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Day 18: My Submissiveness

Written by Marie on . Posted in my submissiveness, Submission. No Comments on Day 18: My Submissiveness

DAY 18: PET HATES…Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? Any thing you particularly dislike or that annoys you? If so, what are they?

So i have been thinking about this one….. and i can’t think of a thing! Strange that i have NOTHING to say. 😜

Maybe i just forgot about …… (blank). What would you say i forgot? What is YOUR pet peeve/hate?

If i think of something, i’ll do an update. But i guess it’s good that i can’t think of anything! Right??

PS…. i have plenty of pet peeves in life in general, just nothing i can think of in the kinky/sexy arena. And since you asked what those might be: 1) in driving…. why do people drive side by side, taking up every lane on the road, for MILES at a time? Pass, move over, let the next person get by already! 2) know-it-alls. You do not know everything about everything. So why not quit acting like it?! Even if you think you know everything, there’s at least one perspective or angle that maybe you haven’t considered and when it is presented, you should be willing/open enough to consider you might be have been wrong from the start. 3) confrontation-avoidance. The problem doesn’t just go away by ignoring it. In fact, it may get bigger or worse. So be an adult…. address it, get past it, and move on. It may be that you have to agree to disagree, but then do it and move on. But avoiding it doesn’t typically make it go away either.

Okay, enough complaints for one Wednesday. Go enjoy hump day everyone!

Hugs,

Marie

115 – A Bratting Submissive

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On a previous post, a fellow blogger suggested that i may well be a “brat.” When she suggested it, i indicated i would research it. And i have.

And i must admit, it probably does describe me. Okay, fine, it DOES define me. Scratch the word probably from that sentence before.

But i didn’t exactly want it to be true though! The word “brat,” conjures up thoughts of a cranky, little child who is likely throwing a temper tantrum in order (to try) to get things their way. And the parent becoming incredibly annoyed that their child is acting this way, causing frustration that the parent even has to deal with this behavior.

It’s a negative behavior. Or so it seemed anyway. And i don’t want to be negative, troublesome, or to be problematic.

So all this is quite ironic because when i started googling various words and phrases about bratting, in my mind i heard myself saying things like, “i don’t even know why i am bothering to look this up. This is a waste of time. i am not a brat!!! This is just SO stupid to think this might describe me! This is SO not me!”

Kinda sounds like a cranky little kid throwing a temper tantrum, doesn’t it??? Oh my! Palm plant to the face now!

Ok…. so… after some time to “change the attitude,” i reread her exact comment that she made and it said, “Bratting isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Daddy happens to love it about me.”

Okay, so if it isn’t necessarily bad, then it could be inherently good! And she even said her Daddy likes it about her. That’s when i restarted the google search with a much improved attitude… looking for the good and not just bad.

i did this second search as i laid in bed next to Sir. One site described a submissive brat as:

“A brat is a BDSM submissive, usually female, who enjoys being mischievous, disobedient and cheeky to their dominant, usually in a lighthearted manner. A brat’s qualities will usually be fundamental to their dynamic. Brattiness may be temporary or enduring”.

When i read this (silently), i started to giggle (out loud). David asked me what was so funny and i said, “Listen to this….” and i read him that paragraph above. No preamble or backstory for him to even know what prompted the search or the read to begin with.

His response was to nod his head in agreement, to raise his eyebrows upward, and say, “oh yeah! That definitely defines you!”

He continued, “its the mischievous and cheeky words, typically in a lighthearted manner, that seem especially applicable. I always know if you are being cheeky or intentionally disobedient. You keep it fun… most of the time.”

This got me to thinking about how our entire relationship has ALWAYS been this way. We have always said things that can and often do trigger one another. But we typically do it in a lighthearted and fun way. Although in the past, when it did sometimes go too far and over the edge of acceptable, it became contentious which sometimes led to fights.

Now…… we don’t fight. We settle things according to our way of DD. It’s in these times when i particularly pushthe limit of acceptability that i find myself Assuming the Position for a spanking where often i end up regretting my actions!

But all this research and label-making got me to thinking about my entire life and things i’ve done that might’ve been brat-like-behavior. Often at the time i do it, i find myself thinking, “why did i do that??” and more often than not the answers that come back include, “because it’s fun…”, or “because i can” or “because i want to see their response.”

i ultimately don’t ever do things that truly, intentionally cause harm or pain or difficulty to others. Just enough to cause them to move out of their comfort zone and provide a good laugh (for me especially)! FYI….. While i think April Fools day is fun, i don’t typically do a lot…. because i get fearful that my idea of a joke may not be received as well (lighthearted and cheeky) as i intend it to be!

So an example of what i do do…. in public groups, i have noticed people tend to sit in the exact same place every time, like it is their assigned seat. But.. we know… it’s not. Not really anyway. So i like to disrupt their pattern.

Here’s a particular example…. i used to belong to a networking group designed to help build your customer base. We met over breakfast every week. Same day, same time, same place and for the most part… same people. And i noticed after several months of going … those same people sat in the same exact spot too.

And one day… i decided to mix it up.

i arrived a couple of minutes early and put my things in one lady (Mary) “assigned seat,” effectively ousting her and claiming it as my own. i then walked around, mixed/mingled, and waited to see her come in and discover her seat was taken…. and ultimately to see her reaction.

i wasn’t far from “the seat,” when Mary arrived. i saw her but she didn’t know i was watching her response or that i was the trouble-maker. Alright… go time!

She stopped short. Looked around. Looked confused. And then proceeded to have a “oh well” look and selected the next seat to the right. She put her things down and went to get water/bathroom before the meeting started. ohhhhh this just got interesting because that is Jeff’s spot! So the plot thickens!

So now Jeff arrives and sees his spot taken, and says in a questioning but in a calm/comfortable tone, “Who took my spot?” loud enough for most of us to hear. Well since Mary was in the bathroom no one really responded to him. So Monica is always the helpful, peace-maker, and offered up that he could sit next to her and he did. But T-H-A-T spot belonged to Lisa!! So at this point, i am smiling outwardly and giggling inwardly. i am SO bad, but this is SO fun. And i didn’t ultimately cause any real HARM. i just mixed things up ….. just a little…..

When the meeting came to order and everyone was seated, Mary says aloud, “Marie! So you are the one who took my seat…. and caused the trickle down effect…. resulting in half the room needing stronger coffee this morning!” Okay, guilty as charged… but wasn’t this fun mixing things up? (While they laughed…. i don’t think they had as much fun as i did!!)

My sister says i am a, “shit-starter,” and she rolls her eyes at me, and smiles as she says it. So i suppose on some level it makes sense that i’d be the same way with David too.

But since he’s now known me for almost 25-years now… i’d say he likes me and my crazy shenanigans so i am probably ok here! But now with DD, he even has a way to respond (positively/ no fighting) when i go too far too.

So ultimately i guess I will own the label…. bratty submissive. But only the good parts.

And i’ll share some other labels in coming posts that i think would or could also apply too! i wouldn’t want to limit myself to JUST ONE! 😜

Go have a great day…. and mix up someone’s routine by taking their seat today…. it will be fun!!

Hugs ~

Marie

Day 16 – My Submissiveness

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DAY 16: DIFFICULTIES…What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Hmm. This is a hard one for me to answer really. Probably because admitting your faults (or difficulties) is never a fun thing to do or talk about. But i guess i’d have to say…..

Not taking over. Not snatching back the authority i gave up. i do this a lot …. with David AND God.

When i was little, my Mom would tell me to “Give it to God.” And so i would. i would pray. And a day (or two) later, i’d (more or less) decide God took too long and i’d go “fix it myself.” Of course, this never worked then or now… but it feels like i am “doing” something!

Some of this “take it back” attitude basically comes from the idea of “empowerment”. Ok, even i’m not sure that makes complete sense in just one sentence, so let me explain…..

i grew up believing some of the rhetoric we hear in life, like “if you want it done right, do it yourself.” And like Nike says, “Just Do it.” And don’t forget the idea of, “you can do anything you set your mind to.”

So…. i have. Just done it. Myself. Anything i wanted to.

Couple this with the fact that i absolutely HATE asking for help. NO, i am NOT too stubborn or too prideful to accept it. Rather i know when i ask for help, i (feel like i) am putting someone else out to have them stop what they are doing and to help me. And i feel bad that i did that to them. (Never mind the fact that sometimes it is/ was their JOB to do what i need… i’ve still felt bad that i imposed upon them.)

The trouble is: i can’t always do everything myself. There are things i am simply not strong enough or have time enough to do myself.

i’ve read several business-minded self-help books that tell you, to know your strengths AND your weaknesses. Focus on your strengths yourself, and hire out (to an expert) your weaknesses, thereby making your weakness into a strength also.

So WHY is giving up control… and not snatching it back…. hard for me?

Because when it isn’t done in my timetable or to my level of standards, i get the attitude of, “get out of my way and i’ll just do this myself already!”

And maybe in some parts of my life (and especially at work!) this works.

But not in my marriage. Or with God.

In our D/s lifestyle, this type of behavior is more commonly called, “Topping from the bottom.” Because the person on “top” should be the Dom setting the standard/pace and in charge. While the person on “bottom” should be the sub, who listens/follows directives and is NOT in charge. So if/when i try to do David’s part from my position, i am topping from the bottom.

It has taken a lot of concentration and focus on my part to NOT snatch back the control i gave up… or might never have even had … and to wait. On David AND God.

Be Patient.

Recognize my way isn’t the only way.

Heck, my way may not even be the best or right way!

And if i stay in my role and do what i’m supposed to do, greater things lie ahead than what even i have dreamt of.

[i’ve been told to pray and ask God to give me patience. i did that once. Never again. i wouldn’t say i learned patience, but rather i learned just how impatient i really am! oh my!]

i won’t tell you i have mastered the “stay on bottom” part, but i do try hard(er) now than ever before. In part because of this blog and a follower. She told me in a comment that was what i was doing, and my first reaction was, “no i’m not. You just don’t know me/David.” i didn’t type that though in my response to her comment, instead i only thought it in my head. Yet, it weighed heavy on me until i changed my thought to be, “ok, maybe you are right.” And eventually i deleted the word, “maybe” from that sentence and let it simply be, “ok, you are right.”

Once i got to that place of acceptance, i have worked to be more submissive……… and patient, waiting on directive, staying in my lane, doing my part.

And when i succeed, i get rewards …… but when i fail, i get a raw bottom.

i will keep fighting against my impatience, work harder, and relish the benefits when they come…. and accept the punishments when they come too …… because as we all know, at that point it’s deserved.

But that is definitely my weakest point and most difficult part as a submissive.

Hugs,

Marie

Day 13: My Submissiveness

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Day 13: KINK APPEAL…Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

i am drawn to submission. And my husband is drawn to control. So it’s a good fit!

And why am i drawn to it? It a very simple……Because it makes my husband happy, which makes me happy.

i mean seriously… does there have to be more?

Seriously. Why wouldn’t every woman set out to have a happy husband?! If you love your husband, you WANT him to be happy! Right?!

Ok, so there might be more to it too…. like the ability to let go, let someone else, to not worry, to not have to make decisions, to go with the flow, to not be in control ALL the time… or none of the time!

And… i am also into Domestic Discipline. Or said more plainly, “spanking”.

Why?

Because when the first kinky thing (my submission, his Domination) fails, there has to be consequences!

So if you are wondering “why does there HAVE to be consequences?”

Well that’s simple. EVERYTHING has consequences. At least every decision does. Maybe it’s not a significant consequence, but there definitely is one.

What do i mean? Well, ok, let’s talk specific examples……

You decide to run the red light… you could get a ticket from the cop who saw it, you could get into a car accident, or maybe you got away with it… but your conscience knows, you didn’t make a good choice.

OR….

You decide to stop at the red light…. and the car behind you doesn’t stop so you are still in an accident, or maybe not that bad but simply that sitting at the light just causes you to get to work late and now you have to explain to the boss why you are late.

Life is full of alternative choices .. or… consequences.

So WHY wouldn’t a relationship also have consequences?

If i upset David, or i don’t do as i should or as he’d expect, i get in trouble. And before DD, it would just mean a huge-ass fight (!!!!) but now….. it results in his arm muscles getting stronger as he perfects the swing of the paddle as it collides with my bare ass.

And i accept it. Willingly.

That’s what i’m into and why it appeals to me. ❤️

Hugs,

Marie

DAY 4 of 30: My Submission

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DAY 4 : CLUES…Write about any early experiences that, in retrospect, hinted at your kinks.

“In retrospect”… those are key words here. i didn’t know it at the time, but now looking back there were a few things that i would say lead up to this moment of where (and who) i am now….. so…..

The earliest memory was in elementary, on the playground at recess, we had these metal poles… think of a fire,an pole at a fire house… like that..but not nearly as tall. There were 3-poles, in a line, and we took turns shimming to the top of these piles and then sliding down.

Well, i figured out that when i got to the top, something about that metal and pole and especially at the top of it made me feel very warm between my legs… and i liked it. So i would hug the pole and not want to come down, until i was pretty much made to.

As an adult, i know that my clit had gotten stimulated and it felt reallyyyyyy good and i didn’t want it to end. But as a 6-8 year old, i was sure it was something about that pole!

So i was sexually stimulated… in public… at a very young age… and i liked it!

Then sometime around 12’ish, in the late 80’s… i went to my dad’s house for a few weeks in the summer and found dirty magazines. i was absolutely fascinated by a series of photos of a woman shaving another woman’s pubic hair. i’m not sure if i was more turned on my a clean kitty or the fact a woman was doing it to her! And being in the late 80’s and almost a teen, i was keenly aware that neither looking at these magazines, shaving pubes, nor woman on woman action was deemed socially acceptable… But i liked it! i was SO turned on!

On that same trip to my dad’s, my stepmom – who has ALWAYS shared too much! – was dressing one morn and while doing so felt the need to tell my sister and i that she did not wear panties because “your dad likes easy access, which is also why I wear dresses with garter belts.”

And she dressed in plain view for us to see. Everything. And i was about 12 at the time. And i was fascinated, knowing i should’ve been appalled (and wasn’t!).

That whole experience was strangely odd to me because i knew i was supposed to be thinking she was some kind of strange, weird (bad) slut – but i didn’t. Instead, i actually thought it was awesome that she dressed to suit my dad and made him happy that way. And i wondered if i was going to see him flip up her skirt over dinner and touch her right there… but he didn’t. Or at least not where i saw anything anyway!

Then a couple of years later in HS, when it was the two of us at their house, my boyfriend showed me his Mom’s vibrating dildo… one that i’m sure she thought was “well-hidden”.

That’s when we had sex and he told me, “the only thing you are allowed to touch is my dick while i use this fake one on you”. And he got into a 69-position and i gave him head while he fucked me with his Mom’s dildo.

While i know none of these things were extremely kinky really, given my “inappropriate” reaction to each experience and especially the age that i was when each occurred, i think its made me realize i’ve been kinky my entire life!

But from this HS experience on, i started thinking i was weird and strange and crazy.. and needed to be more prim and proper or else “a good man won’t love me”. And i’d never be married with a family, i tried to put all this away… “in the closet” if you will.

Why my husband and i ever ended up with a boring sex life though is beyond me really given our first date experience. While i did indeed “put away” all these sexy thoughts and sort-of kinky ways, the very first date i ever went on with my husband, we had sex. And not just any sex!

He is a very dedicated college football fan. To this day, we have season tickets to his alma mater. We go to most of the games and the ones we don’t go to, we watch on tv. There is no other way to spend Saturday nights in the fall.. at least so he says anyway!

Our first date, was the night before the first home game of the season. At the end of the date, he took me to the football stadium and we snuck in where we made it out onto the field. And we had sex… on the field. It was on the 20-yard line, not the 50, but only because the school logo was painted on the 50 and there was a big spot light illuminating the logo.

And we were caught.. in the act! The security guard came up and said, “hey.. you can’t be out on the field!” And David rolled off of me, exposing me to the guard and said, “oh sorry. Ok, we will be going.” And stood up and started to leave.

Well a man can just unzip and rezip his pants, but as a woman, who did NOT have a dress on… i was half-naked. So when he rolled off of me, i was exposed and to mentally cope, i just acted and thought like, “the guard can’t see me and this is no big deal.” But i knew that wasn’t true in the slightest.

So i stood up and started walking away with only one pant leg in the hole, grabbing at my pants to get to get redressed while walking off the field… with my pussy on full display……

I’m not sure if i was mortified or turned on. Maybe both.

But alas… that was the last kinky thing i did for many years… until about 5-years ago when we came to the fork in the road that i mentioned in the previous post….. to which at the time of that fork, it was some hard times. But now, i am glad it happened because it allowed me to bring the kink “out of the closet and on full display” (in more ways than one! 😉)

This post is longer than i envisioned it would be, but i’m rather glad to have it all out in written form as even i didn’t realize all the small moments that lead up to today until i wrote it all out here and now.

i am proud of who i am now… who i am with David… and while i don’t think we will ever get divorced (now), i do know that with or without David… i am never going back to plain ole sex. Kinky is here to stay! ❤️

Hugs,

Marie

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