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218 – Being naked is not being a nudist

Written by Marie on . Posted in Orgasm Control, Orgasm Denial, Submission, Submissive Wife. No Comments on 218 – Being naked is not being a nudist

Having no clothing on is such an exposed feeling. There’s nowhere to hide, all your skin flaws on display, and you have a choice of standing tall and being proud….. or cowering.

Lately i decided to revisit the being naked thing. i tried it once before but for a variety of reasons including, me getting too cold, our son, practicality, and my preference, it didn’t last too long. But in the past two weeks, i’ve been trying it again. And i am starting to really love it.

i choose to stand tall. (And not to cower.. or to cover!)

When i first started it, it was just to sleep. i have slowly extended that timing to include morning coffee wake up time. Last night being naked started earlier in the evening with time in the hot tub, and just continued through tv time and sleeping.

When i first started experimenting with it, i simply pretended i had clothes on. Even though i didn’t.

i can tell you Sir loved it. He loved seeing every bit of me at the blink of his eye. He held my boobs and squeezed my nipples, his favorite, frequently. He also slapped at my ass and felt me up to see how wet i was, or to make me wetter!

That was in the beginning of it. Now though, and like last night, it wasn’t even really (much) of a thing. He had clothes on, i did not, and we sat on the couch and watched tv as if it were very completely normal activities. Of which, it is now becoming normal.

And at some point along the way, it has became a mental relief for me. Being naked has become liberating. To be free and have nothing on suddenly became easy and my preferred go-to. i am now seeking out opportunities to be naked.

And then i put the clothes back on. The weekend comes to an end, our son materializes (let me tell you that Seniors in HS don’t materialize often!), the door bell rings, or some other reality event occurs…. and it’s time to go back to the world… with clothes on.

i will always wear my clothes proudly, when it’s required too though. And i’ll look for the first opportunity to shed them!

i now chose to sleep naked all the time too as clothes are absolutely not required to sleep in since our teen son never just materializes to climb in bed with Mommy and Daddy at all hours of the night anymore the way he used to when he was younger.

Now i look forward to the time i go to our room and am able to undress. It is wonderful to have your whole body touch the sheets freely and to not ever be tangled in cloth as you turn from side to side.

Nudists say it’s not sexual to be naked. And maybe in some settings that’s true, but it’s not true for me and Sir. i think when everyone is naked, say at a nudist resort or at a kink party, it might not be sexual. But all other times: it is. It is VERY Sexual!

While we all have the same parts as the next person of our same gender (okay, seriously there’s only TWO options… pick one and identify already! Just saying!), when it is all covered up it is easily ignored. But when it is exposed, our eyes dart straight to the previously forbidden sections and it is attractive! To our eyes, to our brain, and especially then our own private parts that come awake, it all becomes very sexual! At least until naked and exposed is the norm, in which case, no one cares.

When i am naked, i am the only one. Sir wears whatever he wants and that’s understandable, but i wear what i want and that i am finding he prefers…. which is nothing. And that’s understandable too.

To have your beautiful submissive wife strip off her clothes simply because you told her to, is indeed all very sexual.

Because we are still in NO-orgasm-VEMBER, he has been touching me just enough to get me to the very edge of orgasm. And then he stops. Of course, me being naked a lot makes this that much simpler too.

When we were in the hot tub earlier, he finger fucked me three different times. When i get near orgasm, i subconsciously bite my bottom lip. When i did it in the hot tub, he looked at me very sternly and said, “NO orgasm!” And he kept going.

It was NOT long and i looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Please Sir….” (with the rest being implied…”Can i cum?”). He again did not stop, but rather amped it up further by sticking a finger in my back hole along with another finger in my front hole and said, “Absolutely NOT! Do NOT orgasm!”

And when i then begged, “Please Sir may i cum? And if not, would you please stop?”

He responded with, “ok. I’ll stop. Because you asked.” And he laughed. i did not.

He repeated variations of this twice more. Where he finger fucked me until i begged him to stop.

i won’t lie, my ability to listen to his words (NO ORGASM!) and deny the release is becoming stronger than ever. Soon, or maybe already now, i will be to the place where i can cum (or NOT) on his command. i wonder if this is his goal or a side bonus that has come along the way!

i smiled at him and he laughed. i knew he was enjoying playing with me — both physically AND mentally —- and for that reason, i enjoyed it too. Although i can’t deny, i was seriously frustrated at my own sexual denial, i was very happy that he was happy.

Not long after, we got out of the tub and dried off. He dressed. i did not. And we watched tv, as casually as ever.

When it came time for bed, he said, “do you need to be locked up tonight?”

i responded, “if you think so, then yes.”

He said, “now that I’ve played with you to the edge and we are back home again, do you think you can control yourself tonight?”

i said, “yes.”

He said, “ok. Then let’s try it. But remember, you are NOT allowed to orgasm and because of that, it’s good if you just don’t touch it at all too.”

“Yes Sir.”

So no belt tonight. But still in chastity. Let’s face it, chastity doesn’t have to include a physical belt (although it makes it mentally easier when one does exist!)

And truthfully it is good. Both the belt AND being naked is good. i like both of them now. It makes my Sir happy and i am starting to see a change in my thoughts from “I MUST ORGASM” turning into “i must do things that make him smile.”

So if he’s happy, then i am too! i chose joy! i chose to stand tall, not to cower OR to cover (except when required for life or told to cover my puss with chastity!)

Here’s to being naked much of the time…. And being in a chastity belt a lot too… and to completing two full weeks of NO-orgasm-vember … while being happy!

[While in the hot tub, Sir said, “yah know, I rather like the way you are more attentive now when you aren’t orgasming all the time. I’m thinking another month may be good. Maybe waiting to give you an O until Christmas would be an excellent idea……”. And my response?? i said, “if you think it would be good, then i am on board with your decision.” And we both knew i meant it. A mere 14-days ago i would NOT have said it, let alone meant it! Time will tell. But i truly am getting to be OK with the journey, not just the destination!]

Hugs,

Marie

215 – My 50th Birthday Gifts

Written by Marie on . Posted in Chastity Belt, Forced Orgasm, Orgasm Control, Submission. No Comments on 215 – My 50th Birthday Gifts

My 50th birthday is on Thanksgiving this year. November 25. Next week. Fast approaching. In the month of NO-orgasm-VEMBER.

It’s unclear and Sir is still undecided if i will be allowed to orgasm on my birthday or not.

Last week we were talking about what gifts i would like to receive for my birthday. My immediate response was, “An explosive orgasm.”

To which he responded, “what else?”

i said, “a new purse please Sir.”

And he said, “A new purse it shall be.”

When i asked, “what about the orgasm?” his response was, “I’m undecided about that. I asked what gifts you’d like to receive, and your orgasm is definitely a gift I could give, but then again… what month still remains on the calendar?”

At first i wasn’t sure if that was a rhetorical question or not but something told me i was supposed to respond, so i said, “November Sir.”

And his only word in response was, “E-X-A-C-T-L-Y.”

And that was the end of that discussion.

That will be the last we will discuss that. i am certain. And that’s ok. The gift of orgasm is indeed his to give, and i will wait until it is allowed. While it has now been TWO WEEKS since my last O, i accept it isn’t up to me when the next one happens.

i won’t lie, because it’s officially still NO-orgasm-vember, i kinda do NOT want David to allow it. But on the flip side, it IS my birthday and i only turn 50 ONCE, so i really DO want it! (And did i already mention….it’s already been TWO-WHOLE-WEEKS since my last O. And i don’t remember the last time i went this long……. Like ever! And still almost another week…. Geez!)

If you think about it, your sexual pleasure and happiness truly IS a gift from your partner, and isn’t something you should feel entitled to. Always. In all sexual relationships, including vanilla ones.

But of course in most relationships, if you don’t get it from your partner, you seek it elsewhere…. By your own masturbating hand OR another partner OR both., because you feel entitled to it.

Admittedly, sometimes i can be the same way. But most of the time, i do indeed see it as a GIFT. (And after more than two weeks, it will be a BIG gift when i get to feel that pleasure again!)

What would YOU do if you were my Sir? Would you allow me to orgasm on my 50th or no??!!?

i thought of what i think is the perfect compromise…. (And i already told Sir about this, to which he laughed.. cuz he knows me THAT well!)

i suggested he make me wear Glory. And he makes me suck him hard. After which, he uses my ass hole to his pleasure. (There’s a big hole through the belt that allows him/me/anyone all access to that hole).

i suggested he fuck me hard and fast with that back hole, while i am on all 4’s. Neither of us touch my clit or pussy as it would be all locked up nice and tight!

But….

If i can orgasm without being touched AND while being locked in chastity then i can do so. Otherwise, no!

As i said before… he laughed. He knows i’d orgasm. Easily. Especially now when i am SO much in heat and need it!

He then said, “nice try!”

He then said, “by the time I allow you to orgasm, you could likely cum on my command without touching you anywhere at all!”

He THEN added, “you do realize we didn’t start this No-orgasm-vember on the first? You do realize I could chose to extend this into December in order to get the full 30-days I feel I am entitled to receive?” (There’s that word “entitled” again! But in this case, i think he IS entitled to use the word and to feel the emotion. i willingly submit to him, making things like my O fall under his purview!)

All this makes me think NO, i will NOT be orgasming on Thanksgiving…… aka, my 50th birthday!

And maybe not for awhile into December too!

So i’ll ask it again… if YOU held the gift of my orgasm in the palm of your hand, would you give it to me on:

A) Nov 25, my 50th birthday

B) Nov30, end of No-vember

C) Dec 6th, officially 30-days from the last O, OR

D) some other date at your discretion, to keep me guessing

???

Hugs,

Marie

214 – My DISCIPLINED LIFE is not just about sex

Written by Marie on . Posted in Deep Thoughts, Submission. No Comments on 214 – My DISCIPLINED LIFE is not just about sex

**Fair warning… full of deep thoughts and i got extra wordy today. Hope you stick to the end, but if you don’t, i get it! 😉

As of late, i have written a lot more about sex than discipline. While allowing sex to happen in any moment that pleases my husband is being submissive too, my “disciplined life” isn’t just about that either.

(** but in times of my intentional orgasm denial, i tend to think, walk, and talk S-E-X… so it’s easy to talk about A LOT!). Plus, domination and submission is sexy too. So there’s that!…. ANYWAY…..)

Our relationship does have rules, just not a formal contract, that include more than “just sex stuff” and all rules apply all the time. No matter where we are, what we do, who is with us…. The rules apply.

That may sound harsh, but i like it. It is consistent. We both know what to expect. i won’t say the rules are always applied correctly, or that we don’t change them, or that sometimes the rules need to be bent for certain situations because, well….they do. i should add that not just the rules are bent, but the consequences are sometimes also as well. While having “always applied” and “consistent practiced” being the ideal, it’s not practical. Unfortunately we have “life” that occurs causing rules and consequences to be bent.

The most obvious of reasons why the rules change (or get bent or transgressions more quickly forgiven without any real consequences) is illness. When either one of us do not feel well, it’s hard to do anything at all, let alone be dominant or submissive.

And sometimes we just “don’t feel like it” too. The most obvious time we don’t “feel” up to following the rules or enforcing the consequences is STRESS (and-or deadlines), especially stemming from work.

When we don’t feel like it, we have problems though. “Houston….. we have a problem” or multiple problems even!

Usually the problems start with ignoring the rules. When we say “it doesn’t apply” in this situation or for this reason or let’s take a break tonight or or or….. it amounts to excuses.

And like all things in life, we need to adhere to certain rules whether we “feel” like it or not. For example… can you imagine ignoring trash day because you don’t feel like it? Or how about ignoring the electric bill because you were “too busy” to get it paid?

We live by rules in our everyday life for a reason: to keep order.

And when they are not followed: chaos ensues.

So what are my rules? Really the answer to this question is also, in part, why we don’t have a contract. My rules are fairly general and generic. Things like, “Always show respect” and “Never talk back” and “say Sir when speaking to David”. And of course, i recently spoke about them in-depth recently and you can read all about it if you’d like.

Most of the times, my rules are easy but sometimes being so generic, it gets misunderstood or misinterpreted and that lands me in hot water. Most of the time though, the trouble i land is is me trying to use the vagueness to my advantage when i don’t “feel” like following the rules. That’s when i say, “oh. i didn’t realize you wanted ME to do that.” Or “i didn’t hear you Sir.” When i did. i knew. And i heard just fine. But I ignored him. On purpose.

And he knew it too.

Now he knows i lied too.

But he can’t prove it either.

And we both know.

THIS is where a good Dominant will enforce the rules anyway. Maybe a warning or a small punishment would be good. The first time. But not over and over.

So does David have rules too you ask? Well…. To lead our family, including me. He is to be fair and reasonable. Not change the rules on a whim. And enforce the rules for me when needed, whether he “feels” like it or not. Of course like me, sometimes he doesn’t “feel” like it.

When rules are enforced, we both know it has nothing to do with feelings or emotions. There’s a black and white situation at hand. There was a rule. It was broken. Consequences ensue. Consequences are enforced.

Period.

The end.

Feelings are not even relevant. He shouldn’t ever feel guilty about giving a spanking, making me stand in a Corner, or do whatever it is that is appropriate for the situation. Nor should i become emotional, try to twist the situation, or try to get out of the punishment. i earned it, i deserve it, and when it is administered we will both forgive, reset, and move on. (**Notice i did NOT say “forget”? Because neither of us should forget. If the transgressions are forgotten, then the rule is likely to be broken again and again causing unnecessary strife for all!)

i suppose really, how we both act or respond during punishment time is somewhat of a rule also. While i may not want it, or he may not want to give it, it is what it is at that moment. Like trash day… take it out and be done. Don’t overthink it, don’t try to change it, or make someone feel guilty, ashamed, or otherwise emotional about it. Similarly, David should just do it, and i should just accept it.

While it would stand to reason that most of the time, a punishment should be immediate, sometimes it’s not.

The three most obvious reasons that come to mind for not administering punishment immediately are:

1) being in a public place at the time, and

2) around our son and

3) when David is mad.

Taking those one at a time….

PUBLIC PLACES: i would say i tend to act up most while in public. i think the little devious side of me creeps in and says, “there’s nothing he can do about it right now.” So i say/do whatever i want, knowing nothing is going to happen. At least, not then or there. (**Read: brat submissive!)

Not then or there….But there’s no reason why it shouldn’t happen later or in a private place. And to that point, sometimes David doesn’t “feel” like it later or we are tired or we forget….. which gets me out of it. i think in some ways, i am counting on him to not feel like it later. Or maybe i am testing him too. Maybe not in an intentional, well-thought-out or appropriate way, and definitely not an appropriate one either.

A Dominant should always be true to his word. If he says, “you’ll be punished for doing xyz”, then you should be. Even if it happens later. But again, we (as humans, including my Dominant Sir) don’t always feel like it.

Let’s face it, we are not young kids or animals. We don’t have to have the punishment be swift or immediate. Because it’s not like i will forget that quickly why i am being punished later! And if i were to actually forget, it’s not hard to be reminded and think back to it when the punishment is administered too.

2) AROUND KIDS: Kids of any age are likely to think Mom is being beaten and abused if they were to hear Mom being spanked by Dad!

Spanking is NOT a quiet activity. Not only my yelps or tears, but David asking why are we here and talking to me too….. but ESPECIALLY noisy is the paddle itself when it collides with my ass cheeks. It makes a “smack” sound that is not quiet at all. (**there’s a reason why i write “S-M-A-C-K” when i describe my spankings in other posts!).

And while Domestic Discipline is in our marriage and a part of who we are, it’s not easily understood by ADULTS even. i know many of you don’t understand this is consensual, band while i can assure you: it IS!!; HOW would i ever be able to explain that to a child?

When i say child, i don’t just mean small ones. Our 17-year old, Senior in HS is still a child. He does not know about our DD household. (**no, he truly doesn’t!). Many people think and have even told me in emails, “he’s not stupid. He knows!” but i most definitely know he does not. i know this because we do not do any activities, including spanking, ANY time he is in the house. David has always spanked me when our son is away. The only thing our son has ever heard is me saying, “Sir” to David but here in the south, that’s reasonably the norm and our son doesn’t think much of it. (i even received a recent group email with several colleagues and clients were on the email, where one of the people replied all to a previous man’s statement with, “Yes Sir.”. My point is, even in the workplace, hearing someone say those words is not very uncommon.)

3) David is Mad. David has NEVER hit me, intentionally or otherwise, when he was mad. This is how i know he loves me unconditionally. No matter what caused his anger towards me, he has NEVER laid a hand on me until after his anger subsides.

And yet, when the anger subsides, those are the times when i KNOW i WILL be punished for it. The consequences or punishments are ALWAYS dolled out for these times. Without fail. But ALWAYS when he has calmed down.

David says he doesn’t trust himself when he gets angry to not beat me, to not go too far, to not just lash out with all he has. So because he’s still in control, of himself and our household, even when he is his most angry self, he refrains from dishing out all that i deserve.

And that’s how it should be!

That’s the difference between wife-beating and wife-discipline. That’s the difference between consent and non-consent. That’s why i know i can and do trust him to spank me when i most need it, but to never go too far either. And that’s why it’s consensual.

So… MY DISCIPLINED LIFE is about more than sex. It’s about rules. Every day, all the time…. But sometimes not always followed or enforced, even if it should be because… well… that’s life. But we try to do our best and move on from there.

Hugs,

Marie

211 – The Honor System

Written by Marie on . Posted in Chastity Belt, Orgasm Control, Submission. No Comments on 211 – The Honor System

i am well aware that you are probably getting tired of hearing about me and my chastity belt. But, it’s a very real source of my frustration right now and it’s the ONLY thing i seem to focus on, which means it’s the only thing i want to talk about too!

So bear with me…. i actually have a few other posts almost ready to publish, as i frequently start them whenever inspiration hits. Of course, until it’s done, i don’t hit “publish” for you to see. And right now, i’m not able to concentrate long enough on any of them to actually finish those for you to see. So… you are seeing “Me and My BFF Chastity” now instead.

Because i am SO close to my belt now .. physically and mentally … i have actually been trying to think of a good name for her. i mean, saying, “my chastity belt” is a mouth full and seems rather disconnected. i think i should adopt a more personal acceptance with her and become better friends with her. She does have my best interest at heart: staying out of trouble with Sir!

To date, no good names have come to mind. Suggestions?

As i was nearing bedtime, i asked Sir if i could go soak in a warm bath. i ALWAYS have to ask for this luxury. That’s been a rule for a long time now because as i lay flat, naked, relaxing in the water, i lose all will power. ALWAYS have and probably ALWAYS will!

i lie there floating and stare down at my sex. i watch as the water rises up between my legs and touches my pussy, to eventually rise up further and top over my boobs.

i lie there playing games with myself and the water. As the tub is filling, i move up and down to see if i can make the water touch my clit sooner than it already will as the added movement of the water creates a natural stimulation there and i watch as my clit swells.

Then my tits get cold, waiting for the water to rise enough to warm them, so i tickle my nipples until they protrude, generating more natural blood flow there too.

This is when i tell myself to STOP touching. And i usually do, but not always. Once as i was NOT stopping, Sir walked in on me where he moved with such stealth that i didn’t hear him. So i didn’t stop even in his presence. And THAT is why i have to ask permission to soak in the tub every-single-time now.

While it wasn’t specifically said then, but we both know it is true, Sir now doesn’t trust me to take baths without his knowledge and he usually decides to randomly walk in when I am in the tub to “check” on me. Granted, i could probably rub out an Orgasm in between his visits, but a ruined one would be worse than not even trying, and he mixes it up just enough that i can never be sure. So i am kept in check.

Soooooo that’s the back story that you needed for me to tell you about today’s events……..

i had sore muscles and i wanted to relax my mind too while soaking in an epsom salt bath before heading to bed. So i asked permission and it was granted. This time, as i stared down the length of my body as the water covered it, i was filled with emotions. It was RIGHT there! I COULD TOUCH IT IF I WANTED TO. BUT i didn’t! i was a good girl! I was happy to be strong in mind… and frustrated all the same!

In an attempt to NOT tempt myself anymore than i could stand, i got out and dried off sooner than usual. But the towel between my legs felt SO soft. As it dragged across my clit, i was keenly aware of how it felt THERE and decided to rub it extra dry… for just a second. Literally a second. Because i realized any more and i’d not stop there either!

i was SO proud of myself! Self control for the win! This was a GOOD night!

And i got into bed. i was reading as David came in where i had the covers to my waist covering my lower half and exposing only the top half. He squeezed my nipple and kissed me. THAT was TOO much. i lowered the covers and exposed myself to him. (i didn’t touch….)

He asked me, “what are you doing?”

“Allowing you access Sir.”

“Why? Where is the chastity? You KNOW nothing is going to happen. Nothing happened in the tub that you need to make me aware of right now, did it??” is what he asked as his fingers set down on my clit and started to move.

i didn’t even have a chance to respond when he stuck a finger deep inside my puss as his thumb continued rubbing my clit. OMG ….. the stars were aligned, i arched my back, and was ready to ask permission to cum (another rule)…. All just THAT fast!

i was on THE EDGE.

And Sir knew it. He saw the tell tale signs. He stopped.

His finger immediately pulled out. He slapped down once on my clit hard enough to make its point clear! Bringing me back to my reality in such immediacy that i continued to see stars, but they weren’t the bright and brilliant kind that i wanted and liked!

That’s when he said, “you know, had you not opened your legs I never would’ve known. I was going to let you be on the Honor System tonight and whether you had on chastity or not, I was going to trust you to do the right thing. But now, I don’t think that’s a good thing at all. Needy girls need to be kept from their own self destructive ways. Now go put on the belt. And bring me the key.”

And that’s how the Third Night with my new BFF, ever-so-close-to me started with my Needs-A-Better-Name chastity belt.

As i locked Glory tight into her place, (Ohhh i like the name Glory. Maybe that’s her name now! That just came to me. What do you think? Make a better suggestion?)….. i then walked to David where he laid in our bed with his palm up waiting for the key to be placed there.

And i climbed into my side of the bed and prepared myself for another long night with Glory. She’s comfortable and not a problem to sleep in, physically. Mentally… another thing altogether!

And i drifted off to sleep with Glory snuggly locked up against my skin and protecting my sex.

In the middle of the night, i woke up, unable to get back to sleep. i thought about Glory (name is starting to ring a bell and stick!) and reached down to feel her against me. i felt just how close she was, how tight, how i can’t escape if i even wanted to, at least not without the key.

My hand ran the length of her between my legs. And i felt aroused. REALLY aroused. And my mind played tricks on me…. i heard myself thinking, “you could probably get a finger or two inside the edge and to your clit. You COULD do this!”

And i tried. Hard. i became intent on this! i WANTED this! And if i was going to work THIS hard to get past my guardian angel Glory, i deserved this! But… i could stop. Anytime i wanted to. And i would. (Right??)

My clit was swelling. i felt it pressing against the metal. i felt it desirous of my touch.

i suddenly became VERY intent on casting aside my BFF and going for the touch. i would stop anytime i needed to. i wouldn’t actually get an O. i just needed to get past Glory and to touch her enough to get a little second of happiness.

But.

Glory is a stronger BFF than even i knew. With a sucked in stomach and (basically) holding my breath, i found i could press a single finger between her steel and my body. But with a swollen clit, Glory was hanging on to my clit tighter than i would’ve thought.

My finger became caught in the folds of my puss and the steel, and then i had to take a breath expanding my stomach. That made Glory pinch my finger. To the point, i pulled it out. And stopped. In complete frustration.

I NEVER DID TOUCH MY CLIT. AT ALL!

i could chose to hate Glory for being on Sir’s side. Or i could chose to thank her for keeping me honest. i chose thankfulness. (It is the month to be THANKFUL.. even in the month of NO-vember!)

So now i still don’t have a clear idea of how long me and Glory will be BFF’s at night… but what i am sure of is, if she wasn’t my BFF before, i am POSITIVE she is now.

And David will NOT trust me to be on the HONOR SYSTEM again.

Here’s to a long and THANKFUL month of me and Glory.

Hugs,

Marie

201 – Who’s in Control Anyway?

Written by Marie on . Posted in Marriage, Submission. No Comments on 201 – Who’s in Control Anyway?

Does a submissive give up control? Does a Dom take control? Is the submissive still in control? Does a Dom really have control over anything at all?

These are a few questions i find myself thinking about this morning.

Ultimately i don’t think the CONTROL belongs to anyone… except of course, to yourself. Meaning, i need to control me and he needs to control him. Controlling the other should not a prize to be won or an award to be given, nor is it the ultimate goal.

David is quite stressed out right now. And i am not. This is the scenario that gets me into the most trouble because i have more time to be thinking about how to be the best submissive i can be. You might think that’s a good thing, and frequently it can be. Until it’s not.

When i think too much about being the best submissive, i tend to (basically) become obsessed with it which means i look to David for direction in my quest for “more”. Which is a recipe for disaster really, because it’s then that when i do not receive the feedback (attention!) i am seeking that i do not respond with my best-submissive-self. So it is self destructive behaviors and leads to problems. In addition, when i am in this mood if seeking this feedback (reassurances) i become needy. Needy of a strong dominant. And i can see why he thinks i am wanting him to “control” me.

Of course, remember, i already said he’s been stressed out. Work has been hectic for him and due to circumstances beyond his control (ie other’s procrastination!) he finds himself up against deadlines that are quite possibly too tight to meet., but he has to try.

So instead of being the best-submissive …. Who leaves my Sir alone and tries to make myself less of a burden to him….. i don’t. When i become obsessed with being the best of the best, i become needy to seek out the reassurances and direction from him that i am doing good.

Reassurances that he has ZERO time for.

So yesterday i got onto his very last nerve and i heard him say, “I don’t have time to control you! If that’s what you need, go find another Dom!”

Now … don’t misunderstand…. he wasn’t telling me he wanted to get divorced, or to go away, or to be unfaithful, or anything permanent.

He was genuinely meaning, “TODAY I don’t have time, I am stressed out, and if you really want or need reassurances then (maybe) find the second Dom that we’ve been talking about. Because today it is just too much for me, and a second Dom could prove useful right now for both of us.”

So knowing his intentions behind the second sentence were not bad, and actually could be a good thing/helpful was ultimately fine for me. But the first sentence is what bothered me…….

“I don’t have time to control you!”

What went through my head were thoughts like this….

– Does he really think i want him to control me??

– Doesn’t he see that all he has to do is control himself and i will follow?

– He doesn’t control my decision to follow, nor will he ever, so don’t i ultimately have the control?

– How can i follow someone who is just busy trying to figure out how to control me? Isn’t that circular referencing?

Well…. The time to get answers to ANY of those questions was NOT yesterday in that moment. (Likely not today either!). Had i continued on, it would have lead to an argument, at best. i could also tell that while the best thing for me having stirred up the pot so much would have been to have received a discipline of some sort, it was NOT going to go down that way….

Had i received the discipline i so clearly deserved, it would have been: a) feeding into my sub-frenzy, b) distracting for David, who desperately needed to focus on the work he is doing, c) been more of ME in control (aka: Topping from the Bottom) and i don’t control him anymore than he controls me! Yet, i sure was trying to “control” him right into disciplining me!

Had i been in control, which obviously i am not, i would’ve made me go stand in the corner until further notice. It would’ve given me (as David) the opportunity to get the work done without being bugged by me (his sub). It also would’ve given me (the sub) the ability to reflect on how much i was NOT being a sub when i was busy causing unnecessary distractions.

Then when I (as David) took a break, because eventually I would, I would’ve told me (as Submissive) to assume the position. And I (as David) would’ve delivered a spanking that went something like this…..

“You will count and thank me for every single swat of this paddle. I had NO time for your shenanigans today, so I am taking a break to teach you a lesson while also relieving my stress on your ass. Do NOT EVER push me to this place again when you KNOW I am stressed to meet this work deadline.”

Smack! (oh wow. This hurt from the very second he started!)

“One Sir. Thank you Sir.”

“Trying to push me into dominating you at a time that is convenient for you isn’t how a good sub should be. Stop Topping from the Bottom!”

Smack! “Two Sir. Thank you Sir.”

“Telling me how to dominate isn’t being submissive at all. I will not tolerate you trying to act like you are ‘letting me know how needy’ you are. That is completely unnecessary.”

Smack! “Three Sir. Thank you Sir.”

And it would’ve continued from there until i (as sub) was seemingly acting sufficiently remorseful.

But that’s not how it went. And in the end, it probably went better than my version. What actually happened was i apologized for my behavior, for trying to push David into something he didn’t want to be bothered with, and we (more or less) went about our separate business for the day.

i tried very hard to be “ok” with what felt to me like i was being ignored and to not even let on to him what all was really going on in my head. i think it – mostly – worked.

i say that it worked because we didn’t get into a fight, i didn’t get my way, and David was able to get done a lot of what was needed. No, he’s not met the (likely impossible!) deadline, but he was able to get done as much as he could without distractions too.

In the end, i don’t want him to control me…. i need to control me. And i need to be reminded (by him and/or myself) not to try to control him and let him control him. When we each just control ourselves, especially within the framework of our DD relationship, it works.

i don’t know if i will be punished or not… not sure it matters… in some ways by not getting my way, i learned my lesson. i just hope it sticks.

Hugs,

Marie