147 – How to Start Domestic Disciple

i get asked quite a bit…….

“how do you recommend we should start?”

i will answer as best i can, by telling you about our personal start. i think we probably started differently than most others have.

Ultimately though, no matter how you end up going about starting, in the words of Nike, “Just do it!”

Don’t over analyze the best or right okay to do it. Just like a race, when the gun goes off – you have to start running. But of course, most people have trained and prepared before they got to the starting line too.

So… on your marks…. Get set…….. and GO! !

Ok, fine… maybe you want (need!) more information than that. i’ll give it to you, but just know… in the end: START!

And with that…….

When i read about how others have started, many talk about how they started with the rules. Negotiated them out and drew up a contract. The contract lists out all the rules to be followed, the types of punishment to be given for infractions, and even the length of time the current contract is to be in effect. This is definitely one way to do it. And i can absolutely see the benefits. However, we didn’t do this. We have been doing Domestic Discipline (DD) now for 2-years and we have never had a contract.

The reason we have never had a contract has nothing to do with the legitimacy or beliefs of it though. We didn’t do it because we didn’t know what to set out as the rules we would use at the start of this.

If you know what you want the rules to be, then i happen to think a contract is absolutely the best way to start. Because that makes the commitment to do DD, the expectations and consequences, and the time frame all very legitimate and clearly stated.

Taking those concepts one at a time, i want to spend a minute endorsing a contract. Again, i think the key here is knowing what you want the rules to be though, and i’ll tell you about our way after this too and what we did when we didn’t know what rules to put in place.

To begin though, why is a contract even a good thing? Well, it is communication between you. Written at that. Just like a business contract, if it’s in writing, you can refer back to it, look for clarity, and like my sister says, “if it’s not in writing, it didn’t happen.” But when it IS in writing, it DID happen. So when you write out a contract and sign, all the parties are committed and agreeing to the arrangement, and knowledgeable about the expectations (and consequences) for success (and failure) to abide by the contract that is set in place.

Stop for a second and i want to add, a contract – whether written or verbal – even helps the Dom. He knows what he expects of her… and he knows that she knows too! And if she doesn’t follow the rules, there is clearly a transgression that must be dealt with. And you, the Dom, didn’t commit the wrong but you are charged with carrying out the correction. You don’t need to feel guilty, give second chances, or think anything more than, “there was a wrong, and I will set it back to right.” So written or oral, rules are good for both sides!

The rules though, in writing, gives the submissive something to look at and see. They don’t get to change on a whim for either of the Head of House (HoH) or his submissive. So no disagreements should arise from unexpected rules put in place or noncompliance of these non stated rules. But the time frame or length of the contract, i would say is even more important, especially when you first start.

The time frame says from this day to this day, this is how we will live. And i think this would likely be the best part of having a contract. There was one particular day that i got so mad that i decided we weren’t doing DD anymore, and screamed, refused the discipline, and walked off. We were in a massive fight and went into The Cold War (of sorts anyway) regarding DD, until the silence was finally broken and we reimplemented it. Had i had a time frame that, at least to start, i would know “this DD lifestyle will end, unless renegotiated and reinstated, on xx/xx date,” i might would’ve not acted the way i did. And instead, tried to be the best submissive possible for the duration, to truly KNOW if this is what i wanted (and needed). people seem to make this be 3- or 6-month increments. This is long enough to commit to this lifestyle, determine if it works, have time to find of these rules are the right ones….. and yet, not so long that if someone wants to change the rules or punishments, or even quit, that there is a time to do it. When the contract nears expiration, you sit down and renegotiate the terms and sign for another term. Especially when you start with DD, this can be especially helpful to know the end date, so you commit to the duration, but if you truly just hate it, it has an end date. But now you can say, “I tried” and truly know you did indeed do just that.

Since we have never had a contract, i have gleaned all that after reading other DD blogs and googling. You can also get ideas and examples of contracts this way too.

But again, that’s not how we did it. The primary reasons we never implemented a contract is because at the very start, i had NO idea what rules to implement! Or which would be good or bad, too much or too little, or ones we both would like or not.

So in my traditional fashion and lifestyle in general, i jumped in with both feet and said, “Let’s just do this!” ……. (ready, set, GO!).

The first thing that i did was to buy a wooden paddle from Amazon, the same one we still use. When it arrived, i said to David, “Let’s start here. Let’s start now.”

i proceeded to immediately go to the bedroom, got naked, and laid on the bed to wait for him. He came in soon after with the paddle and gave me the first ever spanking. It was a very weak paddling. We both knew it. But he had never done this and i had never felt it, so we eased into it from the start. At the time, i was disappointed. But looking back now, i happen to think this was the best way. It gave him an idea of what force to use to get what result. He quickly learned that at THAT level, not much happens. So he now had the base line to work u from there. And so did i.

While i was disappointed, it (the spanking) definitely still stung. But i had wanted and hoped it would H-U-R-T. i wanted to feel his strength, know he was in control, to not be able to sit for a week, to be made to submit, etc. (THAT is a sub frenzy mentality…. and i’m half done with a post on it , so that will be next post up!).

Even though i was disappointed, it already gave me the full taste of what it meant to be submissive. But actually more in the mental sense than the physical sense. Oh, i did know even that day that he had the ability to apply a firm(er) hand and it would most definitely hurt if he were to have gone further, i already knew then that He was in control, not me. He decided how much was enough, not me. He was to be respected and be the one with the “power,” and i was to yield to it. That single first spanking spoke more to my mind than my rear.

And that was how we then started developing, slowly/ one by one, the rules we wanted to implement. As we set them in place, we didn’t ever write them down or make a contract. By the time we got to the place where we knew what we would write down or have in that contract, the contract wasn’t really necessary.

The first rules we set in place were really very simple…… and went like this:

1) When disrespect is shown, punishment will ensue. Respect involves…… (this one is hard because it’s really a matter of opinion) speaking kindly and positively.

As another sign of respect, eventually we added that i am to call him Sir. While i kinda, sometimes said this already, he wanted it to be way more frequently than i was doing.

(In Tx where we live, Sir and Ma’am are used fairly regularly in daily life as a sign of respect. It isn’t just reserved for Dom/sub situations. For example, i say it to employees and clients at work, from a sign of respect. It is most often used when being told to do something. Like if a client says, “I need your firm to help me with xyz.” i might would respond with, “Yes Sir, we can do that.” It is typically on,y used upward in a chain of command, so that the person saying it recognizes the person it is being said to is the one in control and with authority. So i wouldn’t probably ever say it to my son, unless it was to be sarcastic and in a tone that would imply the “who is in control here anyway??” To which, my son would likely recognize that and say something of an apologetic nature and to yield authority back to me. For example, my son might say, “you need to buy me new pencils for school.” And i would resound, “OK, yes Sir!” And he would say, “I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry.”. Point is, Sir is an outward expression of respect and David wanted me to show and say it more frequently than i was.)

2) The very first rule though that i fully endorse is instituting safe words. If a submissive doesn’t have these, real damage – mentally or physically – can be done accidently or on purpose by the Dom. This is needed especially when being punished. The purpose is to be able to have a way to have things/the situation STOP if you are NOT consenting you it. You don’t need a reason to stop. Inserting, but you need a way to do it. This is it!

Most people employ a red light system. David assumes i am Green, all good to go, unless i call out another color. He knows that while i may not be happy about the situation i am in (and the pain i am feeling from being spanked), he also knows that mentally i am ok and accepting. And still consenting!

If, however, i call out “yellow,” it means i am feeling like we need to slow down. But i am still accepting. And lastly, if i call “Red,” whether stated or screamed, i need him to stop immediately. And he would. And every (good) Dom should and would also!

But every submissive should know this is to be used sparingly also! It is not to be overused, or used when not needed. NEVER cry-wolf …. ever. Remember: You have already agreed to this dynamic and you did do something to land you in this place….. but you are NOT allowing him to abuse you either.

This system allows me to control the ultimate outcome. It gives me piece of mind to know that if i ever feel as if i am in trouble, being abused… or just DON’T CONSENT ANYMORE, i have a way out. Which is why EVERY Dom should stop immediately if they hear “Red”. Or whatever safe word you chose.

i have only ever called out yellow once and never red. And it was a time that David was striving to get me there already anyway. So the first spanking established the low end of the range and this one that i called yellow was when he wanted to know what was my high.

From there, over time, we added things as we went along. We still to this day refine the rules often. If you know what you want them to be upfront, even if it is say for 3-months at a time, then by all means write out a contract. But for us, we were experimenting, exploring, and well…. novice. So we made it up as we went along.

Ultimately though, i would tell you to get started you need to do the following:

1) talk about it and agree to it…. written OR verbally. In order to get a general idea of what is expected of one another, and the consequences thereof.

2) decide if you want to make it up at the start or as you go along. This is kinda important because if the sub thinks she knows all the rules and the Dom throws a new one on her, it may not go well unless she already knew this may happen.

3) maybe consider a “practice spanking,” which is what i call our first one now. You don’t have to have a paddle… a hair brush, a wooden spoon, or a belt are all easy at-home-already implements to consider, but a hand works very well also!

And get started! As i said before………

Ready….Set…. GO!

Let me know your thoughts:

If you are a novice, did this help?

If you are experienced, would you add or subtract anything? If so, what?




  1. I love your post and it much needed–“How to Start Domestic Disciple”
    We had a list of rules and we had contract too. We modified a on line (one sided) contract of Dr Dorothy Spencer- I could post here if desired.
    For us code words drop off soon.
    We did review the rules and contract for additions or subtractions, at least once a year.
    One thing to note– at the time a spanking was earned – it was going to be given- at the time for a hard spanking, no one wants it. I could cooperate or not but I was getting spanked either way. And if, I didn’t cooperate, I was soon going to get another spanking for not cooperating.

    The biggest problem or the question I get a lot- ‘How do I get my husband to give me an effective spanking”
    It seem like some husbands, never understand our needs!
    I love your words, “While i was disappointed, it (the spanking) definitely still stung. But i had wanted and hoped it would H-U-R-T. i wanted to feel his strength, know he was in control, to not be able to sit for a week, to be made to submit, ” So many women are disappointed and stay disappointed because they want it “TO HURT”, “TO HAVE A GOOD CRY” “TO BE UNABLE TO SIT DOWN” WE WANT TO BE LOVED. I wonder if we have the need be loved my our husband’s, as much as our Daddy loved us at 6 years old. If Daddy spanked us, we never questioned Daddy’s love for us.

  2. I have a list of rules I need to follow, mostly pertaining to maintaining order in the household, maintaining my modesty and a joyful countenance.Those were written up at the start of our decision to start DD. But there is one rule that both James and I follow more than any other and that’s the rule of consent. We both agree to be in a DD relationship only because we both consent to it! That is the number one rule within our relationship!

  3. Great post, Marie! I believe a contract is definitely something that evolves over time, especially if both parties are new to D/s or DD. It’s hard to know what your limits are or what you really want from a dynamic until you are actually living it. You made some excellent points about what a contract does for both the Dom and the submissive…nicely done😘

  4. Spending this cold morning reading back on blogs…

    The best piece of advice I got when we started this was, ” allow him to make the rules because those are the ones he’ll follow most’. Of course initially I didn’t. LOL. I wanted to be part of the process and rush to the good stuff which Dd marriages are made of.

    B had reached out within the first month to a friend of mine discussing my behaviour and telling him, ” Willie isn’t disrespectful”. His response was, ” Maybe she isn’t, or maybe you are just so used to it you accept it as the norm”. Ouch…but true? I remember having many discussions with B at the end of the day or the next day- training him if you will to my line of thinking as far as disrespect went. I would confess ( with no expectation of consequences) to how I was disrespectful to him during the previous day. It became an eye opener for him.

    *Another part to that is, show them who you CAN be so that they can recognize when you’re not*

    Eventually the rules we discussed together we trimmed down and he decided on ones he saw fit- some of the other ones came into play later as well as multiple other ones. But that dear reader who told me to allow him to make the rules was right. I see frustration so often with rules that the sub wants and the Dom is inconsistent on. It is disappointing that s/he doesn’t have the same view on certain things perhaps, but in the long run the wait is worth it.

    The other thing which is was very prevalent when I started blogging was the advice to not compare yourself to others. Easier said than done, but I like the quote, ” Don’t compare your page one to their chapter 10″. Dd is more a Choose Your Own Adventure Book anyway.

    The last bit of ‘advice’ I’d give? Don’t expect change overnight. As a sub you have to learn to give up control, but we tend to ‘dump’ it on our newly instilled Dominant and say ‘here, run with it…change us’. You as a sub or Dom depending, have had plenty of time in private to discover who you are (to a degree) and what you need, your partner may be discovering a new part of themselves, but in their case under your watchful eye. It is an entirely different process. Becoming an active Dom is work and it can be terrifying as well, even if they like it. It is a lot of responsibility and as horrible as it sounds is a great burden at times to take on. Don’t take it personally if your partner doesn’t take it like a duck takes to water. B went through the motions for a couple of years before he started to actually think about what this meant to him- beyond how it affected our marriage. That is when our real challenges began.

    Oh one last thing…LMAO…IT’s work! Hard work! And if you aren’t willing to reflect on how and why you reacted to something the way you did, and how to improve on it REGARDLESS of your partner’s actions, this will fail. Being in a Dd relationship is not about your Dom fixing you. They are a supporting cast member, as are you to them.

    Thanks for the opportunity. It is always a good reminder to go back to thinking about the start of something.


  5. Hi Marie.

    Great post 🙂 And I can totally feel your disappointment after soft spanking. At the beginning, my the biggest struggle was being spanked to soft. The reason why I wanted a DD in our marriage was getting a severe punishements as my motivation to change myself, improve my life and fight with my weaknesses. Getting too soft spanking doesn’t cause those things, is just painful at some point, nothing more. Spanking in DD should cause TiH’s changes in behaviour and thinking. Of course everybody has a different point where punishment works, and the severity of spanking should be correlated with that point. And I think, every TiH wants to find that “point” and acquire it while spanking. Otherwise spanking might be pointless and very disappointing for TiH and HoH.
    Thankfully my husband quite fast have learnt where is my “point” and he is doing a great job while he spanks me. While last two years with DD I made bigger progress with my goals than during 12 years of my adult life without DD.

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