72 – Memoir 1…. where did we start…in this D/s-DD relationship.

So here is me about to truly expose myself… ok, NO you aren’t going to SEE a picture of me, but you’ll likely see my soul in this post! But all that i have to say may take a few of these posts, so i’ll call this “Memoir 1” and i’m sure you’ll recognize when i get to the end.

i’ve been asked many times “how exactly did you find this lifestyle” and “how did you get started” and “who initiated this” and every combo of those questions imaginable.

My entire life has held a series of “suppressed sexual encounters”… as i’ve posted about some before already. But i never embraced it… “it” being the kinky/hot sex…. i never let it define me, i never owned it, or let ME be ok with it! Instead… i suppressed it, called it dirty, and sinful. Made excuses that “when that happened, i was (young, drunk, stupid, … fill in the blank). And basically i tried to believe i had been a bad girl then and was only a good girl when i was doing traditional, missionary, vanilla sex. And i tried to say “THIS is how God wants me to be! (Good …with vanilla sex with just my husband and no one else … ever again!)”

And it was boring.

To the point that David and i barely had any sexual encounters at all. We didn’t know how to really talk about it either. So we both ignored it. Basically acted like it didn’t matter…. but it did!

We successfully had a kid after a lot of help from infertility docs, so even getting PG was a “clinical” process! And then no other kids/siblings because i just wasn’t up for more “clinical” sex or procedures.

And when our kid was 7, David and i celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary. So we endured a lot of superficial communications and very little sex… and when we did have sex… it was boring. (Have i said how boring it was?! Neither of us had “fun” or “got off”. We both were just going through the motions…. like “good boys and girls” do!)

About 4’ish months after our anniversary, David had been out of town for work (which was a lot back then) and i was washing clothes. When i took the clothes out of the dryer……

Two movie tickets stubs fell out.


R-rated movie.

It wasn’t with me.

When i looked at the calendar, it was…

On a Monday night.

A night that he had told me he was out of town.

i went online to United trips and he was NOT out of town.

And i was in shock.

i texted him, “who did you go to see Contagion with on that Monday night??”

And i stared at my phone both wanting an answer… and not.

What came back was, “why?”

i said, “I deserve to know! Is it someone I know? Is it someone you love? Is it someone you want to be with?”

And he responded with, “Yes. Yes. No, because I love you.”

I texted him back, “make up your mind by the time you land tonight at 6. I’ll be waiting. Our son will be at my bff’s. Don’t text or call me until I see you.”

And he proceeded to blow up my phone …. to which i read, but didn’t respond…. begging mercy, telling me how much he loves me, he wants a better marriage, he wants to be with me, he wishes he hadn’t done it, blah, blah, blah….. i refused to answer it.

i sat on the couch… as the sun went down… and waited. And cried. And was heart broken, angry, sad, cried, hated AND loved him. and had NO idea what to do.

When he walked in, i had already taken our son away for the night, and the first words he said were, “we are not sexually compatible.”

There was clearly a “contagion” in our house alright…. i just wasn’t sure where or when the source originated exactly, how to eradicate it, or how to become immune to it! or if i just wanted to let it kill “us” (“us being our marriage) and be done with him.

i knew her…. very well…. in fact, i thought she was a friend. And he proceeded to tell me they had been together for a FULL YEAR.

Timeout….. if you think “every woman knows”, i am living proof … they don’t! Maybe they should, but they don’t! Oh i knew we weren’t great, but i thought this was how marriage was supposed to be…. kinda boring, but comfortable and easy …..but i never thought this was what we had become.

That’s when i asked him if he wanted a Divorce. He said, “No. I want change.”

And what came next…. you’d NEVER guess….. and NO, it wasn’t DD.

Everything i am talking about here happened 8-years ago. We only discovered DD 2-years ago….. so guess again…..

And i’ll leave you right THERE…. on the edge.... kinda like i am right now…. i mean, i just HAVE to share this frustrating experience with you too!! ……. (see last post – 21 times to change a habit if you haven’t already).

And speaking of edging…. this is Day 2…. and i am getting incredibly frustrated. David made me watch a 30-minute porn video last night and said i could start and stop as much i needed to, but i was to watch the entire thing while edging. And of course, NO orgasm. I barely succeeded!

And to add to it, today he texted me, “are you horny little girl?? Have you been a good girl??”

Yes Sir! To both……




  1. I so need to read how you got through this. I just found out tonight my husband has been cheating. I’m soo sad. Heartbroken. You know. I don’t have to tell you.

    • Oh sweetheart….. this is terrible news indeed. I debated strongly if I was going to tell my “whole” story or skip past this entire post… because it hurt to tell it even now…. 8-years later. So yes, I know how you are feeling! And now I know why God laid it on my heart THIS particular day to tell my entire story….. and yes, I’ll finish it.

      But in the meantime, would you consider emailing me and we can chat there…. HappyL1125@yahoo.com

      Super big hugs!

      • Thank you! I can’t compete with porn and all of the people on Fetlife 24/7. It’s almost harder than if there was actually someone else. I’ll email you. Thanks again.

      • I don’t want to “like” this post, but there’s not an option to pick a sad face… so I’ll just post that here…. 😞

  2. I am disappointed you ended your story here. Talk about cliffhanger. Credit to you for making it past that point to where you both are now and I look forward to hearing about the conversation 😊

  3. What a cliffhanger!
    Marie I mentioned in an earlier comment about my husband and I leaving our family size up to God and I hope you took no offense to that as you needed scientific intervention! I do not think IVF is a sin, nor do I think birth control is either. (Our lack of BC is about our family only and how we were blessed with the resources for a large family and how we believe God’s hand is guiding us toward that! We believe God guides each family differently!)

    • Valerie – honest to God, I took NO offense at ALL! We have actually had the same mentality really…. leave it to God. In fact, when our son was 2-months old and I went to the OB for the checkup, he said “let’s talk contraception… it’s not healthy for you to get PG for a bit longer but you can resume relations”…. and I laughed. I said, “if God were to bless me today with another child, I would be super eager to fill that role and there’s NO amount of convincing you can do to tell me otherwise! I doubt it will happen given all of where we’ve been, but if it does, we will deal with it then”

      And it’s never happened. And it took a lot of mental anguish/ mourning to know that another child wasn’t in my future without “clinical” help. And we prayed and decided we didn’t feel it was what God had in store for us.

      So truly, NO offense taken but I am honored you were considerate and thoughtful of my feelings! Thank you! Hugs, Marie

      • IVF was certainly a blessing for you!
        We weren’t called to stop BC until after our first two children. I went on the pill after having my second kid at only 24 years old. A couple years later I went off so we could try for an third and nothing happened for a very long time. Over prayers, God laid it on my heart to leave the size of our family up to Him and after praying with my husband, he agreed. I even stopped tracking ovulation. I got pregnant that year. There’s a huge gap in my kids ages because of that. (16, 14, 8, 5, 3 & 2). My last two are only thirteen months apart.

      • i think i know where this cliffhanger is going just from reading other blogs of yours but i won’t spoil it😉 i am very happy that things have turned around for the better for you both!

  4. I also want to add that one of the virtues I am working on is to always keep a kindness in my words and deeds. That is why I needed to make sure your took no offense because I could see how my talk of birth control could come across as unkind towards a person who required IVF. I’m glad you understand.

  5. Hi there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and say I genuinely enjoy reading your articles. Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same subjects? Thank you!

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