201 – Who’s in Control Anyway?

Does a submissive give up control? Does a Dom take control? Is the submissive still in control? Does a Dom really have control over anything at all?

These are a few questions i find myself thinking about this morning.

Ultimately i don’t think the CONTROL belongs to anyone… except of course, to yourself. Meaning, i need to control me and he needs to control him. Controlling the other should not a prize to be won or an award to be given, nor is it the ultimate goal.

David is quite stressed out right now. And i am not. This is the scenario that gets me into the most trouble because i have more time to be thinking about how to be the best submissive i can be. You might think that’s a good thing, and frequently it can be. Until it’s not.

When i think too much about being the best submissive, i tend to (basically) become obsessed with it which means i look to David for direction in my quest for “more”. Which is a recipe for disaster really, because it’s then that when i do not receive the feedback (attention!) i am seeking that i do not respond with my best-submissive-self. So it is self destructive behaviors and leads to problems. In addition, when i am in this mood if seeking this feedback (reassurances) i become needy. Needy of a strong dominant. And i can see why he thinks i am wanting him to “control” me.

Of course, remember, i already said he’s been stressed out. Work has been hectic for him and due to circumstances beyond his control (ie other’s procrastination!) he finds himself up against deadlines that are quite possibly too tight to meet., but he has to try.

So instead of being the best-submissive …. Who leaves my Sir alone and tries to make myself less of a burden to him….. i don’t. When i become obsessed with being the best of the best, i become needy to seek out the reassurances and direction from him that i am doing good.

Reassurances that he has ZERO time for.

So yesterday i got onto his very last nerve and i heard him say, “I don’t have time to control you! If that’s what you need, go find another Dom!”

Now … don’t misunderstand…. he wasn’t telling me he wanted to get divorced, or to go away, or to be unfaithful, or anything permanent.

He was genuinely meaning, “TODAY I don’t have time, I am stressed out, and if you really want or need reassurances then (maybe) find the second Dom that we’ve been talking about. Because today it is just too much for me, and a second Dom could prove useful right now for both of us.”

So knowing his intentions behind the second sentence were not bad, and actually could be a good thing/helpful was ultimately fine for me. But the first sentence is what bothered me…….

“I don’t have time to control you!”

What went through my head were thoughts like this….

– Does he really think i want him to control me??

– Doesn’t he see that all he has to do is control himself and i will follow?

– He doesn’t control my decision to follow, nor will he ever, so don’t i ultimately have the control?

– How can i follow someone who is just busy trying to figure out how to control me? Isn’t that circular referencing?

Well…. The time to get answers to ANY of those questions was NOT yesterday in that moment. (Likely not today either!). Had i continued on, it would have lead to an argument, at best. i could also tell that while the best thing for me having stirred up the pot so much would have been to have received a discipline of some sort, it was NOT going to go down that way….

Had i received the discipline i so clearly deserved, it would have been: a) feeding into my sub-frenzy, b) distracting for David, who desperately needed to focus on the work he is doing, c) been more of ME in control (aka: Topping from the Bottom) and i don’t control him anymore than he controls me! Yet, i sure was trying to “control” him right into disciplining me!

Had i been in control, which obviously i am not, i would’ve made me go stand in the corner until further notice. It would’ve given me (as David) the opportunity to get the work done without being bugged by me (his sub). It also would’ve given me (the sub) the ability to reflect on how much i was NOT being a sub when i was busy causing unnecessary distractions.

Then when I (as David) took a break, because eventually I would, I would’ve told me (as Submissive) to assume the position. And I (as David) would’ve delivered a spanking that went something like this…..

“You will count and thank me for every single swat of this paddle. I had NO time for your shenanigans today, so I am taking a break to teach you a lesson while also relieving my stress on your ass. Do NOT EVER push me to this place again when you KNOW I am stressed to meet this work deadline.”

Smack! (oh wow. This hurt from the very second he started!)

“One Sir. Thank you Sir.”

“Trying to push me into dominating you at a time that is convenient for you isn’t how a good sub should be. Stop Topping from the Bottom!”

Smack! “Two Sir. Thank you Sir.”

“Telling me how to dominate isn’t being submissive at all. I will not tolerate you trying to act like you are ‘letting me know how needy’ you are. That is completely unnecessary.”

Smack! “Three Sir. Thank you Sir.”

And it would’ve continued from there until i (as sub) was seemingly acting sufficiently remorseful.

But that’s not how it went. And in the end, it probably went better than my version. What actually happened was i apologized for my behavior, for trying to push David into something he didn’t want to be bothered with, and we (more or less) went about our separate business for the day.

i tried very hard to be “ok” with what felt to me like i was being ignored and to not even let on to him what all was really going on in my head. i think it – mostly – worked.

i say that it worked because we didn’t get into a fight, i didn’t get my way, and David was able to get done a lot of what was needed. No, he’s not met the (likely impossible!) deadline, but he was able to get done as much as he could without distractions too.

In the end, i don’t want him to control me…. i need to control me. And i need to be reminded (by him and/or myself) not to try to control him and let him control him. When we each just control ourselves, especially within the framework of our DD relationship, it works.

i don’t know if i will be punished or not… not sure it matters… in some ways by not getting my way, i learned my lesson. i just hope it sticks.




  1. Dave should not have said “I don’t have time to control you. If you need that find another.”

    But doms make mistakes. I know I do. So that is OK.

    And it is perfectly OK for a sub to make a mistake too.

    A sub would feel more comfortable if her dom called her on her mistake and required a spanking. It would make a sub very uncomfortable to even ask a dom to be responsible for his mistake. Moses writes about this male/female dynamic. Moses’ instructions are amazing. I learned 90% of what I know directly from his 150 thousand words.

    In a perfect world, if a sub went to a police officer and said my husband spanked me. The officer would say “well what did you do? Do you need another?” THAT is NOT what would happen today. And that is sad.

    When a sub willingly, eagerly accepts abject submission, her dom can trigger in her the euphoria that women normally feel only after hours and hours of agonizing natural childbirth pain.

    Our gracious Creator has granted women a gift that He did not allow men. He grants women the privilege of experiencing that same euphoria after only a few minutes of her dom’s spanking. If he does it correctly, that is.

    A dom should behave as if he is in complete control of everything, at all times, even if he knows he isn’t. This is a comfort for his subs. A good dom does not withhold the euphoria that he can invoke in his subs. As Moses says.
    “He shall not withhold his duty of marriage.” Yes in context that is exactly what Moses is talking about. You might think I am kidding you but read “He smote me, he wounded me; I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, if ye find my beloved, that ye tell him, that I am filled to overflowing with love.”

  2. I can relate to these feelings. I think it is really hard when your needs are not met but sometimes, as you point out, life gets in the way. I guess I see part of my submission to meet his needs and focus on that so if he isn’t able to give me the Dominance I try to keep submitting anyway. This only lasts so long though as the whole thing is a circle and unless you are both able to meet the needs of the other it falls away a bit. I guess what you do then is the question. In a lifestyle dynamic I think there will always be times of ‘less’ and ‘more’. We have found a way to keep the ‘bread and butter’ D/s going so that it doesn’t feel that there is nothing and this lets us keep going until things pick up. We have found that over time things that challenge his control – health, work, family, worldwide pandemics etc – are what makes it hard so we find work arounds. I noticed a change after a year of D/s and then another big change after 2. I think it settles itself but shifts in terms of its shape and the way it feels. Not sure if that makes sense or not. Also sorry I have missed so much. For some reason I seemed to have been unfollowed so wasn’t seeing your posts pop up in the reader. Missy x

    • I always value your perspective, so thank you. I’ve had issues with my site being online/offline, so it’s possible I lost you in the process but good to have you back too! Marie

  3. This is my first time reading your blog and I love that you take the time to share your experiences. I truly felt this post. We’re getting out of a rough patch right now ourselves. My husband is working with a case right now that is extremely stressful for both of us. My mind hasn’t been settled and I’ve acted out so much for attention. My husband actually punished me by not punishing me if that makes sense. He basically said I’m not going to spank you until I’m ready to because I want to give you time to really think about how you’ve been acting and honestly I’ve never been so remorseful before. I’m looking forward to making amends, moving on, and getting that clean slate/ back on track feeling you get after a deserved spanking.

    • Mrs. Mae – I love your comment here. I have also NOT been disciplined at the time, similar to what you are experiencing now. I do understand where you are. I hope you’ll come back and continue to comment. Hugs, Marie

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