A Domestic Discipline Contract Is A Godsend
i was lucky: the domestic discipline contract David and I established in the beginning was relatively easy for both of us. i consider myself fortunate enough to marry a man who was willing to explore his dominant role hand-in-hand with me, i never had to go through the dilemma that most women find themselves in.
In most households, it’s the women who start this conversation. i know that there are men seeking DD relationships also, but for now let’s look at the woman’s perspective. i think because it’s the interest in spanking that all of us share which starts the ball rolling, it’s some time before women realize that it isn’t just spanking but something deeper they want – a real disciplinary framework backed up by consequences. For most women, they want those consequences to be spanking; there’s just something cathartic about it that is unlike having privileges taken away.
Because of that, many people seeking advice in the past on domestic discipline have been told to provoke or ask for spanking, which is really bad advice. Unfortunately, because so there’s so much out there for people wondering “am I kinky?”, or who get turned on by the thought of being a spanked wife, but not so much for people focused more on how to start domestic discipline. For me, approaching David and asking him for what i felt i needed – specifically my need for structure through discipline in addition to the arousal, pleasure, and release i get from his spankings – was crucial to our setting off on the right path.
i’ve gotten comments from people who for one reason or another have gone halfway on this first step finding themselves unsure how to correct the feeling that they’ve somehow gotten off course. “I got up the courage to tell my husband that I want to be spanked and now he thinks I’m kinky. He just doesn’t understand. It’s not just about that!”
For men, who often take things at face value if his woman tells him that she wants to be spanked then that is just what that means to him and he’ll either think it a nice new “spice” in the bedroom or will simply tell her he’s not interested in playing those kind of sexual games.
While domestic discipline often incorporates spanking, spanking isn’t all what it’s all about. Domestic discipline is about a loving disciplinary framework worked out and agreed upon by both partners. In this relationship, rules are laid out that both can live with from a compliance and an enforcement standpoint. She has to feel comfortable obeying them; he has to feel they are important enough to enforce. He has to agree to follow through. She has to agree not to abuse her need to feel boundaries by breaking them intentionally just to get punished. This relationship shouldn’t feel like a parent/child setting but a system between two equals.
Domestic discipline is a contract between you and your husband, with rules that must be followed in order for it to work. For a contract to work, it has to be understood by both parties, who have to agree to it. If a contract is going to be sustainable, it has to benefit both parties.
It helps to have already established a relationship with your husband where you can tell him your feelings and insecurities without the fear of reproach or ridicule. It really helps if you’re in a relationship with a husand with whom you can communicate and whom you respect. If the relationship is already rocky, the last thing you want to do is implement a system where there is a power imbalance. If your marriage isn’t strong, shelve DD awhile and work on the relationship. You can always try to implement it later.
If you can talk to him, tell him that you have a deep, unmet need for limits and guidelines. Tell him that you feel secure living under the rules of loving authority. Reassure him that you aren’t looking for a daddy but more of a mentor figure who will shepherd you within a loving framework.
Give him time to absorb this. Remember that in our politically correct culture, a male-dominated home may seem almost like an alien concept. In the initial conversation you may not even want to bring up the subject of rules or consequences. Just let him know about your needs. Answer any questions he has as honestly as you can.
If he does understand and – best case scenario – this appeals to him then you will want to start brainstorming together about a possible rules and consequences. At this point you could bring up spanking. He may embrace the idea or he may really shy away from it because men are told they shouldn’t hit women. It’s a good idea at this point to let him in on what you already know, which is that quite a few principled men and women are living in arrangements where spanking and other consequences are used quite effectively. Again, give him time to absorb what you have said. If he’s so inclined he can solicit advice from some men who are already established as dominant partners in their relationship.
If he is open to the idea of a domestic discipline contract, shower him with love and appreciation. If he is reluctant, be understanding and patient. If he flat out refuses – worst case scenario – respect his feelings and try to imagine how you would feel if he were trying to convince you to discipline him. Some men are not interested in having a submissive wife, or in being a dominant husband and as much as it hurts, if you are in a relationship to stay then you must not push something on him that will bring him unhappiness.
Building a domestic discipline relationship is like building a house. It requires a good foundation of respect, understanding and patience. That foundation is your domestic discipline contract. If approached in a prudent manner dividends will pay off in the long run and you will both have a household that is the richer for it.