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233 – i prayed for patience

Written by Marie on . Posted in My Dominant Sir. No Comments on 233 – i prayed for patience

Quite a long time ago….. like nearly 20-years ago now, i prayed to God to teach me patience. After about a year of enduring situations that demanded patience, i heard myself begging God to let me take back that same prayer… “Yeah, God… uhm… can we forget we had this little talk, shall we?”

i hated it! The only way to learn patience is to experience it….. to be patient. And wait.

To this day, i do not think God forgot. i think He merely laughed. And He put me into other various situations to continue to test my endurance… and patience.

Patience often means self control, which also means self discipline. i don’t mean self discipline as in self inflicted spankings, but rather more like controlling myself to avoid getting into a situation needing physical discipline at all.

Self discipline and self control are very much related and/or the same thing, but so is patience really. We all must learn these virtues throughout life. It’s what keeps us out of trouble.

So all of this can be hard under normal circumstances but add to it a D/s dynamic and it [being patience!] becomes very nearly required and yet… sometimes impossible.

i find myself having to exert a LOT of patience these days as i wait on David to decide if/when he wants to be in an (active) D/s relationship…. And let me tell you, it is pure torture.

But today i see it is already starting to payoff. i know what you are thinking…. “It’s just been a few days!”

But that’s because i only just told you about it. i just didn’t have the courage to tell you. Or maybe it was more like, i didn’t want to admit it… even to myself!

We started not (actively) living this lifestyle just after Christmas. It wasn’t a particular day or time that we decided to stop but rather the D/s activities just started to fade away over time.

So i have been praying and waiting and enduring …. And practiced building PATIENCE…

Today, i saw a small change. But it felt huge!

David & i were at an event with several friends. David made a comment to one of the friends where he spoke about something and i was quick to correct him. i didn’t mean to snap, but i had information that he didn’t and i blurted it out, effectively making him look (and probably feel) inadequate.

He looked sternly at me where in a hushed voice which was clearly audible for only my ears, he said, “you don’t need to be so snarky!”

i just responded with, “Yes. i agree.”

And i stopped.

Later in the day, hours after the event concluded, out of the blue he texted, “I noticed you listened.”

i knew what he was referring to immediately and i smiled. He noticed! i texted back, “as i mentioned, i intent to be the best submissive wife i can be. If you choose to enforce it, i would love that. But i know it needs to be your decision too.”

A minute later, i saw the tell tale blinking …. The Dots….. he was texting back….

And i waited more…. Exercising more patience!

That’s when his message came through and it said, “I likely will.”

And i feel confident, he will. Just can’t wait til he does…..

Ok.

i know.

i have to.

Wait.

BE PATIENT!

Hugs,

Marie

232 – W-H-Y Top from the Bottom??

Written by Marie on . Posted in my submissiveness, Submission. No Comments on 232 – W-H-Y Top from the Bottom??

i mentioned in the last post about Topping-from-the-Bottom. i want to talk more about that now…

First, what is it?

Next, why would anyone do it?

Last, why did i do it?

So let’s start with “what is it?”

Pure and simple, it is a submissive (a bottom) telling a a dominant (a top) how to do their job. Think of it like “a backseat driver”, where the sub isn’t driving but tells the Dom, who is driving, how to do it.

And why would anyone do it?

Well, i never set out to do it. i seriously doubt any submissive does. It just did. It just happened. To a large degree, it happened subconsciously actually. And even when i did realize it, i justified it.

i said stuff like, “how else would he know how i feel if i don’t tell him?” And “he doesn’t know my limits or what i like or don’t, if i don’t speak up.”

While those things are absolutely true, the problem comes when i stop telling him how i feel or about what i like (or don’t like), and begin telling him what he should do or not do with that information.

While not trying to justify it at all, i’d tell you that the latter part (telling him what to do or not), just came as a side effect of the first part. First i would say “i would like xyz.” Then it expanded into, “you know, you could do that right now.” And further moved into, “if you want to see how i will respond, let’s do it now and we can test how far it can go.” And ultimately ended with, “that was nice… let’s do it again tomorrow.” So in effect, i ended up telling him how to do his job, instead of letting him decide what to do (if anything) with that information.

So while it was a suggestion of what he should do, it ended up being more of a command or an order too!

Exactly why did i do it?

Well, as i said before, it was unintentional. i thought since this whole D/s relationship with DD was my idea, that i should tell him about some of the things he could or should do, how to keep me in line, and how to be Dominant. What i didn’t really stop to think about was that maybe he has ideas of his own, and my ideas are … well… irrelevant.

B-U-T …. Now…… things have to change….

This morning, i played out an entire scenario in my head. In the past, i would have acted on it and told David. Today though, i am opting to tell you instead of him. Because while i want to break myself of the nasty habit of being a topper, i need to tell someone what i’d love to tell him! Tag, you are IT!

So yesterday i told you that i told him about how i will always be his submissive wife, regardless if he is my Dominant husband or just my Vanilla husband. His response was a bit of surprise, and then it seemed he forgot about it. i somehow doubt he did actually forget, but he didn’t outwardly tell me he was still thinking about it either.

So as i was dressing this morning, i “imagined” a scenario that i really wanted to happen.

i really wanted him to hold me accountable. i wanted to tell him to hold me accountable. But i did not. i know i can’t. i know if or when the time is right, he will act on his own free will.

But if i could telepathically send subliminal messages to him… i just may try!

It all started as i was drying my hair. In the nude. Like i do daily already. i get my hair all done and set. Then i dress.

i went to the closet and picked a dress. i did not put on a bra, as i (mostly) never do. But i did put on a thong pair of panties, which i know he does not care for.

That’s when i started to dream up what could happen next…..

i imagined him coming into the bathroom and pulling my dress up, to feel what belongs to him, and finding it covered with panties. And him saying, “So being my submissive wife doesn’t include panties. Right?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Then why am I finding these here?”

“i didn’t think you’d notice…. [or care enough to go looking…. And if you did look, you wouldn’t call me out on it.]”

“While you may think I don’t care, you would be wrong. Go lie on the bed and get into position. It’s been a very long time and way overdue, but you do indeed need to be reminded about what a good submissive for me looks like,” he said [in my thoughts].

He continued, “Don’t take anything off, including the shoes. Just get into position and I’ll do the rest.”

i heard the drawer opening. i knew the paddle was being pulled out. It hasn’t left it’s space in so many months, i was equal parts fearful of the pain i was about to feel and excited about being reacquainted with it.

He pulled my dress up over my ass and flopped it onto my back, partially covering my head. He laid the paddle on my ass, even with the thong still on and lying between me and the paddle.

In continuous and smooth succession motions, he proceeded to deliver 10-tight, hard, and intentional swats to my ass. While my ass was so quickly feeling the sting, i think it was the shock to my mind that was more intense than the physical spanking was. When he was done, he laid the paddle back on my ass and told me not to move. i was grateful to be able to lay there another minute and just breathe. Just take it all in.

He went to the bathroom, i heard drawers opening and closing, and he returned. He said, “up on all 4’s now. Spread your legs and let me see your ass.”

i did as i was told. That’s when i felt his finger loop underneath my thong panties and pull them to the side, and the tip of the anal plug press at that opening.

He asked me, “are you really ready to renter the world of submission?”

i told him, “i have never left Sir.”

And in one swift motion, he pressed the plug all the way in deep. And i heard him speak a single word, “Good!” as he did pressed it in place.

i haven’t worn a plug in as many months either, so it was a tight fit. He let go of my panties, threw my dress back down into place, and sat me upright. His hand came to my chin and said, “that’s my good girl. Remember who you belong to. And this time, don’t tell me how to do my job. Off you go to work now!”

When i smiled at him, he smiled back and leaned in and kissed me.

All was right in my world…..

Screechhhhhhh………

Until i realized or came to terms with the fact that all that was in my head and none of that was reality.

Instead, i finished getting dressed and packed up to leave for work. As i was heading out the door, i greeted him and said i was off to work, and he said, “have a great day. I love you!”

i know he does. And because i also love him, i told him so, but i didn’t tell him anything about my fantasy imagination of what may-have-been this morning. (In the past i would have!).

So at this moment, he has no idea of what is (or not) on my body under this dress. He has no idea that i am braless, as he desires. But that i do have a thong on, as the way he does NOT desire. While i did not wear a plug to work, he doesn’t know i even thought about it. He doesn’t know what went on in my head today. And i won’t tell him either, unless of course, he asks…… Which, unless my telepathic connection improves dramatically, is not too likely either.

One day at a time. Letting him be him and me be me is where i need to rest and allow it to unfold as it should…. Not as i want it to be.

And maybe one day, i won’t be a top-from-the -bottom submissive but just a submissive. And he will be a top-as-he-wants-to Dom – vanilla or otherwise! Until then, my fantasies will continue in my head and on this blog….

(No, i am not upset about any of this being my current reality…. Life is too short to feel sad/guilt/sorrow. i enjoy it as it comes, and you should too! And while i can’t deny that i would much prefer to be on the same page with David – in a D/s relationship – forcing it only goes so far and only works for so long. Time will tell where this goes, but what i do know is we have been together for 25+ years at this point and that will continue!)

Hugs,

Marie

231 – Can’t force it. Just let it be.

Written by Marie on . Posted in Marriage, My Dominant Sir, Submission. No Comments on 231 – Can’t force it. Just let it be.

Sometimes you learn exactly what you are, and exactly how to act, and exactly why you do what you do. And sometimes that happens all on your own.

That’s what’s happened to me.

While i have been incredibly happy to submit, for years now, i know that David has not always been so receptive. In fact, sometimes if it weren’t for me FORCING our relationship into the box i wanted it to be (one of D/s or DD), D/s wouldn’t be a thing for us.

Don’t misunderstand, he has loved my submissiveness. He just hasn’t always liked the Dominant role i thrust him into.

In times where i have been absent from this blog is primarily the same times that i have given up on the whole idea and thought, “This is dumb!” The “Whole idea” being both about D/s AND this blog.

In times where we have been spot-on and doing/living the D/s dynamic, we are great. We are alive with newness and excitement, and we never fight. Because we don’t need to fight. Because we are exactly aligned. Which is exactly why i love the dynamic and living it too.

But if it’s forced, it’s not good.

i decided with the new year for 2022, i just wouldn’t. i wouldn’t fight for it or force it or try to make it to happen in any way. i haven’t pressured David to do what HE doesn’t want to, or that HE didn’t initiate.

While we’ve had a good 2022 in these many months, it’s been almost exclusively with a vanilla/normal relationship. It was as if the D/s dynamic just faded away until its just nothing more than a memory to talk about in a nostalgic way… like “remember when we used to….” type way.

The fact he doesn’t ever bring it up or talk about it, let alone act on it, and has told me that he’s just not that into it. So i have let it drop. Mostly.

It saddens me to NOT have it, but it is what it is. i can’t be submissive and force him to be a Dominate at the same time. He isn’t a puppet to just merely act the part that i have written the script for.

But i know who i am. And i am submissive.

To Him.

Only.

i have tried to pretend its not me, that it’s not who i am. i have tried to forget about it too, and act “normal”. But. i can’t. i can’t forget. And i realize MY normal is being a submissive.

i have come to realize all this all on my own. i can’t change him into what i want. He has to want it. But likewise, he can’t change me into what he wants me to be either.

What i know without a doubt = i am His submissive.

And i have decided to start acting it more than talking about it. i have also decided to stop trying to force him to act like he’s my Dom too. If or when he wants to, he will have an open door.

i decided to tell him all this today, much in the same way i just told you. i think it surprised him as i think he has assumed i was over it. i think he thought it was a fad for me. And now that we haven’t done it (lived or forced it to happen) for many months now, it was a long-ago-forgotten memory.

i don’t know what this means or how it will play out exactly. But what i do know is that he’s always been and always will be my Sir. And i will acknowledge and show him the respect that entails for as long as i live.

Maybe one day he will want to be my Dom all on his own too. In the meantime, i won’t force it, demand it, or try to just get it to happen. i will be the submissive wife i have proclaimed to be. And let the rest all be what it will be.

i don’t know what that means for this blog either. i will probably be here telling you about me and my side of the story, but … that’s pretty much what i have already done for more than 2-years too! So … probably no real changes there. Ha!

For the first time ever though, i am going to absolutely refuse to top-from-the-bottom now…. i always knew i was kind of doing this, but now i know it’s not ok.

i will say prayers that David decides to be my Dominant Husband, and not just my Vanilla Husband. But either way, i will be his submissive.

Hugs,

Marie

230 – Sir. SIR. SIR! And….. S-I-R!

Written by Marie on . Posted in My Dominant Sir, Submission. No Comments on 230 – Sir. SIR. SIR! And….. S-I-R!

Sometimes rules must be tailored to be a good fit for our relationship. Sometimes the fit is just perfect, but needs to be refreshed.

Saying “Sir” is one of those things for us! It is absolutely something that fits, but it is in need of refreshment.

Yet, somehow, over the years i have not always said it, nor has David always expected it. Or maybe he has always expected it, but never enforced it. i’m not entirely sure which.

Let me go back a minute and remind you (and myself) why i say Sir at all anyway…..

When i decided to look up the word’s definition, i found this:

Do you see the first sentence there? Used as a “respectful way of addressing a man, especially one in a position of authority.”

Sir is a term used a fair bit in the bdsm and d/s lifestyles and is used to refer to one’s dominant. The term is used to reference the power exchange, or imbalance as some would say, and it is there as well to denote a level of respect.

David is absolutely in a position of authority in my life. And he has every bit of power in our relationship. As well, i have said before there are times where i need to have a physical or tangible reminder of my submission (and his dominance). When i speak the word “Sir” it is a verbal word that also serves as a reminder for myself. So it seems that the word SIR is applicable in every way!

Me saying Sir has not been a new thing for us either. Saying Sir has been a thing for a longggggg time now. It was one of the first things we negotiated and one of the first things i ever wrote about.

Unfortunately though, when something isn’t spoken aloud (or enforced), it’s hard to know if the other even cares about it. And if it doesn’t seem important, pretty soon the habit is dropped. And pretty soon after that, it becomes a non-event altogether. i’d say this is true of anything in life really.

Anytime something isn’t practiced, it’s forgotten, which is pretty much the source of the phrase “use it or lose it.” You could pretty much say i lost it…. The muscle memory to say “Sir” has not been too much of a thing for us as of late.

Oh i have said it. Just not frequently. i have said it when i felt like it, but i wouldn’t say it was altogether frequently either. i have used it more like a treat or an extra special event. He hasn’t brought attention to its use or rather i should say lack of it’s use is more like it!

But that is changing now. The last couple of days, he has absolutely let me know in a passive-aggressive way but meant to make an impression all the same too, that saying SIR is something i should be doing far more than ithat have been.

Like today, he asked me a question and i just said, “no”. To which he said, “No….. what?!” and of course i knew he wanted the “Sir” and i spoke it aloud immediately.

And yesterday after i thanked him for helping me with something, he said, “want to say that properly?”

So i said, “thank you Sir.”

While he hasn’t exactly said that what i say (without Sir) was wrong, through that passive-aggressive way he’s now used, i know he thinks it is an incomplete response too.

The opposite has been true though too. When i get it right (and use the word Sir), he has made no comment about it, doesn’t praise it, or otherwise really make mention of it.

i think that’s because it is expected. Like anything expected, it doesn’t give rise to an occasion worthy of mention. For example, taking a shower or getting dressed or going to work or cooking dinner. Those are all normal activities. Those activities aren’t things that are specifically talked about or praised. Can you imagine saying, “oh good girl! You went to work today!” ? Uhm… no.

Using the same thought process, Sir has not said anything like, “oh wonderful Marie, you used the word Sir.” it just hasn’t been talked about.

Unfortunately i mistakenly assumed his lack of discussion about it as indication that it did not matter to him. Of course, his lack of punishment for NOT using it seemed to also give indication that he didn’t care about its use either. But again, i mistakenly assumed he did not care.

Today though, when he corrected me, i decided to ask about it. i told him much of what I have said here. i specifically said that i didn’t think he cared (anymore) about it as he hadn’t said anything about it until (of course) the most recent days.

To which he responded with one sentence, “The next time I have to correct you, your butt will feel it.”

“Yes SIR. Understood SIR.”

So while it may have been along time ago now that he first told me to use it, the applicability is still very much appropriate!

And because I never took exception to it in the first place, but rather simply grew lazy about it, i will use it frequently again as i have NO desire to feel the cane anytime too soon… or even later!

Of course, easier said than done. As even this first day has moved onward, David asked me to help in the kitchen and i said, “ok” and forgot the word S-I-R. i am fairly sure he didn’t hear me respond though, so i was “safe” for now. But i really have to stay in the moment for awhile and be intentional about this… at least until it becomes a regular thing again and the muscle memory is committed to memory again!

Hugs,

Marie

229 – Caned on Christmas!

Written by Marie on . Posted in Punishment, Spanking, Submission. 12 Comments on 229 – Caned on Christmas!

i think it’s been nearly a year ago that we bought a cane. When i say we, i really mean ME! i was fascinated by it and wanted to know what it felt like. i wanted to know if it was better, worse, or just different than the paddle.

i asked David if i could buy one and he agreed. If i remember correctly, his words were something like, “be careful what you wish for.” And i (naively) said, “challenge accepted!” and i was super excited and got a cane.

We used it a couple of times for pure fun. David discovered how silent it was. He threatened to use it on vacations or at other similar times where silence (or near silence) is necessary to spank me for discipline reasons. i say “he threatened,” because we have not taken it out of town with us, nor have i otherwise been disciplined with it…. ever… until today!

After feeling the cane the first time, i decided i liked it better than the paddle.

In terms of how it compares to the paddle, it is actually a bit of a similar feeling. i wouldn’t exactly call it pain, but rather a stinging feel. The biggest difference is the coverage of my ass. The cane is extremely localized as the cane itself is quite thin, compared to the paddle that pretty much covers my entire ass in one smack as it is just bigger.

To better describe the feel, the best analogy i can think of is that the paddle is like the stinging you feel when your foot falls asleep and then try to walk on it immediately after. When your foot falls asleep, it hurts to stand up on it as it feels like needles are stinging all over. Of course, when your foot wakes up, the stinging subsides and eventually stops. That’s where the analogy breaks down because with the paddle, the sting builds more and more rather than dissipating. Oh eventually it does dissipate, but that is (typically hours) later and only after the intensity had of course amped up, not immediately down.

To better describe the cane, it feels like a bee sting. It is localized and specific in the coverage, but the actual stinging feel is the same really.

That was at least how i thought of the cane….until today. Today, changed my opinion of it. As i realized that a for-fun caning and a for-discipline caning are NOT the same!

But i suppose that ultimately, until today, i did not respect the cane the way i should have. Now i do!

i now think i ultimately decided before that i liked the cane better because it takes longer to feel the sting all over because of the localized feel. It takes longer to feel the sting on the entire land space of my ass. (i don’t have a big ass, but when i describe the paddle and cane here, it sounds like my rear is ginormous!). But little stings can be super intense and super stingy (is that a word?) even without the coverage. And today, i felt the true cane’s impact.

SO WHAT HAPPENED ANYWAY?

Ok, alright…. i will tell you….

Today did not start out as the Merry Christmas it should have been! But the holiday is ending super well, so all’s well that ends well.

SO WHAT HAPPENED ALREADY?

Well… so… this morning David’s parents called his phone to wish us a Merry Christmas and thank us for the gifts we sent. He put the phone on speaker and started talking to my in-laws, whom i love and adore.

Well…. As they must’ve also been on their speaker phone, both of them started talking while David was too. They were having a lovely conversation wishing Merry Christmas’, thanking for the gifts we sent, and describing what else they also received. And i really had no opportunity to speak but i knew i should too.

When they asked about what i received (new clothes), David pushed me from behind onto my shoulder. If i had been standing, it would’ve been like he was pressing me forward but of course i was seated. Instead of me speaking and answering though, before i even knew it, they were saying other stuff and then soon after hanging up, where I said absolutely nothing. i never even wished them a Merry Christmas or said goodbye.

i didn’t intend to NOT speak at ALL to them, but i guess I didn’t really try too hard to speak either.

David IMMEDIATELY came around in front of me and was angry. He said, “THAT was incredibly rude! Go to the bedroom. N-O-W!”

i stuttered. i tried to start into an explanation about why i didn’t speak. But the same as my words to his parents never materialized, neither did my words to him! Not that he even cared then because of course, the time to speak had passed.

Instead of me speaking or him listening, he spoke. He said, “I don’t care W-H-Y you didn’t speak. You didn’t try hard enough. Not a single word came out. GO! NOW!”

He was angry! As you might think he would be!

He followed me to the bedroom. As i got undressed and into position (on the bed with a pillow under my hips raising my rear higher in the air, and my head-shoulders-arms on the bed), he went to get what i thought at the time was the paddle but i soon found out it was the cane.

Our son was in the house and this was the first time ever that he intended to spank me when our son would hear. The paddle is rather noisy, but then so am i too! But sound wouldn’t be a problem with the cane. There would be none, unless it was from my lips, which i refused to do and we both knew it.

You might would think i would be afraid…. i mean, David was angry! But i wasn’t afraid. i never am.

i KNOW David is a good man and will NEVER hurt me more than i deserve. He will never abuse his power of authority, but rather enforce it to the extent needed. And he is ALWAYS in control of himself. i have only ever, in 25-years of being with him, seen him out of control twice. And even then, he regained his composure about as quickly as he lost it.

As immediately as i was in position, i felt the thwack of the cane. i didn’t hear the swish sound in the air. Probably because i wasn’t listening or anticipating it. But i sure as hell felt it!

He swung the cane with ease, but in full control and with intention to cause pain and regret. It collided easily with my ass and i immediately knew David’s plan. i had never had a discipline spanking from the cane, but i was about to now!

He swung the cane the second time and it swished in the air. i heard it this time and one second later i felt it too.

Many times in a row, he moved it up and down my ass and the more i felt it hit my rear, the more pain i felt.

At first he didn’t speak, which made me even more unsettled and upset. That was when i started talking to explain why I didn’t speak, he then started to talk to me about how rude i had been. And that i shouldn’t have been. And that i knew better.

And He was right.

Thwack! Thwack!

i began to squirm unmercifully. My head/shoulders came up off the bed. He said, “Get back in position!” in a voice that was uncannily calm, which unsettled me further.

i did as i was told.

Swish, Thwack! Squish, Thwack!

i heard myself saying, “i can’t take anymore” in no time at all.

He said, “you know what you have to say for this to stop!”

“I’M SORRY SIR.”

Swish….

Thwack, Thwack, Thwack!

“i know i should have spoken. i just didn’t. They were talking. You were talking. And i didn’t try hard enough. i am so sorry Sir.”

“Will this ever happen again?”

Thwack!!!

“NO SIR!”

Thwack!

“Are you sure?”

“YES SIR!”

Thwack! Thwack!

“Done. I believe you are remorseful. You are now done.“

He pulled me upright and he kissed me. He told me he loved me. And then said, “now let’s go get ready for Christmas lunch. Merry Christmas!”

And almost like it was on cue, my sister and her family walked into our house (the front door, not my bedroom door), our son came down the stairs, David went back to finishing our meal, and the merriment truly began.

i struggled to act completely “normal” as i greeted her family, but thankfully the holiday activities quickly provided a natural diversion. We started to open presents, and talk, all while my ass was stinging so badly and i just wanted the heat to dissipate!

i opened my presents standing up. i was able to make it look natural as my presents were on the coffee table too.

Only one other reference was made to the situation or the spanking the rest of the day when David quietly asked me one time when it was just he and i, “how are you feeling?”

i knew he was meaning to ask about my ass. I said, “sore. But it’s ok. It was needed.”

And he said, “and you accepted it like a good girl.”

i NEVER want to feel the cane again as a discipline. And i’m pretty certain David knows that now too, which makes me sure the cane will be his go-to punishment spanking implement now.

i had COMPLETELY underestimated the power of the cane! Never again!

My rear end has been sore all day, as a constant reminder of my submission. And while i don’t want to repeat that event ever, i am happy.

My day, my family, and my gifts were all wonderful. Including the gift of my husband teaching me a lesson i needed to learn. And of course, the gift of Jesus being the best of all!

Merry Christmas!

Hugs,

Marie