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Tag: married life

95 – Am i crazy? i just might be!

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So the question of the day is: how does it “FEEL” to be submissive? (And … “am i crazy?”)

Let’s start by defining submissive…. “ready to conform to the will of another; obedient; passive, compliant, agreeable.”

MENTAL: being submissive starts with a state of mind. It is an action. To be obedient and passive is a choice. It is an intentional choice to be compliant and agreeable. It’s not something done to me, but something i choose to do.

Why do i chose to be submissive? Mostly… because i can. And it feels good. It feels good to agree with Sir, to let him be responsible – take charge – and for me to let go. And … to know that all i really have to do is……. just agree. i don’t have to be in charge of everything. i don’t have to be “right” either. i am even ok with being right and not getting recognition for it too.

i feel “free” when i don’t have responsibility to do anything… except for whatever makes him happy. Or whatever he tells you to. Or whatever keeps happiness between us.

PHYSICAL: Like most things in life for all of us, when i do good… i get rewarded. And when i don’t, well… i don’t. So in a D/s marriage, that typically means things along a sexual nature but not always. So i get to orgasm, get him to orgasm, have sex, and spend time with Sir… when i am a good girl. But when i am not…. that typically means spanked ass, denial, or loss of privileges.

And i dare say most (non D/s) marriages don’t have as much sexual energy and interactions as ours.

And even for the non-sexual activities, i still submit. Why? Again, because it’s agreeable. And so it works. Is there really any tv shows that i really want to see and therefore must be in control of the remote? And do i really need to have Mexican food for dinner instead of Chinese? No. i don’t.

So when i submit …. i feel good. And i get to look and feel sexy to my husband, which leads to orgasm. And when i don’t, i stand in the corner, get my ass turned red, or go to bed early.

MENTAL: But if i were to look in from the outside most people would think my marriage, viewpoints, and lifestyle is over the top outrageous… which would make me certifiably C-R-A-Z-Y! They’d probably question how much is (truly) consensual too…. because (they would say) that no one volunteers for the things that i – not only encourage – but actually ask for!

Right?!?!

C-R-AZ-Y. It feels like i am crazy sometimes. Insane. Officially over the edge. Commit me now. i truly do legitimately wonder this…. am i crazy to want this in my life and marriage? i probably am, depending on who you ask. Let me explain further.

So it is absolutely true that my lifestyle is nowhere near what mainstream would deem acceptable or appropriate or normal.

Okay, let’s go with that. Great. Ok. i am willing to own it….. we are not “normal”. At least not “normal” according to a mainstream definition of it anyway. Maybe i would argue that maybe mainstream isn’t right. At least as it relates to marriage. At the rate of divorce, i don’t know that i think that the “normal” definition and way of doing things for a marriage is the “right” way. i mean, seriously, if the “normal” way of marriage was SO great and the “right way,” then why do so many of them fail?

And you know what? i am O-K with that… bring abnormal. Why?

Well…. we have a GOOD marriage. i might dare say GREAT. Because we are completely together. We are completely committed. And i have NO doubt we will stay this way. In a D/s relationship with DD as a way to deal with disagreements. And doing it in a crazy way!

i guess what i’m driving at is … maybe i AM crazy. And maybe our marriage is abnormal. But for me, i’ll just embrace this crazy abnormal marriage and be happy in it.

Because while i do crazy things like pierce my nipples, wear chastity belts or an anal plug out in public, and get my ass spanked every Friday morning to reinforce the ways we like to do things ….it is all ultimately under my clothes …. the ones that are completely “normal” and accepted by society’s mainstream.

So how does it feel to be submissive? Crazy. Abnormal. Obedient. And that can sometimes lead to blissful orgasms… or blistered asses.

And i am OK with it all!

Hugs,

Marie

Day 11: My Submissiveness

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Day 11: WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT…ethics of kink?

i think safe, sane, and consenting are three words that should always be a part of every relationship, but especially in a kinky one. And no one should have to compromise those three things. Ever.

Beyond that though, i don’t know if the question was intended the way i am thinking here, but if i were to think deeper….

We have had sex with others. We mostly do it like a swinger situation, with everyone in the same room but not always. i love seeing David make another woman happy. And he typically positions himself where we have eye contact and he stares into my eyes. And he sees my reactions. And on the rare occasion i have had trouble with what i’ve seen, he reads my reactions well and he changes it up to make me happy!

i don’t really remember the last time though that we have been with AnYoNe else…because …well…it’s really been that long ago. We haven’t sworn off others, so much as life just gets in the way. And now given COVID, who knows if-when that might ever happen. And i’m ok with that too.

****** i want to add that after having been a cheated-on wife, and me feeling betrayed…. we NEVER do ANYTHING with anyone else that their spouse isn’t aware. And i KNOW the spouse is aware by talking to them about it too (or they are actually included at the time too). i refuse to be that person who hated when it was done to me… and now would be doing it to someone else! The only exception may be if they have a spouse and didn’t even tell us. Which to date, hasn’t happened, that i am aware of. But if we were to find ourselves in that position, i would 1) break it off with the person and/or 2) go directly to that spouse to tell them what’s happened. Cheating on someone’s spouse isn’t acceptable. (How’s that for ethics?)

Blue Bell Ice cream has a saying/slogan, “we eat all we can, and we sell the rest.” They literally hire employees and say, “eat as much as you want for free. It’s a perk of the company”. Why do they do that? Because before they allowed it, employees would steal it. After they opened it up and embraced it, employees eat ice cream for about a week and the novelty wears off and no one eats (much of) it after that.

So like Blue Bell, we have more or less adopted this approach for our marriage…. you can’t “cheat” on your spouse if you are doing it openly and together. And like everything in a kinky relationship, or really ANY relationship, we have talked about this. As long as we come home together, we enjoy this time together.

Why do we do this? Well… it’s sexy. It’s fun. And in the end, it keeps us together. We completely trust that we will be coming home together and we LOVE each other and spending time together.

i have thought before… what’s the difference between having sex with others with my husband… OR……going to a football game with my husband? Or going to a rock concert? Or playing golf? Or going on vacation together?

If you don’t get too deep into this… (seriously don’t overthink this here…. go here instead! Lol!)….. it is simply spending time together, doing something fun together, and being open/honest with one another.

i am secure enough in our relationship to know that we will always be together, that our love runs very deep, and now with DD we have a way of dealing with things that works when everything seems like it’s not.

So for what it’s worth… i am a safe, sane, and consenting (spanked, submissive) wife. And i’m all good with this!

Hugs,

Marie

79 – Sexuality and Christianity

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i have been asked many times, “how do you reconcile your sexual escapades with your profession of faith?” … and every version thereof.

So this post is going to ATTEMPT to address that here… going to be very deep thoughts and theoretical and it’s taken me a long time to write this with many edits along the way .. so bear with me.

First off though…. i want to say i don’t know if i’m right. But i also don’t know if i’m wrong…. and frankly speaking, neither do you. So read this with an open mind and heart too! ❤️

AND a DISCLAIMER: while i am okay with constructive criticism, the key word is CONSTRUCTIVE! i have a delete button and i’m not afraid to use it. 😘 Remember the old adage… if you have nothing good to say… (let’s all finish it together now)… say nothing at all. So be kind!

My Christianity:

i want to start by telling you what i believe …as a Christian. i believe God loves all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight!

i believe in John 3:16, “that He gave his only son so that he who believes in Jesus will not perish, but have eternal life.” i do indeed believe that Jesus was the Great I Am who came to save us from sin and to whom that, when my earthly body fails or He returns to claim us (whichever comes first), i will go to be in heaven to live with forever.

i know we all sin every day in thought, word, and deed.. knowingly and unknowingly. And we have to ask God to forgive our sins to receive His many blessings in our life. But even if i were to not receive His blessings, because i believe Jesus is my Lord and Savior, i will still be saved.

i try to live my life according to the Golden Rule, which is biblical too, “Do unto others as you’d have done unto you.” (Matthew 7:12). And i know that ultimately God “has a plan for me to prosper, and to not harm” me (Jeremiah 29:11)

My Sexuality:

i am very sexual. i love being touched and touching, i love being seen and watching, but ultimately ………

i love being submissive (which is also biblical…. “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:22-23).

i have been with men and women that i was not married to, while i was (am) married. Both with and without David. But i have never done so without David’s knowledge and consent. And even though he has before, i am quite sure he hasn’t since.

My husband and i tried (and basically failed) at being monogamous. Our marriage almost failed as a result too. So we started doing sexual acts together, with other people. We don’t see it as cheating, unfaithful, or inappropriate when you take it out of the shadows and do it together. Our sexual fun together is something similar to a date night. We go together, participate in a fun activity together, and we come home together.

Is there much difference really between going to dinner and a movie with another couple OR going to dinner and then having sex with another couple?

Because i would tell you that being non-monogamous (is that a word, welp, it is now!) comes in many forms… spending too much (plutonic) time with a friend, confiding in another person more than your spouse, doing an activity with friends/family while intentionally not including your spouse, speaking gossip or negatively about your spouse to a friend or family member, lying (or just not telling the whole truth) and of course…. watching porn videos, sexting in a chat room, getting “happy ending” massages, and going onto websites that are for dating purposes only….all the while intending to hide (deceive) your spouse.

The Reconciliation:

When i was soul-searching after discovering David’s infidelity i found a lot about adultery, including when Jesus says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).

So when i was busy pointing fingers at David for being adulterous, there were 4 more pointing back at me too!

i did also contemplate divorce… Oh but the Bible says divorce isn’t right either (there are more than 25 verses on divorce). And to that end, it says that “what God has brought together, let no man separate.” (Mark 10:9)

So now, we are doing an activity that we love, with full trust, honesty, and consent, as we are doing it TOGETHER. What’s so bad about that?

If you say that monogamy is the only way because the Bible says it, i would offer up that the Bible is full of contradictions. Depending on how you want to look and interpret any topic, including this very same discussion (Just google, “polygamy and the Bible” or “is it possible to be Christian swingers” to name a few), the Bible can be twisted and manipulated to suit. Perhaps some would say that’s what we’ve done now too. i’m ok with that. And here’s why…

Consider the verse, “Love they neighbor as thyself” …. does this mean i am not only allowed, but in fact seemingly commanded to have sex with my neighbors? Because the Bible also says, “do not lust after your neighbor.” By who’s standard should verses be deemed literal or figurative? How did you decide here? There’s nothing in the Bible that tells us. We decide based on our Christian teachings in church or by societal norms.

So if societal norms are the standard by which we set our moral compass, when did monogamy become a “thing” because there are more than 40 leaders in the Bible who were polygamous with multiple wives, including Solomon, Moses, Abraham, and King David (a man after God’s own heart)? How did we pick the exact verses we want to mandate as the ones to follow (one wife) quite literally while ignoring other verses (those that say they had multiple wives) because they “no longer apply” or “aren’t meant to be taken figuratively? Nowhere in the Bible does it specifically condemn polygamy, but of course, it doesn’t condone it either. Unless …. you want to say that many of the key leaders/biblical characters are polygamous and if the Bible doesn’t specifically condemn them, it must therefore condone them by default. So again, by that logic, when did monogamy become the societal norm and only acceptable way?

Southern baptists believe you shouldn’t dance, drink (alcohol), or gamble. Why? Because at least the dancing and drinking parts certainly are not biblical. Jesus went to a wedding and turned water into wine! At a place where they were drinking together and he seemingly encouraged it by creating more. He served wine at the last supper, and yet, Baptist’s serve grape juice in church instead. How or when did the societal norms become that replacing what Jesus commanded (drink this wine in remembrance of me) not be the accepted practice?

And taking the opposite approach is the Methodist Church who is now allowing homosexual/lesbian people to become ministers.

Which church has it right or wrong? i don’t think either are wrong. It is an earthly interpretation of how they feel it best to live and guide us.

(Many use the Bible verse Hebrews 13:4 as the guidance to say homosexuality is wrong. In my bible, the words are exactly as “sexual immoral” – not “homosexual”. When did various translations decide that should be changed to “homosexual”?)

There’s no clear answers. There’s a lot of debate and we could literally argue this until Jesus comes again to set us all straight! So ultimately…. i say it again….. i don’t know the answers.

What i do know is that i wasn’t ready to divorce my husband, but what we were doing (attempted and failed monogamy) wasn’t working either. So now, we enjoy being honest, open, loving, and forthright with one another… and that includes spending time together doing activities like golf, travel, going to the movies, and yes sexual activity with others.

And in the end, i try to be a better Christian, wife, and Mother each day. Do i fail? Yes! But we all “fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23)

In the end, i am a Child of God, believe in Jesus, admit to being a sinner and try to do better each day…. knowing that none of us can abide by and live fully up to all 783,137 words in the Bible even if we did understand the true intent of each word!

i’ll leave you with a final thought…… lest Ye be the First to Cast Stones…..

According to the Gospel of John, the Pharisees, in an attempt to discredit Jesus, brought a woman charged with adultery before him. Jesus thought for a moment and then replied, “He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.” The people crowded around him were so touched by their own consciences that they departed.”

And my true final thought…. now i am off to dress (without a bra or panties) to go to church on this Sunday morning. 😉❤️😘

Hugs,

Marie

74 – Memoir 3 – CHANGE… ME or YOU?

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After that (almost completely) fateful night…. the only “real” change in our marriage for ALMOST A FULL YEAR was that I was tracking his phone, watching his email, scouring the credit card and phone statements, for the express purpose of looking for trouble. I never found any, which really made me wonder if he was just better at hiding it, or if it was truly not happening. I had NO way of knowing what “truth” was anymore.

In short: I didn’t trust him!

i know you are thinking, “what? NO change? Why?” Well…. it is harder than you think and it’s a lot easier to talk about it when you aren’t in the middle of the emotional part of it too!It took a lot of time to even decide if we wanted to try, then work up the effort to make it happen, and then what does this so-called “change” even look like?!?

But after almost another year of me being hyper vigilant and watching him like a hawk, we were both miserable. He got mad at one point and said, “I can’t live with you watching my every move. I can’t prove the negative… THAT is not even possible! What will it take to move past this? I’m still HERE. With YOU. What can I do to prove that YOU are who I want???”

That was the first sign of outward fatigue for either of us. I knew I was already SO very tired of trying to figure out if I should stay, should go, how to make things better, feeling good AND bad…. and ultimately….. I was tired of ….being in control. This was NOT sustainable!

C-H-A-N-G-E was becoming the word of the day and I simply had to stop running from it and start embracing it.

Now you may wonder, “WHY did you stay?” Ultimately, it was because I didn’t know if I should leave.

My parents divorced when I was 5. I remember my Dad and Mom having this vicious pattern where Dad would live at our house for months at a time where we were a “Family” again… and then he’d leave. And then he’d be back and repeat. This went on for many years. And I vowed to NEVER do that wish-washy thing to my kid. I decided to stay, “Until I knew I was ready to leave. For good. Forever.”

So every day for more than a year, I prayed the EXACT same prayer EVERY-SINGLE-DAY, “Lord, I don’t know if I should stay or if I should go. But I do know, I need you to be in charge and be in control. If today is the day I should leave, I need you to give me a sign. But if today is the day I need to stay, I will listen and wait on you Lord. Either way, direct my path in the way you want me to go”.

So my decision to STAY was an active decision. It was NOT simply “by default”. Making no decision is ultimately a decision, but I HAD made a decision. Daily!

And that was when the movie “Fireproof” by Kirk Cameron came out. And “The Love Dare” was a thing that sprung from the movie. It wasn’t the best made movie, but when I went to see it (with my mom and sister), it spoke to my heart.

The next day, I bought The Love Dare Book. And it was a 40-day challenge to reign down love on your spouse in a Christian/biblical way …. before you decide to leave/ divorce. And I didn’t tell him at all what I was doing.

The first day said:

I admit, I did NOT do this entire Love Dare with an “all-in” heart. I did this from a “I want to say I tried. And I’m tired from all the other things I’ve done already so maybe this is the thing. So, I’ll try.” So i did it with a Fake-It-Til-You-Make-It mentality.

And holding my tongue that first day was a REAL chore! To which he didn’t even notice. I was not surprised, but I was disappointed.


Day 2 said:

On this day, I bought him a gift. One that was more about the gesture than the gift, but he was surprised. He asked me what prompted it. And thanked me. (He noticed! Progress!)

And this SERVING-HEART continued for many days. I never made it to the end of the full 40-days because we started talking, really talking (!!) somewhere around 10-days in and we started changing……. but more importantly, I started changing!

I no longer saw the problem as HIS fault, but OUR fault. I realized I had done a lot to contribute to David’s unfaithful spirit. I realized I did nothing to bring him home to me and yet he came home anyway. I decided I had to change myself if I was going to expect our marriage to change. And in the end, if I changed but our marriage didn’t, then it was in the Lord’s hands and that would be my “sign” and probably time to go then.

From that point and for Several years forward…… we went into a “sexual discovery” mode of sorts. We started this because I was still angry. He got to have fun, so I should be able to too. But I wanted to do it together, and not behind anyone’s back. (This all sounds crazy to me now, but honestly, I was hurt and mad and sad and unclear and needed to “find a new way” …. to C-H-A-N-G-E). I was unclear if I wanted to be dominant/submissive, sadist/masochist, swinger, tied up/ do the tying, polyamorous, bisexual, homosexual/ (lesbian), heterosexual, and every combination you can think of!

We joined a few dating sites and proceeded to try it all! We went to swinger clubs, we met individuals/groups, we did things alone and together.

And the whole time, I scoured the internet asking questions that started with…. “is bisexual forbidden in the Bible?” And “how do i know if I’m a lesbian?” And “how to have a successful open marriage?” and “is polyamory legal?” And “Is swinging morally wrong?”

And we tried out ALL these things! And I do mean, ALL!

Then we started to find what we liked and didn’t….. through all this discovery, I found that I didn’t like being tall, or Capitalized, or In control…. so i went to being the little i, the submissive, the one being handed orders and not giving them, the one who listened and obeyed. And we ultimately confirmed that David did NOT want to give up control nor was he submissive!

THIS was when i discovered DD. And specifically it was Jennifer’s blog that showed me some of the how-to’s. And how to get it into our marriage fully. i followed her blog and “lurked” for about a full year before i knew this was what i truly needed, with our own twist on it too.

That’s when I started googling things like “is it right to like to be spanked?” And “is spanking your wife biblical?” And “why does the Bible say to submit to your husband?” And “What is DD?” And “What’s the difference in BDSM and DD”.

It was also then that i realized that God answered my prayers. He allowed me to explore with my husband, but never leave him. He allowed me to be with my husband, while discovering who i am. (The little i).

And strangely enough, all that control i tried to hang onto in the start was freeing to give up. i was hanging on so tightly to the sand, that i was crushing it in my hand and it slipped through the cracks. Giving into it freed me. And allowed our marriage to experience the true change we both sought!

Now …. all that was left…. while David basically knew what i needed, we hadn’t actually decided or talked about “this being our way”. Not had i any clue if he’d actually willingly spank me for discipline, and not just for sexual/kink! But i knew… i had to talk to him. And the overwhelming thoughts of “what if he says no?”… loomed large!

i will end this memoir series with the final post tomorrow …. talking about how we specifically talked about THIS thing we do with D/s and DD consequences.

Hugs,

Marie

73 – Memoir 2 – “No, I don’t want a divorce…. I want change”

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Change. It’s a simple word with a powerful punch. Why is change important? Or needed? And why do we fear it so much?

i did a simple google search on “change”, and one of the first things to pop up was this:

On an individual level, change is important because it is the precursor to all growth. We don’t grow by keeping things “safe” – by preserving the status quo (even though that may seem more comfortable). All personal growth comes from meeting the challenge of change. By dealing with life challenges we learn that we can.

So maybe these words above wasn’t what i knew about or thought about all those years ago…. but it was definitely what we needed!

And now… he wanted change. I couldn’t have agreed more!

Ahh buddy, yes indeed… we WILL be changing alright! If you don’t want a divorce, you will indeed be changing! There’s no doubt about that! And I will tell you now how that’s going to happen…..

All i knew for sure was my husband of 10- years, friend for 15 (we dated for 5 before marriage), and father to our only child, was indeed unfaithful. He had broken our marriage vows. He had broken my heart. And my whole life was about to change… whether i wanted it or not!

And that’s when we proceeded to have the biggest fight of our entire relationship! We yelled, cried, threatened to leave…. and yet…. still stayed. If either of us had really given up on “us”, we wouldn’t have fought. We would not have even cared enough to fight.

The opposite of love is NOT hate. It is apathy. When you don’t care, you have no feelings at all. And we clearly did. How much either of us ultimately cared or if it was enough to carry us through the process of what it would take to fix what was broken, i didn’t know.

That’s when I told him how it would be. I told him, “you will break it off with her…NOW. You’ll tell her you love me and only me. You’ll tell her you are committed to your wife and son. And from now on, you are NOT to delete any texts, any emails, and I will check the phone bill to confirm. And this is the way it has to be to rebuild the trust! Are you ready to break it off with her??”

Yes (ma’am). i put that word (ma’am) in parenthesis because while he did NOT say it out loud, i was absolutely in control that night and we both knew it…. at least in that moment anyway. (And did you also notice i put the I in caps?? I was in charge now. I was the one who was taking control!)

I dared him to call her and tell her RIGHT THEN. I wanted to hear it!

And he did.

After just a minute of talking to her, he put her on speaker and said, “Marie, she wants to talk to you” (WTF….. no F’ing way do I want to talkkkkkk to her!)

She said, “I’m sorry. Can I come over and we talk through this?”

Me: Seriously? You want to talk? In MY house? You tried to ruin my life, while betraying our friendship by sleeping with MY husband for a YEAR! And now you are “sorry”? We are never speaking again! I want you GONE!

Her: Please, just hear me out.

Me: fine.

Ding dong. The doorbell rang.

She was at our house! He had apparently told her before he even got home that i knew, it was over, and she had notions of “wanting to make it right”. She had driven to our house and was sitting in the car working up the courage to knock on the door when David called her.

I answered the door. She asked to come in. I was SO pissed that I was like, “FINE! SURE! Come on into MY house tonight since you’ve been lurking in the shadows for a year! At least now I know you are being honest and in the light!” (At this point it was almost 9pm and getting quite dark… and we had NO lights on in the house! So the pun of the light was quite literal at that moment. But no one was laughing though either).

She came in and I looked at David, shaking my finger at him and barked orders to him, “she came to talk to ME. Not you! Don’t say a word!”

She sat down and we yelled, cried, fought.. and wore ourselves out. David did talk, but only in the strategic places he felt he could.

And after we were exhausted and (mostly) out of words, she reached her hand out to mine (we were on opposite sides of one of the couches, while David had been ostracized to his own couch)…. she touched my fingers, she covered the back of my palm, she squeezed and said, “I’d like to make this up to you …..in the shower….. together.”

And she grabbed my hand, pulled upward, and stood up. And said, “let’s go get naked together. David has seen me naked. He’s seen you naked. But we’ve never seen each other naked. Let’s make him watch us have sex together.”

I was so numb and wanting someone to love ME that this sounded stupid, crazy, and completely insane…. and yet, exactly what I needed too!

So I did it.

She went down on me in the shower.

And I felt like David was right… he and I were NOT sexually incompatible… and maybe all those pent up, “bad girl” ideas I had were just “bad ideas”.

While I was trying to find the answer to rid ourselves of this contagion “virus” from my home, I had opened and invited it further inside. Literally, inside ME. And it felt GOOD!

That’s when it morphed into more….we all 3-had sex…. together… in OUR bed… the virus had fully infected everything!!!

And we put all our sexual parts everywhere ….but …. when he put his cock inside her, I saw. I saw how she wasn’t “just” a girl he fucked… it was someone he was passionate with. And I was the 3rd wheel. And I freaked out!

I almost threw up. Literally. The virus made me sick! And I threw on the first thing I saw (one of David’s long t shirts) and ran out of the house. No shoes, no pants, no keys, no phone, and nowhere to go…. and I ran… yes, RAN. On bare feet, I wanted to feel the pain of the road against my feet. I wanted my body to be torn up on the outside to match how I felt on the inside. And I wanted to get AWAY. Not just away from the house, but my life, him, her and well…ME.

What was I thinking allowing her in our house? What did I really expect to see after they’d been fucking each other, behind my back, for an entire year? But they weren’t “fucking”… they were making “love”!!

I ran. With no awareness of how far or fast…. I was so lost in my head I wasn’t sure I wanted to come out of it either. It was midnight. And I ended up at the neighborhood park. On a swing. (Oh The irony… swinging in the bed and now swinging alone at the park!)

I dared him to come get me. I knew if he didn’t, I was filing for divorce the next day. And yet, I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to come or not! I prayed “God let YOUR will be done!”

And he did. God’s will was done. And that was for David to come. He cane and got me. He’s always wanted ME!

He just wanted more now too. He wanted change.

And then we cried in each other’s arms in the park. He tried to get me to go back to the house and I said “not until she’s gone. I can’t have her there anymore. We have to find a new way forward, and it can’t be with her”

He said, “she’s already gone.”

And that’s when we started to talk …. over MANY months and really YEARS forward…. what we wanted this new “change” to look like……

So coming back full circle on this post…. all growth starts with change. You can’t expect anything to improve if you aren’t willing to change. You have to go all-in, you have to embrace change, you have to want to change…….

I’ll tell you more in Memoir 3 …. about how we’ve morphed from that night to where we are now.

And now I’m off of here … to EDGE. AGAIN! I’M SO FRUSTRATED. I NEED RELEASE! I’M NOT GOING TO LAST 7-DAYS! 😩

Hugs,

Marie