159 – TMI Tuesday – Polyamory
TMI Tuesday does a weekly blog post prompt. i haven’t ever participated, but i read many other posts of people who do. i have no particular reason why i haven’t participated, but until now, i haven’t. So today is the day… on this SATURDAY, i will participate in the prompt for the week….
What is considered moral or immoral, accepted or prohibited is generally defined by the norms, values, and beliefs of society.
1. Agree or Disagree. If people want to have more than one spouse they should be allowed to do that.
Agree – i mean, why can’t we? Why is it NOT allowed? What harm is there in allowing people to sleep with (or be in a relationship with) whomever they want…. when it is consensual and openly discussed and openly and fully agreed to?!?
2. Do you believe in ethical non-monogamy?
Yes. My definition of “ethical non-monogamy” means that we have done it in a positive and open way. We haven’t been cheating or deceiving one another one bit. We all agree to be in a sexual relationship with more than one person, and we are all OK with it.
3. Is polyamory something you want?
Most days, yes. Some days, no. Most days, it is very well, good, and lovely. Some days, it just feels like “too much” mentally and physically…. but then, that’s pretty much true in life. Right? Some days it’s just too much!
4. Do you wish that your ethical non-monogamy was a societal/cultural norm?
i wouldn’t say it is “my” ethical non-monogamy, but aside from that and in keeping with the spirit of the question’s intent, Yes.
Again, why can’t we? What is the harm? Oh, i know there can be harm.. mentally. But it doesn’t have to be. And the key is the openness, communication, and agreement by ALL.
i think the “ethical” part comes in when we are open and completely communicate about it. Interesting enough, most Americans believe cheating is grounds for divorce, yet, swinging and open relationships is fun and exciting. So it just shows that COMMUNICATION is key. And when all are on board, it can be FUN and positive…. which ultimately leads to ethical non-monogamy.
5. If you are in or have been in an open sexual relationship, what are the best bits?
We are swingers, which by the definition for most, would qualify as non-monogamists. So, yes, i suppose it would qualify me to answer this question.
We treat swinging like a hobby. Something new, different, keeps things from being stale, gives us more to talk about, and a reason to get together with new and exciting people.
We meet and get to know a lot of people through this lifestyle. And because it is NOT a social norm, although becoming more widely accepted too, it comes with a built-in trust. You can trust swingers to keep your secret. You both have given the other a lot of useful gossip and/or damaging information about one another that if exposed, could cause damage to your reputation. And in some areas, cause job losses or financial disaster. So from the minute you meet a swinger, you already have a built-in trust!
So the best bits are …. fun, excitement, non-stale relationships, and trust.
Bonus: Describe what your ideal intimate and/or sexual relationship would look like today.
If it were entirely up to me and in my full purview (which it’s not!) to make the ideal intimate relationship happen, i would love to meet a couple (swingers), who we are ultimately committed to and us to them in a 4-way relationship. Some might say “married to.” Or maybe a better analogy would be “in a committed long-term, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.” We likely would still live in two homes, but not necessarily. Maybe we would move in together at some point, but maybe not.
We would be 4-way monogamous, meaning any of the 4 of us can have sex with any of the 4 of us but, upon agreeing to be committed to one another, we would only be sexual with the 4 of us. We wouldn’t invite others into our relationship to stay. Ultimately creating a situation where we would (essentially) be married to one another in a 4-way polygamous relationship.
Any of us can have sex with any of us at any (mutually-agreeable) time and without pre-approval from the legal spouse. We would also likely not “just” have 1-on-1 sex, but rather regularly have 3 or 4-somes, in any combination agreeable, also.
We may also agree to swing outside the 4-way marriage, but we likely would not. But that swinging would be for the express purpose of just sex and/or a “hobby” sport, not for seeking long-term relationships, since we have one another already.
What would be appealing to me here is not just the sex, but the commitment. The built-in friendships that grow and blossom. The dinner dates, the shopping buddy, the vacations together, the person who sends a text to say “hi, I’m thinking about you today!” All those things bring a smile to your face and joy in your heart.
And to the question above about “do i want a poly relationship” i responded with “most days.” Well, in my ideal relationship here, that answer would work and still applies. If i don’t want to go to the 4-way family dinner tonight, i don’t have to. If i am not feeling sexual tonight, i don’t have to do that either. But if the other 3 are… they can go to dinner and then have sex as much as they want. And then the next day, when i do feel in the mood for those things, maybe one (or two) also don’t feel like doing those things and the exact combination of who within our 4- would participate could be different yet. And of course, the days where we all want to do things together, we absolutely would! This would keep it very alive and well-good for all of us!
Let’s face it though, i am not in charge in my own traditional (with swinging as just a date) marriage, let alone having the sole ability to craft this 4-way relationship that i have just described above. It may one day naturally just fall into place, but somehow… i sincerely doubt it. And that’s ok! But if it did…. i would be SO happy and well…. oohhh laaa laaaaaa!
Anyone want to apply for the position? 🙂
Hugs,
Marie