad (because he may lose control at that point), we agreed he would tell me to go stand in the corner until i calm down enough to speak my words without the negative tone. Or he will tell me to write out what i have to say on paper, where he will read it and determine a response. Both of these cause me to take a pause and to reflect further before spewing anger everywhere.

And if i am just so mad (and stubborn) that i refuse to do these things, then he will flat out ignore me until i calm down. At which time, i will go assume the spanking position and prepare for a bad punishment. i will not be punished for what i wanted or was trying to say (aka: what i was mad about), but rather for failure to submit to the directive of standing in the corner or writing it out calmly. And then after that, we will also deal with “the issue” at hand causing the anger in the first place.

He agreed these were all smarter ways to deal with our anger than what we have been doing in the month of November.

So…. we are tweaking things. Making changes… or rather… Process Improvements!

i am encouraged… and THANKFUL…. For so many wonderful, things in my life…. including my best friend, head of house, and dominant husband to whom i submit to.

Next time you think about C-H-A-N-G-E, think about it positively with the notion that things are just I-M-P-R-O-V-I-N-G… and embrace it! It just might come full circle where the good you put out, comes back to you 10-fold greater!

Hugs,

Marie

146 – Got Spanked?

Written by Marie on . Posted in Punishment, Spanking, Submission. No Comments on 146 – Got Spanked?

Welp, i was right. i just knew things weren’t quite as they should be between David & i lately.

i have been snippy and sassy lately. With words and facial expressions both. And he has been tolerant.

He knew i have not been as-submissive-as-i-ought-to-be. But all he did was raise an eyebrow or make a comment like, “watch it!” So he has issued warnings. But warnings are only good for so long and then you have to do something about it. Or else quit calling out the warnings because they are nothing more than idle threats at that point!

Warnings can be effective for awhile, but at some point, they are no longer a useful tool.

So i also say…. He has been lazy. Yes, that is me calling him out right now. While i didn’t do these things simply to test him, when he allows me to get away with regular and continual disrespect he is being lazy.

And i will add that this can lead to a bad never-ending circle of habits and behaviors on both sides. When i know there is nothing more than a warning coming, i tend to lose (some/temporary) respect for David. i tend to be so annoyed that i roll my eyes and think, “whatever! He won’t do anything. Why should i act better when it won’t matter anyway?”

i will circle back to this idea of how it makes me feel throughout this post too, but right now i will start with…

Why would a dominant be lazy?

Well, i don’t think my Sir intends to be lazy. Sometimes i doubt he even realizes he has been! But i think some of the lazy comes from:

1) Overthinking. Like all of us, sometimes we all get too far in our own heads, including our dominants too. i think he wonders if: a) he gave enough notice/warnings, b) he was in a bad mood and overreacted, c) i wasn’t aware of what i did because i was stressed. Etc etc.

i could come up with a lot of reasons why David may overthink discipline. And so he hesitates.

And so he delays the discipline.

2) Tired. Sometimes fatigue – physical and/or mental happens – even to our dominants. Sometimes we all just want “peace and quiet” and to do our own thing, including our dominant. And they probably think that we should just do the right thing anyway.

So he delays the discipline again.

3) Discipline can be a to-do item. Sometimes it is just another “I have to do (blank) today.” Which becomes a chore. this is sometimes how we both feel about Maintenance on Friday’s. We both know it’s good to do, but sometimes, it just feels like a to-do item.

And he doesn’t want to do that to-do, so he delays discipline even more.

4) Even as a to-do item, does it have to be done “right now”? An analogy comes to mind here ….. doing the dishes. You know you have to clean the dishes. But does it matter if it is right after dinner, before bed, or the next morning? Probably not. But it still does have to get done at some point. And if you don’t do it even the next morning, the next dinner meal comes around and the dishes are likely now still not done.

This causes clutter. Pots and pans are in the way and not allowing any place to cook the next meal, the pans are dirty so what can you cook in anyway, and when it is cooked what will you eat off of since the plates and forks are all dirty still too?

And so the discipline was delayed.. again!!

But at some point…. THE DISCIPLINE HAS TO GET DONE.

Just like the dishes, there can be excuses, call it a to-do, or a hope the submissive does the right thing…. but allowing it to continue is not acceptable. And a warning is now nothing more than an empty threat if the discipline isn’t carried out.

This now sets up a pattern of bad behavior. If the submissive has bad behavior, the dominant does nothing about it, the submissive will (probably – and definitely will in my case!) continue the bad behavior, the bad behavior may even get worse, and at some point…. everything and everyone explodes.

i happen to think this vicious circle is what lead to the (most recent) “Worst Spanking ever.” But this time, i decided to not let it go that far.

Instead of continuing this terrible cycle of bad behavior, i told David, “i have not acted right. i know you know it too. And i need you to spank me. It needs to be hard enough to create remorse on my part. And it should cause you to be put back in place as the HoH and me as your submissive wife.”

Now of course, that sounds like i was the one who took the high ground here and did the right thing. But… i didn’t have the courage to say these words aloud.

i texted David after i left for work!

He wrote back, “when you get home, you need to go assume the position.” [to be spanked…. naked, feet on the floor, bend over at the waist onto the bed, with the paddle resting in the small of my back.]

i simply responded with, “Yes Sir.”

When i got home though, our 16-yr old son was hungry, time for dinner, and other chores took priority. But the minute we ate, i immediately cleaned up the dishes. And announced to our son i was going to our bedroom. He said ok.

David came in almost 15-minutes later and praised me for not having to be reminded to assume the position, despite not having it happen immediately after work.

That was a very long 15 minutes to wait in that position too! My legs were stiff and my back started to hurt from not moving (much) to ensure the paddle didn’t fall from its place.

i typically pray during these times. i pray that God instills a submissive mindset in me, gives David the confidence to discipline as much as i need (not just the making i want… because the “want” is always less than the “need”!), and that i am strong enough to accept the discipline with grace and love in my heart (and mind) to create a change in me.

This day was no different.

And David did indeed spank me more than i wanted. And it did indeed created a change in me. i have been more respectful this last 4-days than i was in the previous 2-weeks.

It hurt! All spankings should! It is always a time that i should, and typically do, get to the mindset of, “why did i do (blank)? This could’ve been avoided. This hurts. This is way worse than what i did to get to this place!”

While many don’t agree with Domestic Discipline (DD), we do. It restores order and cleanliness to our lives. Like having a clean kitchen, it is pretty, neat, more appealing, and ready to be used again the next time out. This is what happens in our marriage when we regularly have DD working-as-intended.

So like cleaning the dishes restores order to the kitchen, DD does that for our marriage. With mutual respect, kindness, compassion, and love … Our marriage is stronger because of it. We both know who is the leader and who is the follower. And that was just as God planned it to be, with my Sir leading my family and me following. But the clutter just happens sometimes in a marriage the same as in a kitchen, with daily use. And like the kitchen dishes, the clutter has to be dealt with and cleaned up. Some marriages don’t ever clean up the clutter for not having a good way to do it, or laziness. We prefer to deal with our marital difficulties with DD. When it is administered, things are cleared up and put back in order.

So now our vicious (bad) cycle has been broken. For now anyway. As much as i wish it weren’t true, i have no doubt this day will come back around again. Because like the dishes, clutter in our marriage happens. But we will deal with it, and set things straight again.

But it does require no one to be (regularly or continually) lazy too. So if all it takes is for me to send a text that basically could’ve said, “please don’t be lazy. i need to know you are in charge and in control. i need to have you show me your strength and ability to lead me and our family everyday. And that means you have to do more than just call out idle threats and DO something. Please turn me over and spank me hard,” then i will do it every time!

To some, asking and accepting a spanking is a challenge. To others, giving a deserved spanking is a challenge. But it works. Every time.

i love my disciplined life!

Hugs,

Marie