A couple of posts back, i was struggling with creativity/ideas of what to write about and needed inspiration. You have come through in a big way! i have received some emails lately with some interesting questions that as i ponder the answers, i decided would make great blog content (for several posts coming up too!). So here goes…..
What was i thinking….and what went through my mind as i was asking for D/s?
The first thing to know is that, at THE moment i asked David for this lifestyle, there was very little going through my head except, “say it out loud – just do it!” Because i had already done my homework, had the security and assurance that this is indeed what i wanted, and i only needed the confidence to say it out loud.
But before i got to that part, there was a TON of stuff going through my head. The first things that went through my head was a series of unending questions that included:
1) What is wrong with me? 2) WHY do i want this? 3) Why would i have to be disciplined like a child of some sort?! 4) Who would want to give up control (like a child) of things that (as an adult) i am realistically entitled to? 5) And by “discipline,” does that translate to and simply amount to asking to be physically abused?
So W-H-Y was this even something to consider, let alone ask for?!
All these questions kept cycling though my mind and i was struggling! Yes, i truly considered the thought that i was already, or in the process of becoming, crazy!
And then my next set of questions that ran through my head was more related to David: 1) if i think i am crazy, won’t he also think the same? 2) How will he react? 3) Will he want to discipline me? 4) Will he like disciplining me?…… And if he does, does that mean he will ultimately feel empowered to perhaps abuse me?
So honestly, i had more questions than answers and wasn’t even sure how to process all this in my head at first. And the one person, David, who i wanted to talk to the most …… i felt like i couldn’t. And that made me sad.
As a result, it took a lot of time for me to even bring it up to him. Like probably close to a year! i wish now that i had found courage sooner and had just talked to him from the start. We could’ve worked through these things together. Instead, i found my own answers and sorted through it on my own, which was good AND bad!
It was good because by the time i was able to talk to him about it, i was completely committed and knew this is absolutely what we both needed. We just had to do it! It was bad though because at the time i said it out loud, he was right back where i had started…. with uncertainty, and lots of questions. i had to give him time to process it, work through it all, and give him the space he needed to figure it all out. i was disappointed to say the least! But this is a process.
Thankfully while he was in shock and surprised, he was still willing to consider it and to find out more. So it took us a total of about 1 1/2-2 years before we actually did anything. Which was sad for having wasted so much time before coming together on this, because we are more happy now with it than we probably ever were without it.
If you are thinking of trying to talk to your spouse about this from either the Dom or sub side, the best piece of advice i can give you: TALK! SOONER than later!
Open your mouth and speak from your heart and be genuine. Just start with something like, “I don’t have all the answers, in fact I probably have more questions than anything, but can we consider this together?”
And so on my own though, before i could ask for this…. i needed answers.
i started with the internet. This is such an easy and free resource, it made sense to start here.
When i found that it was Biblical to submit, i already felt a lot better. This was encouragement that i was (maybe!) not crazy. Then i started thinking about “submission” in a general sense. And finally realizing that this would force us to communicate more, that it would likely bring us together more, and i was wanting to be more dependent upon my husband. And all these things propelled me to move forward…. and to ask David about it.
Let me break down those thoughts for a second too…..
Online. i found some amazing blogs online. Many of them gave me a lot of encouragement but not one of them was exactly what i thought we needed. And that was ok, in fact it was good! It caused me to seek what was right for us, take a little of this and a little of that, to form what could work for us.
And of course, i found a lot about submission from a biblical sense. “Christian Domestic Discipline” has taken a beating on the internet. And most of the criticisms seem to stem from the idea that it is just abuse cloaked in Christianity. i don’t believe this at all. i think Domestic Discipline is a way to keep things in line with how we want them to be, and submission is Christian based.
Submission in general. Okay, so if this is Christian based, shouldn’t we all be submissive?? But if we are ALL submissive, then who’s left to be dominant? But the Bible doesn’t say ALL people are to be submissive, but instead just the wives. Whereas the husband should lead and love her unconditionally.
And then i started seeing submission everywhere.
When you go to work and your boss is mad at you, let’s say for something you didn’t even do. But he/she is SO mad they are going off on you. How do you react? Most of us would probably stand there and take it, at least mostly. Sometimes the annoyance or anger we feel might boil over and come out, but even when it does, we typically try to contain the anger and chose our words wisely. Isn’t that submission? You submitted to their authority! And you even did it with respect towards them.
Okay…. so if this D/s thing is online, working for others, biblical and submission is what i am to do, and i do it already in other parts of my life…… why wouldn’t i do it in my marriage also?
Now my thinking had come full circle! i was suddenly looking for reasons NOT to submit.
So IS DD just domestic spousal abuse? Clearly, i think it is not! Or i wouldn’t be doing it! And i suppose this could be apart of my next post – which came from the next question i’ve been asked……
Why would i want to be dependent on my husband and how does he take on this responsibility without effectively having to become my parent?
And i will leave it right there and that will be my next blog posting!