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Tag: truly submissive

239 – My collar(s)

Written by Marie on . Posted in Submission. No Comments on 239 – My collar(s)

i have a collar. In fact, i have three. Besides the Hidden in Plain Sight post, i’m not even sure i have ever even talked about it. In the past though, it has been the featured picture on my entire blog, so it is possible you’ve seen it.

My primary collar is one that i’d say is a mix of function and fashion. It is the one in the featured pic here. i can – and do – wear it daily or sometimes not at all. But it can also be functional too. It is strong and thick enough that David can pull on it to lead/direct me where he wants me to be or go. Of course, he rarely uses it for that, but he can and he has.

Sir has never said (or required) that i wear it at any particular times or days. i typically wear it when i need something tangible/physical, to remind me of my (consensual, by choice) submissiveness.

David loves it when i wear it, and he doesn’t usually miss it when i do. He usually makes some sort of nod to it. i think when he sees it, it becomes a tangible reminder for him as well as me, of the commitment to this D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship with DD (Domestic Discipline) that we both love.

i have had this functional, yet stylish, collar for 2-3 years now. After we were living the lifestyle for awhile, i asked David to get me a collar to recognize the commitment. And then he surprised me with it.

i happen to think he didn’t really think much of it at the time actually though. He didn’t make a big deal about the delivery of it either. So we didn’t have some big ceremony, like what i have read others do. Some of what i have read seems like it’s almost a wedding ceremony of sorts, and while that’s cool, it’s not what we did. David gave it to me over dinner and that was that.

Over time though, he’s come to love it because he’s realized how much i love it. He sees the response it generates in me and by extension, then to him as well.

It means a lot to me. It is a tangible reminder for each of us. For me, it reminds me of the transfer of power that i willingly handed over to David, causing me to be pliable and willing to submit. And for David, while he doesn’t think of me (literally) as a dog, a dog does indeed wear a collar so that you can keep it. You put a collar on an animal that you don’t want lost. One that you want to claim. David has ultimately claimed me in that same way!

i want to be submissive all the time, but sometimes i am not as submissive as i want to be for so many various reasons. And when i feel my collar on my neck, it is a tangible reminder of what i want to be and how i want to act.

It means a lot to me. It brings me comfort when i need it. And i really need it (the collar and the comfort) especially when i want to be reminded of my submissiveness.

i have done a lot of research on collars as of late, somwhat out of curiosity really. …………

What do other subs collars look like? (Lots of variety!)

Are they all with a lock, or a “O” ring? (No, not all, but most seem to.)

Is there any official standard required? (Doesn’t seem to be any standard. Some collar pics i found just looked like regular jewelry and it made me wonder “what’s the point,” but it was their version and that’s understandable.)

How “nice” are they….. are they all just jewelry or function? (Both. Some are pure jewelry and look almost dainty/breakable, some look like chains and function and fashion, and some are just quite literally a Dog collar for function only).

Do people actually wear a DOG collar sometimes too? (YES. Dog collars are really used by Doms and worn by subs. It doesn’t seem that the sub wears these outside of sex and/or their house, but maybe they do that too.)

Do people wear them 24-7? (Some do, yes. Some are (fairly) permanently attached with a strong metal and lock/key, that the Dom has the only key. i don’t know how prevalent this is, compared to”occasional wear.”)

Do people have just ONE collar or many? (While i couldn’t tell for sure, it seems many people have more than one, especially if they actually have a dog collar for sex/home play. One would be purely for function then, whereas another may be for wear outside the house.)

SO WHAT DOES MINE LOOK LIKE, WHAT ARE MY RULES, WHAT DO WE DO?

Well, as previously mentioned, i don’t wear it all the time nor am I required to. i happen to think that being “made” to wear it (or being made to do anything really) is more about a slave dynamic than a submissive dynamic. i think that’s a lot of what the difference between sub and slave is…. Being able to have choices. Not just about a collar wearing, but anything at all. And i have choices, and do not consider myself a slave. But i digress…..

i do not wear a dog collar.

The collar in the picture is the primary collar i have and wear, which serves for both fashion and function as previously mentioned. i also have two choker collars. They are pure fashion. One has silver and one has gold on it, so that i can alternate between outfits as needed.

While i do not have a picture of me wearing mine, this picture is pretty similar to what i have …..

While i do not have any rules about when or where to wear it, when i do wear it, it helps me to feel more submissive as it is a visible and tangible reminder of who i most want to be, who i most want to please, and how i most should act.

While i don’t have a dog collar, what i said above is true… you put a collar (or leash) on something you want to keep and not allow to get lost.

I pray i am never lost. And if i do become lost, i am found and claimed once again by David.

^^^^ UPDATE: i wrote everything above this line months ago. But i never finished this post so of course, i also never published it. i haven’t a clue why… probably ran out of time, ideas of where or how to finish it, didn’t have focus that day…. Not sure. Either way, it sat in my “drafts” section until now.

The last sentence i wrote about never being lost…. That is essentially what’s happened in our D/s relationship in 2022 until relatively recently… we have been lost.

David wasn’t dominant, wasn’t enforcing rules, and didn’t care to be in the role-play acting mode that i now think i was basically trying thrust him into. That was the difference for us, in that i wasn’t role playing at being submissive but i kinda think he was at being Dominant. And after awhile, he grew tired of the constant pretending to be the “character i portray on stage in my daily life.”

But now…. As i have recently been starting to tell you…. He’s changing and so am i! He’s coming alive and into his own (best!) version of the dominant man i always knew was there and to whom i submit to.

And as he changes, so am i. i am learning to truly submit, not just when I want to. i am learning to NOT top-from-the-bottom or tell him how to do his job best. In the process, i am truly learning how to be the submissive wife he wants/needs and not the submissive wife i think he should have!

We are becoming the best versions of ourselves and i am embracing this evolving process. (The changes aren’t that many or different, and I will likely tell you more about this in a future post… but instead the changes are rather slight and yet, exactly what we need!)

Hugs,

Marie

135 – Maintenance Fridays

Written by Marie on . Posted in Uncategorized. No Comments on 135 – Maintenance Fridays

i have attempted to explain Maintenance Friday (MF – okay, completely coincidental with those words!) sessions in the past. To no real avail. i don’t know if i can adequately explain it any better now than i did before, but i’m going to try.

By agreement, we decided to have a MF spanking session every week. Every Friday morning.

Yes, i submit my bottom to be spanked every week. Even when i have done nothing wrong. In fact, MF sessions are not typically about anything done wrong. It is “just because.” It is scheduled for every Friday morning. That schedule doesn’t change. It’s been set for about a year now for that day and time every week.

Seriously, most maintenance Friday sessions are NOT real “MF’ers” as far as spankings go. In fact, most are not too bad at all. David varies the length and intensity. And frankly speaking, it is a practice session, not the real thing. It’s practicing to make perfect. And like anything, the practice session is similar but typically not quite as intense either.

Sometimes though, even i find myself thinking about the “why” do we do MF’s too, especially now, 2-years into practicing Domestic Discipline (DD).

First i should tell you when we started MF, it was because i asked for it. When we first started doing DD, David was tentative. He was nervous and i think he wondered if i was setting him up for failure. Here i was saying, “discipline me.” And i suspect he was like, “what’s the catch?”

So i asked to have MF to be able to show him that i was serious about wanting for him discipline me through spankings, allow him the ability to learn how to do it really without being a pressure (correction) session, and for me to have a chance to show him i would indeed submit.

That’s why we first did them, but why now? Why continue? Well, i would say the ultimate reason now is reinforcement.

To reinforce the good things we want to happen. And decrease the things we don’t.

And yes, i do truly mean “we”, as in, both of David and i. We work together to make our marriage better and we agree that this DD dynamic is really good for us! And we both want, and i dare say “need,” it too! Our marriage is stronger as a result of MF. Our communication, teamwork, and common goal (to make our marriage stronger) is at the forefront. Okay, yes, i know these things can be achieved in other ways too, but THIS way works for us.

Okay, so those are some great outcomes, but W-H-Y would i do that…..Submit to being spanked for no reason?

AND,

W-H-Y would David spank me for nothing done wrong?

Well…. if for no other reason…. practice makes perfect.

Practice WHAT exactly?

Well…. several things actually…..

1) Spanking. Yes. Practicing the actual act of it makes it become perfect. David knows exactly how much i can tolerate, how much makes me cry, how much turns my butt red, and how much is too much….. or not enough. He knows how hard to swing. He knows which instruments cause what results.

And it works for me in the opposite way too. i have learned to receive a spanking the way David wants to deliver it. i know what causes me to wince, to cry, and how it feels. So with fresh reminders from weekly MF spankings, i will (hopefully) want to do what is needed to avoid any further punishments during the week also.

2) Dominance. David can chose to spank OR not on MF’s. And sometimes he chooses not to. Because we both know, it is ultimately his decision and HIS choice, and sometimes he decides not to!

So yes, we do skip MF’s sometimes too. But that decision is ultimately up to him and only him. Which is a reminder to me that i am to submit at all times and be ready too if he decides that it is necessary. These MF sessions serve as a reminder to me that he has been granted power and authority by God, and because i chose to submit to both God and my husband, so if he wishes to spank my bottom, i allow it.

It creates and reinforces confidence in David. That he is indeed in charge, and i will follow his lead in our marriage and our house.

3) submission. It reinforces in me that feeling of not being in charge and ultimately not being in control. i chose to submit. It is an active decision to allow my bottom to hurt for a few minutes in order to submit my mind AND my body to my husband, which reinforces his dominance too (see #2 above).

Plus, intentionally getting naked, bending over, and holding still to receive a spanking is a practice in humility. Submission of the mind AND mind. By doing this weekly, it reinforces that the humility is appropriate and nothing to be ashamed of. It allows me to be fully exposed to my husband’s leadership and control in body and spirit.

4) last but not least…….ultimately…… practice does make perfect.

Think about every activity you’ve ever participated in. The actual event is but a moment in time, but the practice leading up to it seemed never ending and perpetual. Whether it be a sporting event, a theater play, a school exam, or a presentation at work. All of these things have one thing in common: practice.

Repetition. Over and over.

Until it’s perfected.

And when the ultimate “go time!” happens, you say a prayer and hope it goes off without a hitch…. just the way you practiced.

In a marriage though, there’s not really a “performance” day. There’s never the final exam. So you go about life and marriage actually hoping in this case that there is NOT a time that all this practicing is needed. Because that means something had actually gone wrong and an actual punishment is needed. A sign of trouble.

How do you react or respond at that sign of trouble?

Most of the time i act and respond just the way we practiced it…. with submission to my husband’s authority. But sometimes i don’t. And he doesn’t either.

That’s when the MF sessions come in handy. We have a plan in place of how to deal with trouble. And then we just enact it. So when things go awry, now we know how to fix it.

We both have practice knowing what a spanking will look, act, and feel like. David also knows what it will take to correct the ill-behavior and bad actions too. So he knows the “real” spanking needs to be more harsh than the MF ones, and frankly, so do i!

So yes, we practice (almost) every Friday. We have spanking sessions, “just because” so that we have practice making it perfect. “It” being the dominance, submission, DD, and yes, the spanking itself!

i don’t know if i explained the “why” very well or not, but don’t knock it til you try it. You might just find that practice does make your submission (or dominance) perfect too!

Hugs,

Marie

74 – Memoir 3 – CHANGE… ME or YOU?

Written by Marie on . Posted in Uncategorized. No Comments on 74 – Memoir 3 – CHANGE… ME or YOU?

After that (almost completely) fateful night…. the only “real” change in our marriage for ALMOST A FULL YEAR was that I was tracking his phone, watching his email, scouring the credit card and phone statements, for the express purpose of looking for trouble. I never found any, which really made me wonder if he was just better at hiding it, or if it was truly not happening. I had NO way of knowing what “truth” was anymore.

In short: I didn’t trust him!

i know you are thinking, “what? NO change? Why?” Well…. it is harder than you think and it’s a lot easier to talk about it when you aren’t in the middle of the emotional part of it too!It took a lot of time to even decide if we wanted to try, then work up the effort to make it happen, and then what does this so-called “change” even look like?!?

But after almost another year of me being hyper vigilant and watching him like a hawk, we were both miserable. He got mad at one point and said, “I can’t live with you watching my every move. I can’t prove the negative… THAT is not even possible! What will it take to move past this? I’m still HERE. With YOU. What can I do to prove that YOU are who I want???”

That was the first sign of outward fatigue for either of us. I knew I was already SO very tired of trying to figure out if I should stay, should go, how to make things better, feeling good AND bad…. and ultimately….. I was tired of ….being in control. This was NOT sustainable!

C-H-A-N-G-E was becoming the word of the day and I simply had to stop running from it and start embracing it.

Now you may wonder, “WHY did you stay?” Ultimately, it was because I didn’t know if I should leave.

My parents divorced when I was 5. I remember my Dad and Mom having this vicious pattern where Dad would live at our house for months at a time where we were a “Family” again… and then he’d leave. And then he’d be back and repeat. This went on for many years. And I vowed to NEVER do that wish-washy thing to my kid. I decided to stay, “Until I knew I was ready to leave. For good. Forever.”

So every day for more than a year, I prayed the EXACT same prayer EVERY-SINGLE-DAY, “Lord, I don’t know if I should stay or if I should go. But I do know, I need you to be in charge and be in control. If today is the day I should leave, I need you to give me a sign. But if today is the day I need to stay, I will listen and wait on you Lord. Either way, direct my path in the way you want me to go”.

So my decision to STAY was an active decision. It was NOT simply “by default”. Making no decision is ultimately a decision, but I HAD made a decision. Daily!

And that was when the movie “Fireproof” by Kirk Cameron came out. And “The Love Dare” was a thing that sprung from the movie. It wasn’t the best made movie, but when I went to see it (with my mom and sister), it spoke to my heart.

The next day, I bought The Love Dare Book. And it was a 40-day challenge to reign down love on your spouse in a Christian/biblical way …. before you decide to leave/ divorce. And I didn’t tell him at all what I was doing.

The first day said:

I admit, I did NOT do this entire Love Dare with an “all-in” heart. I did this from a “I want to say I tried. And I’m tired from all the other things I’ve done already so maybe this is the thing. So, I’ll try.” So i did it with a Fake-It-Til-You-Make-It mentality.

And holding my tongue that first day was a REAL chore! To which he didn’t even notice. I was not surprised, but I was disappointed.


Day 2 said:

On this day, I bought him a gift. One that was more about the gesture than the gift, but he was surprised. He asked me what prompted it. And thanked me. (He noticed! Progress!)

And this SERVING-HEART continued for many days. I never made it to the end of the full 40-days because we started talking, really talking (!!) somewhere around 10-days in and we started changing……. but more importantly, I started changing!

I no longer saw the problem as HIS fault, but OUR fault. I realized I had done a lot to contribute to David’s unfaithful spirit. I realized I did nothing to bring him home to me and yet he came home anyway. I decided I had to change myself if I was going to expect our marriage to change. And in the end, if I changed but our marriage didn’t, then it was in the Lord’s hands and that would be my “sign” and probably time to go then.

From that point and for Several years forward…… we went into a “sexual discovery” mode of sorts. We started this because I was still angry. He got to have fun, so I should be able to too. But I wanted to do it together, and not behind anyone’s back. (This all sounds crazy to me now, but honestly, I was hurt and mad and sad and unclear and needed to “find a new way” …. to C-H-A-N-G-E). I was unclear if I wanted to be dominant/submissive, sadist/masochist, swinger, tied up/ do the tying, polyamorous, bisexual, homosexual/ (lesbian), heterosexual, and every combination you can think of!

We joined a few dating sites and proceeded to try it all! We went to swinger clubs, we met individuals/groups, we did things alone and together.

And the whole time, I scoured the internet asking questions that started with…. “is bisexual forbidden in the Bible?” And “how do i know if I’m a lesbian?” And “how to have a successful open marriage?” and “is polyamory legal?” And “Is swinging morally wrong?”

And we tried out ALL these things! And I do mean, ALL!

Then we started to find what we liked and didn’t….. through all this discovery, I found that I didn’t like being tall, or Capitalized, or In control…. so i went to being the little i, the submissive, the one being handed orders and not giving them, the one who listened and obeyed. And we ultimately confirmed that David did NOT want to give up control nor was he submissive!

THIS was when i discovered DD. And specifically it was Jennifer’s blog that showed me some of the how-to’s. And how to get it into our marriage fully. i followed her blog and “lurked” for about a full year before i knew this was what i truly needed, with our own twist on it too.

That’s when I started googling things like “is it right to like to be spanked?” And “is spanking your wife biblical?” And “why does the Bible say to submit to your husband?” And “What is DD?” And “What’s the difference in BDSM and DD”.

It was also then that i realized that God answered my prayers. He allowed me to explore with my husband, but never leave him. He allowed me to be with my husband, while discovering who i am. (The little i).

And strangely enough, all that control i tried to hang onto in the start was freeing to give up. i was hanging on so tightly to the sand, that i was crushing it in my hand and it slipped through the cracks. Giving into it freed me. And allowed our marriage to experience the true change we both sought!

Now …. all that was left…. while David basically knew what i needed, we hadn’t actually decided or talked about “this being our way”. Not had i any clue if he’d actually willingly spank me for discipline, and not just for sexual/kink! But i knew… i had to talk to him. And the overwhelming thoughts of “what if he says no?”… loomed large!

i will end this memoir series with the final post tomorrow …. talking about how we specifically talked about THIS thing we do with D/s and DD consequences.

Hugs,

Marie

8 – How did i get here anyway? AND…It’s a Struggle… a 2-fer.

Written by Marie on . Posted in Marriage, Submission, Uncategorized. 2 Comments on 8 – How did i get here anyway? AND…It’s a Struggle… a 2-fer.

Hello ~

Fair warning – this is a longggg post.  But it is a 2-fer really.

First, i want to give you some of my backstory.  How did i get to this place?

Second, its a struggle.  This submission thing is both what i want, and not.  And, well, its a struggle. Yes, a struggle, after just a couple of days ago how i told you my Thoughts on Submission. Wanting to submit and actually doing it aren’t always one in the same.

SO – STORY #1 – MY BACKSTORY.

To date, i haven’t given you ‘that much’ information about ME and my husband.  But i want to now.

We’ve been married for 17 years.  We met at work.  We are both in the same profession.  He was my boss when i started working there.  (i suppose he was ‘in charge’ of me from the beginning!)  i worked there for 9-months when we started dating.  Our firm sent us out of town on a project for 3-weeks where we ate, drank, and …got merry!  (MERRY not MARRY…. not yet anyway.)

We dated for 5-years.  A longgg 5-years and i doubted whether he was going to marry me and i ended up giving him an ultimatum.  Obviously, he conceded and we were married shortly thereafter.

And from there, life got boring.  We changed jobs and no longer worked together.  We had a kid.  Only one.  And life was even more mundane.  We both thought, “This is ALL there is?” and we became your average American family with a 2-story house, picket fence, and a dog.

The “American Dream” … right?  What more could a girl want?!?

Well… looks can be deceiving.

At about our 10-year anniversary, neither of us was “all that happy” (and a bag of chips).  We were just going through the motions.  And something had to change or else we would either die young (boredom) or end up divorced.

That’s when we started talking about having a 3-some (with a woman).  And from there, we talked about becoming swingers.  And we did it ….all.  Yes, i consider myself bi-sexual now also.  But we don’t have any ‘regulars’ we see… not yet anyway.   (In another post, i’ll give you some salacious details!)

The more we explored, the more i wanted to do.  He was happy with a 3-some (of course he was, what man wouldn’t want 2-women?!).  But i found myself wanting to be controlled.   i wanted him to tell me what to do.

It basically started as a fantasy… and mostly just a sexual one.  i really thought i was a masochist for the longest time.  And when i “casually mentioned” this to my husband, he was like, “NO, I can NOT beat you!!  I was raised to respect women”  And i was like, “But i WANT you to.”  And while i think he just basically thought i was crazy… i REALLY think he thought that this was a “phase” that i was going through.  That the fantasy sounded good, but the reality wouldn’t be.

Fast forward a bit.  About 2-years ago, i found the website for really kinky people and i decided to register.  My profile says “I’m a married female, on here with consent from my husband.  I want a Dom and while he doesn’t feel that’s something he can do, he supports my endeavor to find one.”  And all that was true.  i talked to him first.  And he agreed to the site, the posting wording, and as long as he knew where i was and who i was with at all times when i met someone… then i had his blessings.  (Safety first.  That was his concern).

This is the point he started to take me seriously though too.  If i was willing to do all this, maybe i did want this from someone. And if he wasn’t willing or able to give it to me, i was willing to go get it. i never did find anyone that i was brave enough to actually meet …. stories of rape, abuse, and kidnapping scared me so much that i just couldn’t ACTUALLY bring myself to GO MEET “HIM” (or HER).

WELL – so how did we bridge this gap?

Our dog LOVES to bark.  We’ve tried everything to get her to stop.  And we finally bought her a shock collar that we shock her and she FINALLY stops.  It is run from a plug-in Rechargeable battery and you are now wondering, “HOW did we get to talking about the DOG and HOW does that get us to a DD relationship”  (Bear with me 1-more minute!)

The collar went ‘dead’ and needed to be recharged a little more than a week ago.  So i plugged it in and waited (bark, bark, bark going on the entire time i waited!). It was FINALLY time to put it back on her.

And when David got home from work, he said, “I see you put her collar back on.”   To which I replied, “YES, a collar is a good thing!”  and he said, “Is it now?” and i said, “YES! Absolutely!”  And at this point, i think he knew i wasn’t talking about the dog collar.

He went to the (home) office computer and started typing.  And i figured out he was doing something “secretive” so i didn’t bother him.  (Maybe he was finding us a hot babe for another hot 3-some!)

A couple of days later, we have a delivery.  He tells me to “Come here now!” and i do.  He has a collar for ME!  He put it on and i LOVED it!  i was surprised at it.  And he said, “WOW, I think I could’ve bought you a car and you wouldn’t be THIS happy!”  He also said, “You are MINE!  And I really see NO reason for you to take this collar off.  Do you?”  and I responded with, “No Sir!”.

i didn’t know for sure if this was the start of him REALLY being my Dom, but i prayed about it.  i was hoping!  i literally prayed, “Lord, let him be the head of our house.  Let him have his way and not mine.  Help him to lead us according to your will and to hear you clearly. Help me to submit to my husband”.

Finding Domestic Discipline (DD).    Up until this point, i didn’t even actually KNOW about DD.  i got SO turned on by the collar, i went to my ipad and typed into a Google search, “Submitting to my husband” and the first thing that came up was “Domestic Discipline.” I read a lot about it that night.

THAT was when i realized, i’m not reallyyyyy a masochist.  i’m a submissive wanting to submit to my husband, have consequences for NOT doing so, and well, have domestic discipline. Domestic discipline is about spanking. But not just that. Discipline can come in many forms. But that’s all really for another post!

i showed my husband what i found and asked him to research it too.

And the VERY NEXT DAY… he told me to buy a paddle and be ready to have it used.  i thought, “WOAH, we are REALLY doing this!!”

… and THAT my friends is “How I got here in the first place!”

Which brings me to Story #2 –

IT’S A STRUGGLE

Submission.  i want to do it.  i really do.  But i’m struggling.  Let me (try to) explain.

With ALL that backstory (that is absolutely true) up until this point, everything i reallyyyyy knew about Submission or Domination or Domestic Discipline or Masochism or BDSM (any other ‘or’s i’ve missed?!?) – was ALL IN MY HEAD. Meaning, i have read a lot, talked a lot, but not DONE a lot.

None of it was actually played out in real life.  If you count ‘talking to someone online or text’ as playing it out in real life, then yes, i suppose i’ve had at least a real life experience.  But other than THAT, nothing. So i don’t really know what it means to submit or be spanked or to say things like, “Yes Sir.”

And well, the internet is completely true…. and all those erotic stories i’ve read… those are all true too.  And that’s exactly how all this will play out in real-life too. RIGHT?!?!

So i’ve crafted this whole “IDEA” of how all this dominance/submission and spanking was supposed to go.  Frankly, it is so well crafted that it could be my own real-life-movie where i’m the star of the show and my husband says his lines and plays his part.  All i had to do was give him the script!

And that’s basically what i tried to do.  That’s why i’m “Topping from the Bottom”.  You know, where i tell you how to dominate me and you do what i say?!?!  THAT was what i envisioned. Oh it wasn’t intentional, but is the reality of the situation too.

WHAT I GOT was a TRUE SIR.   My husband, David, is coming into his own.  He took my ‘Advice and ideas’ for about a week.  And NOW, he’s told me to SUBMIT and let HIM dominate.  That i’m too bossy.  That i need to understand that submission doesn’t mean tell him what to do.  It is the other way around.  And whether it is according to my ‘script’ or not, he doesn’t care.

SO – NOW – I’m struggling.   You’d think i’d be happy.  RIGHT?  Well, i am actually.  BUT i’m not sure how to “DO” this submission thing.  It sure looked easy watching the porn, in my books, on the internet, but now … this is ‘real life’ … and it’s not really following the scripts that i laid out.

Sir is doing an amazing job.  i’m SO thrilled and impressed at his desire to lead.  (Today he told me he wouldn’t hesitate to turn me over his knee in public or in front of my sister, if the time comes where that it is needed).

i don’t suppose i’ll ever really know what made him buy me the collar.  i won’t know what ever convinced him that i truly do want this.  i won’t know how we got from ‘there’ to ‘here’.  BUT – i do know – i have to throw away the script and let him do what he was born to do – LEAD and DOMINATE.

Life shouldn’t be so scripted anyway – maybe that’s why we were just an “average American family” and yet – bored.  i don’t want to go back to that life.  i need to just relax and let him do what he’s meant to do – LEAD. But i have to learn how too.

And to remember all i REALLY have to do is – SUBMIT…. respect, obey, and did i say submit (??) … all in a way that is pleasing to HIM!

i’ll do better tomorrow, i promise….  Sir!

Hugs ~

Marie