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Tag: my submissiveness

89 – And just like that……

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i sit here in chastity. Watching tv. Like nothing is any different than any other day.

You could look at me and have no idea that there are new “panties” that exists under this skirt of mine. Unless of course you happen to hear the slight sound of the lock clinking against the belt as i walk, or smell the pre-cum dripping down my leg, or see the smile on my Sir’s face as he held the key and said, “try to be good today!”…..

REWIND…….

This morning i was dressing for the day…. which on the weekend has no bra and no panties as typical protocol. i was anticipating that now that it is “the weekend” that “soon” the chastity would be put on.

After taking a shower and dressing, i was doing my hair. That’s when Sir walked up behind me and pulled my skirt up. As always, i never refuse his touch so while i paused and stood still, i waited for him to decide what came next. He smiled and ran his hand over my ass in a smooth, seductive, sultry way.

And he promptly dropped my skirt and said, “aren’t you missing something?”

i knew what it was in reference to, but i still said, “what do you mean?”

And he said, “do you really think i’m going to leave you (to go play golf) with you unprotected?”

i said, “you have before.”

And he said, “yes, but that was before we got the chastity… and we both know we got it for a reason…..we both know you can’t keep your hands off of what belongs to me!”

So with equal amounts of intrepidation and excitement, i laid it out open on the bed and laid down inside the edges. So i pulled the 3-sides altogether and held it in place while handing Sir the lock (and key).

He put the lock in place, snapped it shut, and pulled out the key.

And that’s when he said, “And just like that.. I’m off to golf and you need to try to be good today!”

Like i have a choice now.

But i had a choice before and always bugged him to masturbate. And sometimes didn’t even bother to ask and just did it anyway. Of course, i paid the price with guilt, coming clean to him, and subsequent punishment. But now, instead of detective controls, we have preventative controls. It will work. Of course it will.

And to be perfectly honest… it’s not nearly as uncomfortable as i anticipated. In fact, it’s similar to wearing a (tighter) thong. We shall see if it chafes, how it’s going to be to use the bathroom, or if it causes any trouble at all today.

i’m not entirely sure what the official plan yet for how long, now permanent, or how regular i’ll be wearing these new “panties,” but for now…..i’m doing ok! And frankly, part of submission is not knowing the plan, and not needing to know the plan, and still being ok with it, and i’m ok!

So while i won’t be getting “off” today, i will be off now to find some wholesome, good hearted, “family” show to watch today.

Hugs,

Marie

Day 14: My Submissiveness

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Day 14: REAL-LIFE BDSM…How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

For me, my kinkiness is being submissive, and it is 24/7. Not “just” when having sex, which is where i think most of the fantasies come from.

In fact, i think most fantasies about D/s is specifically about slaves….and not “just a” submissive. Now i don’t want to get into an entire discussion of the differences between slave and submissive here, but suffice it to say (here) that i see a slave with a lot fewer choices than a submissive.

So slave fantasies, in my mind anyway, include stuff like having her walk naked through the streets, chained or leashed, and when at home might sleep in a cage, maybe even uses the bathroom in the backyard.

T-H-A-T is a scene. i don’t think it is real life. Or at least not anyone’s typical D-A-I-L-Y life. And not my life for sure.

And if you dial it back to “just” a submissive, i think maybe a fantasy would possibly be of a 1950’s wife, wearing only heels and an apron to cook, clean, give foot massages, and …. well…..wait on her husband’s every need.

T-H-A-T is a scene also. Not my D-A-I-L-Y life there either.

So i guess you take out (most of) these hot-naked-sex scenes and put in a lot of “Yes Sir” and “No thank you Sir”, and a lot of respectful similar words… and T-H-A-T is my daily life.

i do a lot of “waiting on my husband’s needs” in a lot of “small” servitude tasks. Like …..

– when i see he is done eating dinner and just hasn’t quite gotten up yet to put the plate away, i take it from him and do it for him. And he thanks me and i say things like, “you are most welcome Sir”.

– And if his sleep apnea machine needs to have water refilled before bed, i do that too.

– And i try to be off the phone when i get home from work and talk to him.

– And i go to bed when he does.

None of these things are rules for me (ok, so “show respect” is, but these particular things aren’t specifically listed), but i do them anyway.

And T-H-I-S is my daily life….. typically fully clothed, indoors, not on a leash. Even if i’d think it hot to do those things, that’s the fantasy. 😉

Day 12: My submissiveness

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Day 12: “I THOUGHT YOU HAD THE KEYS…”Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Funny. Hmm. This is a challenge really.

i guess i find watching most porn funny. Most porn looks like it is SO staged. And most of it makes me laugh. (“Oh baby, yes, fuck me now…”)

And when i start laughing in the middle of sex when David is trying to use it as motivation for either of us is NOT cool.

And “…………

Hugs,

Marie

Day 11: My Submissiveness

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Day 11: WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT…ethics of kink?

i think safe, sane, and consenting are three words that should always be a part of every relationship, but especially in a kinky one. And no one should have to compromise those three things. Ever.

Beyond that though, i don’t know if the question was intended the way i am thinking here, but if i were to think deeper….

We have had sex with others. We mostly do it like a swinger situation, with everyone in the same room but not always. i love seeing David make another woman happy. And he typically positions himself where we have eye contact and he stares into my eyes. And he sees my reactions. And on the rare occasion i have had trouble with what i’ve seen, he reads my reactions well and he changes it up to make me happy!

i don’t really remember the last time though that we have been with AnYoNe else…because …well…it’s really been that long ago. We haven’t sworn off others, so much as life just gets in the way. And now given COVID, who knows if-when that might ever happen. And i’m ok with that too.

****** i want to add that after having been a cheated-on wife, and me feeling betrayed…. we NEVER do ANYTHING with anyone else that their spouse isn’t aware. And i KNOW the spouse is aware by talking to them about it too (or they are actually included at the time too). i refuse to be that person who hated when it was done to me… and now would be doing it to someone else! The only exception may be if they have a spouse and didn’t even tell us. Which to date, hasn’t happened, that i am aware of. But if we were to find ourselves in that position, i would 1) break it off with the person and/or 2) go directly to that spouse to tell them what’s happened. Cheating on someone’s spouse isn’t acceptable. (How’s that for ethics?)

Blue Bell Ice cream has a saying/slogan, “we eat all we can, and we sell the rest.” They literally hire employees and say, “eat as much as you want for free. It’s a perk of the company”. Why do they do that? Because before they allowed it, employees would steal it. After they opened it up and embraced it, employees eat ice cream for about a week and the novelty wears off and no one eats (much of) it after that.

So like Blue Bell, we have more or less adopted this approach for our marriage…. you can’t “cheat” on your spouse if you are doing it openly and together. And like everything in a kinky relationship, or really ANY relationship, we have talked about this. As long as we come home together, we enjoy this time together.

Why do we do this? Well… it’s sexy. It’s fun. And in the end, it keeps us together. We completely trust that we will be coming home together and we LOVE each other and spending time together.

i have thought before… what’s the difference between having sex with others with my husband… OR……going to a football game with my husband? Or going to a rock concert? Or playing golf? Or going on vacation together?

If you don’t get too deep into this… (seriously don’t overthink this here…. go here instead! Lol!)….. it is simply spending time together, doing something fun together, and being open/honest with one another.

i am secure enough in our relationship to know that we will always be together, that our love runs very deep, and now with DD we have a way of dealing with things that works when everything seems like it’s not.

So for what it’s worth… i am a safe, sane, and consenting (spanked, submissive) wife. And i’m all good with this!

Hugs,

Marie

74 – Memoir 3 – CHANGE… ME or YOU?

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After that (almost completely) fateful night…. the only “real” change in our marriage for ALMOST A FULL YEAR was that I was tracking his phone, watching his email, scouring the credit card and phone statements, for the express purpose of looking for trouble. I never found any, which really made me wonder if he was just better at hiding it, or if it was truly not happening. I had NO way of knowing what “truth” was anymore.

In short: I didn’t trust him!

i know you are thinking, “what? NO change? Why?” Well…. it is harder than you think and it’s a lot easier to talk about it when you aren’t in the middle of the emotional part of it too!It took a lot of time to even decide if we wanted to try, then work up the effort to make it happen, and then what does this so-called “change” even look like?!?

But after almost another year of me being hyper vigilant and watching him like a hawk, we were both miserable. He got mad at one point and said, “I can’t live with you watching my every move. I can’t prove the negative… THAT is not even possible! What will it take to move past this? I’m still HERE. With YOU. What can I do to prove that YOU are who I want???”

That was the first sign of outward fatigue for either of us. I knew I was already SO very tired of trying to figure out if I should stay, should go, how to make things better, feeling good AND bad…. and ultimately….. I was tired of ….being in control. This was NOT sustainable!

C-H-A-N-G-E was becoming the word of the day and I simply had to stop running from it and start embracing it.

Now you may wonder, “WHY did you stay?” Ultimately, it was because I didn’t know if I should leave.

My parents divorced when I was 5. I remember my Dad and Mom having this vicious pattern where Dad would live at our house for months at a time where we were a “Family” again… and then he’d leave. And then he’d be back and repeat. This went on for many years. And I vowed to NEVER do that wish-washy thing to my kid. I decided to stay, “Until I knew I was ready to leave. For good. Forever.”

So every day for more than a year, I prayed the EXACT same prayer EVERY-SINGLE-DAY, “Lord, I don’t know if I should stay or if I should go. But I do know, I need you to be in charge and be in control. If today is the day I should leave, I need you to give me a sign. But if today is the day I need to stay, I will listen and wait on you Lord. Either way, direct my path in the way you want me to go”.

So my decision to STAY was an active decision. It was NOT simply “by default”. Making no decision is ultimately a decision, but I HAD made a decision. Daily!

And that was when the movie “Fireproof” by Kirk Cameron came out. And “The Love Dare” was a thing that sprung from the movie. It wasn’t the best made movie, but when I went to see it (with my mom and sister), it spoke to my heart.

The next day, I bought The Love Dare Book. And it was a 40-day challenge to reign down love on your spouse in a Christian/biblical way …. before you decide to leave/ divorce. And I didn’t tell him at all what I was doing.

The first day said:

I admit, I did NOT do this entire Love Dare with an “all-in” heart. I did this from a “I want to say I tried. And I’m tired from all the other things I’ve done already so maybe this is the thing. So, I’ll try.” So i did it with a Fake-It-Til-You-Make-It mentality.

And holding my tongue that first day was a REAL chore! To which he didn’t even notice. I was not surprised, but I was disappointed.


Day 2 said:

On this day, I bought him a gift. One that was more about the gesture than the gift, but he was surprised. He asked me what prompted it. And thanked me. (He noticed! Progress!)

And this SERVING-HEART continued for many days. I never made it to the end of the full 40-days because we started talking, really talking (!!) somewhere around 10-days in and we started changing……. but more importantly, I started changing!

I no longer saw the problem as HIS fault, but OUR fault. I realized I had done a lot to contribute to David’s unfaithful spirit. I realized I did nothing to bring him home to me and yet he came home anyway. I decided I had to change myself if I was going to expect our marriage to change. And in the end, if I changed but our marriage didn’t, then it was in the Lord’s hands and that would be my “sign” and probably time to go then.

From that point and for Several years forward…… we went into a “sexual discovery” mode of sorts. We started this because I was still angry. He got to have fun, so I should be able to too. But I wanted to do it together, and not behind anyone’s back. (This all sounds crazy to me now, but honestly, I was hurt and mad and sad and unclear and needed to “find a new way” …. to C-H-A-N-G-E). I was unclear if I wanted to be dominant/submissive, sadist/masochist, swinger, tied up/ do the tying, polyamorous, bisexual, homosexual/ (lesbian), heterosexual, and every combination you can think of!

We joined a few dating sites and proceeded to try it all! We went to swinger clubs, we met individuals/groups, we did things alone and together.

And the whole time, I scoured the internet asking questions that started with…. “is bisexual forbidden in the Bible?” And “how do i know if I’m a lesbian?” And “how to have a successful open marriage?” and “is polyamory legal?” And “Is swinging morally wrong?”

And we tried out ALL these things! And I do mean, ALL!

Then we started to find what we liked and didn’t….. through all this discovery, I found that I didn’t like being tall, or Capitalized, or In control…. so i went to being the little i, the submissive, the one being handed orders and not giving them, the one who listened and obeyed. And we ultimately confirmed that David did NOT want to give up control nor was he submissive!

THIS was when i discovered DD. And specifically it was Jennifer’s blog that showed me some of the how-to’s. And how to get it into our marriage fully. i followed her blog and “lurked” for about a full year before i knew this was what i truly needed, with our own twist on it too.

That’s when I started googling things like “is it right to like to be spanked?” And “is spanking your wife biblical?” And “why does the Bible say to submit to your husband?” And “What is DD?” And “What’s the difference in BDSM and DD”.

It was also then that i realized that God answered my prayers. He allowed me to explore with my husband, but never leave him. He allowed me to be with my husband, while discovering who i am. (The little i).

And strangely enough, all that control i tried to hang onto in the start was freeing to give up. i was hanging on so tightly to the sand, that i was crushing it in my hand and it slipped through the cracks. Giving into it freed me. And allowed our marriage to experience the true change we both sought!

Now …. all that was left…. while David basically knew what i needed, we hadn’t actually decided or talked about “this being our way”. Not had i any clue if he’d actually willingly spank me for discipline, and not just for sexual/kink! But i knew… i had to talk to him. And the overwhelming thoughts of “what if he says no?”… loomed large!

i will end this memoir series with the final post tomorrow …. talking about how we specifically talked about THIS thing we do with D/s and DD consequences.

Hugs,

Marie