44 – Fixing what broke
TODAY – Jan 6, 2020 – is mine and Sir’s 19th anniversary. And i couldn’t be happier that we ‘made up’ and are ‘back to normal’. Of course, the normal that includes domestic discipline (DD), him being the Head of Household (HoH), me being submissive and accepting of punishment.
See the thing was, before we ever did DD we weren’t “happily married”. Oh i thought we were. Mostly. But then i knew somewhere inside that we really weren’t. i never felt like i respected him the way i should. In fact, one time (long ago!) he actually called me out on it! And i was like, “What do you mean I don’t respect you?! What exactly do you expect me to do to show you ‘respect’????” … with the word “respect” being spit at him with distain and in such a mocking voice that any self-respecting man would have recognized that i was a shrew in need of a good spanking! But because we had no such DD in our life then, we got into a HUGE fight and at the end nothing got resolved so we just agreed to disagree and ‘forget’ it.
But then, after we started doing DD a bit more than a year ago….we talked more than ever, i showed respect the way he deserved, we had ways to resolve disagreements and we were happy. And disagreement… well… they rarely happened because we both knew who was in charge and who’s word mattered. And i liked it!
And when we stopped… it all went away. The calm, the resolution, the respect, and the best marriage ever. Obviously, my marriage didn’t technically ‘go away’, but it may as well have. So i knew it could be “back to normal” if i’d just stop being stubborn, let my heart be exposed and ask for forgiveness and to start again. So that’s what caused me to step out in faith and risk being rejected and send the text.
What …..a text? Why not show true courage and speak in person? Well in person would’ve been the best option, but i was feeling insecure… and it took the whole ride to work to give me the courage to talk at all! So text was better than nothing.
So i texted Sir and said, “i miss spanking” and he immediately responded with “me too”, and just like that….we started talking. My husband is NOT a talker so to talk as much as we have, i can tell he really did want a do-over and to start fresh as much as i did.
And despite a possible rejection, he did the opposite – he made my heart SOAR!
The BEST (early) anniversary gift ever!
At the time that i caused the problems though and refused to be spanked, i really didn’t think he LIKED the DD stuff. i felt that he did it for a couple of reasons but mainly because i asked him to do it. So after he wasn’t doing what i thought he should, as Dom and HoH, i decided this charade was stupid and didn’t want to do it anymore. YES, i DID want to do the DD and D/s. But i wanted him to want to do it. Not me wanting him to do it with him simply obliging.
And it wasn’t until he got SO mad that day that i realized that maybe he started doing it for me and because i asked, but by the time we ‘called it quits’ he was really doing it because he wanted to. But then it felt like it was just too late.
i had screwed up and it was what it was. You made your bed, so lie in it. And accept it. And be happy too! Except i wasn’t happy.
So when i initiated the text, that was when truly we started talking again too.
The first thing he really said to me about everything was, “Short of abusing you by forcing you to accept punishments that I deem necessary, this doesn’t work. And in the process, I feel as if you are just playing at this and not being submissive at all. So when you choose to stop playing, I’m left feeling betrayed for having believed this was real.”
Wow. That really opened my eyes! i know that the sub has a lot of power to accept or deny a Dom’s authority. But i never really thought about how it would (figuratively) castrate him if i “just stop”, and especially in grand form the way i did!
So – i apologized. Profusely.
And we talked about ‘if this ever happens again’ what would i tell and suggest that Sir do in the future if this ever happen again. Well, since i’ve had a LOT (4-months now) of time to think about this, i actually had an answer.
i told him, “Ignore me. Completely. Do not speak to me at all, except to say, ‘Are you ready to accept the punishment that you know you deserve now?’
And i went on to say, “if you ignore me and do NOT speak to me, even if it takes days, i know i will come around. i may be stubborn as all get out and take that long, but i will change and accept my punishment properly. And while sitting here now i’d like to say this won’t ever be a problem again, i can’t be certain. But what i am certain of is i love who we are when you are my HoH and i submit! So i DO want this!”
His response, “I can do that.” (And i know he will!)
He then asked, “But truly …What IF you decide you really don’t want to do DD or HoH anymore?” My response was easy, “i know i won’t ever NOT want this….as i’ve missed you and our ways so much in these months. But ‘if’ i ever decide that, we will talk about it when we aren’t dealing with a punishment situation and with level-heads. And we won’t talk about it until after i accept the punishment that i refused. Either way, it won’t happen until we are past that situation and able to talk properly. i am willing to write that down now on paper if need be.” (He said to blog about it…. so i am! lol).
So today – January 6, 2020 – is our anniversary and we have now been married for 19-years. i know the next (however many) years ahead will be WAY better than the last ones because we have a new (permanent!) way of doing things.
A way that works. A way that i’ve learned i need in my life and i need Sir to be the one i do it with. And i’m happy…. again.
And that’s when i got spanked for the original punishment….. for masturbating without permission or approval. I’ll talk more about how that went in the next post!
Hugs,
Marie