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Tag: authority

120 – What to do if he is wrong

i had a reader email me recently and ask, “what do you do if or when David is wrong? How do you submit to him when you just know that he is wrong?”

And the email went on to ask things like “what about when a parent is wrong and the child is expected to submit? Should you let it go and just submit, or bring it out and try to talk?”

i decided i would use that email as inspiration to make a post …. and show my vulnerability here to all. In fact, i haven’t responded yet to the emailer because i dwelt on and pondered these questions all day. And when i had formulated an answer, i thought maybe i would post it here to put it out there for all to see as well.

Why post it here? Because i suspect the emailer isn’t alone in wanting these answers, but they made a point to step out of their comfort zone and ask me. So i wanted to share my thoughts here for all to read, critique, and maybe even add your thoughts along side mine too.

Ultimately….. i still submit.

Plain and simple.

But there’s always more, right? So here’s the “more” part.

First and foremost, it is biblical. The Bible says Wives are to submit to their Husbands, and Husbands are to love their wives. It does not say Men are to submit to the wife, but rather he is to just love her. And if you want to get technical, it doesn’t say she needs to love him even. While that’s always a good thing, the single directive women have is to submit to their husbands.

And ultimately the Bible also says (in other places) that men are to submit to God and to lead their family. So the ultimate goal is to have one Head of Household (HoH) who follows God, and then she follows him.k creating harmony and unity within every family.

So that’s the overriding reason why i submit.

And yet, it is hard to sometimes hard to submit to an Earthly husband (and/or father… or really any authoritarian in our Earthly world) who does make mistakes and doesn’t follow all of God’s will…. all because he’s as human as the rest of us. He makes mistakes, decisions, and takes actions that are fallible and subject to errors. But i am told by God directly, in plainly written words that i am to submit and obey my husband.

So with that in mind, I submit.

But then if i K-N-O-W David is in the wrong, how exactly do i do that? Well… like everything in life…. it depends! Lol!

It mostly depends on what David is wrong about how exactly i respond really. There are things that he’s wrong about that simple just don’t matter! In those times, i just go with it.

For example, say he is driving to some place we haven’t been to before and i am a passenger. i have it all programmed into Google maps, which is telling us how to get there. And he says something like, “I know a shortcut. We are going this way.” And he turns off the road and takes an alternative route. Well, either he’s dead wrong about it being an available route at all or maybe just wrong about the idea of it being quicker. Either way, i know he’s wrong. In this case, i would do nothing. i would not point it out to him, in fact, i would not say a single word at all! Why? Because it doesn’t matter. He will figure out that we’ve gone off the best path soon enough. And Google will reroute and tell us the new way to go, which may even be to, “Make a u turn at the next street.” So by me pointing it out to David at this point is unnecessary and only serves to make me look arrogant, rude, and obnoxious. And cause us to fight. Which is just trouble for me, for no good reason. Which ultimately leads to discipline.

Now let’s say it’s more serious and it DOES matter. Whatever he’s wrong about can cause big problems because he’s wrong. What do i do then?

Well, i am having a hard time thinking of a good example here, so i am struggling to have an answer too. But what i think i would do is first say something like, “i’m not too sure that’s quite right. Can i tell you what i’m thinking?” And wait to see what he says.

More than likely he will say something like, “ok, what do you think?” and then i would say, “i believe it may be that the answer is…..blah, blah, blah”

But let’s say he doesn’t want to hear my opinion. He says instead, “I know I’m right and your opinion is irrelevant” (or something like that anyway). i would probably try to ask again by saying something like, “i’m quite concerned this may not be the best way forward. i am not sure you have all the facts. Can i please tell you what i know that you may not?” And that would most likely alert him that i think he really should hear me out.

But let’s just say he starts to get irritated and says, “I said no. I meant no. Now stop!” That’s when i typically just submit. And i say, “yes Sir” and get quiet.

Why not try to press on? Well, unless it is life threatening to one of us, i would tell you the answer here is the same as the answer above, it just doesn’t matter in the end. Oh there may be some bad stuff happen as a result of his decision, but does it really matter? i would tell you NO, it most likely does not.

Okay, so what IF it WAS life threatening? Well, i would insist he listen to me. And if he still didn’t listen to me, well now, i would refuse to submit. But notice how many layers i went through before i said i would not submit? Mainly because: 1) the Bible says it is my responsibility to submit, and 2) it just doesn’t really matter in the end.

i would also offer another thought too. Quite often, i find that my thoughts or ways are not “right” and his are not “wrong” either. Frequently it was a matter of opinion, not fact. And everyone is entitled to their opinion in the end. So why not just let him think what he wants and why try to prove i am “right” when in fact, it is just ultimately “different”?

Like in my example above about driving. Sometimes his short cut ways do get us there faster. Just because Google didn’t tell us to go that way, David did in fact know a short cut. So i was not right in thinking he was wrong!

And let’s just say something happens where he ultimately determines he WAS wrong. He wouldn’t say, “you were right” nor would i say, “i told you so,” because rubbing it in is unnecessary at that point. He would know he was wrong, he’d know i knew he was wrong, and we would deal with the consequences of whatever bad stuff happened because of the incorrect decision he made. And we would move on. Life wouldn’t be better (or worse) as a result of that bad decision, or his realization that he was wrong, just slightly different at that point. And in the scheme of things… not much different either.

And i’m ok with all that. i don’t have to be right. And as long as its not life threatening (or causing bodily harm), then…

It just doesn’t matter. And so i submit. i follow God’s will for me as a wife, and i pray that God gives my husband wisdom and guidance to follow God’s will also!

To my fellow submissives, what would you do if your Dom (or parent) was wrong? How would you handle the situation?

Hugs,

Marie

119 – Are all subs “little”? Or middle?

In thinking about and researching on submissive labels, i’ve read a lot about “littles.” And middles and older littles and younger littles and well…. all littles. i don’t know that i understood before, what it all is or means. Admittedly, i’m still not entirely sure i completely understand now even, but i suppose maybe that’s what this post is ultimately about then too.

For sake of this discussion, i’m going to just use “little” in the entire general sense… meaning all the people who think or act younger than their actual age are all “little” here. It’s just easier to use one word than every possible combination thereof. Now i know people in this space are likely cringing right now, but bear with me for just a few more minutes and hear me out. And see what ya think.

All this research of these submissive types has me wondering……

ARE ALL SUBMISSIVES LITTLE? (Again, common term “little” being used here)

As i understand it, the “little” person wants (needs!) to act in a way that is younger than their actual age, be cared for, give up control, follow directions (orders), and is typically (although not always) the sub in the relationship.

Now it made me wonder, “isn’t that a good way to describe ALL submissives?” As my Sir’s submissive wife, and all subs really do, i give up control, follow orders, and love being cared for.

Minus that part of the definition, what’s left is the “acts at an age younger than their actual” age part, which admittedly is probably THE biggest part of a little being a little. So that may be the deal breaker in my argument that ALL subs are littles. But i’d like to put forth a thought about that too, that maybe it isn’t even really an exception at all and this applies to all submissives too.

i think all submissives act a little younger than their actual age at some point, knowingly or not. Intentionally or not. What do i mean?

Well…. i give up control that i rightfully have, as the adult that i am. i give up control to make decisions, i defer to him for the rules, and i wait to be told things. i let him set the rules and tell me frequently what i can and can’t do. i do all this even though i don’t have to, but instead because i want to.

Ok, so isn’t that also what happened when you lived under the roof of your parents….when you were younger? They made the decisions and set the rules…. when to go to bed, what was for dinner, when to eat, what chores to do, approved if you went out and with whom and when to be home…. and…. they ultimately decided when you were rewarded or punished. So you were at least a little submissive (of some sort) when you were literally a little. And if it’s also now (effectively) the same thing that adults who are submissive are doing… doesn’t that seem to say all subs are littles too? (Like if A= B, and B= C, then A=C….. ??)

At the very least, aren’t all submissives “young’ish” at heart in the way we give up control to our Dom in a similar way to what we did when we lived under our parent’s roof?

Now i know much of the sub world doesn’t explore this dynamic the way some do. Ironically the ones who claim this in their world seem to me to be the adult-grown-up ones. Why do i say that? Well, you have to be mature enough to recognize it about yourself and that this is what you want… and then to also be mentally mature enough to go to that space and to make it work. That seems more intentional, and adult-like than the unaware sub. Oh i’m not saying the intentional littles are not littles (and definitely it criticizing their ability to do it), in fact, really the opposite actually. If they are alert enough to recognize this about themselves and to take action to have it in their relationship too, and to get to that mental space they need, they are really smart and i admire them for it!

i’m not sure what age that makes me really… but giving up the control that i do officially have the right to have (as an adult), kinda makes me feel little-r than i actually am.

Alright… but if that’s all i got that would make me think this label might apply to me ….. i will admit, this label doesn’t really seem to fit me much at all. (See how i experimented with the label, tried it on for size, and decided it really isn’t me at all.). So only in just the VERY loosest way, i’ll claim it… but barely.

i bet there are real “true” littles and middles of all ages who i really did make cringe a LOT now and are probably dying to set me straight. Okay, i’ll let you. 😊

Hugs,

Marie

117 – Second guessing

Why do we do it? Why do we second guess everything we say… we do… we think…. everything?

Our son took a speech class where the teacher told them, “you are not the star of the show.” Meaning….. if you say something stupid, or fall down the stairs, or walk around with the back of your dress stuck in your panties, it is most definitely embarrassing…….But… when you are NOT the star of the show, no one remembers you nor what happened or what was said. Oh sure, they will laugh for a minute, but 5-minutes after that…. you are a distant memory!

So why do we second guess ourselves if 5-minutes after it happens, no one remembers?

i say it is because we want to be liked… or dare i say …. LOVED! We want people to like us, and we get nervous about messing it up to give that person a reason to not like us.

But it can backfire too!

We are trying to hire some people at work right now and one lady we interviewed this week wouldn’t stop smiling and nodding her head. She was going for the, “yes, I’m very interested and engaged” (and I hope you like me) look. But it came off creepy and weird instead. If only she’d been herself, she’d probably have been better off. But as it is, we don’t know the “real” her and have zero knowledge if we should consider her as a good candidate to hire now.

Why am i talking about all this exactly? Well…. our date went well. But we were second-guessing ourselves along the way too.

Dating can be especially hard then when you are swingers. Now there are 4-people, instead of the usual 2, who all have equal opportunity to second guess! And to worry. And to not feel confident. Why? Because we want to make a good impression and for them to like us. All 4-of us!

Just so it doesn’t get confusing, his initial is B and hers is J…. so they are “BJ” together. How wonderful is that??

So J thought she might’ve talked to much. B was concerned that David wasn’t engaged (and therefore) uninterested. i worried about quiet a few things actually….. first about what to wear (too sexy, not enough), then about our D/s with DD dynamic coming off as “too much” to them, and finally when i knew they were worried, i worried about them worrying! And David … well…. i don’t think he had any concern. Lol

Why were they concerned? Mostly it was over David. In their mind, he wasn’t participating, having fun, or otherwise seeming interested. And yet…. he was. But he’s being himself too. He’s not trying to play the part of the star of the show.

David is a naturally quiet, laid-back, go with the flow, kind of guy. And when he has something to say, he does. But at the minute he’s not having fun, doesn’t want to be there, or otherwise (truly) not engaged…. he’s out. He’s done. And we leave. If David didn’t like them, we would not have even gone to dinner with them a second time. And if at any point during the dinner, if he was out then even, we would’ve up and left. Instead, we were there for 3-hours while the wait staff was hoping we’d leave and they could reseat and flip the table for the night too. Yet, we were there using our squatters rights to hold the table from the next diners while talking and having a great time. All while the other 3 of us were busy second-guessing ourselves.

So i’d dare to say that of all 4 of us… David probably had the best time! Because he wasn’t busy second-guessing, worrying, trying to impress, or …. trying to be the star of the show. Now what i will say is he’s been having a lot of sinus problems lately and even went to the doctor this week. The doc thinks he’s allergic to something but we don’t know what. So if David was unengaged at all, it was because he was in his mind thinking about whether he’s allergic to food/drinks, something in the air/outside….. and how can he work towards getting all the sinus drainage to stop.

So when we left there, i still think they had the feeling of a little uncertainty, and yet David talked in the car ride home all about “the next date needs to be at a place we can all get naked!” Of course, i am privy to all this insight because i am a naturally observant person and picked up on the sentences here and there like, “I think I’m talking too much,” and “Is David all good?” So i’m not sure if any of them know that i know this was the ultimate vibe or not.

After setting aside all this second-guessing and uncertainty, i dare say we all love each other! Oh i know it is way early to say that out loud even to ourselves really … but we are all having so much fun and enjoying things together when we are NOT worrying, that this could truly lead to a long term thing! We talk about everything and the topics just flow from cooking to sex to tv shows to kids to favorite restaurants and then bringing us full circle of what to cook again. And everything in between too!

Yes, we have talked a lot about sex too. They know David and my dynamic. They even saw a slight bit of it in action last night. J was about to say something, but i wanted to speak too. And i it my hand up and said, “wait J, i want to first say….” and it cut her off mid-sentence. David then cut me off and said in a very dominant/strong voice to me with direct eye contact, “that was rude and way too aggressive.”

i immediately stopped speaking, looked at J and said, “i am sorry. David is right. Please continue.” i think both BJ were a bit surprised, but laughed it off, and she said, “oh no, you can go ahead.”

i wasn’t sure what to do though because i wanted to follow David’s clear direction, but i also had been yielded the floor and didn’t want it to suddenly get awkward. And at this moment typing this to you, even i don’t really remember what happened next. (See.. 5-minutes later, no one remembers!). i think i then kept talking though.

So ironically, our second-guessing personal issues went head to head at that moment. i was concerned about our dynamic and their response, she was concerned about talking too much, and even B’s concern about David not engaging was at stake too. David did engage (by telling me to slow down), they did respond perfectly well to my submissiveness (didn’t skip a beat even!), and she yielded the floor to me (to not find herself talking too much). None of us realized any of that at the time though.

So in reality, we are all perfect. And are worrying wayyyyyy too much. Even now as i type all this, i can’t think of a single moment or instance that i thought J was truly talking too much or when David wasn’t engaged or when B seemed overly concerned about any of it either. Which tells me that our son’s speech teacher is right… we aren’t the star of the show and people don’t remember the single moments of mishap. And unlike my interview this week, when you show your self-confident, natural “you”, that ultimately sends the message you both need.

And yet…. we still second guess ourselves.

And that’s ultimately just because we really want each other to like each other! In an interview or on a date. Because we care and we (all) want this to work. To which for us and BJ, i am absolutely confident that it is!

Now i just have to make sure they know it is too!!

[And in case you want to know….. although i wasn’t sure at the time, David did not take the paddle with us. So i did not get spanked at the table or in the parking lot. So i did not have to spend the night in the pokey! Nor did we do maintenance when we got home either. Sometimes David declares it unnecessary, and he did that yesterday. So i suppose i was deemed to be on my best behavior too!]

Now to plan the next date…. to get naked!

i give this show 4-stars… get it, there’s 4 of us and we are not the stars of the show… but it is a “4-star show” in the end…. 😉

Have an amazing weekend my friend!

Hugs,

Marie

115 – A Bratting Submissive

On a previous post, a fellow blogger suggested that i may well be a “brat.” When she suggested it, i indicated i would research it. And i have.

And i must admit, it probably does describe me. Okay, fine, it DOES define me. Scratch the word probably from that sentence before.

But i didn’t exactly want it to be true though! The word “brat,” conjures up thoughts of a cranky, little child who is likely throwing a temper tantrum in order (to try) to get things their way. And the parent becoming incredibly annoyed that their child is acting this way, causing frustration that the parent even has to deal with this behavior.

It’s a negative behavior. Or so it seemed anyway. And i don’t want to be negative, troublesome, or to be problematic.

So all this is quite ironic because when i started googling various words and phrases about bratting, in my mind i heard myself saying things like, “i don’t even know why i am bothering to look this up. This is a waste of time. i am not a brat!!! This is just SO stupid to think this might describe me! This is SO not me!

Kinda sounds like a cranky little kid throwing a temper tantrum, doesn’t it??? Oh my! Palm plant to the face now!

Ok…. so… after some time to “change the attitude,” i reread her exact comment that she made and it said, “Bratting isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Daddy happens to love it about me.”

Okay, so if it isn’t necessarily bad, then it could be inherently good! And she even said her Daddy likes it about her. That’s when i restarted the google search with a much improved attitude… looking for the good and not just bad.

i did this second search as i laid in bed next to Sir. One site described a submissive brat as:

“A brat is a BDSM submissive, usually female, who enjoys being mischievous, disobedient and cheeky to their dominant, usually in a lighthearted manner. A brat’s qualities will usually be fundamental to their dynamic. Brattiness may be temporary or enduring”.

When i read this (silently), i started to giggle (out loud). David asked me what was so funny and i said, “Listen to this….” and i read him that paragraph above. No preamble or backstory for him to even know what prompted the search or the read to begin with.

His response was to nod his head in agreement, to raise his eyebrows upward, and say, “oh yeah! That definitely defines you!”

He continued, “its the mischievous and cheeky words, typically in a lighthearted manner, that seem especially applicable. I always know if you are being cheeky or intentionally disobedient. You keep it fun… most of the time.”

This got me to thinking about how our entire relationship has ALWAYS been this way. We have always said things that can and often do trigger one another. But we typically do it in a lighthearted and fun way. Although in the past, when it did sometimes go too far and over the edge of acceptable, it became contentious which sometimes led to fights.

Now…… we don’t fight. We settle things according to our way of DD. It’s in these times when i particularly pushthe limit of acceptability that i find myself Assuming the Position for a spanking where often i end up regretting my actions!

But all this research and label-making got me to thinking about my entire life and things i’ve done that might’ve been brat-like-behavior. Often at the time i do it, i find myself thinking, “why did i do that??” and more often than not the answers that come back include, “because it’s fun…”, or “because i can” or “because i want to see their response.”

i ultimately don’t ever do things that truly, intentionally cause harm or pain or difficulty to others. Just enough to cause them to move out of their comfort zone and provide a good laugh (for me especially)! FYI….. While i think April Fools day is fun, i don’t typically do a lot…. because i get fearful that my idea of a joke may not be received as well (lighthearted and cheeky) as i intend it to be!

So an example of what i do do…. in public groups, i have noticed people tend to sit in the exact same place every time, like it is their assigned seat. But.. we know… it’s not. Not really anyway. So i like to disrupt their pattern.

Here’s a particular example…. i used to belong to a networking group designed to help build your customer base. We met over breakfast every week. Same day, same time, same place and for the most part… same people. And i noticed after several months of going … those same people sat in the same exact spot too.

And one day… i decided to mix it up.

i arrived a couple of minutes early and put my things in one lady (Mary) “assigned seat,” effectively ousting her and claiming it as my own. i then walked around, mixed/mingled, and waited to see her come in and discover her seat was taken…. and ultimately to see her reaction.

i wasn’t far from “the seat,” when Mary arrived. i saw her but she didn’t know i was watching her response or that i was the trouble-maker. Alright… go time!

She stopped short. Looked around. Looked confused. And then proceeded to have a “oh well” look and selected the next seat to the right. She put her things down and went to get water/bathroom before the meeting started. ohhhhh this just got interesting because that is Jeff’s spot! So the plot thickens!

So now Jeff arrives and sees his spot taken, and says in a questioning but in a calm/comfortable tone, “Who took my spot?” loud enough for most of us to hear. Well since Mary was in the bathroom no one really responded to him. So Monica is always the helpful, peace-maker, and offered up that he could sit next to her and he did. But T-H-A-T spot belonged to Lisa!! So at this point, i am smiling outwardly and giggling inwardly. i am SO bad, but this is SO fun. And i didn’t ultimately cause any real HARM. i just mixed things up ….. just a little…..

When the meeting came to order and everyone was seated, Mary says aloud, “Marie! So you are the one who took my seat…. and caused the trickle down effect…. resulting in half the room needing stronger coffee this morning!” Okay, guilty as charged… but wasn’t this fun mixing things up? (While they laughed…. i don’t think they had as much fun as i did!!)

My sister says i am a, “shit-starter,” and she rolls her eyes at me, and smiles as she says it. So i suppose on some level it makes sense that i’d be the same way with David too.

But since he’s now known me for almost 25-years now… i’d say he likes me and my crazy shenanigans so i am probably ok here! But now with DD, he even has a way to respond (positively/ no fighting) when i go too far too.

So ultimately i guess I will own the label…. bratty submissive. But only the good parts.

And i’ll share some other labels in coming posts that i think would or could also apply too! i wouldn’t want to limit myself to JUST ONE! 😜

Go have a great day…. and mix up someone’s routine by taking their seat today…. it will be fun!!

Hugs ~

Marie

Day 17: My Submissiveness

DAY 17: “IT’S NOT LIKE THAT … “What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?”

Where do i start?? Lol! Ok, seriously, i feel like i could talk about quite a few. But THE one i’ll talk about here is….

Kinky people are not abnormal. (See that double negative there… that means kinky people ARE normal).

When you hear the word “kinky,” it is in reference to (and an adjective of ) how they like their sex. So in that sense, i admit kinky people are not mainstream, but they (we!) are indeed still normal.

Yet, i would like to even out forth the argument that they ARE mainstream, just in the closet. i happen to think that kinky sex people are the new closet-lurkers that used to be inhabited by the gay/lesbian community. But once the gay/lesbian people evacuated the closet, kinky sex people took their place.

Or maybe kinky sex people were always in the closet, yet with gay/lesbian standing at the front (nearest the exit), no one noticed us there. Until of course, gay/lesbians decided to open the door and outted themselves.

i think kinky became the new closet-lurkers with the release of 50 Shades. i think EL James let the world know, “we are here, now in the closet alone, which is cool by us because this just gives us more room to spread out in here and to explore our sexual preferences… yet still in the dark too.”

i think the word “kinky” could be replaced with “adventurous” or “adrenaline junky” too.

i think it humorous when people want to scare themselves intentionally via watching a horror movie, or getting on an extreme roller coaster, or skydiving from an otherwise perfectly good airplane – and yet – having adventurous sex seems abnormal, odd, strange, or unusual.

So somehow getting my type of adrenaline junky adventure on has deemed me odd, strange, or unusual. Yet scaring myself until i cry, urinate myself, or otherwise cause my heart to race itself into a premature attack is deemed acceptable. (Okay, so sometimes maybe kinky sex causes crying, urination, and heart attacks too…. but … again, that just goes to show we are normal and why is our adrenaline seeking methods less acceptable than others?)

i dare say, like gay/lesbians, we are probably enjoying better and more frequent sex than the nay-saying, mainstream community has ever had.

i have asked the questions above about “why are kinky people’s methods deemed abnormal when the other mainstream activities are not.?” But you and i both ultimately know the answer…. because it’s not the way we were raised, because we aren’t supposed to be with more than one lover at a time, because we shouldn’t like being spanked or treated like a child or otherwise degraded….. or so it would seem to the outsider anyway!

And yet…. we do.

Our likes (and dislikes) don’t make us abnormal. i’d say maybe judgements and misunderstandings should be deemed the abnormal behavior here and the mainstream should be forced to bend a little. Oh wait…. that’s already happened by those gay/lesbian peeps before us. Honestly, while i think kinky people are ready to also evacuate the closet, we will probably just ease out slowly and walk along the path that those gay/lesbian (and EL James) Trail Blazers already cut for the rest of us!

So when someone at work, who you deem “normal” tells you some crazy and kinky story about their sex life…. don’t change your opinions about them one iota. They are still normal too!

Oh – and if/when mainstream DOES “bend a little” – i hope it’s so they bend OVER to get spanked or at least to have some of the best sex of their lives!

Hugs ~

Marie