So here is me about to truly expose myself… ok, NO you aren’t going to SEE a picture of me, but you’ll likely see my soul in this post! But all that i have to say may take a few of these posts, so i’ll call this “Memoir 1” and i’m sure you’ll recognize when i get to the end.
i’ve been asked many times “how exactly did you find this lifestyle” and “how did you get started” and “who initiated this” and every combo of those questions imaginable.
My entire life has held a series of “suppressed sexual encounters”… as i’ve posted about some before already. But i never embraced it… “it” being the kinky/hot sex…. i never let it define me, i never owned it, or let ME be ok with it! Instead… i suppressed it, called it dirty, and sinful. Made excuses that “when that happened, i was (young, drunk, stupid, … fill in the blank). And basically i tried to believe i had been a bad girl then and was only a good girl when i was doing traditional, missionary, vanilla sex. And i tried to say “THIS is how God wants me to be! (Good …with vanilla sex with just my husband and no one else … ever again!)”
And it was boring.
To the point that David and i barely had any sexual encounters at all. We didn’t know how to really talk about it either. So we both ignored it. Basically acted like it didn’t matter…. but it did!
We successfully had a kid after a lot of help from infertility docs, so even getting PG was a “clinical” process! And then no other kids/siblings because i just wasn’t up for more “clinical” sex or procedures.
And when our kid was 7, David and i celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary. So we endured a lot of superficial communications and very little sex… and when we did have sex… it was boring. (Have i said how boring it was?! Neither of us had “fun” or “got off”. We both were just going through the motions…. like “good boys and girls” do!)
About 4’ish months after our anniversary, David had been out of town for work (which was a lot back then) and i was washing clothes. When i took the clothes out of the dryer……
Two movie tickets stubs fell out.
It wasn’t with me.
When i looked at the calendar, it was…
On a Monday night.
A night that he had told me he was out of town.
i went online to United trips and he was NOT out of town.
And i was in shock.
i texted him, “who did you go to see Contagion with on that Monday night??”
And i stared at my phone both wanting an answer… and not.
What came back was, “why?”
i said, “I deserve to know! Is it someone I know? Is it someone you love? Is it someone you want to be with?”
And he responded with, “Yes. Yes. No, because I love you.”
I texted him back, “make up your mind by the time you land tonight at 6. I’ll be waiting. Our son will be at my bff’s. Don’t text or call me until I see you.”
And he proceeded to blow up my phone …. to which i read, but didn’t respond…. begging mercy, telling me how much he loves me, he wants a better marriage, he wants to be with me, he wishes he hadn’t done it, blah, blah, blah….. i refused to answer it.
i sat on the couch… as the sun went down… and waited. And cried. And was heart broken, angry, sad, cried, hated AND loved him. and had NO idea what to do.
When he walked in, i had already taken our son away for the night, and the first words he said were, “we are not sexually compatible.”
There was clearly a “contagion” in our house alright…. i just wasn’t sure where or when the source originated exactly, how to eradicate it, or how to become immune to it! or if i just wanted to let it kill “us” (“us being our marriage) and be done with him.
i knew her…. very well…. in fact, i thought she was a friend. And he proceeded to tell me they had been together for a FULL YEAR.
Timeout….. if you think “every woman knows”, i am living proof … they don’t! Maybe they should, but they don’t! Oh i knew we weren’t great, but i thought this was how marriage was supposed to be…. kinda boring, but comfortable and easy …..but i never thought this was what we had become.
That’s when i asked him if he wanted a Divorce. He said, “No. I want change.”
And what came next…. you’d NEVER guess….. and NO, it wasn’t DD.
Everything i am talking about here happened 8-years ago. We only discovered DD 2-years ago….. so guess again…..
And i’ll leave you right THERE…. on the edge…. kinda like i am right now…. i mean, i just HAVE to share this frustrating experience with you too!! ……. (see last post – 21 times to change a habit if you haven’t already).
And speaking of edging…. this is Day 2…. and i am getting incredibly frustrated. David made me watch a 30-minute porn video last night and said i could start and stop as much i needed to, but i was to watch the entire thing while edging. And of course, NO orgasm. I barely succeeded!
And to add to it, today he texted me, “are you horny little girl?? Have you been a good girl??”
Yes Sir! To both……