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145 – Equality. Between me and Sir.

Written by Marie on . Posted in Deep Thoughts, Submission. No Comments on 145 – Equality. Between me and Sir.

i said i have been receiving many emails with many questions. Well here’s another one i received…..

Aren’t men and women equal? If YES, why is He in charge and you submit?

i happen to think…. Y-E-S …. we are. Equal. Overall. ALL people – men and woman and “other” (whatever your gender identity happens to associate with today) ….. are indeed equal!

At least…. Mostly. But like everything, there’s always the exception to every rule.

EQUAL: Let’s talk equality first.

What about mentally? Y-E-S, when it comes to the capacity, ability to apply, and rights among people – men and women are absolutely equal. So to this idea of brainpower, i think of the best teachers, doctors, accountants, or similar profession — we are indeed equal. There’s no doubt a woman can do these things just as good as a man.

From a mental capacity, ability to make decisions, or position in life requiring critical thinking – women are every bit equal to men.

So if women are equal to men with their brain power, it is also fair to say we are equal as it relates to our rights in humanity. Things like ability to vote, get a job, buy a house, etc. Women are indeed equal!

INEQUALITY: And yet there are some things that women are indeed NOT equal to a man.

Just to be clear, i don’t think we are completely 100% equal, but then again, no two people are alike. And let me explain…..

Most definitely it takes some effort for some (say a woman), to do what others (say a man), can do more easily when it comes to physical abilities. But it IS possible. Here’s an example. i think it is a scientific/medical fact that men are naturally built/ born with more muscle than a woman is. But if a woman works hard enough, she can be just as strong. And let’s face it, not all men use their God-given muscles to their fullest, so if a woman works hard and a man doesn’t, she can actually prove to be stronger than he! But all in all, because of natural muscle-tendencies, men are stronger than women. Which is why i think men are more suited for some professions or activities than men. Like playing football. Or serving in the military.

Now with that last one… serving in the military… don’t get upset with me, because i also think you can do anything you set your mind to. So while a woman may not start out equal to a man, if she sets her mind to it, she can absolutely achieve the same results. But it takes a lot more effort to get to the same level, and even more to exceed that of a man.

So women can (and do!) serve in the military for sure. (And i suppose play football too). But i feel that neither of those are easy professions for women to chose, simply because our body isn’t naturally built with the same level of muscle as a man’s is. So it forces women to have to work much harder than our counterpart to get to the same level they can more naturally achieve. Which is why i happen to have a LOT of respect for women military personnel for the bad-ass selves that they are! If they set their mind to being just as good, or better even, AND worked that much harder to overcome the naturally less-muscular position they started at than the man… they have more than earned my respect!

There are other physical inequalities too, such as breastfeeding. It is for a woman and a woman alone. Oh i suppose i have seen in the news about a man breastfeeding. But it has always been a situation where it was either: 1) a man who was born a woman but had a sex change, 2) a man who has taken a significant amount of hormone pills, or 3) both.

Men are not naturally built for or designed to breastfeed. This is something that God intended women to do alone.

So while mentally, women are absolutely equal, physically we are not. BUT – in most cases – the equality can be achieved when a women is so determined and absolutely must be respected!

MY PARTICULAR POSITION… while i AM equal, i still have a choice about how to show it or exercise it.

And it is because i am equal, that i am allowed to exercise my right to apply that equality any way i so chose.

i intentionally chose to NOT be equal to the man in my life. i intentionally chose to let David be in charge, and to lead me and our family. i chose to submit.

Being submissive doesn’t automatically declare me less equal or less capable though …. or … well… in any way just “less.” i am NOT less. At all.

i have a brain in my head that is absolutely every bit as equal to David’s. And i use it! i use it to intentionally chose to be the submissive and to yield and to be the pliable one to bend to his authority.

i have nothing to prove to anyone about my equality. i know i am respected in the community and in my home as well. But even if i weren’t, i am confident in my position in my life and marriage (as the submissive one), to voluntarily chose to not have an equal say in everything in our household.

Could it have easily been the other way around – i am in charge and he submits to me? Yes. Because we are both indeed equal and capable of leading. But i intentionally set my mind to knowing and showing want to allow him to be the one in charge.

While i don’t have to yield to him, i chose to do so. But that doesn’t make me any less equal either.

So go out and be there bad ass banker, college professor, photographer, or student that you know you are!

Because YOU are all EQUAL!

Hugs,

Marie

133 – How VERY normal i am

Written by Marie on . Posted in Deep Thoughts, Submission. No Comments on 133 – How VERY normal i am

i know the things i blog about are very much NOT the norm for most people. But that’s what makes it very crazy and very fun to read… and well…. to live and write about to.

But i quite literally tell you about the only very crazy part of my life. i don’t tell you the very boring parts. Why? Because they are quite simply ….very boring.

i live in a very suburban neighborhood, a very average suburban house, and work at a very normal day job.

i wear (mostly) very conservative clothing to work because i do live and work in Texas, a very (overall) conservative views state. And while people say my career is very boring, i like my job very much. i would be very sad if my job were to end.

In fact, aside from our marriage dynamic, i am a very boring, very average, very normal everyday person.

i am SO very average, that i have said for many years i must be a chameleon. i look like every other common person on the planet!

While it hasn’t happened lately, frequently over the years when i meet new people, they say things like, “I’ve met you before.” And they proceed to rack their brain for any commonality that could lead them to the ephiphany moment of where we met before. This happens while i sit thinking, “i don’t know you and …. oh no…. here we go again….. how do i politely tell them that no, we do NOT know each other??”

Once was i was in a grocery store, a complete stranger was so very sure she knew me and said hello. Then she realized i was not the person she thought i was, but was still so very sure she had met me somewhere. When i politely said i really don’t think we have met, she was insistent and became determined to figure it out. She asked me, “do you go xyz church?” (No) …. “Did you go to xyz High school? (No)

i kindly excused myself and went to the next aisle. When she turned the corner too (we were coming from opposite ends toward each other), she then asked if i had a child in xyz sporting event. (No).

And this continued in the next aisle too! Was i related to so-and-so? (No). That’s when i got smart and skipped two aisles and managed to avoid her after that!

i say all this because i think people think i am some very strange person to WANT all this DD in my life. i also wonder if you are in a similar D/s relationship and may sometimes think, “my Dom isn’t as good/ strict/good as hers” or even, “I’m not as good a sub as she is.”

Well, i think you’d be surprised to know, and i dare say, if you saw me on the street, i would be your very average girl/mom walking by. i am so very ordinary in fact, that you may not even take notice otherwise!

All that really means is that i keep my very crazy shenanigans on the very down low.

However, that’s not really very hard to do since all my very crazy activities revolves solely in my marriage too. It doesn’t spill into my very ordinary life at all.

Additionally, while i am talking about how very average i am, i want to say – so are you. And that’s a good thing! That means – we are very much alike.

So don’t compare what you read about my Sir/Dom to yours or compare your submissiveness (or your relationship altogether) to mine. Why? Because first, we are all different. But second, it’s really very hard to keep this D/s dynamic going on a 24/7 basis. And third, remember you are reading about the “newsworthy” stuff. That means we all very much have very normal lives. i just chose to tell you about the very crazy moments in my life. But the rest of it….. well…. it’s very boring!

So don’t read stuff on the Internet or in a book and think, “they have it altogether, all figured out, and ‘perfect’. I sure wish my life was that way.” Because no one’s life is that way. You are simply reading about the stuff they chose to tell you….. which in most cases is, “newsworthy.”

i love how very average and very normal and very chameleon-like i (and you!) am. And i hope you like you too!

[Did you notice all the times i wrote “very”? i recently had a conversation where a friend told me she hates that word and wishes it could be struck from the English language. It also reminded me of an English teacher in HS who said the same thing also. Here are some synonyms for very: extremely, precise, actual, immensely, tremendously, exceedingly, powerfully, extra. And i could go on. But i won’t. i’ll just tell you….. i really had a very, VERY, V-E-R-Y good time writing that word in today’s VERY boring, normal post about life! It made it VERY exciting and newsworthy!]

Hugs!

Marie

124 – Being Naked

Written by Marie on . Posted in Deep Thoughts, Submission. No Comments on 124 – Being Naked

i have been experimenting with being naked. i’ve never been one it want to be naked. I feel …. exposed. Nowhere to hide. All of my flaws are out on display.

i think my feelings (fears!) are normal. While i haven’t asked anyone specifically, i did ask Google.

i found several articles stating the many benefits of being nude, with the primary ones being to grow self-esteem, self-respect, and become less self-conscience.

i started with just sleeping naked. And even that was hard. i like to cover up. All the fat, scars, and imperfections! So i slept with a lot of covers pulled all the way to my neck.

And when i got hot….. it was an intentional decision to then shed some of the covers.

But it turns out that sleeping nude is a health benefit too. Your body has a lot to “do” when we sleep – regenerate cells and digest food among them – and having a lower body temp can promote that. So having less clothing is ideal to help your body find its best natural state, u less of course you out on SO many covers you raise your body temp instead of lowering it!!

So despite the articles and encouragement from Google, i still feel…. exposed. After giving birth, and being a mature adult…. of course i have scars and “life” shows itself on my body.

And yet, David likes it. He said it is sexy to see all that’s his on display. Or easy access. Or both!

(And easy access promotes sexual activities, which is also stated as a benefit of being nude!)

Being naked (more) was my idea at the start and it grew into something that now he likes too. Ok, fine…. he probably liked it from the start! But now he’s told me he likes it.

He says he won’t be naked…. even to sleep. Because that’s his purview to decide that and he decided no. (Big tease!)

So i am learning to like it. But i don’t know if i like-like it yet either. That’s how i am…. try it on for size and if it fits, then keep it. Otherwise, shrug it off and try on something new.

After “just” sleeping, now i have expanded to drinking my coffee in the morning in the nude too. (The new routine in the morning didn’t last long! i am just not a “get out of bed and ‘go’ kinda person! i’ve tried!)

i now sit on the couch drinking coffee, reading emails, surfing the internet and writing posts….. while nude. And Sir walks by, looks, and smiles. Sometimes he touches but most of the time he doesn’t. (Which adds to the self conscience feelings since i’m nude and he is not…. and he is now looking at me).

But now it’s even grown to the place that when we are alone (Aka: our son not home), he wants me to shed clothes and be naked as much as possible.

i suppose this might be like the no panties and no bra thing. i now don’t think twice about those things. And i am extremely comfortable with it. i hardly ever wear those things now….. and when i do it actually feels odd now. But it took awhile to embrace that too. So this will probably be the same!

So right now, i’m not sure if i like this new thing or not. i want to like it. Does that count?

Maybe i’ll get to go to a nude beach sometime too…. but that may not happen til next summer…. or at all, especially if David continues to exercise his right to keep his clothes on.

Oh – and since winter is upon us, maybe this nude thing won’t last either…. i mean, it’s cold in winter! And really, that’s a big problem for me around the house already….. i am cold! Hmmm. We shall see!

i guess i need to read more articles and build up my self confidence even more!

What about you? Do you spend time nude? How was it in the beginning?

Hugs,

Marie

100 – Stress: N-O-T my thing…

Written by Marie on . Posted in Deep Thoughts, Submission. No Comments on 100 – Stress: N-O-T my thing…

This week has been so annoying and stressful. i started this post about 4-days ago, and now i an finishing it while on VACATION and relaxing.

It’s always interesting to me when i write something (and don’t post immediately) how when i come back to it, something things have changed…. namely…. my perspective.

When in the midst of a situation(s), frequently it can seem overwhelming and (almost) insurmountable. And even just a mere day later, it isn’t as big of a deal anymore. Oh, a lot of times the “thing” is still going on, but my reaction to it can often be completely different.

And over the years i have learned that when i am stressed and IN the moment…. i struggle to be submissive!

It’s not that i don’t want to be submissive, it’s that i want things to change, improve, drive toward conclusion. And in the middle of it, being submissive seems passive. It feels like i am not “doing” anything to change the result or the answer or the outcome to just …..(be submissive) …… and wait.

Let me just give you some real-life examples of what happened this week… in the moment and the next day…..

EXAMPLE 1:

Big Bang is still problematic! Over 60-days now past the accident, and we still don’t have the completely-totaled-car done and gone. While i was not deemed the “at fault” party in an accident where i was the middle of a 3-car pileup, we had to get our own insurance involved. If it weren’t for them, i still wouldn’t have a new vehicle!

Here’s the players that effected me this week:

A) insurance 1 (the girl at the front who police said WAS at fault),

B) insurance 2 (the guy at the back who slammed into me, causing me to slam into girl at front,

C) insurance 3 (our own insurance),

D) AND insurance 4 (our own GAP insurance). FYI: i has GAP on my vehicle and if you aren’t familiar with GAP – it “fills in the gap” between all the other insurances if/when more is owed than they pay).

So this week i got a call from our insurance (#3) saying insurance 2 is filing a “medical claim” against all other people involved, including us (He was walking and talking at the scene withOUT issue), which upon notice having been given to insurance 1, they are now referring this over to a lawyer on their part. AND because of the “open issues” now too, insurance 3 won’t pay off the loan of the vehicle, causing insurance 4 (GAP) to not be able to do their part, causing me to have excess debt on my credit now!

OKAY – In the moment and the day of …….i went home… told Sir alllllll about it.

And (unfortunately) NOT in a respectful tone, so when i was done, i heard the words, “Do we need to go change your attitude?”

Me: “NO! Spanking my ass won’t make all this better!”

Sir: “oh yes, yes it will!”

[INSERT spanking story and my ass turned red right here!]

The next day…… after i calmed down and had a sore rear end, i realized…. there’s nothing i can DO to make this better than talk to the insurance agents, let them sort it all out…. and wait. So by NOT being submissive, all i achieved was a sore ass! My goal of “doing” something amounted to getting naked, bending over, and accepting punishment.

EXAMPLE 2:

So i started to write a bunch of other examples…. Son’s school, A situation at work, ok so several things at work, and an event planned for our vacation…… but …….

The details don’t really matter.

As i typed away all the details about all my week’s wrongs plus all my efforts to “fix” things… i realized there’s ONE thing they ALL have in common:

i had NO (ultimate) ability to change the outcome!

Oh, yes certainly i do agree, i had some ability… the ability to set things in motion…. call the school and wait for them to take action, talk to employees and set them in action, and to call up the event coordinator and set them in motion too…….

But ultimately….. ALL i had control of was how i responded to the situation!

And none of my actions really drove anything to conclusion, fixed the problem, or changed much of anything.

What DID change was my attitude about it.

The DAY AFTER…. i realized that when i depart from being my submissive-self, ALL that happens is that i cause strife between me and David!

i have to remember this the next time i have a super hard and stressful weeks!

And now… we are onto V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N!!!

Hugs,

Marie

73 – Memoir 2 – “No, I don’t want a divorce…. I want change”

Written by Marie on . Posted in Deep Thoughts, Marriage, Submission. No Comments on 73 – Memoir 2 – “No, I don’t want a divorce…. I want change”

Change. It’s a simple word with a powerful punch. Why is change important? Or needed? And why do we fear it so much?

i did a simple google search on “change”, and one of the first things to pop up was this:

On an individual level, change is important because it is the precursor to all growth. We don’t grow by keeping things “safe” – by preserving the status quo (even though that may seem more comfortable). All personal growth comes from meeting the challenge of change. By dealing with life challenges we learn that we can.

So maybe these words above wasn’t what i knew about or thought about all those years ago…. but it was definitely what we needed!

And now… he wanted change. I couldn’t have agreed more!

Ahh buddy, yes indeed… we WILL be changing alright! If you don’t want a divorce, you will indeed be changing! There’s no doubt about that! And I will tell you now how that’s going to happen…..

All i knew for sure was my husband of 10- years, friend for 15 (we dated for 5 before marriage), and father to our only child, was indeed unfaithful. He had broken our marriage vows. He had broken my heart. And my whole life was about to change… whether i wanted it or not!

And that’s when we proceeded to have the biggest fight of our entire relationship! We yelled, cried, threatened to leave…. and yet…. still stayed. If either of us had really given up on “us”, we wouldn’t have fought. We would not have even cared enough to fight.

The opposite of love is NOT hate. It is apathy. When you don’t care, you have no feelings at all. And we clearly did. How much either of us ultimately cared or if it was enough to carry us through the process of what it would take to fix what was broken, i didn’t know.

That’s when I told him how it would be. I told him, “you will break it off with her…NOW. You’ll tell her you love me and only me. You’ll tell her you are committed to your wife and son. And from now on, you are NOT to delete any texts, any emails, and I will check the phone bill to confirm. And this is the way it has to be to rebuild the trust! Are you ready to break it off with her??”

Yes (ma’am). i put that word (ma’am) in parenthesis because while he did NOT say it out loud, i was absolutely in control that night and we both knew it…. at least in that moment anyway. (And did you also notice i put the I in caps?? I was in charge now. I was the one who was taking control!)

I dared him to call her and tell her RIGHT THEN. I wanted to hear it!

And he did.

After just a minute of talking to her, he put her on speaker and said, “Marie, she wants to talk to you” (WTF….. no F’ing way do I want to talkkkkkk to her!)

She said, “I’m sorry. Can I come over and we talk through this?”

Me: Seriously? You want to talk? In MY house? You tried to ruin my life, while betraying our friendship by sleeping with MY husband for a YEAR! And now you are “sorry”? We are never speaking again! I want you GONE!

Her: Please, just hear me out.

Me: fine.

Ding dong. The doorbell rang.

She was at our house! He had apparently told her before he even got home that i knew, it was over, and she had notions of “wanting to make it right”. She had driven to our house and was sitting in the car working up the courage to knock on the door when David called her.

I answered the door. She asked to come in. I was SO pissed that I was like, “FINE! SURE! Come on into MY house tonight since you’ve been lurking in the shadows for a year! At least now I know you are being honest and in the light!” (At this point it was almost 9pm and getting quite dark… and we had NO lights on in the house! So the pun of the light was quite literal at that moment. But no one was laughing though either).

She came in and I looked at David, shaking my finger at him and barked orders to him, “she came to talk to ME. Not you! Don’t say a word!”

She sat down and we yelled, cried, fought.. and wore ourselves out. David did talk, but only in the strategic places he felt he could.

And after we were exhausted and (mostly) out of words, she reached her hand out to mine (we were on opposite sides of one of the couches, while David had been ostracized to his own couch)…. she touched my fingers, she covered the back of my palm, she squeezed and said, “I’d like to make this up to you …..in the shower….. together.”

And she grabbed my hand, pulled upward, and stood up. And said, “let’s go get naked together. David has seen me naked. He’s seen you naked. But we’ve never seen each other naked. Let’s make him watch us have sex together.”

I was so numb and wanting someone to love ME that this sounded stupid, crazy, and completely insane…. and yet, exactly what I needed too!

So I did it.

She went down on me in the shower.

And I felt like David was right… he and I were NOT sexually incompatible… and maybe all those pent up, “bad girl” ideas I had were just “bad ideas”.

While I was trying to find the answer to rid ourselves of this contagion “virus” from my home, I had opened and invited it further inside. Literally, inside ME. And it felt GOOD!

That’s when it morphed into more….we all 3-had sex…. together… in OUR bed… the virus had fully infected everything!!!

And we put all our sexual parts everywhere ….but …. when he put his cock inside her, I saw. I saw how she wasn’t “just” a girl he fucked… it was someone he was passionate with. And I was the 3rd wheel. And I freaked out!

I almost threw up. Literally. The virus made me sick! And I threw on the first thing I saw (one of David’s long t shirts) and ran out of the house. No shoes, no pants, no keys, no phone, and nowhere to go…. and I ran… yes, RAN. On bare feet, I wanted to feel the pain of the road against my feet. I wanted my body to be torn up on the outside to match how I felt on the inside. And I wanted to get AWAY. Not just away from the house, but my life, him, her and well…ME.

What was I thinking allowing her in our house? What did I really expect to see after they’d been fucking each other, behind my back, for an entire year? But they weren’t “fucking”… they were making “love”!!

I ran. With no awareness of how far or fast…. I was so lost in my head I wasn’t sure I wanted to come out of it either. It was midnight. And I ended up at the neighborhood park. On a swing. (Oh The irony… swinging in the bed and now swinging alone at the park!)

I dared him to come get me. I knew if he didn’t, I was filing for divorce the next day. And yet, I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to come or not! I prayed “God let YOUR will be done!”

And he did. God’s will was done. And that was for David to come. He cane and got me. He’s always wanted ME!

He just wanted more now too. He wanted change.

And then we cried in each other’s arms in the park. He tried to get me to go back to the house and I said “not until she’s gone. I can’t have her there anymore. We have to find a new way forward, and it can’t be with her”

He said, “she’s already gone.”

And that’s when we started to talk …. over MANY months and really YEARS forward…. what we wanted this new “change” to look like……

So coming back full circle on this post…. all growth starts with change. You can’t expect anything to improve if you aren’t willing to change. You have to go all-in, you have to embrace change, you have to want to change…….

I’ll tell you more in Memoir 3 …. about how we’ve morphed from that night to where we are now.

And now I’m off of here … to EDGE. AGAIN! I’M SO FRUSTRATED. I NEED RELEASE! I’M NOT GOING TO LAST 7-DAYS! 😩

Hugs,

Marie