i mentioned in the last post about Topping-from-the-Bottom. i want to talk more about that now…
First, what is it?
Next, why would anyone do it?
Last, why did i do it?
So let’s start with “what is it?”
Pure and simple, it is a submissive (a bottom) telling a a dominant (a top) how to do their job. Think of it like “a backseat driver”, where the sub isn’t driving but tells the Dom, who is driving, how to do it.
And why would anyone do it?
Well, i never set out to do it. i seriously doubt any submissive does. It just did. It just happened. To a large degree, it happened subconsciously actually. And even when i did realize it, i justified it.
i said stuff like, “how else would he know how i feel if i don’t tell him?” And “he doesn’t know my limits or what i like or don’t, if i don’t speak up.”
While those things are absolutely true, the problem comes when i stop telling him how i feel or about what i like (or don’t like), and begin telling him what he should do or not do with that information.
While not trying to justify it at all, i’d tell you that the latter part (telling him what to do or not), just came as a side effect of the first part. First i would say “i would like xyz.” Then it expanded into, “you know, you could do that right now.” And further moved into, “if you want to see how i will respond, let’s do it now and we can test how far it can go.” And ultimately ended with, “that was nice… let’s do it again tomorrow.” So in effect, i ended up telling him how to do his job, instead of letting him decide what to do (if anything) with that information.
So while it was a suggestion of what he should do, it ended up being more of a command or an order too!
Exactly why did i do it?
Well, as i said before, it was unintentional. i thought since this whole D/s relationship with DD was my idea, that i should tell him about some of the things he could or should do, how to keep me in line, and how to be Dominant. What i didn’t really stop to think about was that maybe he has ideas of his own, and my ideas are … well… irrelevant.
B-U-T …. Now…… things have to change….
This morning, i played out an entire scenario in my head. In the past, i would have acted on it and told David. Today though, i am opting to tell you instead of him. Because while i want to break myself of the nasty habit of being a topper, i need to tell someone what i’d love to tell him! Tag, you are IT!
So yesterday i told you that i told him about how i will always be his submissive wife, regardless if he is my Dominant husband or just my Vanilla husband. His response was a bit of surprise, and then it seemed he forgot about it. i somehow doubt he did actually forget, but he didn’t outwardly tell me he was still thinking about it either.
So as i was dressing this morning, i “imagined” a scenario that i really wanted to happen.
i really wanted him to hold me accountable. i wanted to tell him to hold me accountable. But i did not. i know i can’t. i know if or when the time is right, he will act on his own free will.
But if i could telepathically send subliminal messages to him… i just may try!
It all started as i was drying my hair. In the nude. Like i do daily already. i get my hair all done and set. Then i dress.
i went to the closet and picked a dress. i did not put on a bra, as i (mostly) never do. But i did put on a thong pair of panties, which i know he does not care for.
That’s when i started to dream up what could happen next…..
i imagined him coming into the bathroom and pulling my dress up, to feel what belongs to him, and finding it covered with panties. And him saying, “So being my submissive wife doesn’t include panties. Right?”
“Then why am I finding these here?”
“i didn’t think you’d notice…. [or care enough to go looking…. And if you did look, you wouldn’t call me out on it.]”
“While you may think I don’t care, you would be wrong. Go lie on the bed and get into position. It’s been a very long time and way overdue, but you do indeed need to be reminded about what a good submissive for me looks like,” he said [in my thoughts].
He continued, “Don’t take anything off, including the shoes. Just get into position and I’ll do the rest.”
i heard the drawer opening. i knew the paddle was being pulled out. It hasn’t left it’s space in so many months, i was equal parts fearful of the pain i was about to feel and excited about being reacquainted with it.
He pulled my dress up over my ass and flopped it onto my back, partially covering my head. He laid the paddle on my ass, even with the thong still on and lying between me and the paddle.
In continuous and smooth succession motions, he proceeded to deliver 10-tight, hard, and intentional swats to my ass. While my ass was so quickly feeling the sting, i think it was the shock to my mind that was more intense than the physical spanking was. When he was done, he laid the paddle back on my ass and told me not to move. i was grateful to be able to lay there another minute and just breathe. Just take it all in.
He went to the bathroom, i heard drawers opening and closing, and he returned. He said, “up on all 4’s now. Spread your legs and let me see your ass.”
i did as i was told. That’s when i felt his finger loop underneath my thong panties and pull them to the side, and the tip of the anal plug press at that opening.
He asked me, “are you really ready to renter the world of submission?”
i told him, “i have never left Sir.”
And in one swift motion, he pressed the plug all the way in deep. And i heard him speak a single word, “Good!” as he did pressed it in place.
i haven’t worn a plug in as many months either, so it was a tight fit. He let go of my panties, threw my dress back down into place, and sat me upright. His hand came to my chin and said, “that’s my good girl. Remember who you belong to. And this time, don’t tell me how to do my job. Off you go to work now!”
When i smiled at him, he smiled back and leaned in and kissed me.
All was right in my world…..
Until i realized or came to terms with the fact that all that was in my head and none of that was reality.
Instead, i finished getting dressed and packed up to leave for work. As i was heading out the door, i greeted him and said i was off to work, and he said, “have a great day. I love you!”
i know he does. And because i also love him, i told him so, but i didn’t tell him anything about my fantasy imagination of what may-have-been this morning. (In the past i would have!).
So at this moment, he has no idea of what is (or not) on my body under this dress. He has no idea that i am braless, as he desires. But that i do have a thong on, as the way he does NOT desire. While i did not wear a plug to work, he doesn’t know i even thought about it. He doesn’t know what went on in my head today. And i won’t tell him either, unless of course, he asks…… Which, unless my telepathic connection improves dramatically, is not too likely either.
One day at a time. Letting him be him and me be me is where i need to rest and allow it to unfold as it should…. Not as i want it to be.
And maybe one day, i won’t be a top-from-the -bottom submissive but just a submissive. And he will be a top-as-he-wants-to Dom – vanilla or otherwise! Until then, my fantasies will continue in my head and on this blog….
(No, i am not upset about any of this being my current reality…. Life is too short to feel sad/guilt/sorrow. i enjoy it as it comes, and you should too! And while i can’t deny that i would much prefer to be on the same page with David – in a D/s relationship – forcing it only goes so far and only works for so long. Time will tell where this goes, but what i do know is we have been together for 25+ years at this point and that will continue!)