291 – My Toy or Your Tool

i did it. i made David mad today. i didn’t mean to. It just happened.

He was out of town for 24-hours .. yesterday left, home today. This morning he texted me good morning and i reciprocated. Then he asked me if i was excited about my “new toy” arriving today.

i got an email yesterday that FINALLY the new chastity belt was to be delivered today. i ordered it on July 10, and finally on December 15 it was to arrive. FIVE months in the making, Their website says “due to COVID supply chain issues, please allow 1-3 months for delivery.” And today was the day it FiNaLlY was scheduled to arrive.

Well. i was excited…..But not to have a “new toy” arrive. i felt like he was insulting me, or making fun of me, or something like that.

i suddenly thought, “this is all just a big game to him. And when he’s tired of playing it, he gets lax. And when he wants to play again, he goes 100% all in.”

And, in my own mind at least, it suddenly made sense to me that he doesn’t LIKE this dynamic and (probably) only does it to make me happy and satisfy my needs. While i should be happy he wants to please me and make me happy, at least some of the time, it makes me UNhappy to think he ONLY does it (“it” being Dominant) to make ME happy.

Suddenly i couldn’t decide if i was sad, hurt, mad, confused, or what! Maybe hurt is best. i couldn’t believe i have been so stupid for so long now and not known or realized he thinks this is all just one big game.

So.

i asked him. About how serious he is about our dynamic.

But.

Not quite that simple either. If it had been, i probably wouldn’t have made him mad.

What i wrote was…..

I guess it may be a “toy” but I think of it as more than that. I think of it as a better way of life and marriage. I think the same about the paddle, cane, and crop. And even my collars.

And i then also wrote…..

I think if you thought of them as your tool(s), instead of my toys(s), things would be that much better.

THAT was when he responded back.

“Fuck you.”

Ahh crap. This isn’t how i should have done this at all.

And i immediately apologized. But. The damage was done.

i genuinely didn’t mean to cause a fight. i thought by leading with “I think” it would be how I THINK. But he took it as, “you should think” which was me telling him what to think or what to do.

That’s when i said…

I genuinely did NOT Intend to make you mad. I was very shocked to see your response. I’m sorry.

If you don’t like being Dominant, or using my toys, then just tell me so. That’s understandable. I just get confused when sometimes you are and sometimes you aren’t, and I just don’t know.

I’m sorry.

To which he didn’t respond for several hours. And when he did, there was nothing about any of this. That moment, along with the anger and any other emotion, had passed. It was as if it never happened at all.

When i got home, i found the package on my bed. i had actually forgotten about the delivery until I saw it.

i opened it up and was excited to see if it fit. And i found the lock on it is really not the right size. It’s hard to explain, but it’s a bit too tight and NOT easy to get on/off.

i decided to try to figure it out while the CB is NOT on my body and therefore not quite as hard to sort out. But then it was time for dinner and our son just got home from college today too, so i let it be. T

hat was when David asked me, “do you have it on?” And i said no, of course.

When he asked me why, i said, “because i can’t figure out the lock,” which confused him. After i showed him how it was not fitting on the belt very well, he tried it himself and agreed it wasn’t working well.

We let it go and we all went out to eat. In addition, David/i drank a bottle of wine. We enjoyed seeing our son and eating/drinking good together as a family again.

When we got home, David became determined that he would figure out the lock. He did research and found that it is a slight bit incorrectly sized and David ordered a new one on Amazon that (hopefully) will be better.

Then after he finished that, he comes in to me and says, “Don’t tell me I’m not serious about this (dynamic and being dominant) when I come home after relaxing and enjoying good wine to then spend nearly an hour researching how to get the right lock!”

So it wasn’t 100% forgotten from this morning like i had assumed.

Now i also think i exaggerated the whole situation from the morning in my head. i got myself in a tizzy for no reason, and provoked my Sir for another no good reason. over my assumption that “my toy” was a game.

i think maintaining 100% consistency about anything in life is difficult and hard to sustain. Maybe a “break” is good (for anything ) sometimes. It’s what you do after the break that matters.

Like if you work out 7-days a week, you’ll eventually burn out. You need a break, as long as you get back out there and go to it again. Same thing with a diet. You can’t live on a diet, but you can give yourself a pass sometimes to eat the dessert (or the glass of wine) and enjoy it.

So maybe David needs a break sometimes. i may well need a break sometimes too actually.

And maybe he didn’t think of the new CB as “my toy” at all. Maybe he was just messing with me and texting that way to be fun and cut up. Who knows! What i do know is that he’s right… if he didn’t care or want to use “my toys” as “his tools” he wouldn’t have spent an hour figuring out the lock!

Maybe in his toolbox is a lot of physical “tools” but maybe some ones that are mental too. Maybe i need to get out of my own head already.

Won’t lie though,., i’m hoping (praying really!) that tomorrow…. a Friday… that we have maintenance. It could do a lot of good if David were to use the Tool (aka: paddle) on my bottom.

Hugs,

Marie