i am feeling a little depressed tonight. David is near going to sleep. And i found myself thinking he needed to turn out the lights already so i could put my hand down under the covers and masturbate….
All the way to orgasm!
i was fully intending to do so. And i didn’t give a flying rat’s ass about NO-vember. It’s dumb. It was self imposed. He only started it because of me saying it, and it is … well….. VERY dumb.
i found myself thinking, “i am a good person, i deserve to be able to touch myself. This is MY body. i was so stupid to want to be a submissive wife. If i were instead a “normal” wife, i’d be able to do whatever the FUCK i wanted to!”
i continued, “i could FUCK myself anytime i wanted with anything i wanted… a dildo, a vibrator, another live-man- cock, hell even a wooden spoon from the kitchen if i wanted to!”
And i continued …… with how stupid i am to even come up with the idea of NO-vember in the first place. i mean, who in their right mind says, “hey, i don’t want to orgasm or have sexual highs for an entire 30-fucking days?!?”
W-H-Y can’t i be “normal”? W-H-Y can’t vanilla sex and being my husband’s equal be enough for me?! WTF was i thinking becoming a submissive wife who can’t even orgasm on her own time??
And as i lay beside him thinking all these things, OF MY OWN DOING, i got up, went to the closet, and locked myself up in my chastity belt. i decided i needed chastity. And i will sleep in it once more.
This is the second night in a row now. All these thoughts came just the SECOND night of wearing the chastity belt to sleep. But it wasn’t the belt that was causing my temper tantrum… it’s the elusive O that i am chasing and unable to have.
CHASTITY…. THIS is what i ultimately need. Whether i belong to David or not, of which i DO (!!) self control seems to be beyond me. i am at one week of self-imposed (and being enforced by David) “NO ORGASM,” and i am having withdrawals. i am an addict wanting my drug of choice: the big natural high of a big O!
i am addicted to sex and to orgasms specifically. i do indeed get “High” with the sexual release of the O. The very minute i come, that natural release of hormones brings me peace and happiness. i feel tension subside. i feel a spreading of warmth throughout my body as my blood rushes around inside me. Or said another way….. a “drug addict high”. And this drug is so much better than any other because it is: 1) natural, 2) legal, 3) FREE! and 4) the biggest of all: available ANY TIME.
And yet…. It’s NOT. Not available any time. Not to me anyway. Because i gave up my rights to the big O and the owner of them says NO. i am not allowed to play with HIS toys… or chase the Big O.
i am at the place where when someone goes to rehab, (at least in the movies), they are desperate to do whatever it takes to get that drug they think they must have! They start begging for it. They plead. They are strung out and look terrible, and they don’t care. As the movie watcher, we know that drug they crave is killing them and they need to get over it already. Yet… they don’t see it that way, at least not yet.
Well here i am ….…. “Hello, my name is Marie and i am an O addict!”
But having orgasms, as much as i want anyway, isn’t good for me. It’s not mine. i gave it up a long time ago. Willingly. To my Sir. And when i DO get to climax, it should be appreciated and loved, and cherished… both the O itself AND my Sir for wanting me to feel it with him too.
i shouldn’t be able to take it back any time i want, just because i want it. i am not a little kid that gets to throw a temper tantrum and get my way.
And being a submissive wife is what i also know is good for me. And him. And our entire family! As i have said before numerous times, our relationship is so much stronger when we are doing our D/s thing. We fight way less (and btw… usually November is our worst month of the year for our relationship where we tend to fight more than ever. Not this year though!)
And vanilla sex is … well… vanilla. Boring. And …. Allowing my husband to lead my family, including me (AND for him to OWN my SEX) is a choice that matters. THIS is good for me.
So. i put on the belt of my own volition. And i handed him the key.
As i did so, i asked Sir, “do you like this look?”
The “look” being that i am wearing exactly two things: 1) my collar, and 2) my chastity belt. Nothing else.
He said, “no, I do not. I wish you had more self control. But now at least we both know you can enjoy your porn without orgasm tonight again.”
i wanted to cry. Not sure if it’s because he’s right or because i didn’t want him to be right.
So even as i sit and type to you, i am saddened that i am NOT able to have a natural self control, but that i am smart enough to know…. Chastity is what i ultimately need. And while i am not exactly pleasing to my Sir at this exact moment, he knows that i need the chastity belt too.
Knowing that i do NOT need to succumb to my sexual appetite and expelling the desire to orgasm. Is what i need. And abstaining from Orgasm for 30-days is a good thing! i shouldn’t be so addicted to anything, including my drug of choice…. My own sexual body parts.. or more accurately, that feeling if the HIGH that i get from my body parts!
But i won’t lie…. my tits are beautiful as i look past them to type to you. And my clit is feeling every movement of my iPad as it rests on my belly (and the belt) for me to type out this message. No joke, my clit is SO sensitive right now, it is feeling every single tap on the screen as it moves the pad just enough that it is causing my clit to swell. i can feel my clit pressing against the metal and i am becoming incredibly aroused! And ultimately my clit still thinks i am stupid as it presses harder and harder against the metal bars it is held underneath. And my pussy is also begging for release.. from chastity AND from this NO-orgasm prison sentence it is under.
But ultimately, maybe i do have “just enough” self control too as my mind says “NO! Be strong!” Of course, now as i sit in chastity, i really have no choice in the matter. But did i even really have a choice before???
Tell me i am not stupid, or crazy, or … well… i don’t know. Maybe i am those things and you can’t. i get it.
Just to be clear…. i am not upset i am wearing a belt to sleep in. In fact, i am grateful it’s here and on. It has given me a bit of mental reprieve to have this O taken further away from my literal grasp! Because it’s just an arm’s length away, but now, underneath lock and key it’s in its place. And that gives me mental relief to be able to stay the course and still not capture the O that i so desperately feel i need!
As i go to sleep… again in chastity…. Just know i give you all my many hugs… but not my O, because even i do not own that. i do not even have the key……
And yes, NORA, this is me and my chastity belt.