216 – Change…. Is a happening.
Change. A single word that tends to cause a lot of people a lot of strife. i try hard to embrace it. A friend once told me to substitute the words “process improvement” for the word “change,” BECAUSE no one ever makes a “change” for the worse only for the better! Sometimes there are unintentional negative consequences when change occurs, but it’s never the goal either.
Well…. In the space of (basically) a week, i’ve had a lot of process improvement with great results!
When i receive comments on a particular post (or two), i tend to re-read the actual post as well. i especially do this when the original post is a bit older, like some of my original stuff 2-3 years ago now. But on occasion, i reread the newer stuff too. That’s usually when i find typos and correct them, or i add links to sites or posts, but i try NOT to amend or adjust the original content i made as it was how i thought or felt at the time of the post. And it makes for interesting reflections for me now too, to see the journey and plot twists along the way.
So when KDPierre posted a comment to me on my post that i made JUST ONE WEEK AGO, where i declared myself a sex addict in need of rehab (and chastity), i decided to reread the entire post again. i read the desperation now that i felt then. Now i have a renewed (detoxed!) presence of mind that i did not possess then. The only things I knew then were:
1) i want to orgasm REALLY badly,
2) i was (almost) wiling to do anything to get it,
3) that i was struggling to be submissive, yet desperately wanted to be,
4) wanted to still be a pleasing submissive wife to my Dominant Sir.
i was aware enough to know i needed to lock my sex out of my control to help me remain compliant, as i detoxed out of my selfish masturbating ways.
Now ….. just 7-days later, i realize just how far i’ve come in my sex-detox process in such a few short days, as we are STILL in NO-orgasm-VEMBER.
Change. Sometimes it is quick and sometimes it is not. Overall, i’d say this change has been quick. Not saying i am all the way there, but absolutely in a better place today over where i was last week too! (Wondering already what next week’s improvement will look like!)
While i’d love to orgasm still, i no longer want to move mountains to get it. i no longer think i have to have it. And i especially don’t think i have to have it RIGHT NOW! Instead, my focus has shifted away from me and onto my Sir. While admittedly, my focus should have been on him all along, somewhere along the way it became less about him and rather more about me, at least as it relates to sex and sexual pleasure. And until this orgasm control denial started and i experienced that extreme withdrawal, i didn’t even realize it!
What i realize now is just how badly NO-vember was needed! BEFORE NO-vember started, when i asked to suck his cock, i had ulterior motives. i was doing it because i wanted to get him hard, ride his cock, and get to my own orgasmic pleasure. While all of my actions got him to a happy ending also, my motives were really rather selfish in that i was doing it for me and justifying it in the process by telling myself it was making him happy.
Last night, however, we were laying in bed watching tv. Specifically we were watching college football. Absolutely nothing sexual or porn-like, when i asked him if i could suck his cock. i genuinely wanted to feel his cock getting hard in my mouth but really for no selfish reason at all. If he was wanting it, i wanted to get him off to really give him the sexual pleasure and release he deserves.
He was skeptical. He looked at me and said, “you aren’t going to be allowed to ride my cock. And you can’t get the orgasm that it seems you are after. So if you want to do this just to get what you want, it’s not going to happen!”
It became apparent to me then that he also has thought i have been selfish in my sexual actions. But last night, i genuinely did NOT want to orgasm (okay, i did, but it was NOT my driving motivation! ) but rather to get him to a happy place and for me to service him the way he deserved too.
i realized that he hasn’t been able to have sex with me this entire No-vember because he didn’t think i had enough self control to be penetrated without orgasming in the process. Sadly, a week ago, he was dead on accurate. Now though, while i can’t say how long i’d successfully hold out without having to ask him to stop or pull out, i could do it.
He allowed me to suck his cock while he watched football. i told him before it started to “tell me when you want me to stop or you orgasm, whichever comes first.”
He said ok and i positioned myself between his legs and began to suck him hard. i played tongue twirling games, then changed up the pattern, and used my hands along with my mouth a bit too. That’s when he grabbed the back of my head and pressed himself deep in my mouth, and then started pulling my hair to lift me back off again. He started to fuck my mouth up and down and faster and faster.
When we were done, he told me to show him my pussy. He wanted to see just how wet it was.
i responded with, “Yes Sir” and did as he told me to.
i already knew i was dripping wet, and when his fingers touched me and found how slick i was he smiled and commented about it. As he began to fondle my clit, he looked me in the eye and asked me, “and how much further can you go before you ask to orgasm??”
He had me stand there and he played with me until i begged him to “stop now Sir, or else i will go over the edge and orgasm.” To which he did stop.
When i started to get in bed on my side, he said, “how did that feel?”
i spoke truth when my response was, “simply amazing Sir! i hope you feel the same. My ultimate hope is that you can eventually feel as if you can use my holes to your pleasure without thinking i can’t control my orgasms enough too.”
He smiled and said, “I can see that you are getting there now, as you pleasured me tonight without you becoming so needy to get your own orgasm in the process. But let’s not tempt you beyond your limits either. You probably need to be locked up tonight, don’t you think?”
While i was proud of what i was able to accomplish…. Focus on HIM and NOT on me!!! ….. i was already thinking about how far can i test myself without it being just too much too!
So i said, “i have to agree Sir.” And i went and voluntarily locked myself up for a cozy night with Glory in her place and the keys were handed to my Sir.
All this to say ….. detox hasn’t been easy, but it is happening. My process is improving. My focus is becoming redirected away from me and onto David. This denial has been good. While I didn’t want to have to sleep in a chastity belt to keep myself from touching myself.. again…. this week of night time lock up has been good.
i won’t lie, i would orgasm today if he’d allow me to. But i also accept that it will not be allowed either. i hope that even when i am allowed to, that it is followed up with times of not being allowed to again also.
i don’t want to end up back where i was. i know this change, or process improvement, is good in the end. And it needs to remain in place.
When KD Pierre posted his comment, i saw he has a blog spot of his own, and i read some of his posts and specifically the one he mentioned in his post to me from December 2020. It’s there that he talked about the benefits of orgasm control/denial. That you never lose the desire to O, but when it’s controlled by another, you learn to appreciate it that much more. You learn how to be attentive to the one you serve and to be an even-better submissive. T-H-I-S is so true for me!
i need to maintain my focus on my Sir and his pleasure, respect the rules, and be grateful for the O’s that are given instead of pouting and/or becoming resentful of the ones i think i should be entitled to… after all, as i also wrote about just yesterday….. the O is a gift to be thankful for!
Hugs,
Marie