140 – FULLY

In my last post i wrote that a submissive should submit “fully”. And then Willie replied showing me how that’s not exactly true. Even for me.

My intentions in that post were ultimately just to explore the reasons people may not have anal sex or anal play. And to give some thoughts about considering breaking down that hard limit. But i’m afraid the post missed the mark too.

i do still understand and appreciate that everyone has hard limits, and there are multiple reasons for them, and they are there to stay…. and it’s ok. Really – it is! (i have them too.)

So after Willie’s comment, i got to thinking more about “fully submissive” and what that means (or doesn’t).

But even stop for a second and let’s talk about the word “FULLY” all by itself. It means to the top, completely, to the furthest extent, not possible to go anymore.

So i really think anyone living a D/s lifestyle, trying to be the best submissive spouse possible, and doing it in the way that works for them —- IS FULLY SUBMISSIVE.

Yet, even for a “FULLY SUBMISSIVE” person, there are things that it does NOT mean. There are hard limits. Even for me too.

And that’s GOOD. It means you have a brain in the head that’s sitting on your shoulders, and you aren’t afraid to use it.

So what won’t i do as a FULLY submissive wife?

Here’s a few……

1) The same as Willie mentioned, i refuse to be slapped in the face. i feel that is offensive and abusive. And just unnecessary. There are so many other places to spank, that the face shouldn’t be the go-to.

2) i don’t want to be treated like an animal. i don’t want to be made to be on all 4’s, not allowed to eat with my hands/silverware, or while sitting at the table. i might like this as a one-time/ sexual scene. But not as an everyday dynamic. Because we don’t just do D/s with DD in the bedroom (it is 24/7), we try to do things that are reasonable and manageable for every day life.

3) i won’t be verbally scolded and told to be a submissive. That seems trivial at first, but what it means to me is my R-I-G-H-T to chose to be submissive. If someone TELLS me to do it or be it, it seems like it has taken away my right. And i can’t and won’t have that. In fact, if i were told to be submissive, i suspect that would be enough for me to say “NO!” And rebel against it!

There’s others too, and maybe that will be another post too. And maybe the things i mention are ones that you might say i should consider breaking down that barrier and give me reasons to have it not be a hard limit. (The way i tried to do in the anal access previous post). And i would probably listen, and yet, probably NOT accept your way of thinking! And that’s ok too! Because i listened, heard, and rejected it as the way for me.

So if that’s what you did with the last post, i get it and i accept that.

My ultimate point is that, i do know and respect that everyone has different hard limits for various reasons. And i did a poor job (in the last post) of saying that i understand and respect that.

Soooo i fully agree – you are fully submissive – in the way you do things. (And so am i too).

So what ARE your hard limits anyway, besides anal? Would you ever consider changing any of them? Tell me more.

Have an an amazing week my friends!




  1. Hey Marie

    Funny this subject was actually the topic on The Weekend Spanko Brunch on Hermione’s blog this weekend



    You know, you may feel that you didn’t express your point well in the last post, but it did lead to discussion and reflection. Those two points are often the best part of a blog post!

    I am going to repeat part of my comment from Hermione’s post. I *personally* view limits as something I wouldn’t want but B does ( aside from the slapping thing, I brought that up on my own). So many things that I would consider hard limits here are really a non factor because B is not ‘into’ them.

    I have a girl friend who is a very strong character ( law enforcement actually) and for her being slapped across the face instantly brings her into her submissive zone. Her husband deeply respects her, as do I and for them it isn’t a case of being ANYTHING it would make me feel. She and I have talked about it. I can understand her point of view. There are lots of things I read out in the bloggestsphere that I currently would consider too tame, or contrived (in our dynamic) to bring me back into my submissive heartset.. That is not to say I do not need them to help maintain it. A submissive heartset can be a confusing one at best, and the road to maintain or get there seems to be ever changing- at least in my case.

    Now, I have been verbally scolded to be submissive- sort of. B has said things like, ” This is not who you are, and this is not what I expect. We are both happier and fulfilled when you are being your submissive self”…

    I have to say I don’t really think of potential limits. From the start ( aside from initially introducing Dd to B) I have needed this thing we do to come from B authentically. For *me* that means he brings in the ideas of what will be done, what rules to be made, etc..etc. Sure he has questions to feel me out, and there are things I have said that I didn’t think I’d like ( lines being one, but after a few years it did come into play and has stayed). I think for B this journey would have been a heck of a lot easier if I had told him things that interested me, and yet because of the way my brain works, I couldn’t to that. For me that would be guiding him to something I need, but my greatest need is to fulfill what he needs from me. I don’t need a service Dom<- which I know is not the correct line of thinking, on my part, but trust me when I tell you it just doesn't work for me. And as B used to say, " If it doesn't work, then what's the point?". That is not to say I do not miss or think of things he has done in the past, or we haven't discussed how to make something he's done more effective, but my barometer, for good or ill, has always been his previous actions. So I don't think of what I hope he doesn't do because I don't think of what I hope he does.

    Anyway, I agree with you. There is no 'finish line' within this dynamic. I do believe people can find their common ground for a while within it ,but inevitably someone needs/wants more or less. I think we can use the term fully submissive based on our individual dynamics, but I'd suspect if most of us were truly honest at least with ourselves we couldn't say it. I prefer to think, " I am striving to be…."- but in reality that quest is more like trying to drive through a rainbow! lol


    • Willie – Interesting that this is exactly the weekly topic! Yes, I was glad to be able to reflect and have discussion about the previous post! Gave me more inspiration! 🙂

      And I like all that you said here too. Your comments are always well thought out and more to consider in the end!

  2. I respect people have limits, as do I, and I agree with the “submit fully” concept. However, to me, it means being open and CONSIDERING everything he asks and desires. Submission to me is about giving utmost respect and consideration to him. Ultimately that could still mean “no,” but not after truly weighing the pros and cons in your mind and concluding it is just something you can’t do. It also means offering suggestions to “meet halfway” if the request has a halfway.
    And as with any advice I give on submission, there’s always this caveat- . . . unless you don’t want to follow that advice. There’s no “wrong way” to submit as long as it is fulfilling to both you and your partner.
    It’s always great to read about what fulfills you in the submission! Keep up the great posts!

    • Jennifer –
      I always love your insight. Considering everything he asks….. that’s probably the essence of my original post and what I was trying to get at (but didn’t do it justice).

      Thank you! Marie

  3. I find it really fascinating Marie. Ben and I don’t have a dominant/submissive relationship. But sometimes in roleplay we play act that I am submitting to him in various theatrical sex and foreplay games and erotic spanking is also part of our fun.

    So I am reading posts from other bloggers and sometimes not fully able to relate to the psychology behind them. But I would hope every individual, every couple are able to decide what is going to work for them, I don’t like the idea of joining a club or adopting a lifestyle and it meaning you have to embrace every aspect of that.

    I have a friend who is vegetarian, and she wants to be…but she hates broad beans. I’ve also seen her turn up her nose at the Greek green bean dish I make for Ben. It does not make her less of a vegetarian that there is at least one vegetable/pulse she despises. Plus, I don’t see why someone who eats meat cannot get enthusiastic about vegetarian food. Just because they are a meat-eater, I would not expect them to be snubbed or vice versa. People have lots of different tastes when it comes to food.

    Sorry if that is a rubbish example, but what I am trying to say is that just because someone might identify with a certain lifestyle or kinks/fetishes etc, it does not mean you have to embrace every possible aspect of that. Ben and I love sex and foreplay, roleplay and erotica. But there are some things we have no interest or desire in. Even a couple – I love my breasts/nipples being suckled for extended periods (ABF). Ben loves breast play and he is very attentive to my nipples, but he does not find the scenario of suckling from me for a long time registers with him. I am averse to pain, so some forms of corporal discipline seem frightening to me. Ben loves behinds and finds it sexy to have me draped over his lap for an erotic spanking. It’s something I gradually came to enjoy more and more. I am glad Ben has no desire to use anything except his hand though.

    We do what we enjoy, we do not have rules and rituals, we have fun and games, teasing and playing, but sometimes it is more passionate and deep. We just respect that other individuals and couples know themselves and are not just doing things to earn a badge or be in a club. I would worry if anyone was doing something because they felt they had to rather than truly wanted to. It could be damaging emotionally.

  4. Great post, Marie! Some of my hard limits include blood/needle play, scat/urine play, saran wrap (way too claustrophobic), and punching/kicking (though I am okay with face slapping). Some of my soft limits (things I might try but with discussion prior) include public humiliation, whipping/flogging of body parts other than the bottom, and verbal degradation. I am grateful that my husband and I are pretty much on the same page, though that does mean that he doesn’t push my limits often which holds a certain appeal and comfortability. One time, we were in the city and visited a strip club and he made me take out my leather cuffs and wear them in public. That felt very humiliating…but I’ll admit… I loved every second of it!

  5. I commented on your last post that anal is a hard no from me. Face slapping also is because of the visible mark it could lead to. I also have a hard no to immodesty or any submission that where I believe James isn’t acting in a godly way. I basically submit to James as a way of showing my submission to Christ and if his dominance over me isn’t Christ-like, I will not be submissive.

  6. I think that there will always be limits and they are not to do with being submissive, they are to do with being people and that is why there is so much discussion in D/s around needs and meeting the needs of the other. For me I have found that I feel most full submissive when I give up control, most specifically of myself. My self control is what will hold me back so when that falls away, I feel truly submissive. This often involves pushing at limits and boundaries as I need that in order to let go but these are always carefully discussed and thought about beforehand. We stay away from hard limits but will push at the soft ones. Over time this has changed things and many of the hard limits have become soft because we have changed the way we view things. I guess experience has brought with it an openness to trying new things and I have learnt to never say never, even if something is currently a limit. I hope that makes sense. Great post and definitely food for thought. Missy x

    • Missy – your comments make perfect sense and I appreciate you taking the time to say these things. I especially like: 1) limits are because we are people, and 2) you keep pushing your own limits. Love it!

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