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Tag: submission

72 – Memoir 1…. where did we start…in this D/s-DD relationship.

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So here is me about to truly expose myself… ok, NO you aren’t going to SEE a picture of me, but you’ll likely see my soul in this post! But all that i have to say may take a few of these posts, so i’ll call this “Memoir 1” and i’m sure you’ll recognize when i get to the end.

i’ve been asked many times “how exactly did you find this lifestyle” and “how did you get started” and “who initiated this” and every combo of those questions imaginable.

My entire life has held a series of “suppressed sexual encounters”… as i’ve posted about some before already. But i never embraced it… “it” being the kinky/hot sex…. i never let it define me, i never owned it, or let ME be ok with it! Instead… i suppressed it, called it dirty, and sinful. Made excuses that “when that happened, i was (young, drunk, stupid, … fill in the blank). And basically i tried to believe i had been a bad girl then and was only a good girl when i was doing traditional, missionary, vanilla sex. And i tried to say “THIS is how God wants me to be! (Good …with vanilla sex with just my husband and no one else … ever again!)”

And it was boring.

To the point that David and i barely had any sexual encounters at all. We didn’t know how to really talk about it either. So we both ignored it. Basically acted like it didn’t matter…. but it did!

We successfully had a kid after a lot of help from infertility docs, so even getting PG was a “clinical” process! And then no other kids/siblings because i just wasn’t up for more “clinical” sex or procedures.

And when our kid was 7, David and i celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary. So we endured a lot of superficial communications and very little sex… and when we did have sex… it was boring. (Have i said how boring it was?! Neither of us had “fun” or “got off”. We both were just going through the motions…. like “good boys and girls” do!)

About 4’ish months after our anniversary, David had been out of town for work (which was a lot back then) and i was washing clothes. When i took the clothes out of the dryer……

Two movie tickets stubs fell out.

Contagion.

R-rated movie.

It wasn’t with me.

When i looked at the calendar, it was…

On a Monday night.

A night that he had told me he was out of town.

i went online to United trips and he was NOT out of town.

And i was in shock.

i texted him, “who did you go to see Contagion with on that Monday night??”

And i stared at my phone both wanting an answer… and not.

What came back was, “why?”

i said, “I deserve to know! Is it someone I know? Is it someone you love? Is it someone you want to be with?”

And he responded with, “Yes. Yes. No, because I love you.”

I texted him back, “make up your mind by the time you land tonight at 6. I’ll be waiting. Our son will be at my bff’s. Don’t text or call me until I see you.”

And he proceeded to blow up my phone …. to which i read, but didn’t respond…. begging mercy, telling me how much he loves me, he wants a better marriage, he wants to be with me, he wishes he hadn’t done it, blah, blah, blah….. i refused to answer it.

i sat on the couch… as the sun went down… and waited. And cried. And was heart broken, angry, sad, cried, hated AND loved him. and had NO idea what to do.

When he walked in, i had already taken our son away for the night, and the first words he said were, “we are not sexually compatible.”

There was clearly a “contagion” in our house alright…. i just wasn’t sure where or when the source originated exactly, how to eradicate it, or how to become immune to it! or if i just wanted to let it kill “us” (“us being our marriage) and be done with him.

i knew her…. very well…. in fact, i thought she was a friend. And he proceeded to tell me they had been together for a FULL YEAR.

Timeout….. if you think “every woman knows”, i am living proof … they don’t! Maybe they should, but they don’t! Oh i knew we weren’t great, but i thought this was how marriage was supposed to be…. kinda boring, but comfortable and easy …..but i never thought this was what we had become.

That’s when i asked him if he wanted a Divorce. He said, “No. I want change.”

And what came next…. you’d NEVER guess….. and NO, it wasn’t DD.

Everything i am talking about here happened 8-years ago. We only discovered DD 2-years ago….. so guess again…..

And i’ll leave you right THERE…. on the edge.... kinda like i am right now…. i mean, i just HAVE to share this frustrating experience with you too!! ……. (see last post – 21 times to change a habit if you haven’t already).

And speaking of edging…. this is Day 2…. and i am getting incredibly frustrated. David made me watch a 30-minute porn video last night and said i could start and stop as much i needed to, but i was to watch the entire thing while edging. And of course, NO orgasm. I barely succeeded!

And to add to it, today he texted me, “are you horny little girl?? Have you been a good girl??”

Yes Sir! To both……

Hugs,

Marie

70 – insecurity and reassurance needed

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If you think i am confident in my own skin, lifestyle, and person… you are mostly right, but like everyone, sometimes doubt creeps in and i question everything. Okay, maybe not “everything”, but still.

Today was one of those days.

i reallyyyyyyy like my nipple piercings. (If you haven’t already, read this post first — > Happy Birthday to Sir).

i did both of them. It didn’t hurt nearly like i expect either during or now after. In fact, they don’t really hurt at all sometimes and i forgot i even did it. And at its worst, i’d categorize the pain at a “level 2”, so not much. But today… i doubted myself.

The pain comes and goes and when at “level 2”, the pain is a throbbing feeling. i think it is the blood flow learning to move around differently and it causes some throbbing. i know this will ease and eventually that won’t even be a thing.

But as it was throbbing, i pulled my shirt down and looked at my pierced nipples. As in, REALLY LOOKED at them. And i found fault.

Not in the piercing itself, but everything else… here were my thoughts…..

“my nipples aren’t that big, the aureolas aren’t that big. Those bar bells look stupid being so big. Why did i do this?”

“i am almost 50-years old. This was not something that someone my age should have done. Will i die with these in? What will someone think when i am 70- with these in?”

“i acted irrationally and just ‘did this’ too quickly. i didn’t even think this through. Maybe i just did it to please Sir and i don’t even know if he ‘r-e-a-l-l-y’ likes them”

TIMEOUT….. in my not-so-deep-in-my-head moments…

While some of it is true… my boobs are large (38-D) but nips and aur’s are small(er), i DID think about the piercings a LOT. i did do it for me, and yes Sir too, but not JUST him), and I DO like them and i KNOW he loves them!

But yesterday, i was my own worst enemy and lost confidence and doubted my recent actions.

i was alone at the time, and that was probably my first problem! But it was also about the time when i got a text from Sir. It said, “I just got a 90-minute massage all focused on my back. In talking with the masseuse, she pierced her nipples the same day as you.”

And then a pic of her pierced nipples came through too.

Now some of you may be wondering about his fidelity to me, why was he looking at her nips, etc. but that’s not what this post is about and i wasn’t the least bit concerned about that. i’ll address that another day.

What’s more is… i didn’t even think about the fact that he had a pic of her, that he was actually talking about mine, nothing.

What i focused on when i saw that pic was all the things that i was not. She had about the same size breasts as me, but larger nipples. And her jewelry had pink barbells, where mine is just ordinary plain silver. And i decided i liked hers more and got even more “upset” with myself in the process.

Sir had NO idea i was “in my head” at the time. He has been known to tell me, “get out of your head and join us in the real world.” And had he known what i was doing and thinking at the time, he likely would’ve said this to me.

i texted him back and said, “hers look better than mine with her larger nipples. i’ve never liked my smaller nipples and i don’t know that the piercings look as good on me as they do on her.”

He immediately wrote back, “I like yours. I have always liked yours and they look even better now with the piercings! She likes yours too. She basically said the same about yours as you did about hers.” (We took “before and after” pics of mine…..and if i get brave enough and David approves for me to ever show a pic of myself on here, i will show you…. but not now…sorry!. But he definitely must’ve showed her those pics of me).

TIMEOUT again…………

So this is where i truly sat back, rewound, and gave this whole situation more thought……..

Sir is CLEARLY …..V-E-R-Y … happy with ME…. before piercings and even more after! So much so, he is talking to a masseuse he just met, when he’s not with me, and “I” am on his mind! (i capitalized that “I” to emphasize that “I” was who he was thinking about. “I” was who he’s talking about. And “I” am who he is in love with!)

When i responded to his text, i just said, “really?” And he said, “YES. Are you doubting me?”

And i thought to myself, “No, i was actually doubting myself.”

Reassurance …. sometimes it is needed. Sometimes it comes in ways we wouldn’t expect (getting a text of another woman’s pierced nipples). Sometimes it comes when we need it most (when he talks about me to a complete stranger – Because he’s in love with ME and then tells me about it). Sometimes it’s in his touch (when he got home, while he knows he can’t touch the piercings until they are healed or it could risk infection, he instead cupped my breasts and squeezed the bottom sides and smiled big at me….. then proceeded to kiss me with passion and desire… like a “you are mine, ownership” desire.

And suddenly, i was in love with my nipples and the piercings they hold. And of course, my David. My husband, HoH, lover, and best friend!

(And btw… after the healing occurs, in about 2-months, i’ll change out the jewelry to pretty-pretty stuff…. maybe hoops that he can attach a chain from the nips to the clit…. 😋🙋‍♀️🥰😍☺️)

Hugs,

Marie

69 – S is for Submission and Spanking. outside. AND. inside!

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This morning my in-laws left to return home. i expected that when David returned from dropping them at the airport, i would be “Assuming the Position” for the first real spanking since mid-May…. pre-car accident and pre-nipple piercing.

i have had some missteps lately in my submissive walk. David explicitly asked me to go by the drug store to pick up the meds that he had refilled, then even texted on my way home telling me not to forget… and yes, i forgot.

Then i have been mouthing off too. (My mouth gets me into more trouble than anything else!) i asked David a question that was intended as a joke, but with his facial response and his questioning me afterward, i knew he didn’t receive it the way i intended.

So – i fully expected it. In fact, i was prepared to ask for it if i had to.

And while we haven’t exactly discussed it really, he got home and said, “Are you expecting it today?” (And i KNEW that “it” was a spanking!)

Yes Sir

He said, “Not now. You’ll wait until I’m ready.”

Well that surprised me, but ok. Ok, NOT ok! i got somewhat annoyed because i have to psych myself up for spankings, especially when we’ve had a break lately. i mentally prepare. And i had done that. But he is in charge and he was teaching me to be submissive and disciplined to his guidance. And ultimately… i think this was him testing me!

But i didn’t wait long. About 30-minutes later and he said, “it’s time”

Yes Sir

And i went and assumed the position.

Now i was a bit on edge and nervous about this today because: 1) it’s been awhile. And the first time back is always a stark reminder … and typically especially painful! And 2) i have these new nipple piercings which i am afraid of bumping or hitting them on anything, causing pain! (Happy Birthday to Sir!) And i was worried if i squirm/move too much with each swat, i would hit them on the bed and cause myself even more pain.

So as i waited for Sir to come in, i prayed.

“Lord, thank you for giving me David to lead me, guide me, and to have complete control over our house and my life. i need you to help calm my nerves and give me strength to be the wife he wants me to be by accepting fully this discipline that i know i deserve, and to let it be an ultimate reminder of the wife i need to be. i love you Jesus. Amen”

Now if David has been “on cue” the door would’ve opened right then. But he wasn’t. And it gave me the time to “just relax….”

When David did came in, he immediately started the warm up. It was a LOT of swats in one spot on the left cheek. And then he did a LOT more on the right cheek.

Then the real swats came. All over my ass, sometimes in the same spot but often not. Swift and hard. And then a big pause….. and SMACK … an especially hard one….. and another pause and another big SMACK!

i could hear the paddle on the way back hit the palm of his other hand and then it hit my ass immediately after.

S-M-A-C-K

Somewhere in the middle, he asked me, “is this enough? Should I stop?” (While continuing to reign downing my ass)

And i hesitated. He said, “it was a simple question! No right or wrong answer, except to hear no answer at all.”

SMACK.

So i told the truth (best way to respond!) with, “i’m not certain Sir. i want it to end because it is intense but i want it to be a lasting and effective impression too.”

SMACK

S-M-A-C-K

That was when he put his hand between my legs and felt how wet i was. And he start playing with my clit.

SMACK

Wow. Pain and pleasure!

And he stuck his thumb in my ass and started moving in and out super fast. Fucking me hard with his thumb.

SMACK

Then with a thumb in my ass, he stuck two fingers in my Puss. And in/out they went!

SMACK

One hand was forcing my inside to submit while the other hand was still forcing the outside of me to submit.

Through it all, as my eyes were watering and i wondered if i was going to truly cry, i said, “i love it when you make both my outside AND my inside submit to you.”

“GOOD! Because your ass belongs to me!”

SMACK

“And i love when you are control ALL of me….. my body, soul, and mind!”

That’s when I heard “come for me my love!”

And i did. A LOT!

Then he replaced his thumb with a plug and said, “this will be a reminder all day to submit fully…. outside AND inside.”

Yes Sir.

And just like that…God granted me my prayer… to accept my spanking with grace and submission to be a better wife moving forward!

(And i didn’t move much at all during the spanking, and when i did it was lifting UP off the bed to ensure my nipples didn’t get hurt! It was a successful spanking all in all!)

Hugs,

Marie

65 – Topless

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Sir is determined to teach me to trust him. He says i don’t. And while i would love to argue with him, it’s a matter of opinion… and ultimately if that’s how he feels, well, it isn’t wrong. And i have no right to argue.

Today our microwave blew up. (Almost quite literally had a fire in our house, but it was contained inside the microwave. So all good! Oh and no, there was no aluminum inside. It happened while making popcorn.). But that’s when he said “we are going to buy a new one. Let’s go.”

And the two of us got in the car. Just us. No child. And within 1-mile of our house, he said… “take your top off”.

i am not allowed to wear a bra in his presence and only when “absolutely necessary” at all other times too. So he knew i had nothing on under my top.

i hesitated. He looked straight at me, raised his eyebrows and said, “did i stutter?”

i said, “No Sir,” and proceeded to remove my top. Quite slowly, but still making forward motion.

Broad daylight. Mid afternoon.

It made me nervous. i was antsy and shifting and he saw it. He said, “put your hands under your ass. Sit on them. And sit up tall. Proudly display yourself! Show me my boobs!”

i said, “yes Sir” and did so.

And that was when he rolled down the windows. For anyone & everyone to see who drove past. And he said, “Chin up. Smile. Look confident my sweetheart. I am, and you should be too!”

When we got to the store, i started to put my top back on. He said, “No. Leave it off. You can stay in the car while I get the microwave. I’ll return shortly.” And he left me in the parking lot, topless, wishing like hell i had another option – and knowing i didn’t!

And of course, a few people saw me. Thankfully no one i knew saw me! (He had parked near the edge of the lot where just a few cars were at, and had also rolled back up the windows, so not that many saw!)

Then on the way home, he told me to pinch my nipples and do not stop without permission, to which i had to beg for release. And in no time at all i was begging! After making me wait until he felt it was indeed time for a release, he allowed it. It was repeated periodically all the way home.

When we got home, he asked me if i felt sore. Of course, i did. He told me that was to be a reminder to trust him (more) in the future. i shouldn’t hesitate, question, or wonder if he was in charge.

That’s when he also continued saying i did good today, but trust has to be built more. That his role as HoH should be respected and … well… trusted. Then he ended with “be assured this would be the first test of more to come that would build the trust that he deserves. And the tests will continue until it seems the hesitation stops.”

i simply responded with “Yes Sir. Thank you Sir.”

i know he deserves my unwavering respect. i know we have agreed he is in control and my only job is to submit. i can do this! Even if my body parts end up sore in the process!

(and in case you are truly wondering, NO that pic above is NOT me.)

Hugs,

Marie

64 – “Go Assume The Position”

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When i hear these words, i know it is time for a spanking whether it be maintenance or discipline. And i am to stop what i am doing and go immediately to the bedroom, undress fully, feet on the floor, bent over at the waist over the bed. Elbows, nose, and boobs touching the bed. Then i place the paddle in the small of my back. And wait.

When David comes in to start, while i can hear things, i (obviously) can’t see things. So i never know exactly whether he’s going to spank easy or hard, whether he’s actually going to use the paddle or another instrument, including perhaps something he may have brought with him into the bedroom (like a brush, a kitchen spatula, or just his hand).

Then when the spanking does start, he doesn’t make me count but he does typically talk to me throughout, and mostly about the way things should be and what hasn’t happened lately (maintenance) or what i’ve done wrong (discipline). i’m allowed to speak, in fact, sometimes it is expected, especially when i’m asked a direct question.

Sir: Do you know why we are here?

Me: Yes Sir

Sir: Tell me.

Me: Well Sir…. and i go from there.

Sir: You are correct (mostly correct, incorrect)…. and then he goes from there also.

But because of my car accident we have taken a major break from discipline of any kind really because not only did my body need to heal from the bruises, bumps, and back tightness, but also the things we had to deal with financially – the claim process, insurance, getting a new car.

So this morning, i was a bit surprised when he got home from the grocery store when he said, “You need to go assume the position”.

i hesitated. i’ve been anxious about this moment. i knew it would come but i have been worried how much it might hurt both on my ass but also the other body parts like my back fighting up. i’ve been thinking, “has my body actually and truly healed from that accident?” And this has been a running dialogue in my head for days now.

i’ve tried hard though to not bug David about anything DD being reinstated, to not push him into doing something he didn’t feel he or i was ready for, and to just trust he knows best. So i’ve not told him anything about these thoughts. i think he likely knew though that i was anxious and nervous about this pending moment too, especially when i hesitated and i NEVER do that!

So i did follow directions and went to the bedroom. And i “assumed the position” that i’ve been taught to both love and hate.

And i waited.

When he came in, the first words he said was, “oh i’ve missed this sight! What a beautiful sight to see.” And that’s when he asked me if i was nervous. i responded truthfully with “yes sir”. And he said, “well, you are merely nervous because it’s been awhile, so let’s get started and replace the nervousness and fear with truth”.

And he picked up the paddle from my back and smacked me hard just once on each cheek. i flinched.

And then he started with fast and swift swats in the same spot on my right butt cheek and he said, “You LOVE it when I hit the same spot over and over again, don’t you?” (He knows that i really HATE it when he peppers ONE spot over and again… so this was a trick question and i knew it).

i responded, “No Sir. i do not”.

He said, “You know you do! Just admit it” (Still trying to test my responsiveness)

i said, “No Sir. i can’t lie to you, so i won’t admit to liking it when i don’t.”

He said, “Maybe I should spank all over then.” And for about 1-2 minutes he spanked both cheeks quite quickly and fast. i was starting to cringe and lift my head off the bed.

That’s when he stopped, he leaned down onto my back, pressing me into the bed, and i felt his cock go straight into my ass. And he whispered in my ear, “What a good girl!”

i gasped with surprise. i didn’t even know he had his pants down. He must’ve taken them down before entering the bedroom because i didn’t hear the tell-tale sign of a zipper.

My hair was already in a ponytail so he grabbed hold and started pumping my ass with his cock hard and fast. i was immediately transformed from pain to pleasure. He pumped inside me while pulling my hair back, causing me to arch my back, and to be very still in the process.

He made a point to tell me i was NOT TO CUM! So i had to work hard not to, and i did succeed!

After he came in my ass and said, “DO NOT MOVE!” He pulled out and left to the bathroom. When he came back, i felt a very cold plug being pushed into my ass. He said, “let it in! This is to stay in until I say it comes out. Do you understand?”

i responded with, “Yes Sir”.

With that i thought we were done, so i started to stand up when he pushed down on my back and said, “We aren’t done yet”.

He pushed me hard into the bed and i once again felt the paddle on my ass. He said, “Do NOT let the plug come out!” And he turned my ass a bright red color while i focused on holding the plug in the entire time.

When he was done, he told me i did well while helping me stand upright, kissed me passionately, and told me to remember “Your ass belongs to me! I love you!” And i responded in kind.

So now i’m happily plugged as his cum seeps from my ass all day long.

The first spanking back was absolutely wonderful! i am loved and i know it!

Hugs,
Marie