So much of D/s, specifically TPE, is about an emotional response to an activity. A dominant wants control over a situation and a submissive’s actions, as well as their feelings about what is happening to them. Location plays a big part of this. Doing a scene in a child’s bedroom can bring about different emotional responses from different subs. Some may take on a child-like persona; some may just be distracted by how uncomfortable they are around a bunch of toys (Can you guess which one I’d be?). Clean freak subs could be completely thrown from the dirty floor they are kneeling on. If that’s the response that the Dom wants, then great. If not, then it could ruin the scene.
We do not have a set dungeon space in our house. As much as Sir wants to have one eventually in a new place, I’m not holding my breath. So, when we play, we are not always in the same area, or even the same floor. And, I have found, that the various locations around our home bring out a strata of emotions, no matter what we are doing. Whatever the emotion, however, Sir has control over the space and what he wants me to feel throughout our play.
Bedroom
Because, obvious. I couldn’t really talk about BDSM scene locations without mentioning the bedroom. It is my favorite place to play. Most often the only place we have sex (unless the kids are not home or passed out). I just feel the most comfortable there. I find myself more willing to do anything and try anything because of how comfortable and safe I feel. Our room brings out my submissive pet nature and often my most sexual side. I have my little bed on the floor that I can see during our scenes.
I am always pulled into my submissive headspace when I am in the bedroom. Even if he is at work and I am just going in there to get laundry. I feel a wave of comfort and safety. It’s a gooey slavey place for me.
Sitting Room (First floor)
I generalized this as the first floor as we usually start in the sitting room, but I often end up crawling the entire space. Most of our scenes are played by the couch and coffee table.
This is a very high protocol space for me. I am often leashed when we play and there is more of a focus on service. I serve Sir drinks, often on trays. Sir wants me to be on my toes so that I can respond to his whims. And I feel that. I am comfortable, but always aware. I am rarely blindfolded, but often gagged, so that I can see his reactions and signals and react wordlessly.
This is a surprisingly comfortable space for me. I feel safe the strictness of it all. It’s not completely routine, but I am used to not being allowed to cum when we play in the sitting room. I don’t expect it anymore. I can focus on cock worship and general service. If I do get to cum, Sir usually takes me upstairs to the bedroom first (see why I like the bedroom).
Bathroom
This is a much more confusing area for me. I find I am able to transition my feelings when I am in the bathroom when he is not there with me (which is good). But I am very apprehensive in the bathroom with him.
Last night I had to squat next to him while he peed. Then he had me ‘clean off’ his penis with my tongue. It was hot. But there is always a sense of wondering what he is going to do. Was that it? Was there more?
This space holds a lot of dichotomy. Showering together (though we rarely get the chance), is a very sensual and calming experience. But when he uses me as a urinal I feel humiliated. Both can be positive, given the right context, but it is a little unnerving to not know which I will leave the bathroom feeling when he follows me in.
Basement
I hate our basement. I’m not sure I can clarify that enough for you. I hate it. It’s dirty, full of boxes, and we have to take a baby monitor down with us as it’s so far away from the sleeping kids.
I also hate it because Sir’s sadistic side comes out in the basement. He can string me up down there. He makes me walk along ropes with knots hitting my clit while hitting me with a crop. It sounds hot. In fact, I’m not sure I would have such a negative response if he did the same thing in our bedroom. But in this case, it is very much the location that brings about a specific feeling. Unease and dread.
The basement is cold. I’m naked, often gagged, and with way too much time to look at all the dirt on the floor and places where I need to organize. There is something about the space that puts me in a submissive, but almost kidnapped headspace. And I’m sure that is where Sir wants me to be. I am my most vulnerable down there. I’m uncomfortable and I will do anything to get out of there. Including take as much pain as humanly possible. Thankfully, he doesn’t take me down there often as he knows what an emotional drain it is.
~
As much as I would love to have a dungeon play space in our next home, I enjoy moving around our house when we play. The variety of emotions is helpful to me, and I think also to Sir, to enjoy our TPE in new ways. So check out all the rooms in your home to find the fun (and frightening) you can have.
*This is a look at how I feel in different spaces during specific play. Your results WILL vary. Play safe.*
As part of our rework this weekend, Sir and I talked about how we have been having some issues with communication. Sir doesn’t feel that I have been open enough about my struggles with submitting to him during the work day and when I am alone with the boys. I think that I fight the urge to burden him with my stress while he is at work. But, by not being open with my horniness, stress, and desire to submit, he feels directionless in dominating me. And I have been getting more and more bitter on nights when I go to bed horny and frustrated. With the stress of the children and, recently, this job search, it just doesn’t work. I just get upset and mad at him, and everyone else; my fuse is millimeters long. Not good for a mom with young children. Not to mentioned depressed, stressed, and sleep-deprived.
So, in his infinite wisdom, Sir has decided on a different approach. Rather than sex as a reward he is going to use chastity as punishment. I know that that sounds like the same thing, but it is actually very different. Before, my orgasms were a reward for extremely good behavior. These were often given at the end of a scene or play, after he had cum. So, if for whatever reason, our time was cut short (remember, young children) my orgasm would be forfeit. I found it hard to stay motivated and often found myself getting snippy and bratty because of this. I felt unappreciated and that my service, both domestic and sexual, was being ignored.
And I hated feeling like that. I really approach my submission with a ‘whatever he says goes’ and ‘suck it up, buttercup’ attitude. So why couldn’t I accept his decision about my orgasms? Truthfully, I don’t think I know how to completely deal with my raised sex drive. Basically, since I got pregnant with our second child and I started researching BDSM my horniness has really come out. I thought it may go down after I gave birth, but it didn’t. And now that I have my depression under control, I don’t have anything else to ‘blame’. BDSM has given me the ability and the platform to be the, apparently previously hidden, sexual person I really am. And as much as I love that realization, I’ve not actually had to time to process it’s ramifications completely. Even after we got married, I would go weeks without an orgasm and be fine. I survived my first pregnancy and recovery without issue. This moody response that triggers after hardly 48 hours has been as hard for me to deal with as it has been for Sir. It’s not acceptable, but I haven’t found anything to fix it. So instead, Sir and I need to adapt.
Now my orgasms are not wishful thinking. His are.
If I preform tasks, like Sunday’s cleaning, I get a massive orgasm; or possibly many. Even if I don’t impress him, my orgasm isn’t necessarily taken off the table. But it will be quick. No time will be taken; no after cuddles provided. More importantly, now, are his orgasms. If I succeed in my ordered endeavors, I will get the chance to give him an amazing orgasm. On Sunday, if I had not followed his direction, he said that he would just jerk off in a towel. At first I was startled that he would be ok masturbating rather than using my body. But then I realized how upset I was at the thought that my behavior would cause him to have to do that. Immediately I wanted to do everything I could to avoid him having to use a towel. My orgasm wasn’t important, I just didn’t want him to not be given the relaxing orgasm that he deserves; that my body could give him. Like it was some sort of horror. It didn’t used to be. I remember, before BDSM, I would go to sleep and he would be horny and just jerk off so he could fall asleep. It never really bothered me then. But I remember this feeling of panic when he told me as he put my gag on Sunday night.
I never would have thought that ‘switching’ the orgasm focus could be so effective. And so immediate. And so lasting. Sir didn’t have a great Monday and turned in soon after the boys went to bed. So I came downstairs to write and finish up a few work bits and bobs. I felt good. Not bitter, and certainly not moody at the idea that he needed some rest. I was calm. Calm and happy.
Sex leads to submission, submission leads to sex. I think this new approach will be a win/win for both of us. Because I will do whatever I can to keep him away from that towel and reaching for me instead.
i was lucky: the domestic discipline contract David and I established in the beginning was relatively easy for both of us. i consider myself fortunate enough to marry a man who was willing to explore his dominant role hand-in-hand with me, i never had to go through the dilemma that most women find themselves in.
In most households, it’s the women who start this conversation. i know that there are men seeking DD relationships also, but for now let’s look at the woman’s perspective. i think because it’s the interest in spanking that all of us share which starts the ball rolling, it’s some time before women realize that it isn’t just spanking but something deeper they want – a real disciplinary framework backed up by consequences. For most women, they want those consequences to be spanking; there’s just something cathartic about it that is unlike having privileges taken away.
Because of that, many people seeking advice in the past on domestic discipline have been told to provoke or ask for spanking, which is really bad advice. Unfortunately, because so there’s so much out there for people wondering “am I kinky?”, or who get turned on by the thought of being a spanked wife, but not so much for people focused more on how to start domestic discipline. For me, approaching David and asking him for what i felt i needed – specifically my need for structure through discipline in addition to the arousal, pleasure, and release i get from his spankings – was crucial to our setting off on the right path.
i’ve gotten comments from people who for one reason or another have gone halfway on this first step finding themselves unsure how to correct the feeling that they’ve somehow gotten off course. “I got up the courage to tell my husband that I want to be spanked and now he thinks I’m kinky. He just doesn’t understand. It’s not just about that!”
For men, who often take things at face value if his woman tells him that she wants to be spanked then that is just what that means to him and he’ll either think it a nice new “spice” in the bedroom or will simply tell her he’s not interested in playing those kind of sexual games.
While domestic discipline often incorporates spanking, spanking isn’t all what it’s all about. Domestic discipline is about a loving disciplinary framework worked out and agreed upon by both partners. In this relationship, rules are laid out that both can live with from a compliance and an enforcement standpoint. She has to feel comfortable obeying them; he has to feel they are important enough to enforce. He has to agree to follow through. She has to agree not to abuse her need to feel boundaries by breaking them intentionally just to get punished. This relationship shouldn’t feel like a parent/child setting but a system between two equals.
Domestic discipline is a contract between you and your husband, with rules that must be followed in order for it to work. For a contract to work, it has to be understood by both parties, who have to agree to it. If a contract is going to be sustainable, it has to benefit both parties.
It helps to have already established a relationship with your husband where you can tell him your feelings and insecurities without the fear of reproach or ridicule. It really helps if you’re in a relationship with a husand with whom you can communicate and whom you respect. If the relationship is already rocky, the last thing you want to do is implement a system where there is a power imbalance. If your marriage isn’t strong, shelve DD awhile and work on the relationship. You can always try to implement it later.
If you can talk to him, tell him that you have a deep, unmet need for limits and guidelines. Tell him that you feel secure living under the rules of loving authority. Reassure him that you aren’t looking for a daddy but more of a mentor figure who will shepherd you within a loving framework.
Give him time to absorb this. Remember that in our politically correct culture, a male-dominated home may seem almost like an alien concept. In the initial conversation you may not even want to bring up the subject of rules or consequences. Just let him know about your needs. Answer any questions he has as honestly as you can.
If he does understand and – best case scenario – this appeals to him then you will want to start brainstorming together about a possible rules and consequences. At this point you could bring up spanking. He may embrace the idea or he may really shy away from it because men are told they shouldn’t hit women. It’s a good idea at this point to let him in on what you already know, which is that quite a few principled men and women are living in arrangements where spanking and other consequences are used quite effectively. Again, give him time to absorb what you have said. If he’s so inclined he can solicit advice from some men who are already established as dominant partners in their relationship.
If he is open to the idea of a domestic discipline contract, shower him with love and appreciation. If he is reluctant, be understanding and patient. If he flat out refuses – worst case scenario – respect his feelings and try to imagine how you would feel if he were trying to convince you to discipline him. Some men are not interested in having a submissive wife, or in being a dominant husband and as much as it hurts, if you are in a relationship to stay then you must not push something on him that will bring him unhappiness.
Building a domestic discipline relationship is like building a house. It requires a good foundation of respect, understanding and patience. That foundation is your domestic discipline contract. If approached in a prudent manner dividends will pay off in the long run and you will both have a household that is the richer for it.
We are in KY for a get away vacation together. We will be here from today through Sunday. Just the two of us.
As i knew we’d see loads of people on this trip, but absolutely no one i would ever see again, i packed some clothes that i felt would create a “moderately sexy” look. Outfits that would be a bit on the risqué side for everyday wear, but nothing that would be cause for anything other than something “super nice to look at” too.
This pic is me today. Can you see my nips? They are showing, but covertly too. i don’t wear a bra or panties any too often, and today is no exception. Today i am wearing a one piece, snap up, onesie top with David’s favorite grey fitted jeans. And one of my favorite dainty collars too.
After i was dressed this morning, David eyed me too to bottom and his words were, “THAT is sexy!” Which is all the confirmation i needed to have the confidence to wear it.
The onesie has snaps on the front from my neck to my belly button. It can be as open, or closed, as desired. It also has snaps at the crotch to hold it in place there, as well as provide for easy access, if desired. Boy do i wish i had my CB on today. After going to the bathroom, i have both of my hands in my crotch to get the snaps reattached, causing me to touch myself. And causing arousal. And making me wish i could just lock her up and not be touched! But not an option.
i wasn’t entirely sure how many snaps on the front to close… or to leave open…. so i asked Sir. His response was “Two open. For now.”
i don’t know if confidence is a quality someone is just born with, but i am certainly one who has had to grow into it. i am growing in my confidence to wear “sexy” clothes. In the past, and especially prior to D/s, i would say i have ALWAYS erred on the side of way-too-conservative. i am SO trying to change that now. i would think that if you could see the crack between my boobs, my shirt was wayyyyy tooooooo low! And if my skirt was above my knees (by more than 1-2 inches), it was way too short. In my opinion of course.
David would have much preferred to see that boob crack and more even, and he doesn’t mind having me (somewhat) on display for others to see too. Not that he has ever wanted me to be too much on display, but if others were to see me and take notice, he would take pride and so should i. He would tell me that if i have something to show (and i do!) then “let people see, stare, and wish they were me (or either of us!)”
If a man looks, he’s probably a little jealous and maybe thinking, “damn. My wife doesn’t wear those clothes.” Or maybe he’s thinking, “wonder what I’d have to do to get her to open up more of those snaps!!?!”
And if a woman were to see me, she’d probably think one of two things: 1) “You go girl! Flaunt it!” OR 2) “she’s a slut with it hanging out like that.”
Any of those responses are a-ok by David and he takes pride in the fact that i wore it, someone noticed, and (most likely) they are jealous they can’t, won’t, or don’t wear it too.
That was before i had confidence to buy sexy, low-cut clothes, let alone wear them. i don’t wear them all the time, but i wear them now more than i ever used to which was never!
This summer i bought a 2-piece bikini. Something i have not worn since i was about 6 hrs old! But David loves it and has asked me to wear it in the past several times and until this year, i never had the courage to do so.
i am definitely growing in confidence. i don’t know why i ever worried about it though. i mean truly, who cares what someone may or may not think of you? What is the worst that can happen? They think lowly of you and don’t want to be your friend. Ok…. So… what?! The only “friend” i really need is David! i’m not saying i have no other friends, but David is really the one that matters the most. And the others can come or go in the end!
Today. i am completely and fully aware of how much “more” i am showing. i am busy looking around to see if people are seeing me, and if so, trying to read their face to know what they are thinking. All the while, telling myself, “what they think does not matter! Puff out your chest and show your cleavage off with pride! The same pride David has in knowing you belong to him!” (Keeping in mind i only have two snaps undone in the first place, so not a LOT showing anyway!)
i don’t know if other people have confidence to wear anything anytime, or if this is a learned trait, or maybe some of both. What i know is that as David’s submissive, i have learned to take pride in dressing in a way that is sexy and appealing to him…. Even if it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. And that discomfort is ok.
It takes courage to do something that you might not do otherwise. But when you do it (over and over again), it becomes more and more easy to do, as it becomes more and more of a normal activity… which causes it to be less and less uncomfortable too.
As of today… for me…. i can now wear a two piece bikini without thinking twice, but a low-cut onesie top today is still uncomfortable. But i did it anyway, and have held my head high and my shoulders back! Learning to do things with confidence that pleases David is learning to be a good submissive!
I COULD END THIS HERE.
BUT…. I HAVE SOME MORE THOUGHTS……
While i suspect this will NOT happen, causing this next part to be purely fictional, this is some of the things that have swirled around in my head this morning.
As FYI….Usually my fictional stories start with something that’s happened in real life, and my mind then extrapolates to a possible/ alternative ending. And that’s my inspiration for when i write up a “fiction story.” But in all honestly, the first part of most of my fiction started with some nonfiction too!
So this next part is mostly pure fiction but based on my outfit today and started when David said to have two snaps undone, “for now.” i say “mostly” fiction because the activities we DID do today, but the conversation was not.
But his words got me thinking about the question, “when will the directive come to undo three snaps… or four…. And how will i respond or what will i think….”
So here’s what i thought about…. And again, is (mostly) pure fiction from here on…….
An hour into our day David asked me, “how many snaps are on that top anyway?”
He asked that because the very bottom snap that was visible was just above the waistband of my jeans. It gave a look that implied the snaps may continue all the way down and into my pants. They did not. And I told him that what he could see was all there were.
I could tell his mind was swirling this information around, to which I wondered what he was thinking so I asked, “Could you think out loud Sir?”
That’s when he said, “We have several activities planned today, lasting about 8 or 9 hours in total. By the end of the day, I think it would be lovely to have all 6-snaps coming open and undone.”
He continued on, “Set your alarm for 90-minutes. Every time it goes off, you’ll unsnap another one and reset the alarm.”
“By the end of the day, I should be able to see them all open and undone. I suspect I’ll enjoy the day a lot more now than I would’ve otherwise,” was his final words, which he said with a huge grin on his face too.
I asked, “But Sir, if I do that, I am sure anyone will be able to see my big boobs hanging out.”
He was still smiling and said, “okay. Yea. So what’s the problem?”
I know my Sir well enough to know that he would never do anything to get me arrested or cause harm to either of us, but that a directive is a directive. And frequently he’s told me these types of things just to see if I will trust him or not. So I just said, “Yes Sir,” and set the alarm on my phone for 90-minutes.
With that, we got in the car to head to breakfast. I wondered if the waitress, looking down at me as I sat in the booth seeing the top-down angle and into my shirt, was thinking it was too early in the morning to be seeing all that! I tried not to think about that and instead focus on my Sir’s happiness. That made me sit tall and smile big.
Soon enough, we were done with breakfast and back in the car. Usually Sir droves, but he had told me to drive so he could consult the agenda and program the locations into Google. We were in the car, getting onto the interstate, when my phone alarm sounded. The first 90-minutes had expired. I jumped at the sound and my heart started to race as I realized what it meant.
I looked over at my Sir and he smiled. He grabbed up my phone and said, “I’ll reset the timer while you reach down and open a snap. That’s the 3rd of 6, since the first 2 were already open, correct?”
I shyly responded, “Yes Sir.”
To which Sir said, “Say it with confidence my love! This is good! And this is going to make this day amazing too.”
And I unsnapped the 3rd snap, returned my hand to the wheel and said with confidence, “Yes Sir.”
We were on our way to the well known Bourbon Distillery in KY, for a tour and tasting event. We had about a 30-minute drove there and as I drove, I stole glances down at my chest. From my angle, it looked like I was nearly hanging out of my top. I’ll made sure to be keenly aware of the sides of my top to ensure I didn’t inadvertently hang out and get myself in trouble at the distillery.
We arrived just in time to get into the tour that we had previously booked. As we started out, our tour guide said we would all enjoy the next hour together learning all about how bourbon is made and ending with a tasting.
David leaned into my ear and said, “we will be ending just in time to open up another snap!”
I learned a lot about bourbon along the tour, and now we were tasting the different ones that are made on site. I don’t much care for bourbon, but David does, so I’m enjoying the experience and time with him.
And the alarm went off.
He leaned in and said, “snap #4.” Yes, I know Sir. I’m getting increasingly stressed about how much cleavage I’m showing off, but…. okay, I’ll obeyas the good submissive wife I am!
Since my phone was in my purse on the floor, I leaned down and grabbed it, reset the timer, and as I moved back to the upright position, I unsnapped #4. As I was back fully upright, David leaned in once again and said, “That’s my good girl! I’m loving the view and your obedience!”
I glanced down and was incredibly nervous about how much anyone can see now. Of course, my nipples aren’t showing but I’ll have to be careful to ensure they don’t just pop right out of my top too. I SO wish I wasn’t in this position, but maybe more so, I SO wish I just hadn’t put on this onesie in the first place. I wouldn’t be wrestling now with showing off my nips if I hadn’t wanted to show off for my Sir. But I suppose there’s something to be said that I’m making him so happy too!
Soon enough the tasting was over. Thank God we can get in the car and just be the two of us again too!
In the car, Sir said, “Time for lunch now.” And we went to a local pizza place. Great. Family atmosphere with a slutty wife on display! Can’t wait! Sarcasm at its finest. I am fighting everything in me to just re-snap all these snaps back closed, it I keep telling myself, “no one knows me or will ever see me again! Keep your Sir happy!”
And as we were back in the car, the alarm went off again. I heard Sir say, “and just like that…. #5!” He is SO proud of himself and SO testing my courage.
I spoke up, “Sir, I am really not comfortable anymore. I feel half dressed at this point. Please Sir, don’t make me undo anymore snaps. It’s still daylight even!”
I heard my Sir say, “oh now… my love… don’t disappoint me now. This is fun! Do as I ask and all will be good. I don’t want to have to spank you for disobeying now!”
And I opened snap #5. As I did, I looked over at Sir. He smiled and grabbed my hand. He squeezed with a seal of approval and he said, “that’s my girl. I knew you could do it!”
Thank GOD we were in the car and I could relax without the worry of showing my nips to someone. I wasn’t sure where he had me driving us to now, but I prayed it wasn’t anywhere too public too. I just followed the google map directions and didn’t ask anymore questions.
Sir must’ve realized my apprehension was at at all time high, but rather than give in to me, he decided to amp it up yet another notch. He released my hand and slid his hand under my top. He squeezed my nipple hard and tweaked it hard. I flinched. He felt it and asked, as a rhetorical question, “hurt?!”
“Yes Sir.”
Sir continued to massage my breasts in full and didn’t stop for quite awhile. As I tried to stay focused on driving, it was extra hard to drive as he played with my tits. It wasn’t much longer and I realized where we were headed. Back to the hotel. I felt relief flood over me. We pulled in and parked.
After getting to our room, Sir said, “take it all off now. I’ve managed to get myself rock hard watching you today and need to get relief now. I’m going to fuck you hard until we both orgasm.”
He continued, “Get on the bed on your stomach and spread your legs wide for me. I’m going to fuck you doggy style so I can ram you hard and fast. I want to orgasm quick as my dick is super achy sore after watching you show off your tits all morning. You’ve been such a good girl and now I’m going to reward us both!”
And he did as he said. He fucked me fast and furious until we both orgasmed long and hard. It was amazing and I loved being rode so hard too.
When he was done, he said, “Now get redressed. Time to go again. We have another tour and tasting. Then tonight we will be at the best steakhouse in town.”
“Thank you Sir for using your pussy and allowing me to orgasm.” I made sure to tell him. Sudden,y all my stress for showing off seemed so worth it. I’ll never see those people again, but my Sir is in love with me!
“You’re welcome. You know what? I want to repeat the 90-minutes routine, but let’s start over at just 2-unsnapped. I bet by dinner, you’ll be showing off everything again! Can’t wait to see what the dinner crowd thinks! And maybe I’ll fuck you again tonight too if you are a good girl once again!”
Sometimes you learn exactly what you are, and exactly how to act, and exactly why you do what you do. And sometimes that happens all on your own.
That’s what’s happened to me.
While i have been incredibly happy to submit, for years now, i know that David has not always been so receptive. In fact, sometimes if it weren’t for me FORCING our relationship into the box i wanted it to be (one of D/s or DD), D/s wouldn’t be a thing for us.
Don’t misunderstand, he has loved my submissiveness. He just hasn’t always liked the Dominant role i thrust him into.
In times where i have been absent from this blog is primarily the same times that i have given up on the whole idea and thought, “This is dumb!” The “Whole idea” being both about D/s AND this blog.
In times where we have been spot-on and doing/living the D/s dynamic, we are great. We are alive with newness and excitement, and we never fight. Because we don’t need to fight. Because we are exactly aligned. Which is exactly why i love the dynamic and living it too.
But if it’s forced, it’s not good.
i decided with the new year for 2022, i just wouldn’t. i wouldn’t fight for it or force it or try to make it to happen in any way. i haven’t pressured David to do what HE doesn’t want to, or that HE didn’t initiate.
While we’ve had a good 2022 in these many months, it’s been almost exclusively with a vanilla/normal relationship. It was as if the D/s dynamic just faded away until its just nothing more than a memory to talk about in a nostalgic way… like “remember when we used to….” type way.
The fact he doesn’t ever bring it up or talk about it, let alone act on it, and has told me that he’s just not that into it. So i have let it drop. Mostly.
It saddens me to NOT have it, but it is what it is. i can’t be submissive and force him to be a Dominate at the same time. He isn’t a puppet to just merely act the part that i have written the script for.
But i know who i am. And i am submissive.
To Him.
Only.
i have tried to pretend its not me, that it’s not who i am. i have tried to forget about it too, and act “normal”. But. i can’t. i can’t forget. And i realize MY normal is being a submissive.
i have come to realize all this all on my own. i can’t change him into what i want. He has to want it. But likewise, he can’t change me into what he wants me to be either.
What i know without a doubt = i am His submissive.
And i have decided to start acting it more than talking about it. i have also decided to stop trying to force him to act like he’s my Dom too. If or when he wants to, he will have an open door.
i decided to tell him all this today, much in the same way i just told you. i think it surprised him as i think he has assumed i was over it. i think he thought it was a fad for me. And now that we haven’t done it (lived or forced it to happen) for many months now, it was a long-ago-forgotten memory.
i don’t know what this means or how it will play out exactly. But what i do know is that he’s always been and always will be my Sir. And i will acknowledge and show him the respect that entails for as long as i live.
Maybe one day he will want to be my Dom all on his own too. In the meantime, i won’t force it, demand it, or try to just get it to happen. i will be the submissive wife i have proclaimed to be. And let the rest all be what it will be.
i don’t know what that means for this blog either. i will probably be here telling you about me and my side of the story, but … that’s pretty much what i have already done for more than 2-years too! So … probably no real changes there. Ha!
For the first time ever though, i am going to absolutely refuse to top-from-the-bottom now…. i always knew i was kind of doing this, but now i know it’s not ok.
i will say prayers that David decides to be my Dominant Husband, and not just my Vanilla Husband. But either way, i will be his submissive.
