i follow many other bloggers and read their posts (just about) daily. One such blogger is SubMissy. She has an amazing site and she writes so very well, which is very inspiring. She also does blog post prompts to which i am going to now participate in….
CURRENT PROMPT IS……
This month is all about giving. All good relationships are based on give and take, so how does giving work in your dynamic? Or why not focus on what you have done this season to make giving a priority? How does giving work with your headspace and where does giving and receiving fit for you?
So here’s my post about GIVING.
We have all heard ……IT IS BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE …. and i wholeheartedly disagree.
Yep, i am writing about GIVING and yet, i disagree with one of the most well-known phrases about it. The reason why i disagree is, in my opinion, really rather basic.
IF WE ALL BUSY GIVING, THEN WHO IS RECEIVING? In order to allow someone to give, someone else has to (graciously and kindly) receive it.
i would prefer the phrase to instead to be something like, “GIVING AND RECEIVING IS PERFECTLY DONE WHEN IT IS A PERFECTLY COMPLETE CIRCLE.”
All to often, when we give to people, you hear the other one saying things back to you that sound like:
1) “oh thank you, but I can’t possibly accept this.” or
2) “You shouldn’t have” or
3) “But I didn’t get you anything” or
4) “I feel like your charity case”
i could go on, but i think these are prime examples of things that i have heard and probably even said at some point in my lifetime.
The trouble with all these is that if i want to give you something…. i need you to accept it. With grace and thankfulness, not some awkward and strange reluctance or even flat out refusal (#1 above).
i love to give. But it takes an open and accepting and gracious person to receive those gifts in return to have us both feel good about it.
i give to people out of love. i often think, “i have more than i need, and their need is greater than mine at this time, so i want to give this to them.”
And frequently i have heard, “I’m not a charity case.” (#4 above) said back to me. It becomes awkward then. i typically say something like, “i didn’t mean to insult you” or “it’s just my way of helping.” And once i even said, “it’s better to give than to receive.” She said, “oh so now you are giving to me so you can feel better about yourself?” Uhmmmmmm. No.
Now neither the giver nor the receiver is feeling good about it, and honestly, quite the opposite has occurred! The negativity has now overtaken the entire situation. What started as something good, has turned sour in a hurry. All because there was a receiving heart to accept the gift that was freely given.
In my marriage though, we have a healthy give-receive relationship. i think most people think that a D/s relationship is all about the submissive giving of herself physically, mentally, financially, and the Dominant would be receiving of it all. While that’s substantially true, it works in reverse too. Sometimes i think most people wouldn’t really think about our Dominant as the giver also, but they are. And for him to give to me, i have to receive it with grace and thanks in order to complete the circle.
So i kind of want to turn this prompt inside out and talk about how my Sir gives to me and my responses to him. At least that’s where i start, but i end up with me giving too! You’ll see. 😉
My husband cooks and i clean. i NEVER COOK. And we are both quite happy with this arrangement. Neither of us really ever expects the other to do what we aren’t good at and we are grateful for the skills and gifts we have to offer the other.
But cooking isn’t the only gift he regularly gives me. Yes, he gives me spankings. Regularly. If you read my blog, it is chopped full of stories of punishment spankings and maintenance spankings in order to maintain our dynamic. Domestic Discipline (DD) is alive and well in our relationship. By intention design.
In other posts, i have also said numerous times, “i do not like to be spanked.” And it is true. But i accept it, in part because i see it as a gift from David.
He has taken his time and physical energy, to spank me. It is (one of) his gifts of love to me, along with his amazing chef-like skills too. He does it (a spanking) with love in his heart and the ultimate goal of guiding me in the way we want our marriage to go. To keep us on track and to keep doing good.
He cares about our marriage and me enough to give me spankings.
But how can he give me spankings if i don’t accept it with grace and thankfulness? It wouldn’t work at all. Can you imagine me saying, “oh you really shouldn’t have. I can’t accept this.” Or better, “But I didn’t get you one.” ??
Giving simply doesn’t work without someone else receiving. And preferably receiving with a grateful and thankful heart. So i receive with a thankful heart.
When we are done with the spanking, every time he stands me upright and hugs and kisses on me. And he tells me how much he loves me. He gives me hugs and kisses at the end of giving me a spanking.
He has never made me thank him, but i typically do. i want him to know that while this was a physical gift that i may not have wanted, i know he does it because he does indeed love me. And i agreed long ago to accept it openly and lovingly. So i thank him in order to give him reassurance that this gift he’s given is accepted with a loving heart in return.
*** Did you see what i just did there? i said, “i thank him in order to GIVE Him reassurance” about his gift to me. So in the mere act of receiving, the giving has now been turned back inside-right by me giving him something too.
He doesn’t seek my thanks, but he receives it with grace and pride too. It creates in him a feeling of pride and appreciation when i give him reassurances of my willingness to accept the gift he’s given me.
So ultimately a grateful receiving heart ends up turning into a gracious giving heart, creating a full and complete and perfect circle of giving!
Okay, yes, he also gives me physical/tangible/ real gifts. And i do my very best to thank him for all of them, as he does in reverse. And of course, this works in the perfect circle too.
One of the gifts i gave him for Christmas was a set of canes. We have never owned any canes so this will be a new experience for us both. We have talked about it, but neither of us has gifted the other with a cane, until now.
He finds these gifts oddly strange of me to give. He asks me, “Why would you give me a gift of something that will bring about the very thing (a spanking) that you tell me you don’t want to have?”
My answer is simple, “Because you love me enough to guide me and i accept these spankings as a reminder of who we are together. We grow together in our DD relationship with reinforcement of what we know works.”
And it’s true.
That’s when he gave me a devilish looking grin and said, “I can’t wait for Friday’s Maintenance now!”
While he is physically giving me a spanking, i am mentally giving him my submissive heart, mind, and soul.
A spanking with a paddle stings. It is maybe best described like a bee sting or a needle prick. It hurts, but on,y for a split second and it leaves behind a heat that is felt for awhile thereafter. And that’s just one swat, which a spanking never is. As the swats continue, the sting builds as well as the heat it generates to.
From the very start, i have to tell myself to relax and accept this gift he is giving. i mentally pray before we start as i wait for him to come into the room and that prayer typically shows something like, “Lord help me to accept this spanking with grace and understanding that it ultimately comes from his guidance of me, through your guidance of him. Please Lord give him the confidence and strength to lead our family and me especially in the ways you want us to go.”
At some point during a spanking endorphins release and i actually do start to accept with a thankful heart each swat he delivers. It starts to feel good. My mind relaxes and it brings me into the best receiving heart and mind possible. My thoughts move from, “But i didn’t get you anything” to “Please never stop giving me your all!”
GIVING AND RECEIVING IS PERFECT ONLY WHEN IT IS A PERFECTLY COMPLETE CIRCLE
So maybe you can see that while maybe the giving part is the start of the circle, it also requires a receiving part. And by receding the gift, you are simultaneously giving your thanks. And that original giving person is also receiving your praise and graciousness. The circle is complete.
No one is ever JUST giving or receiving. It has to be a complete and perfect circle for it all to work. You have to give AND receive… always.
If you are guilty of saying these things that I mentioned above…. STOP. Instead, say something like:
1) “oh wow, I’m so grateful for your kindness.” or
2) “This is so amazing.” or just a simple…
3) “THANK YOU!” Is always perfect too.
And genuinely mean it, from a truly receiving heart!
(Oh and final thoughts on this day…… as we say goodbye to 2020, this year was a gift….. yes, this year has been incredibly hard but it is a gift to be alive, to have friends to miss, to be thankful for the times we can and eventually will be back together, and an opportunity to have a receiving heart for better times ahead with enormous thankfulness!)