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73 – Memoir 2 – “No, I don’t want a divorce…. I want change”

Written by Marie on . Posted in Deep Thoughts, Marriage, Submission. No Comments on 73 – Memoir 2 – “No, I don’t want a divorce…. I want change”

Change. It’s a simple word with a powerful punch. Why is change important? Or needed? And why do we fear it so much?

i did a simple google search on “change”, and one of the first things to pop up was this:

On an individual level, change is important because it is the precursor to all growth. We don’t grow by keeping things “safe” – by preserving the status quo (even though that may seem more comfortable). All personal growth comes from meeting the challenge of change. By dealing with life challenges we learn that we can.

So maybe these words above wasn’t what i knew about or thought about all those years ago…. but it was definitely what we needed!

And now… he wanted change. I couldn’t have agreed more!

Ahh buddy, yes indeed… we WILL be changing alright! If you don’t want a divorce, you will indeed be changing! There’s no doubt about that! And I will tell you now how that’s going to happen…..

All i knew for sure was my husband of 10- years, friend for 15 (we dated for 5 before marriage), and father to our only child, was indeed unfaithful. He had broken our marriage vows. He had broken my heart. And my whole life was about to change… whether i wanted it or not!

And that’s when we proceeded to have the biggest fight of our entire relationship! We yelled, cried, threatened to leave…. and yet…. still stayed. If either of us had really given up on “us”, we wouldn’t have fought. We would not have even cared enough to fight.

The opposite of love is NOT hate. It is apathy. When you don’t care, you have no feelings at all. And we clearly did. How much either of us ultimately cared or if it was enough to carry us through the process of what it would take to fix what was broken, i didn’t know.

That’s when I told him how it would be. I told him, “you will break it off with her…NOW. You’ll tell her you love me and only me. You’ll tell her you are committed to your wife and son. And from now on, you are NOT to delete any texts, any emails, and I will check the phone bill to confirm. And this is the way it has to be to rebuild the trust! Are you ready to break it off with her??”

Yes (ma’am). i put that word (ma’am) in parenthesis because while he did NOT say it out loud, i was absolutely in control that night and we both knew it…. at least in that moment anyway. (And did you also notice i put the I in caps?? I was in charge now. I was the one who was taking control!)

I dared him to call her and tell her RIGHT THEN. I wanted to hear it!

And he did.

After just a minute of talking to her, he put her on speaker and said, “Marie, she wants to talk to you” (WTF….. no F’ing way do I want to talkkkkkk to her!)

She said, “I’m sorry. Can I come over and we talk through this?”

Me: Seriously? You want to talk? In MY house? You tried to ruin my life, while betraying our friendship by sleeping with MY husband for a YEAR! And now you are “sorry”? We are never speaking again! I want you GONE!

Her: Please, just hear me out.

Me: fine.

Ding dong. The doorbell rang.

She was at our house! He had apparently told her before he even got home that i knew, it was over, and she had notions of “wanting to make it right”. She had driven to our house and was sitting in the car working up the courage to knock on the door when David called her.

I answered the door. She asked to come in. I was SO pissed that I was like, “FINE! SURE! Come on into MY house tonight since you’ve been lurking in the shadows for a year! At least now I know you are being honest and in the light!” (At this point it was almost 9pm and getting quite dark… and we had NO lights on in the house! So the pun of the light was quite literal at that moment. But no one was laughing though either).

She came in and I looked at David, shaking my finger at him and barked orders to him, “she came to talk to ME. Not you! Don’t say a word!”

She sat down and we yelled, cried, fought.. and wore ourselves out. David did talk, but only in the strategic places he felt he could.

And after we were exhausted and (mostly) out of words, she reached her hand out to mine (we were on opposite sides of one of the couches, while David had been ostracized to his own couch)…. she touched my fingers, she covered the back of my palm, she squeezed and said, “I’d like to make this up to you …..in the shower….. together.”

And she grabbed my hand, pulled upward, and stood up. And said, “let’s go get naked together. David has seen me naked. He’s seen you naked. But we’ve never seen each other naked. Let’s make him watch us have sex together.”

I was so numb and wanting someone to love ME that this sounded stupid, crazy, and completely insane…. and yet, exactly what I needed too!

So I did it.

She went down on me in the shower.

And I felt like David was right… he and I were NOT sexually incompatible… and maybe all those pent up, “bad girl” ideas I had were just “bad ideas”.

While I was trying to find the answer to rid ourselves of this contagion “virus” from my home, I had opened and invited it further inside. Literally, inside ME. And it felt GOOD!

That’s when it morphed into more….we all 3-had sex…. together… in OUR bed… the virus had fully infected everything!!!

And we put all our sexual parts everywhere ….but …. when he put his cock inside her, I saw. I saw how she wasn’t “just” a girl he fucked… it was someone he was passionate with. And I was the 3rd wheel. And I freaked out!

I almost threw up. Literally. The virus made me sick! And I threw on the first thing I saw (one of David’s long t shirts) and ran out of the house. No shoes, no pants, no keys, no phone, and nowhere to go…. and I ran… yes, RAN. On bare feet, I wanted to feel the pain of the road against my feet. I wanted my body to be torn up on the outside to match how I felt on the inside. And I wanted to get AWAY. Not just away from the house, but my life, him, her and well…ME.

What was I thinking allowing her in our house? What did I really expect to see after they’d been fucking each other, behind my back, for an entire year? But they weren’t “fucking”… they were making “love”!!

I ran. With no awareness of how far or fast…. I was so lost in my head I wasn’t sure I wanted to come out of it either. It was midnight. And I ended up at the neighborhood park. On a swing. (Oh The irony… swinging in the bed and now swinging alone at the park!)

I dared him to come get me. I knew if he didn’t, I was filing for divorce the next day. And yet, I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to come or not! I prayed “God let YOUR will be done!”

And he did. God’s will was done. And that was for David to come. He cane and got me. He’s always wanted ME!

He just wanted more now too. He wanted change.

And then we cried in each other’s arms in the park. He tried to get me to go back to the house and I said “not until she’s gone. I can’t have her there anymore. We have to find a new way forward, and it can’t be with her”

He said, “she’s already gone.”

And that’s when we started to talk …. over MANY months and really YEARS forward…. what we wanted this new “change” to look like……

So coming back full circle on this post…. all growth starts with change. You can’t expect anything to improve if you aren’t willing to change. You have to go all-in, you have to embrace change, you have to want to change…….

I’ll tell you more in Memoir 3 …. about how we’ve morphed from that night to where we are now.

And now I’m off of here … to EDGE. AGAIN! I’M SO FRUSTRATED. I NEED RELEASE! I’M NOT GOING TO LAST 7-DAYS! 😩

Hugs,

Marie

72 – Memoir 1…. where did we start…in this D/s-DD relationship.

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So here is me about to truly expose myself… ok, NO you aren’t going to SEE a picture of me, but you’ll likely see my soul in this post! But all that i have to say may take a few of these posts, so i’ll call this “Memoir 1” and i’m sure you’ll recognize when i get to the end.

i’ve been asked many times “how exactly did you find this lifestyle” and “how did you get started” and “who initiated this” and every combo of those questions imaginable.

My entire life has held a series of “suppressed sexual encounters”… as i’ve posted about some before already. But i never embraced it… “it” being the kinky/hot sex…. i never let it define me, i never owned it, or let ME be ok with it! Instead… i suppressed it, called it dirty, and sinful. Made excuses that “when that happened, i was (young, drunk, stupid, … fill in the blank). And basically i tried to believe i had been a bad girl then and was only a good girl when i was doing traditional, missionary, vanilla sex. And i tried to say “THIS is how God wants me to be! (Good …with vanilla sex with just my husband and no one else … ever again!)”

And it was boring.

To the point that David and i barely had any sexual encounters at all. We didn’t know how to really talk about it either. So we both ignored it. Basically acted like it didn’t matter…. but it did!

We successfully had a kid after a lot of help from infertility docs, so even getting PG was a “clinical” process! And then no other kids/siblings because i just wasn’t up for more “clinical” sex or procedures.

And when our kid was 7, David and i celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary. So we endured a lot of superficial communications and very little sex… and when we did have sex… it was boring. (Have i said how boring it was?! Neither of us had “fun” or “got off”. We both were just going through the motions…. like “good boys and girls” do!)

About 4’ish months after our anniversary, David had been out of town for work (which was a lot back then) and i was washing clothes. When i took the clothes out of the dryer……

Two movie tickets stubs fell out.

Contagion.

R-rated movie.

It wasn’t with me.

When i looked at the calendar, it was…

On a Monday night.

A night that he had told me he was out of town.

i went online to United trips and he was NOT out of town.

And i was in shock.

i texted him, “who did you go to see Contagion with on that Monday night??”

And i stared at my phone both wanting an answer… and not.

What came back was, “why?”

i said, “I deserve to know! Is it someone I know? Is it someone you love? Is it someone you want to be with?”

And he responded with, “Yes. Yes. No, because I love you.”

I texted him back, “make up your mind by the time you land tonight at 6. I’ll be waiting. Our son will be at my bff’s. Don’t text or call me until I see you.”

And he proceeded to blow up my phone …. to which i read, but didn’t respond…. begging mercy, telling me how much he loves me, he wants a better marriage, he wants to be with me, he wishes he hadn’t done it, blah, blah, blah….. i refused to answer it.

i sat on the couch… as the sun went down… and waited. And cried. And was heart broken, angry, sad, cried, hated AND loved him. and had NO idea what to do.

When he walked in, i had already taken our son away for the night, and the first words he said were, “we are not sexually compatible.”

There was clearly a “contagion” in our house alright…. i just wasn’t sure where or when the source originated exactly, how to eradicate it, or how to become immune to it! or if i just wanted to let it kill “us” (“us being our marriage) and be done with him.

i knew her…. very well…. in fact, i thought she was a friend. And he proceeded to tell me they had been together for a FULL YEAR.

Timeout….. if you think “every woman knows”, i am living proof … they don’t! Maybe they should, but they don’t! Oh i knew we weren’t great, but i thought this was how marriage was supposed to be…. kinda boring, but comfortable and easy …..but i never thought this was what we had become.

That’s when i asked him if he wanted a Divorce. He said, “No. I want change.”

And what came next…. you’d NEVER guess….. and NO, it wasn’t DD.

Everything i am talking about here happened 8-years ago. We only discovered DD 2-years ago….. so guess again…..

And i’ll leave you right THERE…. on the edge.... kinda like i am right now…. i mean, i just HAVE to share this frustrating experience with you too!! ……. (see last post – 21 times to change a habit if you haven’t already).

And speaking of edging…. this is Day 2…. and i am getting incredibly frustrated. David made me watch a 30-minute porn video last night and said i could start and stop as much i needed to, but i was to watch the entire thing while edging. And of course, NO orgasm. I barely succeeded!

And to add to it, today he texted me, “are you horny little girl?? Have you been a good girl??”

Yes Sir! To both……

Hugs,

Marie

71 – 21 times to change a habit – that’s the goal!

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Most people have heard the phrase “it takes 21-days to change a habit”. Whether that’s fact or fiction remains unproven really, either way, David decided i am going to do a task this week 21-times without failing.

What is that task?

Edging. NO orgasm allowed. At least not by my hand. And i am not allowed to ask him to do it either. He may decide to touch me or allow me to orgasm on his own, but it will be at his decision and not mine.

i do NOT like edging. IT SUCKS! It sucks because it feels SOOOOO good… and yet requires absolute control. It is just Goal-oriented and not Pleasure-oriented. And absolutely NO indulging. NO losing myself in the sensations and the good vibe feelings it creates.

3 times a day for one solid week. Twenty-one times. In 7-days.

NO exceptions.

NO ability to NOT do it ….. or worse…. NO ability to go over the edge without him knowing because he is requiring every session to be either on video or in his presence. NO exceptions. At all.

He made it clear that i am truly expected to go TO-THE-EDGE….

And if it means i have to stop and restart again, just to ensure i go to the edge, i am to push my ability to GO-TO-THE-VERY-EDGE!

Twenty-one times in seven days. NO going over the edge. NO exceptions.

THIS is my GOAL for the next 7-days, 21- times. Goal-oriented. NOT pleasure-oriented.

When i asked, “what if i misjudge the edge and go over?”

i was told, “severe punishment will ensue. And then you’ll start the 21-times all over again until you accomplish this task successfully. And since you will want to orgasm pretty badly by the end, I am confident you can do this!”

(i’m certainly glad at least one of us is confident!)

Now you may be asking, “what prompted THIS?”

Ever since getting my nips pierced, i have been SO sex’d up and feeling SO turned on… that i have NEEDED Sir to allow me to orgasm. And he’s annoyed by this. Too much. i pushed his limits!

i haven’t exactly been submissive about it either. Yesterday i wore a dress and no panties… i was feeling SO needy i “conveniently” lifted my dress when he was on the couch, and my puss just happened to end up rubbing right up against his hand… and i smiled seductively and said, “do you want to use me?”

i got a big-fat- NO. And he swatted my clit and said, “you need to stop”. OUCH!… physical and mental!

And i went to bed without being touched or satisfied. Truly i thought it was done though because he didn’t act like it was anymore than that. But i was wrong.

This morning… he announced “this week we will teach you a lesson. You need to recognize that I know I can touch you anytime I want. But it is when I want, not when you want. YOU are not in control. You know this, but you don’t always show or act like it. And after yesterday’s stunt, you clearly need to learn to control your sexual desires. I love it when you dress sexy and give me serious eye candy, but I don’t like it when you push yourself on me like you did. That’s too demanding and completely unnecessary.. and clearly NOT the submissive that we both know (and love) that you are. You need to be patient and wait for me to be the one to satisfy you, at a time when it satisfies me!”

And that’s when he told me my task for the week. That my sexual needs will now be amped up at my own hand…. before my sexual needs are satisfied at the end of 7-successful days at his hand (or tongue or cock). And that’s when i’ll get to orgasm. And not until then.

“Yes Sir. Thank you Sir for the discipline and showing me you love me enough to want to help me do better. i love you Sir.”

“I love you too my sweetheart. Now go be a good girl and start your first edging for the day.”

Yes Sir.

i sure hope my goal is met in JUST 7-days!

i’ll let you know just how frustrated i do indeed get this week… this will be a very long week!

Hugs,

Marie

70 – insecurity and reassurance needed

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If you think i am confident in my own skin, lifestyle, and person… you are mostly right, but like everyone, sometimes doubt creeps in and i question everything. Okay, maybe not “everything”, but still.

Today was one of those days.

i reallyyyyyyy like my nipple piercings. (If you haven’t already, read this post first — > Happy Birthday to Sir).

i did both of them. It didn’t hurt nearly like i expect either during or now after. In fact, they don’t really hurt at all sometimes and i forgot i even did it. And at its worst, i’d categorize the pain at a “level 2”, so not much. But today… i doubted myself.

The pain comes and goes and when at “level 2”, the pain is a throbbing feeling. i think it is the blood flow learning to move around differently and it causes some throbbing. i know this will ease and eventually that won’t even be a thing.

But as it was throbbing, i pulled my shirt down and looked at my pierced nipples. As in, REALLY LOOKED at them. And i found fault.

Not in the piercing itself, but everything else… here were my thoughts…..

“my nipples aren’t that big, the aureolas aren’t that big. Those bar bells look stupid being so big. Why did i do this?”

“i am almost 50-years old. This was not something that someone my age should have done. Will i die with these in? What will someone think when i am 70- with these in?”

“i acted irrationally and just ‘did this’ too quickly. i didn’t even think this through. Maybe i just did it to please Sir and i don’t even know if he ‘r-e-a-l-l-y’ likes them”

TIMEOUT….. in my not-so-deep-in-my-head moments…

While some of it is true… my boobs are large (38-D) but nips and aur’s are small(er), i DID think about the piercings a LOT. i did do it for me, and yes Sir too, but not JUST him), and I DO like them and i KNOW he loves them!

But yesterday, i was my own worst enemy and lost confidence and doubted my recent actions.

i was alone at the time, and that was probably my first problem! But it was also about the time when i got a text from Sir. It said, “I just got a 90-minute massage all focused on my back. In talking with the masseuse, she pierced her nipples the same day as you.”

And then a pic of her pierced nipples came through too.

Now some of you may be wondering about his fidelity to me, why was he looking at her nips, etc. but that’s not what this post is about and i wasn’t the least bit concerned about that. i’ll address that another day.

What’s more is… i didn’t even think about the fact that he had a pic of her, that he was actually talking about mine, nothing.

What i focused on when i saw that pic was all the things that i was not. She had about the same size breasts as me, but larger nipples. And her jewelry had pink barbells, where mine is just ordinary plain silver. And i decided i liked hers more and got even more “upset” with myself in the process.

Sir had NO idea i was “in my head” at the time. He has been known to tell me, “get out of your head and join us in the real world.” And had he known what i was doing and thinking at the time, he likely would’ve said this to me.

i texted him back and said, “hers look better than mine with her larger nipples. i’ve never liked my smaller nipples and i don’t know that the piercings look as good on me as they do on her.”

He immediately wrote back, “I like yours. I have always liked yours and they look even better now with the piercings! She likes yours too. She basically said the same about yours as you did about hers.” (We took “before and after” pics of mine…..and if i get brave enough and David approves for me to ever show a pic of myself on here, i will show you…. but not now…sorry!. But he definitely must’ve showed her those pics of me).

TIMEOUT again…………

So this is where i truly sat back, rewound, and gave this whole situation more thought……..

Sir is CLEARLY …..V-E-R-Y … happy with ME…. before piercings and even more after! So much so, he is talking to a masseuse he just met, when he’s not with me, and “I” am on his mind! (i capitalized that “I” to emphasize that “I” was who he was thinking about. “I” was who he’s talking about. And “I” am who he is in love with!)

When i responded to his text, i just said, “really?” And he said, “YES. Are you doubting me?”

And i thought to myself, “No, i was actually doubting myself.”

Reassurance …. sometimes it is needed. Sometimes it comes in ways we wouldn’t expect (getting a text of another woman’s pierced nipples). Sometimes it comes when we need it most (when he talks about me to a complete stranger – Because he’s in love with ME and then tells me about it). Sometimes it’s in his touch (when he got home, while he knows he can’t touch the piercings until they are healed or it could risk infection, he instead cupped my breasts and squeezed the bottom sides and smiled big at me….. then proceeded to kiss me with passion and desire… like a “you are mine, ownership” desire.

And suddenly, i was in love with my nipples and the piercings they hold. And of course, my David. My husband, HoH, lover, and best friend!

(And btw… after the healing occurs, in about 2-months, i’ll change out the jewelry to pretty-pretty stuff…. maybe hoops that he can attach a chain from the nips to the clit…. 😋🙋‍♀️🥰😍☺️)

Hugs,

Marie

69 – S is for Submission and Spanking. outside. AND. inside!

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This morning my in-laws left to return home. i expected that when David returned from dropping them at the airport, i would be “Assuming the Position” for the first real spanking since mid-May…. pre-car accident and pre-nipple piercing.

i have had some missteps lately in my submissive walk. David explicitly asked me to go by the drug store to pick up the meds that he had refilled, then even texted on my way home telling me not to forget… and yes, i forgot.

Then i have been mouthing off too. (My mouth gets me into more trouble than anything else!) i asked David a question that was intended as a joke, but with his facial response and his questioning me afterward, i knew he didn’t receive it the way i intended.

So – i fully expected it. In fact, i was prepared to ask for it if i had to.

And while we haven’t exactly discussed it really, he got home and said, “Are you expecting it today?” (And i KNEW that “it” was a spanking!)

Yes Sir

He said, “Not now. You’ll wait until I’m ready.”

Well that surprised me, but ok. Ok, NOT ok! i got somewhat annoyed because i have to psych myself up for spankings, especially when we’ve had a break lately. i mentally prepare. And i had done that. But he is in charge and he was teaching me to be submissive and disciplined to his guidance. And ultimately… i think this was him testing me!

But i didn’t wait long. About 30-minutes later and he said, “it’s time”

Yes Sir

And i went and assumed the position.

Now i was a bit on edge and nervous about this today because: 1) it’s been awhile. And the first time back is always a stark reminder … and typically especially painful! And 2) i have these new nipple piercings which i am afraid of bumping or hitting them on anything, causing pain! (Happy Birthday to Sir!) And i was worried if i squirm/move too much with each swat, i would hit them on the bed and cause myself even more pain.

So as i waited for Sir to come in, i prayed.

“Lord, thank you for giving me David to lead me, guide me, and to have complete control over our house and my life. i need you to help calm my nerves and give me strength to be the wife he wants me to be by accepting fully this discipline that i know i deserve, and to let it be an ultimate reminder of the wife i need to be. i love you Jesus. Amen”

Now if David has been “on cue” the door would’ve opened right then. But he wasn’t. And it gave me the time to “just relax….”

When David did came in, he immediately started the warm up. It was a LOT of swats in one spot on the left cheek. And then he did a LOT more on the right cheek.

Then the real swats came. All over my ass, sometimes in the same spot but often not. Swift and hard. And then a big pause….. and SMACK … an especially hard one….. and another pause and another big SMACK!

i could hear the paddle on the way back hit the palm of his other hand and then it hit my ass immediately after.

S-M-A-C-K

Somewhere in the middle, he asked me, “is this enough? Should I stop?” (While continuing to reign downing my ass)

And i hesitated. He said, “it was a simple question! No right or wrong answer, except to hear no answer at all.”

SMACK.

So i told the truth (best way to respond!) with, “i’m not certain Sir. i want it to end because it is intense but i want it to be a lasting and effective impression too.”

SMACK

S-M-A-C-K

That was when he put his hand between my legs and felt how wet i was. And he start playing with my clit.

SMACK

Wow. Pain and pleasure!

And he stuck his thumb in my ass and started moving in and out super fast. Fucking me hard with his thumb.

SMACK

Then with a thumb in my ass, he stuck two fingers in my Puss. And in/out they went!

SMACK

One hand was forcing my inside to submit while the other hand was still forcing the outside of me to submit.

Through it all, as my eyes were watering and i wondered if i was going to truly cry, i said, “i love it when you make both my outside AND my inside submit to you.”

“GOOD! Because your ass belongs to me!”

SMACK

“And i love when you are control ALL of me….. my body, soul, and mind!”

That’s when I heard “come for me my love!”

And i did. A LOT!

Then he replaced his thumb with a plug and said, “this will be a reminder all day to submit fully…. outside AND inside.”

Yes Sir.

And just like that…God granted me my prayer… to accept my spanking with grace and submission to be a better wife moving forward!

(And i didn’t move much at all during the spanking, and when i did it was lifting UP off the bed to ensure my nipples didn’t get hurt! It was a successful spanking all in all!)

Hugs,

Marie