Does a submissive give up control? Does a Dom take control? Is the submissive still in control? Does a Dom really have control over anything at all?
These are a few questions i find myself thinking about this morning.
Ultimately i don’t think the CONTROL belongs to anyone… except of course, to yourself. Meaning, i need to control me and he needs to control him. Controlling the other should not a prize to be won or an award to be given, nor is it the ultimate goal.
David is quite stressed out right now. And i am not. This is the scenario that gets me into the most trouble because i have more time to be thinking about how to be the best submissive i can be. You might think that’s a good thing, and frequently it can be. Until it’s not.
When i think too much about being the best submissive, i tend to (basically) become obsessed with it which means i look to David for direction in my quest for “more”. Which is a recipe for disaster really, because it’s then that when i do not receive the feedback (attention!) i am seeking that i do not respond with my best-submissive-self. So it is self destructive behaviors and leads to problems. In addition, when i am in this mood if seeking this feedback (reassurances) i become needy. Needy of a strong dominant. And i can see why he thinks i am wanting him to “control” me.
Of course, remember, i already said he’s been stressed out. Work has been hectic for him and due to circumstances beyond his control (ie other’s procrastination!) he finds himself up against deadlines that are quite possibly too tight to meet., but he has to try.
So instead of being the best-submissive …. Who leaves my Sir alone and tries to make myself less of a burden to him….. i don’t. When i become obsessed with being the best of the best, i become needy to seek out the reassurances and direction from him that i am doing good.
Reassurances that he has ZERO time for.
So yesterday i got onto his very last nerve and i heard him say, “I don’t have time to control you! If that’s what you need, go find another Dom!”
Now … don’t misunderstand…. he wasn’t telling me he wanted to get divorced, or to go away, or to be unfaithful, or anything permanent.
He was genuinely meaning, “TODAY I don’t have time, I am stressed out, and if you really want or need reassurances then (maybe) find the second Dom that we’ve been talking about. Because today it is just too much for me, and a second Dom could prove useful right now for both of us.”
So knowing his intentions behind the second sentence were not bad, and actually could be a good thing/helpful was ultimately fine for me. But the first sentence is what bothered me…….
“I don’t have time to control you!”
What went through my head were thoughts like this….
– Does he really think i want him to control me??
– Doesn’t he see that all he has to do is control himself and i will follow?
– He doesn’t control my decision to follow, nor will he ever, so don’t i ultimately have the control?
– How can i follow someone who is just busy trying to figure out how to control me? Isn’t that circular referencing?
Well…. The time to get answers to ANY of those questions was NOT yesterday in that moment. (Likely not today either!). Had i continued on, it would have lead to an argument, at best. i could also tell that while the best thing for me having stirred up the pot so much would have been to have received a discipline of some sort, it was NOT going to go down that way….
Had i received the discipline i so clearly deserved, it would have been: a) feeding into my sub-frenzy, b) distracting for David, who desperately needed to focus on the work he is doing, c) been more of ME in control (aka: Topping from the Bottom) and i don’t control him anymore than he controls me! Yet, i sure was trying to “control” him right into disciplining me!
Had i been in control, which obviously i am not, i would’ve made me go stand in the corner until further notice. It would’ve given me (as David) the opportunity to get the work done without being bugged by me (his sub). It also would’ve given me (the sub) the ability to reflect on how much i was NOT being a sub when i was busy causing unnecessary distractions.
Then when I (as David) took a break, because eventually I would, I would’ve told me (as Submissive) to assume the position. And I (as David) would’ve delivered a spanking that went something like this…..
“You will count and thank me for every single swat of this paddle. I had NO time for your shenanigans today, so I am taking a break to teach you a lesson while also relieving my stress on your ass. Do NOT EVER push me to this place again when you KNOW I am stressed to meet this work deadline.”
Smack! (oh wow. This hurt from the very second he started!)
“One Sir. Thank you Sir.”
“Trying to push me into dominating you at a time that is convenient for you isn’t how a good sub should be. Stop Topping from the Bottom!”
Smack! “Two Sir. Thank you Sir.”
“Telling me how to dominate isn’t being submissive at all. I will not tolerate you trying to act like you are ‘letting me know how needy’ you are. That is completely unnecessary.”
Smack! “Three Sir. Thank you Sir.”
And it would’ve continued from there until i (as sub) was seemingly acting sufficiently remorseful.
But that’s not how it went. And in the end, it probably went better than my version. What actually happened was i apologized for my behavior, for trying to push David into something he didn’t want to be bothered with, and we (more or less) went about our separate business for the day.
i tried very hard to be “ok” with what felt to me like i was being ignored and to not even let on to him what all was really going on in my head. i think it – mostly – worked.
i say that it worked because we didn’t get into a fight, i didn’t get my way, and David was able to get done a lot of what was needed. No, he’s not met the (likely impossible!) deadline, but he was able to get done as much as he could without distractions too.
In the end, i don’t want him to control me…. i need to control me. And i need to be reminded (by him and/or myself) not to try to control him and let him control him. When we each just control ourselves, especially within the framework of our DD relationship, it works.
i don’t know if i will be punished or not… not sure it matters… in some ways by not getting my way, i learned my lesson. i just hope it sticks.