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Day 16 – My Submissiveness

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DAY 16: DIFFICULTIES…What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Hmm. This is a hard one for me to answer really. Probably because admitting your faults (or difficulties) is never a fun thing to do or talk about. But i guess i’d have to say…..

Not taking over. Not snatching back the authority i gave up. i do this a lot …. with David AND God.

When i was little, my Mom would tell me to “Give it to God.” And so i would. i would pray. And a day (or two) later, i’d (more or less) decide God took too long and i’d go “fix it myself.” Of course, this never worked then or now… but it feels like i am “doing” something!

Some of this “take it back” attitude basically comes from the idea of “empowerment”. Ok, even i’m not sure that makes complete sense in just one sentence, so let me explain…..

i grew up believing some of the rhetoric we hear in life, like “if you want it done right, do it yourself.” And like Nike says, “Just Do it.” And don’t forget the idea of, “you can do anything you set your mind to.”

So…. i have. Just done it. Myself. Anything i wanted to.

Couple this with the fact that i absolutely HATE asking for help. NO, i am NOT too stubborn or too prideful to accept it. Rather i know when i ask for help, i (feel like i) am putting someone else out to have them stop what they are doing and to help me. And i feel bad that i did that to them. (Never mind the fact that sometimes it is/ was their JOB to do what i need… i’ve still felt bad that i imposed upon them.)

The trouble is: i can’t always do everything myself. There are things i am simply not strong enough or have time enough to do myself.

i’ve read several business-minded self-help books that tell you, to know your strengths AND your weaknesses. Focus on your strengths yourself, and hire out (to an expert) your weaknesses, thereby making your weakness into a strength also.

So WHY is giving up control… and not snatching it back…. hard for me?

Because when it isn’t done in my timetable or to my level of standards, i get the attitude of, “get out of my way and i’ll just do this myself already!”

And maybe in some parts of my life (and especially at work!) this works.

But not in my marriage. Or with God.

In our D/s lifestyle, this type of behavior is more commonly called, “Topping from the bottom.” Because the person on “top” should be the Dom setting the standard/pace and in charge. While the person on “bottom” should be the sub, who listens/follows directives and is NOT in charge. So if/when i try to do David’s part from my position, i am topping from the bottom.

It has taken a lot of concentration and focus on my part to NOT snatch back the control i gave up… or might never have even had … and to wait. On David AND God.

Be Patient.

Recognize my way isn’t the only way.

Heck, my way may not even be the best or right way!

And if i stay in my role and do what i’m supposed to do, greater things lie ahead than what even i have dreamt of.

[i’ve been told to pray and ask God to give me patience. i did that once. Never again. i wouldn’t say i learned patience, but rather i learned just how impatient i really am! oh my!]

i won’t tell you i have mastered the “stay on bottom” part, but i do try hard(er) now than ever before. In part because of this blog and a follower. She told me in a comment that was what i was doing, and my first reaction was, “no i’m not. You just don’t know me/David.” i didn’t type that though in my response to her comment, instead i only thought it in my head. Yet, it weighed heavy on me until i changed my thought to be, “ok, maybe you are right.” And eventually i deleted the word, “maybe” from that sentence and let it simply be, “ok, you are right.”

Once i got to that place of acceptance, i have worked to be more submissive……… and patient, waiting on directive, staying in my lane, doing my part.

And when i succeed, i get rewards …… but when i fail, i get a raw bottom.

i will keep fighting against my impatience, work harder, and relish the benefits when they come…. and accept the punishments when they come too …… because as we all know, at that point it’s deserved.

But that is definitely my weakest point and most difficult part as a submissive.

Hugs,

Marie

102 – consent! Consent! CONSENT!

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i feel the need to clarify —

i fully C-O-N-S-E-N-T to being spanked!

i am truly amazed at those who believe i am an abused, brainwashed, and an enslaved wife.

I …….A-M ……..N-O-T!

i want to tell you a bit about what does NOT happen ….

– i have never cried. i think this is normal though for many people in a D/s or DD relationship. i don’t know why i haven’t cried. i’m unsure if it’s not intense/hard enough, or if i am not remorseful enough, or maybe i mentally separate myself. i dunno. But if David intended time abuse me, i feel sure i’d be in a LOT of tears quite often.

– We have only ever used a belt and a paddle. While i’d love to experiment and experience some other instruments (tawse, crop, whip, etc), we haven’t. i bought a Loopy John, (here’s a pic….)

and David thought it looked interesting so he swatted at my butt one time right after it came in the mail… with my clothes on. And when i yelped, he asked to see my rear end. It left a mark, he apologized/felt bad (!), and while temporary and was gone in a few hours, David says he will never use it again. If he wanted to abuse me, he would have kept on with it!

– David has only once has it left welts on my rear. To which, at the time it happened, i was pretty surprised as i didn’t think the paddle was used enough to create that result. And David was too!

One time, i didn’t want to continue with the spanking and i stood up and refused to let it continue. David through up his hands and while we got into a huge fight, he did NOT continue! If i were abused or enslaved, he could’ve easily tied me down or locked me in cuffs or the room and forced me to take the spanking – it maybe at that point it would be more appropriate to call it a Beating!

– He has NEVER broke anything – mentally or physically on me or our home. If he was an out-of-control Dominant, he could easily do these things (He’s a big guy!) He has no desire to use brute strength to force me to do anything!

– All of everything we do (DD; D/s) has been MY idea from the start! i had to talk him into it. While he sees it works now, it took me the better part of 2-years to convince him to lay a hand (or belt or paddle) on me. And he ONLY does it when he’s calm. NEVER from a place of anger or frustration, which he could easily do!

In the end – i want you to know this is CONSENSUAL in every-single-way! i may be submissive but i have a voice and i am quite capable of speaking my mind! And when i do it with respect and in a calm tone, he hears me loud and clear. And it always results in me getting what i want, need, or deserve.

So please know: i am NOT abused, enslaved, or otherwise brainwashed into this! If anything, David has been brainwashed to my way of thinking!! ☺️. Lol!

But in the end – this works for us! It resolves difficulties and differences quickly and super easily. It keeps respect, truth, and loyalty in our marriage too.

Oh – and – if you think i am crazy, well, i’ve already said…. i just might be!

i would hug you in person and tell you this with my voice if that were possible, but in the meantime – accept my virtual hugs – and trust that i am OK! Actually – scratch that – i am MORE than ok ….. i am happy, thriving, loving life and couldn’t be happier in and with my marriage!

Hugs,

Marie

101 – consequences just don’t matter

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When our son was little (and long before D/s or DD…..and before “submission” was a word in my everyday vocabulary!) there was a family of 4-daughters who lived directly across the street. They made for amazing babysitters and it was just so absolutely wonderful, not to mention convenient!

Once when the oldest was over babysitting, she and i were chatting for a minute and i happened to ask her what her plans were for the rest of the weekend.

She said, “Unpack, wash/dry, and put away all the clothes and toiletries, plus my suitcase from our trip.” (They had just been back the day before from a 2-week long vacation.)

i remember commenting that was a lot considering they had JUST gotten back. And she said, “that’s what Dad said was the deadline. So I’ll get it done.”

That’s when i was curious, so i asked her, “what if you don’t?”

And she had a confused look about her and said, “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

i clarified and said, “well, what if you get busy or something comes up and you just don’t get it all cleaned and put away. What will happen?”

She said, “oh I’ll get it done. Nothing will get in the way of that.”

And i pressed her on it and said, “but what if you don’t?”

She just looked at me and squarely said, “I have no idea. Because it won’t happen. I WILL get it done because when my Dad tells me to do something, I do it. So the consequences are irrelevant.”

i remember being surprised that a teenager wouldn’t know what happened when she disobeyed. But the fact that she didn’t know, told me she submitted to her father’s authority and consequences were indeed irrelevant because she would never dream of committing the unthinkable.

Now as a submissive wife, i can look back on this and completely see where her head was at. This is basically true for me now too.

i wore a chastity belt to sleep, despite having the key. Despite knowing i could unlock myself if i really wanted to. But i didn’t. Why? Because i wanted to submit and to obey my husband’s wishes. i really don’t know what the ultimate consequences had been if i had unlocked myself (without good reason constituting an “emergency”).

There’s NO reason to know the consequences if they just don’t matter. Because knowing (or needing to know) the consequences is (IMO) akin to weighing your options… “how bad would it be if i DON’T do what i’m supposed to do?” With the ultimate thought basically being, “if the consequences aren’t too bad, then it won’t matter if i break the rule(s). And i just might do it!”

But that’s not how i want to think or to be. Being a true submissive wife calls for me to WANT to do what’s right and what he wants me to do. As opposed to me doing only what i want to do …. based on how bad the consequences are or what punishment i’m willing to endure (that day).

All this does is leads to strife. And too much strife in anyone’s life is just ….. “too much”. And that can and often does lead to bitterness, resentment, and turning away…. which can lead to a miserable life together OR divorce to find a better life apart.

So a submissive wife is one who wants to do right by him and doesn’t care what the consequences are. Because ultimately, the consequences just don’t matter as she won’t do it anyway……because in her mind…. it’s not an option.

And if i still fail to do what i’m supposed to…. DD will happen. Spanking. Domestic discipline enacted.

Why? Because we’ve made it where the consequences DO matter … we won’t “just” get in a fight…. there will be more!

And i accept it.

Hugs,

Marie

100 – Stress: N-O-T my thing…

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This week has been so annoying and stressful. i started this post about 4-days ago, and now i an finishing it while on VACATION and relaxing.

It’s always interesting to me when i write something (and don’t post immediately) how when i come back to it, something things have changed…. namely…. my perspective.

When in the midst of a situation(s), frequently it can seem overwhelming and (almost) insurmountable. And even just a mere day later, it isn’t as big of a deal anymore. Oh, a lot of times the “thing” is still going on, but my reaction to it can often be completely different.

And over the years i have learned that when i am stressed and IN the moment…. i struggle to be submissive!

It’s not that i don’t want to be submissive, it’s that i want things to change, improve, drive toward conclusion. And in the middle of it, being submissive seems passive. It feels like i am not “doing” anything to change the result or the answer or the outcome to just …..(be submissive) …… and wait.

Let me just give you some real-life examples of what happened this week… in the moment and the next day…..

EXAMPLE 1:

Big Bang is still problematic! Over 60-days now past the accident, and we still don’t have the completely-totaled-car done and gone. While i was not deemed the “at fault” party in an accident where i was the middle of a 3-car pileup, we had to get our own insurance involved. If it weren’t for them, i still wouldn’t have a new vehicle!

Here’s the players that effected me this week:

A) insurance 1 (the girl at the front who police said WAS at fault),

B) insurance 2 (the guy at the back who slammed into me, causing me to slam into girl at front,

C) insurance 3 (our own insurance),

D) AND insurance 4 (our own GAP insurance). FYI: i has GAP on my vehicle and if you aren’t familiar with GAP – it “fills in the gap” between all the other insurances if/when more is owed than they pay).

So this week i got a call from our insurance (#3) saying insurance 2 is filing a “medical claim” against all other people involved, including us (He was walking and talking at the scene withOUT issue), which upon notice having been given to insurance 1, they are now referring this over to a lawyer on their part. AND because of the “open issues” now too, insurance 3 won’t pay off the loan of the vehicle, causing insurance 4 (GAP) to not be able to do their part, causing me to have excess debt on my credit now!

OKAY – In the moment and the day of …….i went home… told Sir alllllll about it.

And (unfortunately) NOT in a respectful tone, so when i was done, i heard the words, “Do we need to go change your attitude?”

Me: “NO! Spanking my ass won’t make all this better!”

Sir: “oh yes, yes it will!”

[INSERT spanking story and my ass turned red right here!]

The next day…… after i calmed down and had a sore rear end, i realized…. there’s nothing i can DO to make this better than talk to the insurance agents, let them sort it all out…. and wait. So by NOT being submissive, all i achieved was a sore ass! My goal of “doing” something amounted to getting naked, bending over, and accepting punishment.

EXAMPLE 2:

So i started to write a bunch of other examples…. Son’s school, A situation at work, ok so several things at work, and an event planned for our vacation…… but …….

The details don’t really matter.

As i typed away all the details about all my week’s wrongs plus all my efforts to “fix” things… i realized there’s ONE thing they ALL have in common:

i had NO (ultimate) ability to change the outcome!

Oh, yes certainly i do agree, i had some ability… the ability to set things in motion…. call the school and wait for them to take action, talk to employees and set them in action, and to call up the event coordinator and set them in motion too…….

But ultimately….. ALL i had control of was how i responded to the situation!

And none of my actions really drove anything to conclusion, fixed the problem, or changed much of anything.

What DID change was my attitude about it.

The DAY AFTER…. i realized that when i depart from being my submissive-self, ALL that happens is that i cause strife between me and David!

i have to remember this the next time i have a super hard and stressful weeks!

And now… we are onto V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N!!!

Hugs,

Marie

96 – Reverse Psychology

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i am struggling. i went from being afraid of chastity, to wanting it full time.

Why would i want it full time? Because it is preventative. i know i am not to touch myself without permission. But that’s easier said than done!

Prior to this rule in place, i touched myself in a seductive, sultry way every single day! And i made myself orgasm 2-4 times a week. Which being honest was ultimately not good. Because frequently i did it without Sir present and often him not even knowing…. where i hid it in the bedroom or bathroom to have “me” time. And it led to not wanting or having husband/wife time. Because when he was ready to do something, i was already “done” and not truly interested.

But as a result of how easy it was to satisfy my own needs, ever since this rule has been in place, i have struggled.

The official rule is “no masturbation and orgasm without permission.” So technically i can TOUCH myself…. in a seductive and sultry way. But the temptation is so great that one just simply leads to the next! And it’s easier to NOT do ouch at all then.

So the chastity belt was my idea. It would lock up what’s not mine. And Sir agreed.

Until it came. And it took me overcoming the mindset of how it looked. It looked mean and intimidating. But when i did, i saw it would be my new best friend! It was helpful and useful, and while tight fitting not hard to wear at all.

And that’s when he said, “it doesn’t need to be used that often.”

So now for a week, i have actually only worn it 3 x’s – Day 1: a couple hours, Day 2: 12-hours, and now today…. and not long yet, but we shall see.

i have all but BEGGED Sir to leave it on indefinitely or at least for a reallyyyyyyy long time.

He said, “NO. It’s not necessary.”

Well….. i am frustrated. If i can’t control myself and he won’t let me be proactive about it, that sets me up for failure. So why? Why not? Like what’s the reason WHY he had the NO answer????

And i asked him.

It was risky for me to be so bold. And i had tried (for a week now) to just accept it for what it is

[No means NO]. Right?? Shouldn’t have to be explained. Should be accepted as is.

But it has gotten the best of me today. And you are thinking, “why today if you are locked up?” Because being locked up feels good! i feel relief. i have removed the temptation and it is now not even a thing. i truly feel less stress with it on! And i thought, “W-H-Y can’t we just make this the norm? Why can’t i just wear it (mostly) all the time, except for Plan B times when he wants access and we are together… in which case i won’t touch anyway!”

So i said, “i don’t understand why you are hesitate to lock me in chastity more frequently. It would help me if you did.”

And i prayed, “Lord, let him hear my questioning in the GOOD way i am intending it to be!”

And he did.

His response was, “Because it will lose the effectiveness and make you think that when you don’t have it on that you can do what you want!”

So that’s opposite of what i was thinking really.

And i guess he might be right. i guess it may just allow me to be mentally lazy when i rely on it to prevent myself from touching if the belt is there….. and serve to set my mind (and fingers) into overdrive when it’s available.”

And let’s face it…. living in chastity 24/7 is NOT an option. Oh maybe for awhile…. sure…. but not as a viable, completely always that way option. In fact, in 6-days we are getting on a plane to go for a week vacation in the mountains of Colorado. It can’t be worn through security!

Although what i’d love to see the looks of TSA agents when they did a pat down and discovered it! I’m sure they’ve seen it all before… but i haven’t seen them seeing it all before! 😉. Of course…. perhaps that could lead to me being arrested and not getting on the plane at all too! And clearly, THAT is not an option…. which means chastity full time is also not an option!

So i guess i have to work on my mental submission being stronger…. i obviously struggle here and it will be something to overcome….. sometimes in chastity and well…. sometimes not.

i won’t deny…. i just wish he’d lock me up more often and allow me to have stress-free days. (Ok so not totally stress free…. but MORE stress free.)

Until next time…. locked in Chastity for now and am now off to have a relaxing STRESS FREE day!

Hugs,

Marie