259 – Active submission

Offering to submit may be either passive, as in yielding or surrendering, OR it can be active, as in gifting or offering.

i have recently started listening to various podcasts as i get my exercise in for the day. (Usually i walk 1-3 miles a day in the morning hours, before work.)

i try to listen to self-help type podcasts, specifically with the “submissive wife” or D/s type of content. i look for instructional how-to type podcasts. Because our dynamic is 24/7, meaning it’s more than just sex-scenes, i like to hear about helpful advice and best practices for being a good submissive wife type podcasts.

Recently i listened to one that the author talked about “active submission.” What it means, what it is, how to do it, and so forth.

Active versus passive. Dominant versus submissive.

Generally speaking, many people think the words “active” and “Dominant” go together, while “passive” and “submissive” go together. In fact, when you look up the word “passive,” one of the synonyms is “submissive.”

It would seem to reason that if passive and submissive are synonyms, then active and submissive are antonyms. That’s not quite true though. In fact, the antonyms of the word “passive” is not active, but rather unyielding, resisting, and protesting.

So based on that, i would argue though that while the seemingly natural combined words of passive and submissive can go together, they don’t always have to be paired that way. i think the the words “active” and “submissive” can and should also be put together.

The word “active” is defined as “engaging or ready to engage in physically energetic pursuits.” Any spouse, Dominant or submissive, should all be engaged, or ACTIVE, in their marriage.

If you think about the development of a relationship, it starts with the dating phase. We are always at our best then. We want to actively spend time with one another, seek out ways to impress one another, and generally present ourselves in ways that are pleasing to one another.

Then we “get engaged.” i think it’s funny how we say, “engaged to be married,” in reference to those desirous and working toward the goal of standing at the altar and saying I do. Here again, we are actively pursuing one another and “engaged” in the relationship with one another.

However, once that goal is achieved (of being married), we don’t see “engaging” as necessarily part of the formula thereafter. Once we get married, we settle into things … house, work, kids, pets, and .. well, life. Yet, i think we should be engaging in our marriage too! If we were all actively engaging in marriage, we might just have more success in being happy and staying married. i am, of course, NOT a marriage counselor, but just go with me for a minute here too.

Recognizing we are not always active or always passive, we should indeed have a mindset to engage with our spouse in the moment and in the way it is needed too. Add to this too, for one to be active does not automatically imply the other must be passive. It’s not a give and take thing, but rather a give and give thing. For one (or more) to be active only implies that one (or more) others must be accepting, which should go both ways!

So what does active Dominance or active submission look like anyway?

As mentioned, active dominance seems to be a natural concept for most people, so i think that one is easy. It means the Dominant gives instruction, sets expectations, makes decisions, has control, and delivers consequences when the submissive does not (quite or fully) measure up.

Active submission may seem to be more challenging then, as it would seem two people can’t both be active at the same time. It would seem to stand that if the dominant is active, then by default the submissive must be passive. i would disagree because remember, active means engaging.

Active does not mean forceful or getting your way or being in charge. So even an active Dominant does not (or should not) imply they are automatically forceful. They just have to be engaged in the well being of the marriage and family dynamic so that they make the decisions. And then the submissive should work to be engaging (or “active”) and accepting, but NOT forceful.

This is a good place for me to say that this “active submission,” thought process hasn’t always been the way i’ve thought it was for a submissive. In fact, i would probably say i have thought a submissive is passive, while a Dominant is active. i used to think this because as a sub, i thought we had nothing more to do that to follow orders. The extent of the “active” submission was to accept orders and to accept punishments, whenever the Dominant decided either was appropriate. But even then, in some ways, a submissive has to actively decide to accept the orders and punishments. But now, i know it’s really more than that…..

A few ways a submissive can be active include:

1) A submissive should seek out ways to serve. A submissive should observe her Dominant partner and find ways to serve him without him even having to ask.

i have known for ages that David drinks his coffee black. He only drinks one cup, almost immediately after waking up. And i am (almost always) up and awake before him.

i enjoy my morning quiet time on the couch drinking my coffee, surfing the net, writing to you, etc. i rarely turn on lights or tv, as i like the quiet and to watch the sun rise to light up the room naturally. i nearly always hear David when he wakes up. He’s not loud, but without artificial sounds in the house, just the natural noise that comes from the bedroom is audible.

i recently decided i should be more active in my submission and get his cup of coffee ready for him as he arises. So now, when i hear his stirrings, i hop up and make his coffee. By the time he comes out of the bedroom, i am standing at the ready for him to take his cup, kiss and greet me, and he goes off to drink his cup in peace.

It has come as a bit of a joyful surprise to him that i am doing this as he knows how much i enjoy my morning quiet time, and he has more or less left me to it in the past. i suspect at some point he will simply come to expect this level of active submits be part of our routine and not something to necessarily thank me for.

i do it because i have sought out a way to serve him actively. And he has noticed! First he was surprised, then he was pleasantly happy, and now he’s come to expect it. It when as he expects it, he is gracious and appreciative of it too.

(And in the last 2-weeks since our son has left for college, i do all this in the nude. This is intentional on my part too. i actively want David to see his cup of coffee and my naked body, ready to serve him, first thing in the morning as he rises. What better way to wake up and start the day could there be?!)

2) A submissive should respond with enthusiasm. When her Dominant asks (or expects) her to perform a task, do it happily and cheerfully and not begrudgingly.

While admittedly there are times i just don’t want to do it, i should first ask myself why. And if no legitimate reason exists, then do it. And do it with joy outwardly AND inwardly!

A dominant and a submissive can both be active. Here’s an example of a possible dialogue between David and i:

David: “Marie, I’d like to have a second cup of coffee today. Could you bring me one?””

Me: “Yes Sir.” (And i retrieve it).

Upon delivering the second cup….

David: “thank you.”

Sometimes i just say, “you are welcome Sir.” And sometimes i also say something like, “i enjoy being used and serve you Sir, in all ways. i look forward to the next opportunity to do so.”

This lets David know how happy i am to serve but i have actively responded with enthusiasm to his request by: 1) responding quickly and without delay, 2) filled his request the way that was pleasing, justas he asked, 3) opened the door for him to feel comfortable to give me more orders/ requests, where he now knows i will respond with enthusiasm.

3) A submissive should be observant and anticipate his needs. Whether it be sexual or otherwise, a submissive can provide active service to her Dominant when she’s observant to his needs.

When i notice David is sneezing, and when i am observant, i go get him a tissue, or the allergy medicine, or nose spray. He notices. He is thankful.

When i notice he is stressed out and tense, i ask if i can make things better by giving him a massage. Usually when he says yes to this, i try to get naked first. Sometimes nothing comes of it, but occasionally it does.

When i can make it a sensual massage, i do. Of course, he’s in charge and let’s me know if it’s ok to touch him sexually or not. And when he touches my body parts as i touch him, it (typically) leads right into an amped up sexual energy and release for both of us! (Oh la la!)

4) A submissive should never forget. When David gives me a task that can’t be done immediately, i (try hard) to not forget. Like when he texts and says, “Can you pick up more milk on your way home?” i can’t forget.

When i do forget, it gives the impression that i just don’t care enough about his request or about him as my Dominant to do as i was asked. David perceives this as disrespectful (another reference to Respect!) and he becomes incredibly irritated, if not mad, when i forget.

He says things like, “Now how am I supposed to finish cooking our dinner if you didn’t get the milk I needed? You just didn’t care enough to do as I asked.”

While i wouldn’t say it’s true (that i don’t care), it certainly presents like that!

So i give myself active reminders to ensure i don’t forget, like leaving myself a Post it note in my car, on my steering wheel. As i get in the car and see the note, i grab it up and hold it in my hand while i drive home. i make a point to not let go of it so that it is constantly “touching me” and i can’t (easily) forget.

i used to forget things like this ALL the time! i would apologize, promise to do better, make excuses about why i forgot and move on. And do it again. All it did was irritate and rub David raw. Of course, that was pre-DD (domestic discipline) and before he had alternative ways to handle his annoyance!

Now though, i just try to be an active submissive wife and try to never forget. It’s easier and ultimately better this way!

5) An active submissive should dress in ways that are pleasing to him. Always.

i never used to have the confidence to dress in ways that are pleasing to him, because i frequently saw it as slutty. Now, i frequently still think it is slutty, but i don’t care. If that’s what he wants, that’s what he gets!

i used to worry about what people might think if they saw me “that way.” Now i think, “let them think what they want. My husband is the only one who’s opinion matters, and he likes it when i dress this way.”

David has always asked me to wear short, cut off jean shorts. They were in style when we were first married and are once again in style (no comments about how old i am to see styles come and go and come again!). i NEVER even owned them before, let alone wore them. Now. Now i own two pairs and wear them every chance i get!

Likewise, he loves it when i wear low cut shirts too. i have large boobs and always worried about flashing people and hanging out too far. Now. Now i know if i am “too far” out, David will tell me. And then i will change it. But until then, i let the girls hang out as far as they want to. And i do it all with pride and confidence, because i am actively submitting to David’s will!

i actively seek out ways to dress in a pleasing manner to David. And i do with it with joy in my heart!

And then there is sex. A wife should always be available to her husband. While it can be overt or under cover, or somewhere in between, a wife should be a sexually pleasing being for her husband. i would say this is ultimately true for all wives, but especially ACTIVE submissive wives.

i would say since becoming David’s submissive wife, we have more (and better) sexual encounters than we ever did before. Why? Because i present myself in an inviting way that lets David know i WANT him.

i want HIM sexually, and non-sexually too, as my husband in any way he wants to give himself to me. He may choose not to do anything sexually at all, but when he does, i want him to always know i am open and available and ready. That holds true whenever and wherever he wants too.

He’s never going to do anything that gets either of us arrested, so i am never concerned about him asking for sex or sexual activity anywhere inappropriate. But if he wanted to throw me down in the grocery store aisle…. i’d let him! (But i know he never would!)

He calls me his submissive slut wife because i have slowly converted from being his prude wife to being a submissive wife to now being a submissive slut wife. i am proud to say, he’s right.

Why am i proud to be called a slut? Well, first i would only ever allow David to call me that. And second, he says it because i am that actively engaged in sexual activity with him that, like a slut, i make myself THAT wet and THAT eager and THAT desirous of it.

i flirt with David with my words and my touch, i rub against him, i talk slutty to him, i beg for his cock, and i am naked whenever i can be.

Oh, and a funny thing happens when you turn on those aroused sexual feelings all the time too. You suddenly want more. You can’t seem to get enough. And it fuels the submissive SLUT fore inside, that most every man would be excited about!

i even thank him every time for allowing me to touch, feel, and orgasm from whatever sexual activity he provided me. Sometimes i even thank him for saying no. While he usually laughs and thinks i am being sarcastic at this one, i explain that i AM thankful because he took the time to lead us and our marriage, thought it out, and he decided the answer was “no.”

But i NEVER say no to him. Ever. Not anymore. As i am an active submissive (slut) wife who wants and accepts his sex every-single-time he offers it to me! You could say i worship his cock and i give it the praise it is due!

i will end with….. these are just some of the ways i have become David’s ACTIVE SUBMISSIVE WIFE.

There are many, many, more ways. What would you add to the list? What do you do to be an active submissive or an active dominate?

i’d love to hear what else you’d add to the list! Comment below and let me hear from you.




  1. You are absolutely my favorite blogger when it comes to submission and especially when it comes to the synergy of submission and respect.!! (I firmly believe they feed on each other .)
    You are so right when you point out that passive submission is only half the story. Wives who seek to deepen their submission need to be taught active submission . Of course maintaining that service to her HOH can be hard. But the rewards are often great.
    You continue to impress me with your increasing knowledge AND practice of submission. Like you said, it chose you but you made it a real part of your and David’s relationship .
    You two are a growing and evolving couple and it’s been a pleasure to follow that growth through this blog.
    Thank you for this post!

    • Hi Ryan,
      Thanks for commenting. I appreciate your kindness.
      The two podcasts I like most are:
      1) Submissive Guide
      2) Loving BDSM

      You can find them both on most every podcast site, but if you need links, I can get those to you.

      If you find other good podcasts, let me know too please! Marie

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