So i have had a lot of heavy topics as of late and i find myself wondering and contemplating, “what am i doing?” Why am i telling all this? And why did i start this blog from the start anyway?”….. 🤔
i readily admit, i have been drunk on all the likes and comments i have enjoyed seeing lately. In fact, i am giddy about it really. But it made me stop and think, “Was this my goal?…..Was getting people to follow and read my thoughts my ultimate mission?” It was not. So i have revisited this in my mind and decided to tell you too….
WHY DO I BLOG.
i blog for two main reasons: 1) a journal or an online diary and 2) to have someone to tell.
A Journal or Online Diary
My grandma had a diary for about 30-‘ish years. She literally wrote in a little book every-single-day without fail. EVERY-SINGLE-DAY.
She’d start by documenting the day’s stats… date, weather, where she was. And then she’d tell about the day, in her handwriting and personal words.
These diaries were something of a contentious point upon her death…. should the series stay together or be broken apart, should one person (of her 3-children, 9-grandchildren, and 12-great grandchildren) get them all or should each of us get (at least) one.
i would’ve liked to have had the diary with the year of my birth. Or maybe the next year when my grandma would’ve written about my first year of life. But the ultimate decision was that the oldest grandchild (a son) was to get them all. i wasn’t in control then and i have no idea how or even who made that decision really. So i will never see those diaries again. 😢
But that’s ok, because a diary is also a private thing. i mean many even have locks on them, most people hide them, and don’t share their thoughts with the world for a reason. Maybe her diaries should’ve been buried with her ….(ok, they wouldn’t have all fit in the casket, because there were that many…. but in a figurative way “buried with her”).
So like her, i wanted to write down some of my inner-most thoughts. i wanted to document my journey… to see where we started, where we are at now, and ultimately where we are headed to too. i frequently go back and reread the older posts. i resist the urge to change them (ok, i DO find misspellings and fix those, but i don’t change the content). Even if now i reread them thinking, “that’s not how i think now” … whether it be fundamental in the beliefs or way we do thinks now…. i want it to stand as-is. Because that’s what i thought and felt on that day.
And of course, we all know…..history repeats itself. Unless, of course, you take intentional actions to change that. And without a record of the history, how do you know now what history was good or bad, or to be repeated or avoided? i know i like not fighting with David, i like being submissive, and sometimes i need to be reminded of the times when that wasn’t always the case! 🥰
i have often wondered if i were to die today, would my blog even be known about? Like would anyone know it was here to turn it off, save it for the future, or…. would it just be buried with me? i know David knows about it, but whether this would be something he’d even remotely be focused on in that time of sadness is probably not likely.
Is online the best place for it? The best medium? Well, it can’t be (easily) found by people close to me. It can’t be lost either. And it’s always with me, no matter where i go and feel inspired to write. So i’m unsure if online is the best place, but it is one place. And why NOT use the technology of the day? Why not use it to my advantage?
So i write to document my history…. in my thoughts, word, and (typewritten) hand.
To Have Someone to Tell
When there’s something in your life that is newsworthy, both good AND bad, you want to have a friend to tell it to. Yet, most of what i write about is not really considered mainstream conversation…
Can you see me going to work today and someone asking, “Did you have a good weekend? What did you do?” And me answering, “Yes i did. We started it out with a maintenance spanking from Sir, which was great because it got us in the right D/s mindset too. i just love submitting to him.”
Uhhhhh no! 🥴🤐
Instead, my response would be, “yeah, we didn’t do much. Just relaxed together. You?” 😴
But when we started this journey, i was so excited that i was bubbling over and telling bits-n-pieces to various people. And i couldn’t remember who i told what to, or how much, and it was starting to cause problems for me.
Oh i didn’t have an outright conversation like noted above, but rather, stuff like, “we’ve been studying the idea of submission more.” Or “i really like having David make decisions and be in control.”…. which lead to questions … which lead to vague answers … which lead to anxiety (Can i trust this person with the truth?) 🤫
That’s when Sir said i shouldn’t probably tell anyone. But then i was SO in my head thereafter that i was struggling with this new information, how to process it, or what to do with it. 🤯
And that …..led to doubt.
Was this really the right lifestyle? Was D/s some kinky, perverse way to be? Who says their weekend was good after getting spanked? Maybe i am just crazy and need to see a doctor….. oh… wait… i’d have to TALK to this doctor to tell them why i was even there. 🤭
And then the judgement could maybe start.
Which led to more anxiety.
That’s when i asked “Sir, can i start a blog? As a place to tell someone my thoughts and our story? While it would be online, it is also anonymous really. The world is a huge place in this case and the odds of me ever meeting anyone in real life would be slim, but if that were to happen, they’d already know the real US too.”
He asked more about my “why”. And i told him the same as i am telling you now. And obviously he said yes and here we are…. Documenting the past, present, and future… together.
i am touched that my blog resonates with so many others… i started this blog as a place for me, but now it’s become a place for us. 🥳
Thanks for letting me be me. And thank you also for sharing a little about you with me too!
So tell me my trusted confidant friend, …..did you have a good weekend?? i did… it started with Friday maintenance and set the tone for the weekend. 😉