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157 – The Party on Saturday night

Written by Marie on . Posted in Uncategorized. No Comments on 157 – The Party on Saturday night

This past Saturday we had my co-workers over to our house for a Christmas party. (Please NO comments about covid, a group gathering, masks, etc… it was my choice to invite them, they all knew the numbers AND the people who were invited AND the risk…. and yet they came anyway. Choices matter.)

Anytime we have hosted any party, ever, i get super stressed beforehand. i tend to worry about getting things made just “perfect”.. having enough food, the lay out of where to set things, enough chairs, the dogs bothering people, people mixing/mingling and having a good time.

i love the idea of hosting a party…. and we do an amazing job of it…. but … i tend to not actually enjoy any of it because i am too busy worrying, stressing, and scurrying around that i (mentally) miss most of it.

And David hates it. Not the party itself, but the way i freak out. Which usually causes us to bicker, snap at one another, or even fight beforehand.

i know i do it and i know he hates it. But i can’t control it either.

Well… i talked to David about it early-early on Saturday morning. And he happened to say, “so what can we do to change that outcome?”

This is the single question that has triggered the idea and ultimate discussion about me opening up my creative mind and telling him, “if i were in charge….”.

So i thought about it, and that’s when he was headed out to play a few holes of golf, and he said to text him my answer.

This is what i texted to him then:

As i think about your question and what we could do about me stressing out today, i hear an entire conversation in my head between us. I’ll share it with you now.

You say to me, “every time we have an event, you tend to get stressed, think you have to take over and be in charge, and you get bossy. You think that you can control the outcome of the party by controlling all aspects of it. I’ve never liked it and this time we are going to do it differently.”

You continued, “Today… we will be doing a lot of maintenance. Every hour, I will set a timer to go off at the top of the hour. When it goes off, you will immediately and without question, go to the bedroom and assume the position.

That’s when I will come in and spank you. You should expect that it WILL hurt! Every time!

I will give you 20-swats at each session. There will be no warm up. And between each one you will count and say ‘One Sir. Thank you Sir.’ And when we get to 20, we will be done until the next hour. Do you understand?”

Me, “yes Sir. How many hours will we do this?”

You, “until I decide you’ve learned how to not be bossy.”

You, “Additionally, please know that you will NOT be sexually touched or get to cum today. This is long overdue maintenance and intended to put myself in charge and you to submit. Not for you to be pleasured.”

“Finally, you will make a butt plug ready for me to insert. I intend to put it in at some point near the end of the maintenance sessions but you may end up being spanked with it in at some point as well. And you will likely wear it through the end of the party as a constant reminder that you are NOT to be bossy at any point!”

Me: Yes Sir. Thank you for your leadership and taking the time to spank me today.

After writing that to him, i waited for a response.

His only words back were, “I like that.”

Now what REALLY happened was…….

When David got home from golf a bit later, i was busy putting out plates, silverware, and the like, when he said, “let’s start that maintenance now. Go Assume the Position and I will be there in a bit.”

Me: Yes Sir. And i did.

That position he always wants me in to be spanked is….

– No clothes (at all), feet on the floor, spread shoulder width apart, bent over onto the bed from the waist up,

– head facing the bed or a pillow, palms facing down onto the bed, and with my arms laying up above my head,

– most importantly – the paddle resting in the small of my back.

As the way our bed sits, my back is then to the door. i hear the door open, but i can not see it or him. But i know he’s there.

His words upon seeing me in position were, “Now that’s my good girl! Exactly the way things are supposed to be.”

Because he is still in control and my Sir, he didn’t spank me the way i described above in the text. Instead, he did some small “love pats,” or warm-up swats. i received around 50 of them. While a few were slightly more powerful, not even one had any real force behind it. That said, the sting was felt and definitely made the impact Sir was seeking for it to do. It achieved the goal in no time at all.

The sting of the paddle hitting the same (general) area 50-times starts to build and it turns my butt very hot and very red. But these types of swats usually do not cause ANY bruising whatsoever, and is very impactful (mentally AND physically!)

While giving me this spanking, he did not make me count. Rather the opposite. He talked to me………

He said, “You don’t need to stress.” (Smack).

“You know it does nothing useful.” (Smack).

“You aren’t in control, I am.” (Smack).

“You need to trust that I am in control too.” (Smack).

“For the rest of the day, if you are stressing out, you need to stop and breathe. And slow yourself down.” (Smack).

“If I see you stressing today, I am going to first give you a warning. I suggest you heed it.” (Smack).

“Because if you start to stress today, or tonight at this party, and you don’t get yourself under control, I will assert my control instead and get you under control myself.” (Smack).

“We both know this is effective. Don’t we??” (Smack)

[i responded. “Yes Sir.]

“I will make you come to the bedroom and we will repeat this as much as is needed.” (Smack).

“Don’t even think of testing me, because I WILL do it all day long and even tonight with guests in our home.” (Smack)

“You wouldn’t want your co-workers to wonder why you’ve disappeared and hear the paddle falling on your ass, would you?” (Smack)

“I will spank you all afternoon and night in order to make you slow down and regain your composure if i need to, but i believe this preemptive discussion will curb most of that behavior.” (Smack, SMACK)

“Don’t you think so too?” (Smack… smack… SMACK!)

Me: Yes Sir. Thank you Sir.

So while turning my ass a bright red, getting very warm to the touch, and talking aloud to me, i heard his message loud and clear.

i didn’t receive another spanking all day… or night! Thank Goodness. Because while he hasn’t actually done anything “Dom-like” in front of others, so i don’t know if he would have spanked DURING the party for all to hear, i feel like testing him on this isn’t a wise-move either!

i did receive a verbal warning at one point in the afternoon though. He said, “I’m detecting stress in your voice. Is that an accurate assessment??”

i hadn’t even noticed it, but his words weren’t lost on me. And he was right! i took a deep breath, exhaled slowly and said, “Yes Sir.”

He said, “Are you able to change that on your own?”

And i said, “i believe so.”

To which he responded, “Good Girl.”

And i did. And we were both pleased!

So while i started out in the morning telling him how i wanted him to dominate me, he did an even better job of taking my ideas and implementing the parts that he felt were needed and tailoring it to him!

This is an example of how i think we will operate in the coming days with me speaking up about how he could or should treat (dominate) me and how i should respond (submit).

By the way… the party was amazing. We had a great time! People were smiling and laughing and ……..happy. Something i haven’t seen a lot of this year.

We all need to find something good in 2020 or at least to be happy about, even if it’s simply that the 2020 year is coming to an end!

And for some of us, finding the happy is a real struggle! i get it. The last 6’ish weeks have been a real struggle and David/i have had more disagreements than we’ve had in several years combined!

But maybe we are turning it around and ending the year on a good and happy note. Scratch the word maybe in that last sentence. We ARE ending the year positively. i hope you can too!

Hugs,

Marie

156 – The Big NO-NO!

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In DD or D/s relationships, there aren’t many “official” rules…. it’s what you make it. But just like a traditional relationship, there are a few unwritten rules that are generally followed by most people in the practice too.

And if or when you break a Cardinal Rule, and you blog about it, you should fully expect to be called out on it too. (Ok, so maybe the blogging and being called out part is just applicable to me….. and i am A-ok with that!)

What is this big No-No i am speaking specifically about?

TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM. Or said more plainly, telling your Dominant how to be Dominant. Or even just telling your Dom what to do at all.

Submissives are expected to…. well….. submit. We are NOT in charge. So telling my Sir how or when or what to do is…. a BIG NO-NO!

That is THE Cardinal Rule that David & i talked about yesterday. But we decided to change the rules. We have agreed to intentionally break this rule.

i have permission to TOP FROM THE BOTTOM. For awhile. Temporarily. And just exactly how long? i don’t really know. At this point, i am assuming it will be, “Until told otherwise.”

So we have changed our DD or D/s relationship dynamic to refresh, renew, and update it. For awhile anyway.

There are so many questions running through my head, and maybe yours too… like: why, how will that work, are you still the submissive or are you switching, what is the goal, and and and……. ok, slow down. Let’s take these one at a time……

W-H-Y?

Primarily because we have been in a funk. Our DD just hasn’t been working as intended. It needs a tune-up. Just like anything in life, it works …. until it doesn’t. Take your car for example. It runs well when you keep it well oiled, lubed, maintained. (So talking about oiled and lubed gets me all wet down there.. but i digress!). But the minute you don’t do those things, it falls apart and requires a major overhaul.

That’s about where we’ve been, in need of a major overhaul. And this is our immediate solution.

Additionally, David has known for a very long time that my mind is more creative than his. He is a very straightforward and “what you see is what you get” kinda person. NO, he is NOT dumb or a robot or anything that bad …. he does have a brain and he knows how to use it. But he is a very firm and solid Type A person. Whereas i am a mostly Type A, but also have some Type B creativity also.

So because of my creative mind, over the couple of years of doing DD, i have made many suggestions of things we should do or could implement into our dynamic. (i was the one to ask for this dynamic and to be spanked from the start.). And as such, some have told me, that i TOP FROM THE BOTTOM… and frankly, to an extent, i would agree. But now, i have permission to do it intentionally too!

H-O-W WILL THAT WORK?

So i talked to David about this. i told him i struggle with this. That i struggle in my ability to not tell him how to do his job. And sometimes i feel like i fail (to keep my mouth shut) and/or he fails (to Dominate me effectively)…. which then makes me feel like i fail all over again (to submit to his leadership.. even if i think it’s not quite 100%). Ultimately… it mostly leads to me feeling a lot of failure. And i don’t like that feeling.

i have SO many thoughts in my head about how he can be a better Dom, enforce our Dynamic more, and it would keep us from sliding so far away from how we want to be. And if he did these things, i would submit even more and even better… and we would not have failure or backsliding or fights. Or at least not as much.

i literally said, “But i know i am the submissive and telling my Dom what to do is…. A BIG NO-NO.”

He said, “well, I can see why you feel this way, but remember that ultimately I make the rules and I am now telling you that I want to know more of what is in your head … at least for awhile. I want you to tell me, out loud (not in text), at the moment it applies, how you think I should respond to a situation. I may not do exactly what you say or want me too, because I am ultimately in charge.”

He continued, “But never forget that I am ultimately still your Dom and you will always be my submissive. You are not dominating me, and as such you don’t ever get to discipline me. I am still in control. You can tell me what’s in your head about how you think I should treat or say or discipline you. And I want you to tell me what you think at the time you think it… uncensored. I may just implement your words or thoughts, but I may not. You need to respect that.”

Me: Yes Sir.

W-H-O is the DOM now??

He went on a bit further to say, “I expect your thoughts mostly call for me to be stricter with you. So you should prepare yourself for that inevitable end. I fully expect I will likely implement your ideas at that very moment. And you may not like it.”

Me: “It sounds like i will be switching from submissive to dominant… on myself. I will be co-dominating me with you for a bit.”

(Does this make me the little i or now the Big I? Nah… i will always be the little i…. i know i am a submissive at heart. Just helping my Dom know my limits, know how strict is too strict, how strict isn’t enough? But i won’t be the Big I at all.)

Him: “in a sense that is exactly what will happen. But remember that in the end, I am still your ultimate dominant and your ideas – or switching from sub to Dom – is just that…. an idea. Unless I decide it is something to implement now.”

He then said, “but it will help me to better know what you think would be a good solution to a problem or what your limits truly are.“

W-H-A-T is the ultimate goal?

In essence, we will have a lot better communication. If i am more or less required to tell him how i think, at the time i think it, we will have a lot more communication. David will have a much better understanding of what i think is a successful Dom, and what i will respond to best.

If David knows what i respond to best, he will be a better Dom and i would also be a better submissive.

i am a bit worried though…. will i be creating and molding him into what I want or what he wants? Will my switching lead to me being an island of one? Will I just have a split personality and start submitting to myself? Will he become that robot that i push the buttons and he does as i say?

i don’t think so.

i think we will be better than ever… and always together. But time will tell.

Now i am off to find some sexy Non-blanket-Winter covering to wear to bed! (i have Dom ideas of what he should say to me about this too…. next post!)

Hugs,

Marie

155 – Reflections. Resetting. And Communication is Key.

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In the last post that i wrote about Winter being Hard, i more or less told you how i don’t deal well with the cold… mentally and how it is soooo hard for me to not just live under a blanket! (Good thing i live in Texas and not North Dakota! Or Canada! Or Russia!)

At the same time, i woke up (yesterday) to find another glitch of this site had caused my original post about Intentional Dependence was back in draft and not actually posted. Well, in order to post it again (and see if it was complete or not), i re-read much of that post prior to re-posting it.

It was interesting to reflect on that post about dependence because i had talked about being dependent upon David to make decisions and lead our family….. compared to as of late, we are in a funk and not quite our normal selves. And i realized how far i have slipped away from being “intentionally dependent” upon him to lead us.

And yes, when i talk about our “normal” selves, i am referring to our Domestic Discipline (DD) way of doing things. i am well aware that most people, including many of you reading my blog, do not do DD or have it as part of your normal life. But we do. And when it is used correctly, it works very well for us.

DD includes me being spanked. For both discipline and maintenance. The maintenance is preemptive, while the discipline is responsive. Both ultimately serve to reinforce and remind me that i am not in control. And my role in our marriage is NOT to be in control, but instead to follow. To submit. i don’t like being spanked. What i do like is the control that i give up and the power i pass over, and how anyone willing to submit to being spanked is humbled and having a real display of submissiveness. THAT is what i like.

But when we drift away from our normal ways, we struggle. And we get into disagreements and sometimes flat out… fights. Yet, when we are in our normal ways and doing what we know works, we don’t fight. Because it is clear who makes decisions and who submits… always.

So when i re-read that post about being Intentionally Dependent, one that i wrote when we were on solid daily DD ground, i saw how far from our DD ways we have gotten. In a very short time too! Drifting away from our normal ways sometimes happens without us quite realizing it. Kind of like when you drift along in the warm waves of the ocean. You look up and realize you’ve moved down the beach 50 yards from where you started. You can still see your staked out spot on the beach, but you’ve moved a long way from it too. You recognize where you should be, but you also see how far from it you suddenly moved.

And just like the beach, i can see where we moved to and yet, know we have to work extra hard to move back against the waves and the natural flow of the water to get back to where we want to be. Which can be exhausting really, but failure is not an option. We have to get back to normal to get our marriage back on solid ground and not drifting any which way the wind and waves take us. (Is it a surprise that i am talking about the beach when it is Winter? If i think warm thoughts, maybe i will become warm too!)

So how exactly do we do that….. how do i have “Intentional Dependence”, how is he responsible for me, and how do we get it back?

Well first is obviously looking up to see we are off course and being committed to getting it back.

But for me, part of what makes our DD ways work is the reinforcement. Having David do his part to enforce the rules, enforce the spankings, as well as praise for doing well.

i said in that post that i am still fully responsible for myself… and i am. But there’s a certain amount of responsibility that David has assumed as Head of our Household (HoH) and like the President, there are no days off. You don’t get to say, “today I’m not going to be President and I’ll pass that off to someone else today”, so is the same in our house. David doesn’t get to NOT lead us. And even more, the President gets re-elected (or not) every 4-years, whereas we aren’t changing this ….ever. More like a King or Monarchy, i suppose, that sill reign until death! (Will Queen Elizabeth ever die? Or if she does, will it be before or after Prince Charles? One does wonder about these things…)

So while it’s true, Winter is Hard, it’s not impossible. But when we just want a break from leading… or submitting… what do we do? How do we get it back? How do we get back up the beach to the spot we know we need to be at?

The short answer is… very carefully!

But you have to be willing to try. And if you fail, you try again. And if you can’t succeed even then, you talk about it. Communication is the key to solving so many problems. But you have to be willing to try to do that also!

Soooooooooo…………..

i have been trying to since mid-Nov to turn things around with me and David. And while it’s slow (patience is needed!), i see progress in the right direction!

What has happened lately? (Yeah… i know i haven’t been here much “lately”…. i honestly HAD to focus on me and David and well…. draw back on something and blogging was “it”).

i’ve focused really hard on trying to be the best submissive wife i can possibly be! And NO, i have NOT always succeeded! And yet, even without complete success, the fights (and even disagreements), have sincerely subsided.

i intend to share some of my particularly recent successes AND failures in the next few posts. But i will give you one example here….

This morning after leaving for work, i texted David. i told him, “i should talk in person, but i just couldn’t bear to see your face when i asked, “Do you like being in control?”

His response, “W-H-Y are you asking this?”

My answer, “Because maybe we have fallen away from our DD ways because maybe you don’t really want to be in control.”

His answer, “you are over analyzing things and you need to stop.”

i said, “could you please humor me and answer my question?”

And he said, “YES I do like being in control. You will never dominate me.”

And i said, “ok, let’s talk more in person about how i feel that lately i top from the bottom.”

And we did. We talked tonight.

But i will tell you that part tomorrow…. along with answering what i left open-ended in the Winter Is Hard ending also.

Hugs,

Marie

143 – Intentional Dependence

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This post was made awhile ago. i woke up today to find it in my “drafts” instead of the “posts”. So…. one more technical problem. Sorry! But now that it has happened twice, i know what the problem is… i just have to determine how to fix it.

SO IF YOU READ THIS BEFORE, YOU CAN STOP NOW. OR… RE-READ FOR A REFRESHER. YOUR CHOICE…..

The last post (#142 Toughest Part) ended with me posing this question, also from a reader who emailed me…….

Why would i want to be dependent on my husband and how does he take on this responsibility without effectively having to become my parent?

This is a great question. It happens to be two questions wrapped into one. i think the first part (why would i want to be [that] dependent on my husband) is about me, but the second part (Responsibility….Without him having to become my parent) is about him.

The first part…. about ME.

(i like talking about ME! But don’t think i am that arrogant. It’s mostly because i know who i am. Whereas when i talk about others, i have to speculate about their intentions or thoughts. So it’s just easier to talk about me!)

Dependent upon my husband….. i happen to think every good marriage should be this way! Dependent upon one another. D/s or not!

If you don’t depend on one another, you don’t meld and bond. Like how a welder makes two things become one. The bond is stronger after he/she welds them together.

My nephew took a welding class in high school as an elective. When they had a project, the pass/fail test was to drop the “thing” on the floor. If it broke apart, it didn’t result in a good grade. If it stayed together, it was a passing grade. And how well it stayed together, fully or partially, determined how good the grade ultimately was.

Isn’t a marriage that way? If it falls and breaks, it is bound to fail. But if it falls, but holds together, that’s a sign of success! The key though isn’t to focus on the falling part, but the bond that holds it together in the first place. The stronger the bond, the stronger the two pieces welded together…. and a marriage too.

Which ultimately means…… when the two things depend upon one another they form a bond that is actually stronger together than apart. So from a submissive standpoint, i’d actually say being dependent upon my husband is critical and vice versa too.

Now that’s the result of being dependent… a stronger bond. But what dependence means is giving up control. Giving up the ability to say what i want, when i want, to whom i want. And not just speaking, but doing also.

It does NOT mean though that i am some robot and my remote control is in his hands. i still very much think on my own and make decisions! It just means i gain approval and authority for “big stuff” (or anything we previously agreed would be in his purview) before moving forward with my plan.

For example, i know that David loves to cook and he loves me to be home by 6 for dinner. If i want to go out to happy hour/dinner with friends, i have to ask first. But it’s not like he will (probably) say no. i mostly ask out of courtesy and respect. What if he already planned dinner, went to the store for the necessities, and had it half cooked when i just “announced” i wasn’t going to be home for dinner at all? That’s just rude. And inconsiderate. So…. i ask permission first rather than telling him. And when i ask, i am fully aware the answer may be “no.” And if it is no, i tell my co-workers that i’m not able to attend. i don’t have to give an explanation as to “why”, but if i do say why, it’s never derogatory about or towards David. i never say things like, “He won’t allow me to go.”

So ultimately why i want to be dependent upon him, is because i want to meld together with my husband that ultimately builds a stronger bond.

Which makes ME think the opposite… why wouldn’t you want to be dependent upon your spouse?

And that brings me to the second part…. how does he take on this responsibility without effectively having to become my parent?

We are each our own person. He is not “responsible” for me, i am! i am still responsible to dress, eat, work, abide by laws, and … well…. be responsible for me.

He is, however, the guiding light. He is the one to make final decisions. He is the one who should be in charge.

So he is not my parent, but rather the “head of household”. Just like there is one chief of the Indians, one Queen of the Royal Family, one President of the United States, and so on… there is but one Head of Household. And that’s not me. And i readily accepted my “second” in command as Vice President or Second in command.

We work best when only one of us are making decisions, and the other is following.

So ultimately he is not a parent to me anymore than the President is my parent. And yet, the President makes decisions and signs into law things that i abide by.

The difference between David and the President is David makes decisions that have a direct, literal, and VERY close-to-my-heart impact.

Now all that said, David does sometimes slip, not lead, or not be responsible. Because he’s sick, tired, worn out, or… stressed and depressed. No one acts the exact same way every day. And…. it’s ok.

But admittedly those are the times when our house doesn’t run as smoothly. We tend to have more troubles in our marriage and life when he is “off” than when he is “on.”

But…. that’s when we have to communicate even more, i have to try even more to be the best submissive i can be, and to be patient to get through those times as smoothly as possible.

And trust in our melded …. and welded…. marriage and lifestyle.

Hugs,

Marie

154 – Winter is hard

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Winter is Hard….. to feel sexy…. for SO many reasons.

1) Darkness. Whoever invented Day Light Savings (DST) Time was a genius. (DST is the time we have during the summer… when we “fall back” we go back to “Standard time” (ST)). But the person who thought switching it back to ST was idiotic.

It gets too dark too quick. i get nothing done after work. i feel like all i do is work. It gets light about the time to go to work, and dark shortly after getting home.

i read an interesting article from the Farmer’s Almanac dispelling the myth that Farmers started it all! They actually are the biggest opponents to it and argue against it as much as possible! They say the sun dictates their day, not the hour on the clock. The sun tells the crops when to grow and the animals when to wake and eat.

So of course when all i do is “work,” i feel tired and ready for bed. Which means… i am NOT ready for ANY sexual activity.

i would vote in favor of DST year round! Just saying!

2) Holidays galore. i LOVE Halloween and Thanksgiving, but especially Christmas. It is the only holiday that we all decorate our houses inside and out, we greet one another with something other than “hello” and “goodbye” (typically Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays), and everyone gets a gift . And let’s not forget the parties or special events (concerts, theater productions, etc) that are themed and timed all around these particular dates.

Now don’t get onto me about the words “all” and “everyone”, because i recognize not all decorate or that not everyone gets a gift. But… more do than don’t. So meaning, there is no other holiday where even half the people on any given street would decorate the outside of their house, and especially no other holiday with lights too. And no other holiday where we all get gifts, unlike your birthday where it’s just you, or mother’s/Father’s Day where it is just that sex. So it becomes a festive and (literally) bright holiday.

But…. all these festivities require more things be added to the to-do list too. And that means more “work” has to be done to prepare for all this fun and festivity. So we already have fewer daylight hours and now we have more to do in them!

3) allergies and head colds set in. i have been battling this for a week now. My head hurts all the time from a too-stopped-up or a won’t-stop-running nose. That is wearing me down for sure.

But… it gets dark early, soooooo…. off to bed for me! [ALWAYS ways to find the positive!]

4) But the biggest and most primary reason of all that Winter is Hard to be sexy…..We have SO many clothes on!

i’ve experimented with No Clothes on in the house. It was hard to do in the summer for my own modesty (self consciousness) and our teen son in the house. But NOW… because i would be shivering all day everyday. In fact, i have on more clothes now than i did then.

SO WHAT TO DO?

So how to change these negative trends? How do you combat the “winter blah” and still look, feel, and act sexy… to keep the marriage sparks flaming?!

Good question. Glad you asked. Oh wait.. i asked YOU! i want to know…. what do YOU do to stay sexy in the winter-blah months?

i’ve been absent from here lately (and i know you know and i am grateful to those that have asked me about it …. knowing someone cares is sexy all by itself)…… but….. i think it’s time to come back. To embrace the un-sexy part of winter.

You tell me today what you do… and i will tell you tomorrow what i do! Deal? Ok then… give me a comment below then!

Hugs,

Marie