**Fair warning… full of deep thoughts and i got extra wordy today. Hope you stick to the end, but if you don’t, i get it! 😉
As of late, i have written a lot more about sex than discipline. While allowing sex to happen in any moment that pleases my husband is being submissive too, my “disciplined life” isn’t just about that either.
(** but in times of my intentional orgasm denial, i tend to think, walk, and talk S-E-X… so it’s easy to talk about A LOT!). Plus, domination and submission is sexy too. So there’s that!…. ANYWAY…..)
Our relationship does have rules, just not a formal contract, that include more than “just sex stuff” and all rules apply all the time. No matter where we are, what we do, who is with us…. The rules apply.
That may sound harsh, but i like it. It is consistent. We both know what to expect. i won’t say the rules are always applied correctly, or that we don’t change them, or that sometimes the rules need to be bent for certain situations because, well….they do. i should add that not just the rules are bent, but the consequences are sometimes also as well. While having “always applied” and “consistent practiced” being the ideal, it’s not practical. Unfortunately we have “life” that occurs causing rules and consequences to be bent.
The most obvious of reasons why the rules change (or get bent or transgressions more quickly forgiven without any real consequences) is illness. When either one of us do not feel well, it’s hard to do anything at all, let alone be dominant or submissive.
And sometimes we just “don’t feel like it” too. The most obvious time we don’t “feel” up to following the rules or enforcing the consequences is STRESS (and-or deadlines), especially stemming from work.
When we don’t feel like it, we have problems though. “Houston….. we have a problem” or multiple problems even!
Usually the problems start with ignoring the rules. When we say “it doesn’t apply” in this situation or for this reason or let’s take a break tonight or or or….. it amounts to excuses.
And like all things in life, we need to adhere to certain rules whether we “feel” like it or not. For example… can you imagine ignoring trash day because you don’t feel like it? Or how about ignoring the electric bill because you were “too busy” to get it paid?
We live by rules in our everyday life for a reason: to keep order.
And when they are not followed: chaos ensues.
So what are my rules? Really the answer to this question is also, in part, why we don’t have a contract. My rules are fairly general and generic. Things like, “Always show respect” and “Never talk back” and “say Sir when speaking to David”. And of course, i recently spoke about them in-depth recently and you can read all about it if you’d like.
Most of the times, my rules are easy but sometimes being so generic, it gets misunderstood or misinterpreted and that lands me in hot water. Most of the time though, the trouble i land is is me trying to use the vagueness to my advantage when i don’t “feel” like following the rules. That’s when i say, “oh. i didn’t realize you wanted ME to do that.” Or “i didn’t hear you Sir.” When i did. i knew. And i heard just fine. But I ignored him. On purpose.
And he knew it too.
Now he knows i lied too.
But he can’t prove it either.
And we both know.
THIS is where a good Dominant will enforce the rules anyway. Maybe a warning or a small punishment would be good. The first time. But not over and over.
So does David have rules too you ask? Well…. To lead our family, including me. He is to be fair and reasonable. Not change the rules on a whim. And enforce the rules for me when needed, whether he “feels” like it or not. Of course like me, sometimes he doesn’t “feel” like it.
When rules are enforced, we both know it has nothing to do with feelings or emotions. There’s a black and white situation at hand. There was a rule. It was broken. Consequences ensue. Consequences are enforced.
Feelings are not even relevant. He shouldn’t ever feel guilty about giving a spanking, making me stand in a Corner, or do whatever it is that is appropriate for the situation. Nor should i become emotional, try to twist the situation, or try to get out of the punishment. i earned it, i deserve it, and when it is administered we will both forgive, reset, and move on. (**Notice i did NOT say “forget”? Because neither of us should forget. If the transgressions are forgotten, then the rule is likely to be broken again and again causing unnecessary strife for all!)
i suppose really, how we both act or respond during punishment time is somewhat of a rule also. While i may not want it, or he may not want to give it, it is what it is at that moment. Like trash day… take it out and be done. Don’t overthink it, don’t try to change it, or make someone feel guilty, ashamed, or otherwise emotional about it. Similarly, David should just do it, and i should just accept it.
While it would stand to reason that most of the time, a punishment should be immediate, sometimes it’s not.
The three most obvious reasons that come to mind for not administering punishment immediately are:
1) being in a public place at the time, and
2) around our son and
3) when David is mad.
Taking those one at a time….
PUBLIC PLACES: i would say i tend to act up most while in public. i think the little devious side of me creeps in and says, “there’s nothing he can do about it right now.” So i say/do whatever i want, knowing nothing is going to happen. At least, not then or there. (**Read: brat submissive!)
Not then or there….But there’s no reason why it shouldn’t happen later or in a private place. And to that point, sometimes David doesn’t “feel” like it later or we are tired or we forget….. which gets me out of it. i think in some ways, i am counting on him to not feel like it later. Or maybe i am testing him too. Maybe not in an intentional, well-thought-out or appropriate way, and definitely not an appropriate one either.
A Dominant should always be true to his word. If he says, “you’ll be punished for doing xyz”, then you should be. Even if it happens later. But again, we (as humans, including my Dominant Sir) don’t always feel like it.
Let’s face it, we are not young kids or animals. We don’t have to have the punishment be swift or immediate. Because it’s not like i will forget that quickly why i am being punished later! And if i were to actually forget, it’s not hard to be reminded and think back to it when the punishment is administered too.
2) AROUND KIDS: Kids of any age are likely to think Mom is being beaten and abused if they were to hear Mom being spanked by Dad!
Spanking is NOT a quiet activity. Not only my yelps or tears, but David asking why are we here and talking to me too….. but ESPECIALLY noisy is the paddle itself when it collides with my ass cheeks. It makes a “smack” sound that is not quiet at all. (**there’s a reason why i write “S-M-A-C-K” when i describe my spankings in other posts!).
And while Domestic Discipline is in our marriage and a part of who we are, it’s not easily understood by ADULTS even. i know many of you don’t understand this is consensual, band while i can assure you: it IS!!; HOW would i ever be able to explain that to a child?
When i say child, i don’t just mean small ones. Our 17-year old, Senior in HS is still a child. He does not know about our DD household. (**no, he truly doesn’t!). Many people think and have even told me in emails, “he’s not stupid. He knows!” but i most definitely know he does not. i know this because we do not do any activities, including spanking, ANY time he is in the house. David has always spanked me when our son is away. The only thing our son has ever heard is me saying, “Sir” to David but here in the south, that’s reasonably the norm and our son doesn’t think much of it. (i even received a recent group email with several colleagues and clients were on the email, where one of the people replied all to a previous man’s statement with, “Yes Sir.”. My point is, even in the workplace, hearing someone say those words is not very uncommon.)
3) David is Mad. David has NEVER hit me, intentionally or otherwise, when he was mad. This is how i know he loves me unconditionally. No matter what caused his anger towards me, he has NEVER laid a hand on me until after his anger subsides.
And yet, when the anger subsides, those are the times when i KNOW i WILL be punished for it. The consequences or punishments are ALWAYS dolled out for these times. Without fail. But ALWAYS when he has calmed down.
David says he doesn’t trust himself when he gets angry to not beat me, to not go too far, to not just lash out with all he has. So because he’s still in control, of himself and our household, even when he is his most angry self, he refrains from dishing out all that i deserve.
And that’s how it should be!
That’s the difference between wife-beating and wife-discipline. That’s the difference between consent and non-consent. That’s why i know i can and do trust him to spank me when i most need it, but to never go too far either. And that’s why it’s consensual.
So… MY DISCIPLINED LIFE is about more than sex. It’s about rules. Every day, all the time…. But sometimes not always followed or enforced, even if it should be because… well… that’s life. But we try to do our best and move on from there.