So “the virus” has seriously caused me to be off-kilter or off-schedule or off-submission or off-DD. Or well… just “off”. Haven’t even posted… I’ve been that “off”.
And i learned some stuff about myself…. i do NOT submit well when it feels like everything is out of control. Or beyond my control. And i then (subconsciously) take back the control that i would otherwise given freely.
i have seen this behavior creeping in and David has allowed it. i say he’s “allowed” it because he hasn’t done anything (punishments!) to stop it, so by not stopping it, it was effectively allowed.
i admit – that upsets me. i wish he would stick to protocol and routine and enforce what we both like and know works! But he doesn’t and i didn’t either.
And today, i basically went over the edge of his tolerance for these allowances.
i won’t deny, today was basically intentional. It wasn’t me being a brat, so much as just being “in control” and testing David to see “how much is too much”.
What did i do, you ask?
First i took a bath. That doesn’t sound like much. But i take baths to soak, relax, and take “me” time. While David always approves, it is a rule that i am to ask permission to do so. i didn’t.
Then, i masturbated.
Then i inserted a plug in my ass. i rather enjoy the feeling. Most days. For awhile anyway. Of being filled. And it is a secret that no one can see or knows, except me. And David.
i told him i did these things. And when he asked me why. i said, “because i was feeling sexy and turned on and decided to satisfy myself.” His first response was a nod, eye brows raised and a sound that resembled a “hmm”. And he walked away.
About 5-minutes later, he texted me. (From him in the office of our home to me in the kitchen… not far!). And it said, “you didn’t ask”. i said, “i know. Should i take the plug out?”
And he said, “no. Not until tomorrow. And when I authorize it.”
Wow. Ok. Well. This will be a huge test. And ultimately feel like a punishment in the end. Admittedly- a deserved one!
i’ve never had a plug in for more than about 8-hours, and the few times i tried to sleep with it in, i failed.
How it feels:
The first few hours – a turn on, the next few hours – a bit uncomfortable, the last few hours – basically irritating and painful. And i ask to remove it and he agrees.
While he didn’t seem “mad”, i know he is…. or maybe the right word is disappointed.
This will be a test of my will power and endurance. And i wonder when i will break down and beg to be released. i don’t want to beg. Because i already know what he said – tomorrow. That should be enough. But i don’t know if i will make it. i will definitely be trying though!
And if i do beg – will he allow the release to happen.
Stay tuned. And until then, i am plugged until further notice.