Sometimes rules must be tailored to be a good fit for our relationship. Sometimes the fit is just perfect, but needs to be refreshed.
Saying “Sir” is one of those things for us! It is absolutely something that fits, but it is in need of refreshment.
Yet, somehow, over the years i have not always said it, nor has David always expected it. Or maybe he has always expected it, but never enforced it. i’m not entirely sure which.
Let me go back a minute and remind you (and myself) why i say Sir at all anyway…..
When i decided to look up the word’s definition, i found this:
Do you see the first sentence there? Used as a “respectful way of addressing a man, especially one in a position of authority.”
Sir is a term used a fair bit in the bdsm and d/s lifestyles and is used to refer to one’s dominant. The term is used to reference the power exchange, or imbalance as some would say, and it is there as well to denote a level of respect.
David is absolutely in a position of authority in my life. And he has every bit of power in our relationship. As well, i have said before there are times where i need to have a physical or tangible reminder of my submission (and his dominance). When i speak the word “Sir” it is a verbal word that also serves as a reminder for myself. So it seems that the word SIR is applicable in every way!
Me saying Sir has not been a new thing for us either. Saying Sir has been a thing for a longggggg time now. It was one of the first things we negotiated and one of the first things i ever wrote about.
Unfortunately though, when something isn’t spoken aloud (or enforced), it’s hard to know if the other even cares about it. And if it doesn’t seem important, pretty soon the habit is dropped. And pretty soon after that, it becomes a non-event altogether. i’d say this is true of anything in life really.
Anytime something isn’t practiced, it’s forgotten, which is pretty much the source of the phrase “use it or lose it.” You could pretty much say i lost it…. The muscle memory to say “Sir” has not been too much of a thing for us as of late.
Oh i have said it. Just not frequently. i have said it when i felt like it, but i wouldn’t say it was altogether frequently either. i have used it more like a treat or an extra special event. He hasn’t brought attention to its use or rather i should say lack of it’s use is more like it!
But that is changing now. The last couple of days, he has absolutely let me know in a passive-aggressive way but meant to make an impression all the same too, that saying SIR is something i should be doing far more than ithat have been.
Like today, he asked me a question and i just said, “no”. To which he said, “No….. what?!” and of course i knew he wanted the “Sir” and i spoke it aloud immediately.
And yesterday after i thanked him for helping me with something, he said, “want to say that properly?”
So i said, “thank you Sir.”
While he hasn’t exactly said that what i say (without Sir) was wrong, through that passive-aggressive way he’s now used, i know he thinks it is an incomplete response too.
The opposite has been true though too. When i get it right (and use the word Sir), he has made no comment about it, doesn’t praise it, or otherwise really make mention of it.
i think that’s because it is expected. Like anything expected, it doesn’t give rise to an occasion worthy of mention. For example, taking a shower or getting dressed or going to work or cooking dinner. Those are all normal activities. Those activities aren’t things that are specifically talked about or praised. Can you imagine saying, “oh good girl! You went to work today!” ? Uhm… no.
Using the same thought process, Sir has not said anything like, “oh wonderful Marie, you used the word Sir.” it just hasn’t been talked about.
Unfortunately i mistakenly assumed his lack of discussion about it as indication that it did not matter to him. Of course, his lack of punishment for NOT using it seemed to also give indication that he didn’t care about its use either. But again, i mistakenly assumed he did not care.
Today though, when he corrected me, i decided to ask about it. i told him much of what I have said here. i specifically said that i didn’t think he cared (anymore) about it as he hadn’t said anything about it until (of course) the most recent days.
To which he responded with one sentence, “The next time I have to correct you, your butt will feel it.”
“Yes SIR. Understood SIR.”
So while it may have been along time ago now that he first told me to use it, the applicability is still very much appropriate!
And because I never took exception to it in the first place, but rather simply grew lazy about it, i will use it frequently again as i have NO desire to feel the cane anytime too soon… or even later!
Of course, easier said than done. As even this first day has moved onward, David asked me to help in the kitchen and i said, “ok” and forgot the word S-I-R. i am fairly sure he didn’t hear me respond though, so i was “safe” for now. But i really have to stay in the moment for awhile and be intentional about this… at least until it becomes a regular thing again and the muscle memory is committed to memory again!