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A Domestic Discipline Contract Is A Godsend

Written by Marie on . Posted in Domestic Discipline, Marriage, Spanking, Wife Spanking. No Comments on A Domestic Discipline Contract Is A Godsend

i was lucky: the domestic discipline contract David and I established in the beginning was relatively easy for both of us. i consider myself fortunate enough to marry a man who was willing to explore his dominant role hand-in-hand with me, i never had to go through the dilemma that most women find themselves in.

domestic discipline contract

In most households, it’s the women who start this conversation. i know that there are men seeking DD relationships also, but for now let’s look at the woman’s perspective. i think because it’s the interest in spanking that all of us share which starts the ball rolling, it’s some time before women realize that it isn’t just spanking but something deeper they want – a real disciplinary framework backed up by consequences. For most women, they want those consequences to be spanking; there’s just something cathartic about it that is unlike having privileges taken away.

Because of that, many people seeking advice in the past on domestic discipline have been told to provoke or ask for spanking, which is really bad advice. Unfortunately, because so there’s so much out there for people wondering “am I kinky?”, or who get turned on by the thought of being a spanked wife, but not so much for people focused more on how to start domestic discipline. For me, approaching David and asking him for what i felt i needed – specifically my need for structure through discipline in addition to the arousal, pleasure, and release i get from his spankings – was crucial to our setting off on the right path.

i’ve gotten comments from people who for one reason or another have gone halfway on this first step finding themselves unsure how to correct the feeling that they’ve somehow gotten off course. “I got up the courage to tell my husband that I want to be spanked and now he thinks I’m kinky. He just doesn’t understand. It’s not just about that!”

For men, who often take things at face value if his woman tells him that she wants to be spanked then that is just what that means to him and he’ll either think it a nice new “spice” in the bedroom or will simply tell her he’s not interested in playing those kind of sexual games.

While domestic discipline often incorporates spanking, spanking isn’t all what it’s all about. Domestic discipline is about a loving disciplinary framework worked out and agreed upon by both partners. In this relationship, rules are laid out that both can live with from a compliance and an enforcement standpoint. She has to feel comfortable obeying them; he has to feel they are important enough to enforce. He has to agree to follow through. She has to agree not to abuse her need to feel boundaries by breaking them intentionally just to get punished. This relationship shouldn’t feel like a parent/child setting but a system between two equals.

Domestic discipline is a contract between you and your husband, with rules that must be followed in order for it to work. For a contract to work, it has to be understood by both parties, who have to agree to it. If a contract is going to be sustainable, it has to benefit both parties.

It helps to have already established a relationship with your husband where you can tell him your feelings and insecurities without the fear of reproach or ridicule. It really helps if you’re in a relationship with a husand with whom you can communicate and whom you respect. If the relationship is already rocky, the last thing you want to do is implement a system where there is a power imbalance. If your marriage isn’t strong, shelve DD awhile and work on the relationship. You can always try to implement it later.

If you can talk to him, tell him that you have a deep, unmet need for limits and guidelines. Tell him that you feel secure living under the rules of loving authority. Reassure him that you aren’t looking for a daddy but more of a mentor figure who will shepherd you within a loving framework.

Give him time to absorb this. Remember that in our politically correct culture, a male-dominated home may seem almost like an alien concept. In the initial conversation you may not even want to bring up the subject of  rules or consequences. Just let him know about your needs. Answer any questions he has as honestly as you can.

If he does understand and – best case scenario – this appeals to him then you will want to start brainstorming together about a possible rules and consequences. At this point you could bring up spanking. He may embrace the idea or he may really shy away from it because men are told they shouldn’t hit women. It’s a good idea at this point to let him in on what you already know, which is that quite a few principled men and women are living in arrangements where spanking and other consequences are used quite effectively. Again, give him time to absorb what you have said. If he’s so inclined he can solicit advice from some men who are already established as dominant partners in their relationship.

If he is open to the idea of a domestic discipline contract, shower him with love and appreciation. If he is reluctant, be understanding and patient. If he flat out refuses – worst case scenario – respect his feelings and try to imagine how you would feel if he were trying to convince you to discipline him. Some men are not interested in having a submissive wife, or in being a dominant husband and as much as it hurts, if you are in a relationship to stay then you must not push something on him that will bring him unhappiness.

Building a domestic discipline relationship is like building a house. It requires a good foundation of respect, understanding and patience. That foundation is your domestic discipline contract. If approached in a prudent manner dividends will pay off in the long run and you will both have a household that is the richer for it.

231 – Can’t force it. Just let it be.

Written by Marie on . Posted in Marriage, My Dominant Sir, Submission. No Comments on 231 – Can’t force it. Just let it be.

Sometimes you learn exactly what you are, and exactly how to act, and exactly why you do what you do. And sometimes that happens all on your own.

That’s what’s happened to me.

While i have been incredibly happy to submit, for years now, i know that David has not always been so receptive. In fact, sometimes if it weren’t for me FORCING our relationship into the box i wanted it to be (one of D/s or DD), D/s wouldn’t be a thing for us.

Don’t misunderstand, he has loved my submissiveness. He just hasn’t always liked the Dominant role i thrust him into.

In times where i have been absent from this blog is primarily the same times that i have given up on the whole idea and thought, “This is dumb!” The “Whole idea” being both about D/s AND this blog.

In times where we have been spot-on and doing/living the D/s dynamic, we are great. We are alive with newness and excitement, and we never fight. Because we don’t need to fight. Because we are exactly aligned. Which is exactly why i love the dynamic and living it too.

But if it’s forced, it’s not good.

i decided with the new year for 2022, i just wouldn’t. i wouldn’t fight for it or force it or try to make it to happen in any way. i haven’t pressured David to do what HE doesn’t want to, or that HE didn’t initiate.

While we’ve had a good 2022 in these many months, it’s been almost exclusively with a vanilla/normal relationship. It was as if the D/s dynamic just faded away until its just nothing more than a memory to talk about in a nostalgic way… like “remember when we used to….” type way.

The fact he doesn’t ever bring it up or talk about it, let alone act on it, and has told me that he’s just not that into it. So i have let it drop. Mostly.

It saddens me to NOT have it, but it is what it is. i can’t be submissive and force him to be a Dominate at the same time. He isn’t a puppet to just merely act the part that i have written the script for.

But i know who i am. And i am submissive.

To Him.

Only.

i have tried to pretend its not me, that it’s not who i am. i have tried to forget about it too, and act “normal”. But. i can’t. i can’t forget. And i realize MY normal is being a submissive.

i have come to realize all this all on my own. i can’t change him into what i want. He has to want it. But likewise, he can’t change me into what he wants me to be either.

What i know without a doubt = i am His submissive.

And i have decided to start acting it more than talking about it. i have also decided to stop trying to force him to act like he’s my Dom too. If or when he wants to, he will have an open door.

i decided to tell him all this today, much in the same way i just told you. i think it surprised him as i think he has assumed i was over it. i think he thought it was a fad for me. And now that we haven’t done it (lived or forced it to happen) for many months now, it was a long-ago-forgotten memory.

i don’t know what this means or how it will play out exactly. But what i do know is that he’s always been and always will be my Sir. And i will acknowledge and show him the respect that entails for as long as i live.

Maybe one day he will want to be my Dom all on his own too. In the meantime, i won’t force it, demand it, or try to just get it to happen. i will be the submissive wife i have proclaimed to be. And let the rest all be what it will be.

i don’t know what that means for this blog either. i will probably be here telling you about me and my side of the story, but … that’s pretty much what i have already done for more than 2-years too! So … probably no real changes there. Ha!

For the first time ever though, i am going to absolutely refuse to top-from-the-bottom now…. i always knew i was kind of doing this, but now i know it’s not ok.

i will say prayers that David decides to be my Dominant Husband, and not just my Vanilla Husband. But either way, i will be his submissive.

Hugs,

Marie

223 – December Blinders

Written by Marie on . Posted in Marriage, My Dominant Sir, my submissiveness, Submission. No Comments on 223 – December Blinders

December is supposed to be the “most wonderful season of all,” at least according to all the Christmas season songs. i find it can be the most hectic and busiest time of all.

And when i get busy… i get stressed…. And the way i deal with stress is to get laser focused on the task at hand, get it done, and checked off the list. Kinda like a race horse with blinders on, i put on my blinders and get focused.

Blinders, as shown in the photo, on a race horse is done to allow it to just focus on what’s straight ahead: the finish line.

As i was searching for the perfect race horse blinder photo, i saw these words on a website that described why a race horse wears the blinders:

Horses wear blinders in order to keep them focused on the job in front of them, not on any external disturbances such as cars, sirens, fireworks, or horse-drawn carriages that would otherwise cause the horse to spook and possibly cause damages or harm to itself.

That first sentence…. “Focused on the job in front of them,” resonates with me. While i do NOT wear actual blinders (come on peeps, i am not that crazy…. Or am i? Lol), that’s how my mind gets when i get stressed with a to-do list a mile long… focused.

Well….. THAT is when i am not at my most-best-submissive self either.

And THAT leads to trouble.

i mean, i have things to do. Who has time to slow down, chose my words properly, deliver the words with correct tone, and say “Sir.” That is all superfluous. Right?? W-R-O-N-G!

So yes, my friends, i went from being the most-submissive wife last month (while being denied O’s) to being on-a-mission to get stuff done and forgetting to be my husband’s submissive wife this month.

NOT a recipe for success.

Yesterday was one such day. We had several of my husband’s coworkers to our house for a Christmas party. Beforehand, as we were setting up, we were working together to get stuff set out and doing well. Until we weren’t.

David asked me, “should we move these chairs?” as he was referring to the dining room chairs set around the table that was now repurposed for the food in a buffet line and wouldn’t be used as a seating/earring table.

So i said, “where?” As in, “ok, let’s move them… but i’m not sure where would be best… just back away or to a useful place? What did you have in mind?”

What David heard was, “And where would you think we should put them? There’s no logical place, and it’s not necessary, people can move the, if they get in the way… we have other things to do, so ……”

Again… laser focused, no time for excess words…. And … yah, in trouble i was!

He was immediately angry. He looked at me and said, “When I make a suggestion, it’s important. You do not need to question me. Either you’ll be submissive and do as I say or we won’t do this at all. Do I make myself clear?”

i was in shock honestly. i didn’t understand what the problem was actually. Here’s what went through my head……

i said, “where?” What was there that i was questioning? Why is he mad? i thought i was being helpful, submissive, and getting things done. What does he mean by “you’ll be submissive..or we won’t do this at all.”….. being submissive is who i am, not an air i put on. i can’t NOT do it. Does he mean he won’t be my Sir? He wasn’t saying we wouldn’t be married and we won’t do MARRIAGE at all, was he?”

I WAS CONFUSED.

So when he said, “Do I make myself clear?” My ultimate thought was “ NO, not really!”

Thankfully, what came out of my mouth next was, “YES.”

But…. Of course…. i didn’t say, “Sir.” Nor did i respond any too quickly. There was a distinct pause in my response (see above for all the things i was thinking about!! That took a hot minute!)

That’s when he said, “your response makes your position clear.”

And he stood there staring at me, expecting a better response and more words to come from my mouth. Of which, i strongly debated if i should stay silent OR spew out all the paragraph of thoughts that went through my mind! (See above again.)

i knew if i said anything at all, we would be in a fight. I also knew he was expecting more from me.

Oh-good-grief. What a disastrous start to this party! Now i was just annoyed.

And at that very moment, i was saved by the bell. Literally, our door bell rang. Our first guest arrived. And he went to answer it. Thankful for the reprieve, the party was officially started. (It had to get better from here, right?? YES it did!)

i honestly figured all would be done and forgotten then as we entertained, ate, drank, and hours of conversation passed. But at the end, after all the guests left and we were cleaning up, David looked at me and said, “so…. Tell me what you were thinking when the door bell rang.”

OH CRAP. Really?? Ok, fine, i will tell you. But you just TOLD me to tell you. i can’t together in trouble for speaking my mind when i was told to, right??

So i told him. Just like i told you above.

And no, i didn’t get in trouble. Nor did we get in a fight. It’s probable it would’ve done one of those (trouble or fight), had I said it earlier, because there was emotion involved. However, by the time the words flowed, the emotion had subsided on both sides, which was a good thing!

Instead of trouble, he put his arms around my neck, leaned down and kissed me, and said, “I guess my suggestion should have been worded differently, but so should your response. Would you agree?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Good girl. Now let’s go to sleep and do better tomorrow, shall we?”

“Yes Sir.”

And it ended well. But….. i need to take the blinders OFF some too. i don’t need to be so laser focused on perfection, getting to the finish line, or getting everything done even!

That same horse website mentioned previously said this about “why doesn’t the horse wear blinders all the time?”…

If worn all the time, however, blinders would get in a horse’s way. He may not spot the cool stream to his left or the tasty mound of hay to his right. He could run through a wide meadow unable to quench his thirst or satisfy his hunger.

i need to remember to slow down, look around, and remember who i am….

David’s submissive wife.

(Or else next time i likely WILL run into real trouble!)

Hugs,

Marie

201 – Who’s in Control Anyway?

Written by Marie on . Posted in Marriage, Submission. No Comments on 201 – Who’s in Control Anyway?

Does a submissive give up control? Does a Dom take control? Is the submissive still in control? Does a Dom really have control over anything at all?

These are a few questions i find myself thinking about this morning.

Ultimately i don’t think the CONTROL belongs to anyone… except of course, to yourself. Meaning, i need to control me and he needs to control him. Controlling the other should not a prize to be won or an award to be given, nor is it the ultimate goal.

David is quite stressed out right now. And i am not. This is the scenario that gets me into the most trouble because i have more time to be thinking about how to be the best submissive i can be. You might think that’s a good thing, and frequently it can be. Until it’s not.

When i think too much about being the best submissive, i tend to (basically) become obsessed with it which means i look to David for direction in my quest for “more”. Which is a recipe for disaster really, because it’s then that when i do not receive the feedback (attention!) i am seeking that i do not respond with my best-submissive-self. So it is self destructive behaviors and leads to problems. In addition, when i am in this mood if seeking this feedback (reassurances) i become needy. Needy of a strong dominant. And i can see why he thinks i am wanting him to “control” me.

Of course, remember, i already said he’s been stressed out. Work has been hectic for him and due to circumstances beyond his control (ie other’s procrastination!) he finds himself up against deadlines that are quite possibly too tight to meet., but he has to try.

So instead of being the best-submissive …. Who leaves my Sir alone and tries to make myself less of a burden to him….. i don’t. When i become obsessed with being the best of the best, i become needy to seek out the reassurances and direction from him that i am doing good.

Reassurances that he has ZERO time for.

So yesterday i got onto his very last nerve and i heard him say, “I don’t have time to control you! If that’s what you need, go find another Dom!”

Now … don’t misunderstand…. he wasn’t telling me he wanted to get divorced, or to go away, or to be unfaithful, or anything permanent.

He was genuinely meaning, “TODAY I don’t have time, I am stressed out, and if you really want or need reassurances then (maybe) find the second Dom that we’ve been talking about. Because today it is just too much for me, and a second Dom could prove useful right now for both of us.”

So knowing his intentions behind the second sentence were not bad, and actually could be a good thing/helpful was ultimately fine for me. But the first sentence is what bothered me…….

“I don’t have time to control you!”

What went through my head were thoughts like this….

– Does he really think i want him to control me??

– Doesn’t he see that all he has to do is control himself and i will follow?

– He doesn’t control my decision to follow, nor will he ever, so don’t i ultimately have the control?

– How can i follow someone who is just busy trying to figure out how to control me? Isn’t that circular referencing?

Well…. The time to get answers to ANY of those questions was NOT yesterday in that moment. (Likely not today either!). Had i continued on, it would have lead to an argument, at best. i could also tell that while the best thing for me having stirred up the pot so much would have been to have received a discipline of some sort, it was NOT going to go down that way….

Had i received the discipline i so clearly deserved, it would have been: a) feeding into my sub-frenzy, b) distracting for David, who desperately needed to focus on the work he is doing, c) been more of ME in control (aka: Topping from the Bottom) and i don’t control him anymore than he controls me! Yet, i sure was trying to “control” him right into disciplining me!

Had i been in control, which obviously i am not, i would’ve made me go stand in the corner until further notice. It would’ve given me (as David) the opportunity to get the work done without being bugged by me (his sub). It also would’ve given me (the sub) the ability to reflect on how much i was NOT being a sub when i was busy causing unnecessary distractions.

Then when I (as David) took a break, because eventually I would, I would’ve told me (as Submissive) to assume the position. And I (as David) would’ve delivered a spanking that went something like this…..

“You will count and thank me for every single swat of this paddle. I had NO time for your shenanigans today, so I am taking a break to teach you a lesson while also relieving my stress on your ass. Do NOT EVER push me to this place again when you KNOW I am stressed to meet this work deadline.”

Smack! (oh wow. This hurt from the very second he started!)

“One Sir. Thank you Sir.”

“Trying to push me into dominating you at a time that is convenient for you isn’t how a good sub should be. Stop Topping from the Bottom!”

Smack! “Two Sir. Thank you Sir.”

“Telling me how to dominate isn’t being submissive at all. I will not tolerate you trying to act like you are ‘letting me know how needy’ you are. That is completely unnecessary.”

Smack! “Three Sir. Thank you Sir.”

And it would’ve continued from there until i (as sub) was seemingly acting sufficiently remorseful.

But that’s not how it went. And in the end, it probably went better than my version. What actually happened was i apologized for my behavior, for trying to push David into something he didn’t want to be bothered with, and we (more or less) went about our separate business for the day.

i tried very hard to be “ok” with what felt to me like i was being ignored and to not even let on to him what all was really going on in my head. i think it – mostly – worked.

i say that it worked because we didn’t get into a fight, i didn’t get my way, and David was able to get done a lot of what was needed. No, he’s not met the (likely impossible!) deadline, but he was able to get done as much as he could without distractions too.

In the end, i don’t want him to control me…. i need to control me. And i need to be reminded (by him and/or myself) not to try to control him and let him control him. When we each just control ourselves, especially within the framework of our DD relationship, it works.

i don’t know if i will be punished or not… not sure it matters… in some ways by not getting my way, i learned my lesson. i just hope it sticks.

Hugs,

Marie

169 – Cheers to 20 years… And counting!

Written by Marie on . Posted in Marriage, Submission. No Comments on 169 – Cheers to 20 years… And counting!

20- years ago today, i married my best friend David.

If you’ve read through other posts on my blog, you already know that all 20 haven’t been perfect. But we are together. Thriving and doing life together.

Here’s a few things about us that i haven’t shared before (i don’t think)…..

– He is 8-years older than me. So when he was graduating College, i was still just in Jr High. At young ages, the age gap matters but at older (adult) ages, age is just a number.

– Met at work …. yes, we have the same professional careers. i have never told you what we do, but you could likely figure it out from context clues throughout if you wanted to. (And if you think you know, email me and i will tell you if you are right…. i will be honest if you guess correctly).

– Dated for 5-years when i gave him an ultimatum. When i did so, i said, “if you don’t know now, you’ll never know.” And this was said after we spent our 5-year-dating-anniversary in Hawaii, on a beach, with a glorious backdrop, where i just knew he was going to propose…. and yet, he did not. He was quite shocked when i called him out that day by saying, “Decide NOW or we are done!” Clearly he chose correctly…. lol.

– We have one child (a son) who is 16 1/2 now. It took 2-years and lots of doctors, drugs, and prayers to get pregnant at all. If he had been a girl, we were going to name him Grace….. by the Grace of God we were granted the gift of a child. i never took birth control after we were married, or after our son’s birth, and yet he is the only child God did deliver to us. i am grateful and blessed for what i have!

– Lived in 3-houses over 20-years. We have lived in our current home for most recent 8-years and i expect we will be here for another 8 (or more!). We may sell after that, since our son should be more than on his own at that point and we could probably downsize then. But after that many years here, we may just stay “forever” too.

– Have traveled to many continents where we have blessed to see with our own eyes many parts of God’s glorious world, including (in no real particular order here): China, England, France, Netherlands, and Italy. David has also been places without me (for work), that i was sad to not be able to also go with, including Brazil, Singapore, and Taiwan. It’s hard to say what i think has been my favorite as they are all so vastly different but i have fond memories in each of those all the same! i did especially love seeing the Great Wall of China, the beaches of Normandy, Louvre museum in Paris, Red light district in Amsterdam and seeing the coliseum in Rome.

– We have also traveled within the US to almost every state. We have been to 46 states and have only 4 to go. The ones we have not been to are: Montana, Alaska, Idaho, North Dakota. And we have been making plans to go to both Montana and Alaska, so they likely will be off the list in another 1-3’ish years (pending covid restrictions for travel). Some of my favorite US places include California’s beaches, Oregon’s Original Starbucks, South Carolina’s golf courses, Florida’s Disney World, South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore, New York’s Broadway shows, Philadelphia’s Liberty Bell and historical sites, Virginia (and DC)’s historical sites, including the realization that “The Smithsonian” museum is actually plural as in “MuseumS”, Louisiana’s LSU university that my husband is a die-hard graduate and fan of, plus all of Nebraska, Tennessee, Oklahoma and Arkansas for our family members who live there now.

– My most favorite state is my own Lone Star State of Texas, where i was born, raised, and still live. We currently live about 8-miles from where i grew up and i love it here. There’s no place like home! i say i will never leave, but depending on where our son —- and my future grand babies live —- i may well leave this great state.

– And…. we practice Domestic Discipline. We have only fully implemented it for the most recent 2 1/2 years, or just 10% of our married life, but it started in smaller ways about 5-years before that. i suppose like our dating life, it took awhile for us to fully embrace this way of life and we played-around with the ideas and ways of it for several years before. While i didn’t truly give David an ultimatum about DD, i did kinda do just that. When i officially decided, about 2 1/2 years ago that i just had-to-have this, i told him and we have been on this path ever since. i can’t wait til our 50th anniversary where i can say we have officially done this for “more than half” our married life.

While i say i wish we had started it sooner (and that’s so very true!), i’m not so sure we could’ve or would’ve appreciated it as much then as what we do now. i wonder if sometimes you have to go through some bad/hard times to truly appreciate the good times.

When you are in the heart of a valley, the only way to see anything is to look up. And in fact, you can’t see much else. To find a way out of the valley and to get to the top of the highest peak, is the goal at that point.

Our marriage hasn’t been without some true deep valley moments, i rather like to say we are currently in a mountain moment. When on the mountain, you can look back down the valley and see with clear eyes where you’ve been, but don’t currently stand. And yet, often times, when i look back at the valley i see it with fond memories of how far we have come. i don’t see all the pain, hurt, and achy-ness i felt when we were actually down in the valley. Or maybe i do see it, but i no longer am surrounded by it. i can appreciate it for what it was and the things we learned when we were standing smack dab in the middle of it.

And i know i never want to go back there if i can help it. (Although i am sure more valley-moments do indeed lie ahead again at some point in our future too!)

So yes, Domestic Discipline has saved my marriage from the depths of the valley. And we will always have this with us as we walk into even more of our older years together. i firmly believe THIS is how we are firmly to live, love, and breath, all the remaining days of our lives together in this world.

i love the Mountain Top view we currently share, and i pray the valley moments coming in the future will be endurable and few and far between.

Happy 20th anniversary to my loving Sir (and myself).

Oh and as to our gifts to one another….. i asked him probably 5’ish years ago if we could get a pool. He now said yes! Sooooo we will be installing a pool and hit tub over the coming months and will have lots of hot, humid, Texas-weather coming up soon to enjoy while skinny dipping in the pool! (That should provide some exciting blogable topics! 😉)

Hugs – and love and kisses to my husband of 20-years –

Marie