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Tag: married life

72 – Memoir 1…. where did we start…in this D/s-DD relationship.

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So here is me about to truly expose myself… ok, NO you aren’t going to SEE a picture of me, but you’ll likely see my soul in this post! But all that i have to say may take a few of these posts, so i’ll call this “Memoir 1” and i’m sure you’ll recognize when i get to the end.

i’ve been asked many times “how exactly did you find this lifestyle” and “how did you get started” and “who initiated this” and every combo of those questions imaginable.

My entire life has held a series of “suppressed sexual encounters”… as i’ve posted about some before already. But i never embraced it… “it” being the kinky/hot sex…. i never let it define me, i never owned it, or let ME be ok with it! Instead… i suppressed it, called it dirty, and sinful. Made excuses that “when that happened, i was (young, drunk, stupid, … fill in the blank). And basically i tried to believe i had been a bad girl then and was only a good girl when i was doing traditional, missionary, vanilla sex. And i tried to say “THIS is how God wants me to be! (Good …with vanilla sex with just my husband and no one else … ever again!)”

And it was boring.

To the point that David and i barely had any sexual encounters at all. We didn’t know how to really talk about it either. So we both ignored it. Basically acted like it didn’t matter…. but it did!

We successfully had a kid after a lot of help from infertility docs, so even getting PG was a “clinical” process! And then no other kids/siblings because i just wasn’t up for more “clinical” sex or procedures.

And when our kid was 7, David and i celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary. So we endured a lot of superficial communications and very little sex… and when we did have sex… it was boring. (Have i said how boring it was?! Neither of us had “fun” or “got off”. We both were just going through the motions…. like “good boys and girls” do!)

About 4’ish months after our anniversary, David had been out of town for work (which was a lot back then) and i was washing clothes. When i took the clothes out of the dryer……

Two movie tickets stubs fell out.

Contagion.

R-rated movie.

It wasn’t with me.

When i looked at the calendar, it was…

On a Monday night.

A night that he had told me he was out of town.

i went online to United trips and he was NOT out of town.

And i was in shock.

i texted him, “who did you go to see Contagion with on that Monday night??”

And i stared at my phone both wanting an answer… and not.

What came back was, “why?”

i said, “I deserve to know! Is it someone I know? Is it someone you love? Is it someone you want to be with?”

And he responded with, “Yes. Yes. No, because I love you.”

I texted him back, “make up your mind by the time you land tonight at 6. I’ll be waiting. Our son will be at my bff’s. Don’t text or call me until I see you.”

And he proceeded to blow up my phone …. to which i read, but didn’t respond…. begging mercy, telling me how much he loves me, he wants a better marriage, he wants to be with me, he wishes he hadn’t done it, blah, blah, blah….. i refused to answer it.

i sat on the couch… as the sun went down… and waited. And cried. And was heart broken, angry, sad, cried, hated AND loved him. and had NO idea what to do.

When he walked in, i had already taken our son away for the night, and the first words he said were, “we are not sexually compatible.”

There was clearly a “contagion” in our house alright…. i just wasn’t sure where or when the source originated exactly, how to eradicate it, or how to become immune to it! or if i just wanted to let it kill “us” (“us being our marriage) and be done with him.

i knew her…. very well…. in fact, i thought she was a friend. And he proceeded to tell me they had been together for a FULL YEAR.

Timeout….. if you think “every woman knows”, i am living proof … they don’t! Maybe they should, but they don’t! Oh i knew we weren’t great, but i thought this was how marriage was supposed to be…. kinda boring, but comfortable and easy …..but i never thought this was what we had become.

That’s when i asked him if he wanted a Divorce. He said, “No. I want change.”

And what came next…. you’d NEVER guess….. and NO, it wasn’t DD.

Everything i am talking about here happened 8-years ago. We only discovered DD 2-years ago….. so guess again…..

And i’ll leave you right THERE…. on the edge.... kinda like i am right now…. i mean, i just HAVE to share this frustrating experience with you too!! ……. (see last post – 21 times to change a habit if you haven’t already).

And speaking of edging…. this is Day 2…. and i am getting incredibly frustrated. David made me watch a 30-minute porn video last night and said i could start and stop as much i needed to, but i was to watch the entire thing while edging. And of course, NO orgasm. I barely succeeded!

And to add to it, today he texted me, “are you horny little girl?? Have you been a good girl??”

Yes Sir! To both……

Hugs,

Marie

70 – insecurity and reassurance needed

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If you think i am confident in my own skin, lifestyle, and person… you are mostly right, but like everyone, sometimes doubt creeps in and i question everything. Okay, maybe not “everything”, but still.

Today was one of those days.

i reallyyyyyyy like my nipple piercings. (If you haven’t already, read this post first — > Happy Birthday to Sir).

i did both of them. It didn’t hurt nearly like i expect either during or now after. In fact, they don’t really hurt at all sometimes and i forgot i even did it. And at its worst, i’d categorize the pain at a “level 2”, so not much. But today… i doubted myself.

The pain comes and goes and when at “level 2”, the pain is a throbbing feeling. i think it is the blood flow learning to move around differently and it causes some throbbing. i know this will ease and eventually that won’t even be a thing.

But as it was throbbing, i pulled my shirt down and looked at my pierced nipples. As in, REALLY LOOKED at them. And i found fault.

Not in the piercing itself, but everything else… here were my thoughts…..

“my nipples aren’t that big, the aureolas aren’t that big. Those bar bells look stupid being so big. Why did i do this?”

“i am almost 50-years old. This was not something that someone my age should have done. Will i die with these in? What will someone think when i am 70- with these in?”

“i acted irrationally and just ‘did this’ too quickly. i didn’t even think this through. Maybe i just did it to please Sir and i don’t even know if he ‘r-e-a-l-l-y’ likes them”

TIMEOUT….. in my not-so-deep-in-my-head moments…

While some of it is true… my boobs are large (38-D) but nips and aur’s are small(er), i DID think about the piercings a LOT. i did do it for me, and yes Sir too, but not JUST him), and I DO like them and i KNOW he loves them!

But yesterday, i was my own worst enemy and lost confidence and doubted my recent actions.

i was alone at the time, and that was probably my first problem! But it was also about the time when i got a text from Sir. It said, “I just got a 90-minute massage all focused on my back. In talking with the masseuse, she pierced her nipples the same day as you.”

And then a pic of her pierced nipples came through too.

Now some of you may be wondering about his fidelity to me, why was he looking at her nips, etc. but that’s not what this post is about and i wasn’t the least bit concerned about that. i’ll address that another day.

What’s more is… i didn’t even think about the fact that he had a pic of her, that he was actually talking about mine, nothing.

What i focused on when i saw that pic was all the things that i was not. She had about the same size breasts as me, but larger nipples. And her jewelry had pink barbells, where mine is just ordinary plain silver. And i decided i liked hers more and got even more “upset” with myself in the process.

Sir had NO idea i was “in my head” at the time. He has been known to tell me, “get out of your head and join us in the real world.” And had he known what i was doing and thinking at the time, he likely would’ve said this to me.

i texted him back and said, “hers look better than mine with her larger nipples. i’ve never liked my smaller nipples and i don’t know that the piercings look as good on me as they do on her.”

He immediately wrote back, “I like yours. I have always liked yours and they look even better now with the piercings! She likes yours too. She basically said the same about yours as you did about hers.” (We took “before and after” pics of mine…..and if i get brave enough and David approves for me to ever show a pic of myself on here, i will show you…. but not now…sorry!. But he definitely must’ve showed her those pics of me).

TIMEOUT again…………

So this is where i truly sat back, rewound, and gave this whole situation more thought……..

Sir is CLEARLY …..V-E-R-Y … happy with ME…. before piercings and even more after! So much so, he is talking to a masseuse he just met, when he’s not with me, and “I” am on his mind! (i capitalized that “I” to emphasize that “I” was who he was thinking about. “I” was who he’s talking about. And “I” am who he is in love with!)

When i responded to his text, i just said, “really?” And he said, “YES. Are you doubting me?”

And i thought to myself, “No, i was actually doubting myself.”

Reassurance …. sometimes it is needed. Sometimes it comes in ways we wouldn’t expect (getting a text of another woman’s pierced nipples). Sometimes it comes when we need it most (when he talks about me to a complete stranger – Because he’s in love with ME and then tells me about it). Sometimes it’s in his touch (when he got home, while he knows he can’t touch the piercings until they are healed or it could risk infection, he instead cupped my breasts and squeezed the bottom sides and smiled big at me….. then proceeded to kiss me with passion and desire… like a “you are mine, ownership” desire.

And suddenly, i was in love with my nipples and the piercings they hold. And of course, my David. My husband, HoH, lover, and best friend!

(And btw… after the healing occurs, in about 2-months, i’ll change out the jewelry to pretty-pretty stuff…. maybe hoops that he can attach a chain from the nips to the clit…. 😋🙋‍♀️🥰😍☺️)

Hugs,

Marie

65 – Topless

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Sir is determined to teach me to trust him. He says i don’t. And while i would love to argue with him, it’s a matter of opinion… and ultimately if that’s how he feels, well, it isn’t wrong. And i have no right to argue.

Today our microwave blew up. (Almost quite literally had a fire in our house, but it was contained inside the microwave. So all good! Oh and no, there was no aluminum inside. It happened while making popcorn.). But that’s when he said “we are going to buy a new one. Let’s go.”

And the two of us got in the car. Just us. No child. And within 1-mile of our house, he said… “take your top off”.

i am not allowed to wear a bra in his presence and only when “absolutely necessary” at all other times too. So he knew i had nothing on under my top.

i hesitated. He looked straight at me, raised his eyebrows and said, “did i stutter?”

i said, “No Sir,” and proceeded to remove my top. Quite slowly, but still making forward motion.

Broad daylight. Mid afternoon.

It made me nervous. i was antsy and shifting and he saw it. He said, “put your hands under your ass. Sit on them. And sit up tall. Proudly display yourself! Show me my boobs!”

i said, “yes Sir” and did so.

And that was when he rolled down the windows. For anyone & everyone to see who drove past. And he said, “Chin up. Smile. Look confident my sweetheart. I am, and you should be too!”

When we got to the store, i started to put my top back on. He said, “No. Leave it off. You can stay in the car while I get the microwave. I’ll return shortly.” And he left me in the parking lot, topless, wishing like hell i had another option – and knowing i didn’t!

And of course, a few people saw me. Thankfully no one i knew saw me! (He had parked near the edge of the lot where just a few cars were at, and had also rolled back up the windows, so not that many saw!)

Then on the way home, he told me to pinch my nipples and do not stop without permission, to which i had to beg for release. And in no time at all i was begging! After making me wait until he felt it was indeed time for a release, he allowed it. It was repeated periodically all the way home.

When we got home, he asked me if i felt sore. Of course, i did. He told me that was to be a reminder to trust him (more) in the future. i shouldn’t hesitate, question, or wonder if he was in charge.

That’s when he also continued saying i did good today, but trust has to be built more. That his role as HoH should be respected and … well… trusted. Then he ended with “be assured this would be the first test of more to come that would build the trust that he deserves. And the tests will continue until it seems the hesitation stops.”

i simply responded with “Yes Sir. Thank you Sir.”

i know he deserves my unwavering respect. i know we have agreed he is in control and my only job is to submit. i can do this! Even if my body parts end up sore in the process!

(and in case you are truly wondering, NO that pic above is NOT me.)

Hugs,

Marie

63 – the “almost” spanking

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Last night before sleep, David and i started talking about a work topic that i encountered … and i was telling him what was decided at work. And he started saying, “I’d make sure you are right about that before you continue”.

And that wasn’t what i was trying to even talk about so i got annoyed and brushed him off. “Yeah, yeah,… but…let me tell you about …..”

That annoyed him. And as we were both starting to raise our voices, he abruptly said, “you need to calm yourself! I was speaking and I think my points are valid. You don’t get to act like what I said wasn’t important. You started this conversation so quit acting this way! Geez!”

And just like that… i was mad. But i suppose i was already worked up and close to it already. i DID quit talking immediately (at least i had the fore thought to stop!). And we ultimately just started reading, turned out the lights, and said our typical “good night, I love you’s”

i laid there thinking about the convo and the “almost” fight… which made me grateful for the DD lifestyle we live.

i hate fighting… with anyone. It all just causes me strife and anxiety.

DD is a life style change that has helped our marriage tremendously! i have respect for him, and vice versa. We both know our roles and how we are to act with one another. And when we don’t do our part…. their are consequences.

So because i stopped when i did, i avoided a spanking.

But it made me think, “maybe i deserved one anyway!” Why?? Well, he’s right… i did start the convo. Although it was apparently subconscious, i did have preconceived notions about how it was going to go in that he was going to listen and agree to me. And when he didn’t, i tried to “force” my opinions and the convo in the way i wanted it to go.

Not only that, but he had to tell me to calm down and to stop. Maybe it shouldn’t have gotten that far from the start. Maybe i shouldn’t have acted the way i did with my “no, listen to ME attitude”.

So David was right and i was wrong. Did i deserve to be punished? i think maybe so.

And i told him all these thoughts this morning. And he responded with, “maybe. We will talk about it later (after work)”

i have no idea if i have actually avoided a spanking and discipline now or not. Nor do i know if we will talk about it. i hope not actually. i hope he just decides and that’s that! It may be waiting for me when i get home. But whether he intends to do it or not, i will accept his decision and we will move on from here…. me being secure in the knowledge we have a MUCH better way of dealing with disagreements than we ever did before DD and he is Dominant and i am submissive.

Hugs,

Marie

61 – who would volunteer?

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One question i find to be a bit silly is “do we need to have an attitude adjustment?”

When i was asked this as a kid and now as a submissive wife in a DD relationship, i know that the “attitude adjustment” is punishment…. aka: spanking.

Who would ever say, “why Y-E-S, we do need an attitude adjustment!” Let’s go get that done now!”

🧐🧐🤨🤨🤨🤔🤔🤔

i mean seriously, if you think i need an attitude adjustment.. just do it already. But maybe it was just an opportunity to change my behavior before HE decided i needed an attitude adjustment. Either way……

No. Not me.

So guess what i said today when asked that? NO. Capitalized. But not rude. Just firm.

Just curious … what do YOU say?!?!

Hugs,

Marie