143 – Intentional Dependence

The last post ended with me posing this question, also from a reader who emailed me…….

Why would i want to be dependent on my husband and how does he take on this responsibility of being in charge without effectively having to become my parent?

This is a great question. It happens to be two questions wrapped into one. i think the first part (why would i want to be [that] dependent on my husband) is about me, but the second part (Responsibility….Without him having to become my parent) is about him.

The first part…. about ME.

(i like talking about ME! But don’t think i am that arrogant. It’s mostly because i know who i am. Whereas when i talk about others, i have to speculate about their intentions or thoughts. So it’s just easier to talk about me!)

Dependent upon my husband….. i happen to think every good marriage should be this way! D/s or not!

If you don’t depend on one another, you won’t meld and bond. Like how a welder makes two things become one. The bond is stronger after he/she welds them together. And while they can exist separately, they typically become stronger when melded together too.

My nephew took a welding class in high school as an elective. When they had a project, the pass/fail test was to drop the “thing” on the floor. If it broke apart, it didn’t result in a good grade. If it stayed together, it was a passing grade. And how well it stayed together, fully or partially, determined how good the grade ultimately was.

Isn’t a marriage that way? If it falls and breaks, it seems bound for failure. But if it falls, and holds together, that’s a sign of success! The key though isn’t to focus on the falling part, but the bond that holds it together in the first place. The stronger the bond…. the more likely the two will succeed in staying together…… and in a marriage too.

So from a submissive standpoint, i’d actually say being dependent upon my husband is critical and vice versa too.

Now that’s the result of being dependent… a stronger bond. But the welding part…. how does that happen exactly for a marriage? Well, in my experience, it is becoming dependent on my Sir. i want to be dependent on him, and for him to know and appreciate it too! i accept that in a submissive role that means he’s in charge and makes (most) of the decisions, while giving up my right to those decisions and rights.

It does NOT mean though that i am some robot and my remote control is in his hands. i still (very much!) think on my own! It just means i gain approval and authority for “big stuff” (or anything we previously agreed would be in his purview) before moving forward.

For example, i know that David loves to cook and he loves me to be home by 6 for dinner. If i want to go out to happy hour/dinner with friends, i have to ask first. But it’s not like he will (probably) say no. In fact, he will likely say yes! So i mostly ask out of courtesy and respect. What if he already planned dinner, went to the store for the necessities, and had it half cooked when i just “announced” i wasn’t going to be home for dinner at all? That’s just rude. And inconsiderate. So…. i ask permission first rather than telling him. And when i ask, i am fully aware the answer may be “no.” And if it is no, i tell my co-workers that i’m not able to attend. i don’t have to give an explanation as to “why”, but if i do say why, i typically say something like, “we had other plans.” i don’t typically say, “David said no and i’m not allowed.”

So ultimately why i want to be dependent upon him, is because i want to meld together with my husband that ultimately builds a stronger bond to our marriage.

Which makes me think the opposite… why wouldnt you want to be dependent upon your spouse?

And that brings me to the second part…. how does he take on this responsibility of being in charge without effectively having to become my parent?

So this is a hard one. Because in some ways, being in charge IS like a parent. When David makes decisions, it is deciding things for not of us. And sometimes our entire family.

But i would say two things here: 1) i have a brain and know how to use it and 2) it’s more in the delivery (and the response) that makes it “parent-like” versus “head of the house” (HoH).

Starting with 1) i don’t have every-last-decision-ever made my David. i set my own schedule, i dress on my own, i have a job/career, i have friends that i see, i buy my own things, etc.

B-U-T ….. i do these things with David’s blessings. i set my own schedule – knowing that David likes me home by 6. i dress on my own – knowing David likes no bra/panties, and “not Grandma-like” (his words) outerwear. i have a job/career that David approved of upon starting and should i ever become miserable and he were to say, “you need to quit,” i would. i have friends that i see – with permission to go. i buy my own things – within a preset budget. All of these things are in effect “the rules” i live by. But they don’t require David’s input every day. They are understood now. It took some time to hammer out these details in the beginning, but now, it’s just natural for both of us. It doesn’t require his daily decision-making-role to be engaged at all times every day.

And 2) the delivery (and response). When we first set up those rules, David would say things that sounded parent-like. And then he became passive-aggressive-like. And now, he just (mostly) states things. What does that even mean?

So using the previous example about happy hour with co-workers…… i would say, “the office has organized a happy hour for tonight. Would it be ok if i went?”

And i sit for the answer. i don’t interrupt or get uncomfortable with the silence that may ensue. And if i asked via text, i do NOT go until he’s read it and has had a chance to respond.

Sometimes i may get a question back that’s something like, “how late will you be?” (And i answer accordingly).

And then the answer comes “Yes. But be home by xx.” And i simply respond, “Yes Sir”. And i AM home by that time!

And “if” i am not horn by then, i know punishment will ensue. And it may it be immediately upon arriving home either. Sometimes he will simply say, “you’re late.”

“Yes Sir”


(And i answer the why….)

And he will say, “ok”

But we both know that means “you should expect to be punished.”

And depending on the day/time/ situation, the punishment may not happen immediately. Or even the next day. (Like on vacation …. it happens when we get home. Or if our son is home at that moment, it would be after he goes to school. Or sometimes, an extra intense Maintenance Friday session.)

But neither of us forget.

And quite frequently the next time i would ask to go to happy hour, the answer would be, “No. you weren’t able to follow my directive last time, so while you were punished then, this is another reminder of who is the HoH. Maybe next time. Tell your coworkers I have already made dinner and you are expected at home.”

And i say, “Yes Sir. i understand.” And i tell my coworkers exactly what he told me too.

The above is how things typically play out in real life. He didn’t treat me like a child, nor did i act like he was my parent. But i did submit to his authority. And i let his decision be final.

But let’s just get wasn’t “feeling” like being in control or making decision….. if he were to be feeling tired, work out, ill, simply not waiting to decide – he would say something like, “whatever you want to do is fine.” And then i revert to #1) above where i have my own kind and i know how to use it! He’s now been consulted, given permission, and even indicated i am free to do as i please….. but we both know it’s temporary. It’s in this situation, and because it was granted.

But i don’t assume. And i have ultimately submitted the decision to him. And respected the answer.

So the delivery and the receipt are always key. Again, i do not assume. i ask. And i wait for the answer. While i don’t always like the answer, but i respect it, and abide by it. And if i don’t, punishment (at some point) will happen. And i respect and submit to it.

That’s a reallyyyy long post. But hopefully i answered the question too.

So i am happy to submit. And to be fully and thoroughly dependent and welded together with my Sir. And to yield authority to David to be my HoH.

How about you? Are you tightly welded together with your spouse, having formed an unbreakable bond?

Many hugs!



  1. This is such a great post! I always say that my husband and I have a “healthy co-dependency!” I do depend on him and my submission to him to keep me in line with the values I hold dear, and he depends on me to lift him up as a leader.


  2. I do love analogies!

    I suppose we could be seeing this the same way, but expressing it differently, but I do not see myself as dependent on my husband. I mean anymore than any other partnership is reliant on their partner. I will say that I am dependent on my dynamic, which includes active involvement from my husband/Dominant.

    I think when many ( who do not live this or are newer to this dynamic) ask the questions that include some version of being ‘dependent’ on their Dominant it comes from a place of not quite understanding, and placing a negative connotation on the meaning of the word.

    I am, as I said, dependent on this dynamic. It helps me keep my mind and heartset where I need them to be. Our dynamic was never really about accountability. It has been based on cultivating an environment where I feel safe and secure in being my authentic self. The D/s dynamic provides tools ( expectations, rules, exercises etc…) to exchange power and by doing so I remain unguarded ( on a good day LOL) and free. So in that sense I depend on my husband to be an active Dominant, not a service or passive Dominant. But as you and Valerie have said, he depends on me as well, because without an active submissive, there truly is no Dominant.

    I view our roles as more symbiotic than dependent if the true be told.

    As far as being treated like a child?- Children obey or face consequences, and of that they have no choice in the matter. We submit and do so of our own free will. So while I can appreciate how some would confuse the same action ( say writing lines) as the same overall vibe, it truly isn’t. Rules and expectations I follow of B’s are a promise I have made. If I break that promise, there are consequences. I am an adult with the knowledge of this before hand ( just sometimes flies out the window when I’m hurt/angry/frustrated). To me it isn’t much different than getting a ticket for breaking the law, except I’m not just embarrassed (not that I’ve actually had a ticket) I feel remorse because I have broken a promise to someone I respect and love.


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