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22 – WHY did i do it?

Written by Marie on . Posted in Deep Thoughts, Marriage, Punishment. No Comments on 22 – WHY did i do it?

David and i don’t have many official “rules” to our DD.  But, like any good marriage, we do have some.

WHY do we have rules? 

Well, EVERY marriage has rules… who’s responsible for laundry, dishes, cooking, kids, paying bills, etc.  Maybe they are literally spelled out but they are inherent. It keeps things flowing in the right direction.  Right?

So our DD relationship also has rules.  Some anyway.  Again, we don’t have many, but the ones we have are there for a reason.

What rule am i talking about?

i like to take warm, soaking baths.  When we started this DD relationship, David made it clear to me he wanted me to ASK PERMISSION to take a bath.  Every time.  And i have done that.  Until today.

i just ‘decided’ to take a bath.  Without asking.  Without permission.   And i didn’t really care.  i knew the rule.  i knew i was supposed to ask.  And i just didn’t care.

After math…

So after i got out of the tub, i decided to rat myself out.  i texted Sir (he wasn’t home when i did the deed.)… and the text simply read, “i took a bath.”

And a few minutes later i get a text back that read, “did you enjoy it?”

“Yep”

“But you didn’t ask.”

“I know.  That’s why I’m telling you now.”

“But you knew I’d say yes.”

“True”

What made me do it?

i’m not entirely sure, but after i’ve thought about it NOW,  i can tell you what i think….

  • i was feeling self-indulgent.  i wanted to do something ‘for me’.
  • i was completely certain he’d say yes to it (even he said so – see text above), so why even have this rule?  What does it matter?  Just do it and maybe this dumb rule can be eliminated altogether.  Maybe even he will see that it is dumb.
  • what if today is “the” day he says no?  i didn’t want to chance Sir saying NO, so i decided to do it.  (Better to ask forgiveness than permission?!?!)

Let’s break this down…..

  • i was feeling self-indulgent.  i wanted to do something ‘for me’. 

Well of course i was.  i was “entitled” to something for me.  Right?  WRONG!  i acted like a spoiled little brat.  And while i didn’t think of it this way when i did it, i certainly now think it probably was a bratty thing to do.  (i never thought i was a ‘brat’ until maybe today.)

  • i was completely certain he’d say yes to it (even he said so – see text above), so why even have this rule?  What does it matter?  Just do it and maybe this dumb rule can be eliminated altogether.  Maybe even he will see that it is dumb.

So frankly there’s a lot in this thought.

First:  “He’s going to say yes”.  Okay, so what?  That tells me merely that Sir is trustworthy and consistent.  That shouldn’t be taken for granted.  AND the decision to say yes/ no wasn’t mine to make, it was his.  i’ve previously given him that decision-making-power, and today, i chose to take it back.  It wasn’t mine to take back.

Second:  “Dumb rule”.  Okay, so what.. again?  Even if i think it’s dumb, there’s some reason Sir put it out there from the start, made me think i needed to rat myself out, and David called me out on it today.  Not every rule in life makes sense to me, but like some of those others, maybe they are there for “my own good”.  And maybe i just need to follow the rules and not question them so much.  And i’m certainly not in a position of authority to be able to change them.

So accept them, follow them, and no one gets hurt!

And speaking of “HURT”……

Well, David is still not home yet.  In fact, i don’t expect him home for several more hours.  But my butt is already raw.. not literally , yet anyway.  But i’m WELL aware that it will be.  Just sitting here typing i can already appreciate how sore my butt will be the next time i sit down to do anything.

WHY DID I DO THIS?

i’m not entirely sure, because if i’d thought through everything i just did here BEFORE i’d broken the rule, i’d not be contemplating the soon-to-be-inflicted pain.

Hugs and Kisses ~

Marie

21 – Maintenance is working as intended

Written by Marie on . Posted in Uncategorized. No Comments on 21 – Maintenance is working as intended

So i wondered from the beginning WHY do people do Maintenance.  i even previously blogged about it, where i came to terms with the idea.

Last week, Sir decided we would do DAILY maintenance.  D*A*I*L*Y.

Keep in mind that while i had come to the realization that it did have a proper place in domestic discipline, i still wasn’t keen on it.

But i still submitted.  “Yes Sir”.  And what i was thinking in my head was “BUT WHY?”

Well, i admit – it works.

We have now done it for a week.  My bottom is not nearly as sore as i’d have thought, but i have realized quite a few things about myself, spankings, maintenance, and submission.

Namely:  IT WORKS.  Maintenance.  It works.

Here’s how the week has gone:  

Day 1: – i didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ so remind me WHY do we to do this!? (grumpy)

Spanking hurt.  It was intended to be so.  i was standing on the floor, legs apart, hands on the side of the bed.

At the end, i felt his fingers reach between my legs.  And i heard him say, “Good girl for taking that spanking.  Do you want to cum?”

Me:  “Thank you Sir.  Yes, i’d like to cum”.
And he fingered me until i begged permission to do so.  And he said Yes!

Day 2: – Okay, now it hurts.  (seriously, is this really necessary?)

Sir seems to want to get it over with.  Going fast, firm, and intense.

But at the end, he pushed me up onto the bed in a doggie style and asked me if i wanted to cum.  Of course, i said “YES SIR!”.

And he fingered me again until i came.

i guess while maintenance spankings are necessary, if i take them as i should without complaining, there is a reward at the end!

Day 3: – i don’t want this to be the norm.  (fine, maybe it IS necessary)

The spanking of course.  The cum – YES, please, can i do it again?!!

Day 4: – okay, i’ll just get into position before he even tells me to.  He was impressed and surprised.  (okay, this hurts enough i need to submit without getting a “real” spanking).

But i took the liberty to change up “the position”.  i propped pillows on the bed, angled myself over them so that my ass was in the air, and put my arms under my stomach (so i couldn’t be tempted to reach back and stop the spanking mid-way).

What i didn’t appreciate was that when he hits now, the ‘give’ between the paddle and the bed is not much.  And there’s no place for me to straighten up, flex or move away, and i feel the full brunt of it.

Add to that, David has increased the intensity of the maintenance spanking and each swat is delivered more intentionally also.  He even started to tell me, “That was a 30% arm strength”.  i can’t imagine what 100% would feel like.  And i hope i never have to find out!  As i said, “working as intended!”

But then came the reward.  He said, “Flip over on your back.”  i did.  WOW – my ass stung as it came together with the bed!

He got between my legs and licked me until i begged him to allow me to cum.  He said YES!  And i released my orgasm on his face.

Day 5: – Get a text “Assume the position”.  His arm and swats are firmer.  He is testing my limits.  (now i’m compliant and expecting it, although not exactly wanting it).

i had hoped to have a reprieve because David had to take our son to school  as he missed the bus.  And i had gotten dressed intending to go to work and was excited at the possibility of skipping today’s maintenance.

Darn it.  NO such luck.  But maybe the cum reward afterward will be sufficient and i’ll have to relax and wait for the reward.

i didn’t know what “the position” he meant – standing by the bed or laying on pillows with ass in the air.  I opted for the latter because i just wasn’t sure how much time would lapse until he was home.  And David seemed pleased to see my ass in the air when he did arrive home.

i cringed with each swat.  And i prayed it would end soon.  And i prayed that he’d allow me to cum.  And i thanked God for this man and his discipline and leadership of me and our family.  And i prayed that God would help me submit always and to never have to incur the wrath of Sir’s disciplinary spanking.  Ever.  (Although i know it will be needed at some point, i pray it is no time soon!).

Working as intended.

And i got to cum too.

Day 6 – i don’t even get dressed.  i just know there’s no point.  i am accepting.  The intensity has increased with each day.  I cringe.   (i do NOT want the real spanking because maintenance is enough!)

i wish there were a way to avoid this.  But i don’t see there is.  And arguing the point that i’ve gotten the message wouldn’t help, in fact, it would likely elicit a true disciplinary spanking as i felt the need to argue.

He peppers my ass with small, intense swats all over.  And then a BIG SWAT.  OUCH!  And repeat with small swats all over and SMACK!  OUCH AGAIN!  By the time he was done, my voice was almost hoarse from letting out the yelps of pain.

And he climbed between my legs once again.  This part is SO AMAZING!  He let me cum. i pray he never says NO to the cumming part.

For the first time ever he tells me, “Wow, you had a little bit of a squirt that time”.

REALLY?

Day 7: – i wake up and tell Sir, “These maintenance spankings are having the desired effect.  i won’t intentionally misbehave.  Knowing the intensity and heat from a red hot ass after maintenance, i have ZERO desire to have a discipline spanking.  David says, “GOOD!  Then we can skip today’s maintenance.”

Phew!  A reprieve.

But no cum.  i guess there is a bitter sweet to this.  i bet Sir will be desirous to allow me to cum without a spanking though too! 🙂

8th day –

Sir asks, “Is your ass still sore?”

Me: “No Sir”

Sir says, “Hmm.  Maybe we need to work on the intensity to ensure it is a lasting effect!”

Me:  “Two days later?”

Sir:  “YES! But now you can insert a butt plug and wear a g string to hold it in tight today!”
Oh my!

Day 9 – will be tomorrow – i wonder what it may hold.  And when can i graduate to NOT being daily maintenance?!!!

Hugs and Kisses ~

Marie

20 – COMPLETELY ANGRY!

Written by Marie on . Posted in Punishment, Spanking. 1 Comment on 20 – COMPLETELY ANGRY!

i’ll get right to the point.  i got ANGRY at Sir tonight.

He did something to “help” me, that had i KNOWN he had done it already, i wouldn’t ahve ALSO done it.  ALL he had to do was TELL ME.  But he didn’t.  And that caused me to do about 3 hours of extra work that was duplicating efforts for NO Reason.

He didn’t mean to not tell me.  But he didn’t.

Like everyone, we are all so busy in life, that spending THREE HOURS doing something that didn’t need to be done at all, seems like a complete waste.  And i couldn’t help but think, “all he had to do was TELL ME!”  But he did NOT.

He knew i was mad too.

But here’s where PRE-DD and POST-DD resulted in a VERY different outcome.

Let me tell you what would’ve happened – PRE-DD.

i would have said, “WHY didn’t you tell me?  You KNEW that was important.  If you’d told me it would have saved me a LOT of time!  Seriously, I’m ANGRY at you!”

And he would’ve said, “I did the work.  So I didn’t tell you I did it.  I did it to help you!  It got done!  If you wanted to know, you should’ve asked!”

And me, “It didn’t help me for you to do it if I didn’t KNOW you did it!  And as to me Asking you…. How would I even KNOW to ask – ‘hey, did you do this thing we never even talked about, and I planned to do because I’m responsible for but that you may have decided to do it anyway’ – REALLY???”

And from there – we would have gotten in a fight where he would’ve said things about how i’m not grateful, i just want to complain, that i am always grumpy and nagging, that i always see the negatives.

And i would’ve come back with things like he never takes responsibility for his actions, that he could’ve communicated with me, and now he refuses to see that his failure to communicate is the real problem here, and he should apologize.

And he wouldn’t.

And we would have the silent treatment and sulk and be angry for the rest of the evening!

NOW let me tell you what did happen – POST-DD.

He knew i was mad.  But i just held my tongue.  i said NOTHING.

Until…..

He said, “What?  What do you want to say?”

i said, “i’m not going to tell you what i’m thinking because it will come out ALL wrong and i’ll just end up in the bedroom with a red ass!”

He said, “You are really pretty much there already with that tone! So you may as well speak your mind!” (And his anger was starting to rise, but not ‘quite’ there yet).

i said, “i’m so angry right now, but i don’t want to tell you anything.  And if i’m already headed to the bedroom….. (and i paused and said)…. let’s just go now and get it over with!” (in a fairly angry, about to explode tone, but not ‘quite’ there yet).

Since our son was out of the house at the time, i stripped naked while stomping to the bedroom and just dropped a trail of clothes along the way.

i didn’t look him in the eye, say a word, or acknowledge a thing.

He laughed.  That made me madder!

i put my hands on the bed, spread my legs shoulder-width apart, looked down, and was determined to NOT MOVE!

And he had the paddle already in his hand.  He swung it hard.  It instantly hurt.  But i refused to move!  i didn’t even flinch!

And he swung it again.  Hard again.  Wow.  It hurt.  But i still did NOT move.

A third time and a fourth and a fifth.  i counted.  Not outloud because Sir doesn’t require it, but in my head.

My butt was on fire already!

Is it my imagination or is he swinging harder than ever before?  Does he WANT to make me use the safe word?  — i’ve not used it yet — so maybe this is his time to get it to come out?!

Six.  And i flinched.  But it hurt.

Seven.  And i flinched even more.  Okay, so my butt is on fire.

And THEN – EIGHT –  HURTTTTTTTTTT!  A LOTTTTTTT.  WOW.  That was THE worst yet!  i just know David put more force into that one!   And i almost hit the ceiling – hands came off the bed, legs went perfectly straight – i was standing upright.

He said nothing.

i took about 3-4 seconds to collect myself and i resumed the position.

NINE – OMG – is it even possible to be even MORE painful?  okay, i’m thinking how many more can i take without safe-wording and how much more power is he going to put into the next swing?

Tears came to my eyes.  First time EVER for that!

TEN – Just as bad.

ELEVEN – same as Ten.  My butt is burning and on fire for sure.  how many more?!

TWELVE – Okay, more intense again.  i stood up with tears in my eyes and with a pleading voice squeaked out, “Please Sir, can we be done?”

With that he said, “Are you still mad?”

okay, so i kinda wasssss still mad, but not nearly like before.

And i told him that.  He said, “Do you think you can calm down (the rest of the way) or should we keep going?”

And i responded with, “Yes Sir, i believe i can.  And i’m sorry i got so mad”.

BONUS:

That’s when he put the paddle away, hugged and kissed me, said he loved me and he was happy that THIS was how this ended.  And after that, we talked.  About the original task.  He apologized for not realizing that i didn’t know and not telling me.  He thanked me for not yelling or starting a fight.  He recognized that i held my tongue (mostly) and that the way i controlled myself was significantly better than it would’ve been without DD.

And i thanked him also for working the anger out in a positive way.  i thanked him for the spanking.  For being in control.  For knowing how to use force when needed.  (David admitted that he used more forceful swats tonight than he has ever before). 

So instead of fighting, we talked.  Reasonably and positively.

We both agreed that Post-DD is significantly better than Pre-DD.
We are NEVER going back!

NO fighting.  NO residual anger. It happened, it was dealt with, and the rest of the evening has been pleasant!

And NOW he made me popcorn and brought it to me for me to watch the fall season opener of my favorite tv show!  🙂

(Oh and in case you are wondering – more than an hour later, i’m struggling to sit … my ass is SOOOOO RED!).

Final Score:  

Pre-DD: 0, Post-DD: 1.  Its a WIN for DD!

16 – Submit even when you aren’t “Feeling it”

Written by Marie on . Posted in Submission. No Comments on 16 – Submit even when you aren’t “Feeling it”

i don’t know WHY i was having a “bad day”…. But i was.  Yesterday, i wasn’t “feeling it”.  i wasn’t feeling work, cooking, eating, nothing.  i just kinda wanted to be alone in my alone world.  In fact, i was feeling quite selfish overall.  i didn’t really recognize it for what it was until Sir pointed it out to me.

He said, “You are having a lot of trouble with this Submission thing today!”  And my first thought was, “No I’m not!”.  (Notice the capital “I”?? Read this post about that: https://wordpress.com/post/lovingdisciplinelife.com/69).

While i didn’t say it, it was true.  And i didn’t even realize it at the time either.

But he would be right.

So let me back up to the morning….. rewind…..  yesterday morning….

i was horny.  He knew it.  And he had to leave before me.  So he told me to masturbate.  But because we are doing Orgasm control too (see this post for more on that: https://wordpress.com/post/lovingdisciplinelife.com/95), he told me i had to “Masturbate to the edge, but DO NOT CUM, 4 x’s on repeat and THEN ask permission to cum.”

So that’s exactly what i did.  And he said i could.  And i was SO thankful.  i wouldn’t have been happy at all if he’d said no.  But alas, he didn’t, so i did.  And boy was it sooooo nice!

But THEN, he texted about 2-minutes later and said, “But now you have to wear the tack bra for having masturbated 2-days ago without permission.”  (Which i had and he busted me on!).

i begged, “NO please, Sir.  i really need to focus at work today and i don’t want to have to wear that.  Can i just wear it from the time i get home?!” And he did (Thankfully) relent.

And nothing else was said about it.  And my work day was stressful.  i came home tired and feeling so tired.  And since NOTHING else had been said about it, when i got home,  i didn’t put on the tack bra.

Then an hour later, i got in my favorite PJ’s (NOT his favorite – pants, top, made of cotton, super soft, but super “mom” and not at all “sexy”).  And didn’t say a word, just climbed into bed to play on my ipad a bit.

THAT was when he came in and told me i was struggling to be submissive.  i think he knew i didn’t have the tack bra on.  But he more-or-less let it go.  And i was happy.

Then today came….

And i felt guilty.  i felt very un-submissive in my behavior yesterday.  So without being told or asked, i just put on the tack bra anyway.

Now you have to understand, this was **THE** first time i’d actually been told to wear it since it was made.  But he told me, “If you make it, you better be prepared to wear it!” – and i wasn’t!

At least last night.  But today, i was determined to be a better submissive wife.

OUCH!

Okay, so putting it on wasn’t a big deal – not as much as i’d imagined anyway.  My imagination had gone crazy thinking how awful this would be.  So i went about getting ready for work.

And Sir texted me.  And here’s how the texting went:

Sir: “You should cum”.

Me: well, i had to clarify, “Is that a suggestion or a requirement?”

Sir:  one word, “Requirement”.

Me: “i’m not exactly feeling horny.  Do i have to?”

Sir:  “You need to start realizing that it doesn’t matter if you ‘feel’ it or not.  Now DO IT!”

Me:  “Yes Sir”.

Sir:  “Send me a picture”.

And the picture had the tack bra showing in it too.

Sir then texts:  “You put it on?  Without me telling you?”

Me: “Technically speaking, you DID tell me to put it on and i felt particularly unsubmissive in my actions and behaviors yesterday, and needed to make amends.”

Sir:  “Good girl!”

Me:  But oh-my-gosh – after moving around to masturbate and cum – when i wasn’t even horny and had to get myself to that point without ‘feeling it’ was PAINFUL with a tack bra on!  Holy H-E-Double Hocky sticks!

Me to Sir:  “Sir, i know you told me to wear this.  And technically, i have.  But it is SERIOUSLY hurting already and i haven’t left the house.  Can i have permission to NOT wear it to work, please?”

Sir:  “Because you recognize your own need for discipline and because you realize you did not follow orders without having to make me administer discipline, I will allow you to not wear it to work.  This time.  But get your attitude in check, and remember YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE AT ALL ANYMORE! or next time you WILL wear it out of the house until i tell you otherwise!”

Me:  “OH THANK YOU SIR!”

SO – Sir is seriously taking on the Dom role nicely.  i am having to learn that i am really NOT in control anymore.  i have to remember that even when i don’t ‘feel like it”, Sir just might be.  And i am not capital, but lower case.

And i love it!  i wouldn’t have it any other way.

Next time though – my breasts may take a beating, right along with my ass too.  Let’s hope i’ve learned my lesson and don’t “FEEL” particularly unsubmissive anytime too soon!
Hugs and Kisses ~

Marie

15 – “Pain is weakness leaving the body”

Written by Marie on . Posted in Uncategorized. 2 Comments on 15 – “Pain is weakness leaving the body”

Sir played in a golf tournament sponsored by the Marines this week.  He came home with a black shirt, in my size, (man’s style, but still…) and he handed it to me and said, “I figured you’d like this.  I got it for you.”

When i looked at the shirt, it had the quote that is the title of this post.  And it made me think about how true it is!  And how it “fits” the answer to “WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE IN A DD RELATIONSHIP?:

Seriously, that’s probably the #1 question i even asked of others when i learned about this.  “WHY” would you want someone else  – another adult – to have the ability to inflict intentional pain on you?

In fact, recently Sir asked me the same thing.  “How is it that you tell me it hurts and want the spanking to end… but when we aren’t ‘in the act’ you tell me how much you like it and want it and need it?  How is it that you want the pain but you don’t like the pain?”

Well, if even David is wondering….. why…. or how …. that i could want and need this… i thought maybe you might be thinking these same things too.  So now it an excellent time to address this.  i hope i do the subject and this blog justice in an attempt to explain it from a sub’s perspective.

When i saw the T-Shirt with this quote on it, i felt it truly defined my thoughts.  i don’t pretend to say i’m a Marine or feel the “Same” pain as them.  i admire and respect ALL military people!  i thank them for the service they have done.  i am myself a product of TWO (Army) parents.  (That’s another blog altogether).

But this quote has seriously spoke to my heart and i think it is the best way to start to explain my submissive nature and just WHY i think domestic discipline and spankings are the way for me/ us.

So let’s start breaking it down — > one-word-at-a-time.

PAIN.   Pain comes in many forms.  And i personally believe that we all feel “alive” with pain. 

Even when you cut yourself, say even a paper cut, and you start bleeding.  That feeling is “pain” but it causes you to be hyper-attentive to that very spot on your body.  And the thought that “how could this slight and small cut hurt THIS much?”  But it makes us feel ALIVE.  

When Sir spanks me, i feel ALIVE.  Yes, it hurts.  But i feel ALIVE.

IS.  Okay, so what can i say about one word?  Well, “IS” is a verb.  It is action.  It is in present tense even.  You have to be IN THE MOMENT.  

Anytime the word “IS” is used, someone is DOING something.  In this case, Sir IS inflicting pain.  

i love being in the moment, doing things together, and being connected…. To David….. To my husband…………………….  To my Sir.

WEAKNESS.  Weakness.  Defined as a “state of condition of lacking strength.”  The weakness, or lack of strength, in this case is with respect to the action that i look that lead to my position of needing discipline.  Maybe i broke the rules, maybe i did it on purpose, maybe i didn’t care about the consequences and did it anyway, but maybe it was just accidental or ‘in the moment’.  No matter WHY the weakness came out, it did.  It showed itself and it exists.  

And the only way to eliminate weakness is to get stronger.  “HOW” do we get stronger?  Well, i suppose it depends on what the weakness is.

LEAVING THE BODY.  Okay, so that’s three words.  i get it.  But these three words can easily go together.  When the pain gets out of the body, the body is left with strength.  Strength to do better, both physically and mentally.  

And in the case of domestic discipline, after a spanking, the pain is literally radiating from my ass with redness and tingling and sensitivity to the touch.

If a discipline is strong enough, the weakness will be eradicated and be replaced with strength.  Strength to do better in the future.  Strength to remember the consequences.  To CARE about the consequences.  To WANT to do better.  And to ultimately, succeed.

And…… i enjoy the process.

The process of being a better person, wife, mom, business woman, and …..submissive…. is worth the pain.  The pain forces the weakness to be gone.  To leave my body.

And what is left is strength and passion and focus on being a better person, wife, mom, business woman and submissive.

i don’t think i’ll ever ‘graduate’ to being able to NOT have earned spankings.  i think there will always be weaknesses that need to be forced out.  i think there will always be a need to reinforce the process of doing good and being the best submissive wife possible.

But i do enjoy the process!

But why spankings and doesn’t it hurt?  and so why submit?

The theory behind all of the above is SO addictive.  But the ACTUALITY of the pain being inflicted by Sir is NOT.  i do NOT look forward to spankings.  i do not cherish the pain.  i do not WANT the pain.

But – when i commit wrong, inappropriate, disrespectful or unacceptable actions, they deserve to be rectified and i deserve to receive the consequences thereof.

Before DD – Sir and i would just get in a fight and ultimately agree to disagree or even have a silent treatment toward one another.

But post DD – Sir has a way to eliminate this undesirable behavior.  And frankly, i don’t LIKE being disrespectful.  It is just rude.  And so now, we have a productive way to deal with that.

So yes, i submit my body and specifically my ass as a submissive way of showing that i deserve discipline and i want to have “PAIN AND THE WEAKNESS LEAVE MY BODY”

Final words:    Yes, it hurts.  Yes, it is pain.  NO, i do NOT look forward to it.

But i do enjoy the weakness leaving my body and i welcome Sir teaching me how best to treat him and his place in our house through productive means.

So THAT is why i think this quote is SO appropriate …….and why i welcome being a submissive to my David ……. and am welcoming of domestic discipline……offering up (literally, up in the air) of my naked ass and being subjected to PAIN through Spankings.

i welcome it all and i welcome the opportunity to feel PAIN LEAVING MY BODY.

Hugs and Kisses ~

Marie